MIL Has Narcisstic Personality Disorder. Advice Please

My sister dated someone who has NPD. The first thing is to realize that she does not have the same reasoning skills. She is the only person important in her world. She says and does things to get a response. She wants to be in control. You must stand firm and reinforce that you will not except her behavior. The reason she is able to act the way she does is because you unintentionally allow it. Diane and Page have good advice. You have to keep her at a distance. Do not tell her anything that she doesn't need to know. I know I'm not an expert but I've been around these types of people and it's always better not to provoke.

My mother has this. At the root of it is insecurity and a lack of love growing up, if that makes you feel any better. My mother does all of the things you described. It's funny to hear you mention the baby thing. My mother has literally ripped babies out of strangers' arms at malls, and they usually just stand there and do nothing, they're so shocked.

It took me YEARS to learn to set boundaries, but it only takes a few minutes to learn. Do it now, and save yourself a lot of grief. For example, if she takes the baby out of your arms, TAKE THE BABY BACK, and say, "Do not grab the baby out of my arms." You have to be REALLY blunt and to the point with these people. You have to talk to them kind of the way you would talk to a five year old. DO NOT engage them in arguments. When they start to argue with you, SIMPLY REPEAT what you said, exactly the way you said it the first time. Do this a third time, if necessary.

Once you do this one time, you will find it is quite easy. If you need any more tips for actual situations, message me. I'm quite passionate about this subject.

I don't think this type of personality should be excused as a "mental illness," but it's definitely something you won't change. You can only set boundaries.

I think Page has some great advice. You cannot focus on getting your MIL to understand how you feel or how her actions makes anyone else feel. She is incapable of understanding this, at least until she is much further into her treatment. You can take the baby back and say "Do not take the baby away from me," but do not bother saying "the baby only wants me" or "this upsets me and the baby" - MIL won't get it.

Explaining to your friends that your MIL is mentally ill and just beginning treatment will help them screen their calls and, ideally, not bother reporting back to you what MIL says. It's only upsetting for everyone. They can use the same tactics: "Do not talk to me about John and Sue." I would also avoid telling her the names of any of your friends, frankly. Your FIL needs to keep her away from funerals where her behavior is extremely upsetting. She needs to stay away from basketball games if they involve her grandchildren - they are too young to understand her bizarre behavior. The family needs to keep schedules and events much more quiet.

Her therapy needs to be stepped up, and the FIL is the only one who can manage this. Meantime, all you can do is be very firm, use the same language repeatedly, and focus on what she cannot DO and not WHY NOT - she will not understand this. You might consider a family visit with her therapist who, while needing to maintain confidentiality, can give you some general guidelines of what to say and not say.

Meantime, keep leaving the room and keeping your distance. It's better for you and your family. Since you cannot control her, you can only control your reaction and your own behavior.

If, as Page says, this comes from growing up without love, you have to be really relieved that your husband grew up somehow with some ability to be a family-oriented person. Take comfort in that. And if her kids turned out okay, maybe she's not all bad, you know? Just really miserable and ill.

First, I hope she is getting both medication and counseling for these mental disorders. Depression and NPD are illnesses, and I would inform any close friends or family about these illnesses, so they are more prepared for her actions and behaviors. If a family member was suffering from a physical illness (MS or Parkinson's for example) that caused a change in behaviors, we would likely inform friends and family, but we still hesitate to talk about mental illness as a true illness.

Then, difficult as this may be, realize that she is not doing these things to make your life miserable, she's doing them because she is ill.

It may help to schedule short periods of time with her to give her your undivided attention, and let her have supervised time with the baby before she is crying. Seeing a qualified professional once or twice to get advice on how to handle a person with these diagnoses may be helpful, also. Doing some reading on the possible causes and symptoms may help you to have sympathy for this person, no matter how frustrating her actions might be.

I know absolutely nothing about this disease, in fact this is the first I have ever heard of it...but I agree with the advice you have already received.

Remember that this is an illness, she isn't doing this to provoke you.
Deal with her as you would deal with a toddler who is overstepping the boundaries.
Tell her NO...but don't argue with her...it will do no good and merely provoke the situation.
Ask your FIL if he can arrange a family meeting with the therapist, to find out how to deal with this in the best way for all of you.
And most of all...you are your childs advocate and support...don't worry about hurting her feelings if it involves your childs' safety and happiness!!
Good luck to you

My two cents' worth (and it may be only worth one): Ask to be kept posted to be sure that MIL is taking her medications!

Maybe you're doing the right thing to walk out of the room. You could say, "No, the baby is staying with me right now" (pleasantly). Perhaps your leaving gives her a chance to be distracted by something else.

Let your close friends know privately that MIL is ill and behaves strangely but is not dangerous (well, they might wonder). You could even indeed recommend that they screen their calls - sounds like a good idea to me. If they ask, you could coach them on other ways they can manage her when they're with her.

I think I know what your FIL means when he says, "Ignore her," because I'm related to a person whose family says this about lots of relatives. They may be intending to say, "Let it all roll off your back," but I've never really seen that be successful. I'd think it better for all of you to plan together how to manage MIL when there are family functions. I know that if I were a friend of yours, I'd want to be informed, so that I could be able to help.

I should imagine this is much harder than managing a three-year-old, but maybe if, when you look at MIL or think about her, you imagine a three-year-old in toddler clothes saying, "Me, me, me," it might help you to keep going.

I sincerely hope the medication will help MIL and that eventually you'll be glad you didn't cut her out of your life or badmouth her.

We have a toxic MIL and it took us 10 years and something very dramatic until we distanced ourself completely. I would avoid sharing anything with her- and I would try to get away from her geographically.

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Check this out:

http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

It's one thing to be diagnosed, it's another thing to get help. Is she seeing a therapist for her condition? She should. She needs help. Ignoring her and the things she does is not helping her to get better. She's getting a reputation for being the crazy old lady who just goes around doing outrageous things. (If some stranger grabbed my child from my arms anywhere, I'd have her arrested.) And you should write down what she does when she's with you and provide this information to the therapist.

If she has been diagnosed why wasnt a treatment plan implemented?
Anyone that has family members that are difficult to get along with probably uses the "avoidance" technique as much as possible... I know I do.
If its a true medical disorder someone does need to help her understand that she needs to follow through with some more doc appts, if she is unwilling it might be best to stay away from her and let her know your reasoning as to why....It sounds as if everyone already feels that she is "crazy" so you shouldnt be worried about her trying to make you look bad as everyone involved should realize it's her and not you.
A loving, caring daughter in law would exhaust all resources trying to help her before giving up, she is your hubby's mommy and your childs grandmother afterall.
I'll say a prayer for strength and wisdom enabling you to deal with it.

Boundaries. Have them and stick to them. Let her know repeatedly what they are.
Realize this behavior will probably not disappear.
Thanks so much for asking this question! It is a real issue many of us have with our families.