Let me start this by saying I used to love LOVE my MIL, sometimes I actually think I married my husband because of my MIL! Then something happened, 3 years into my marriage, I was 6 months pregnant we had a huge family fight and my MIL began to ignore my very existence (also my husband’s). We would have to go to her house for something (my husband kept several important tools there) and she would barely say hello to us. I was devastated, crushed. She only began talking to me again when the baby was due and my parents were in town. Even then, it was stiff. But by then, I harbored deep resentment toward her and felt none of the previous emotion. I used to call her my mum, now in my heart she was strictly my husband’s mother. Now the baby is here, he is 18 months old. Honestly I am bothered by her actions regarding him. I feel like she is a bit crazy about my son. Like she is using him as a replacement for something she lacks in her own life. She lives maybe 5 miles away from us.
The following has occurred:
When I was nursing him, she would come up to me and poke my breast and say ‘its empty, stop’. She would talk loudly to him, distract him.
When we visit their house, if he even begins to come near me she calls him away, distracting him from playing with me.
She taught him to call her mama, referred to herself as mama, actually called me ‘Mama Sophie’ and herself Mama. I let this go on, probably longer than I should have. My husband talked to her about it, she ignored it. I very nicely talked to her about it, she made an effort for about 3 visits. Finally I went to visit her alone, we had a huge blow up and now when I’m around at least, she is Nanny. I accused her of wanting/thinking she is my son’s mum. She denies it, but other things have happened…
We have limited our time with them, but its difficult. When my son stays with her or we visit, he wants nothing to do with anyone else. He won’t come to me or my husband, no hugs no kisses. Nothing. Only Nanny. But why? I feel she spoils him to the point that he is becoming ruined-he hits, she laughs, he pinches, she nicely says no no. He touches something he shouldn’t she walks away and tells her husband to take care of him (tapping the hand etc) and waits for him to come to her and says ‘oh did pappy hit you?’ I think I’m crazy, but its like she is obsessed with him and goes out of her way to be his toy. My husband calls her ‘Alex’s Robot’.
Last week she told me that even if she no longer cared about me and my husband, her son, that she would still love her grandson. Her eyes watered when she was telling me how much she loved him. She said most days she doesn’t even remember her children, just thinks about my son. His picture is on her cell phone—she kisses it regularly.
I work full time now, and daycare is killing us, she could potentially watch him, begs us to let her, but Im afraid. I would be financially better, but I feel like I lose a piece of the relationship with my son each time he stays with her a few hours. I am jealous of how much he seems to love her, or how little he loves me. I can admit that, but I wonder if her attachment and the resulting attachment he has for her is something a little bit off on her part. If I were a toddler and I had the choice between someone that gave me everything my toddler hands could reach vs mummy who says no and removes the items, I would choose the giver as well. Please help?
I'm so glad you seem to get what I'm saying. Sometimes I feel like I can't express it. Or that I'm imagining it. Talking to my FIL is no good. He lives in his own world. Honestly, they have a very dysfunctional family, which I didn't realize until I was into the family of course. She has two children living at home.. both are spoiled rotten, 24 year old gets food brought to his room and both are absolutely disrespectful to the mum. My husband has stopped us visiting numerous times, slowed down our frequency, but somehow she always finds a way to get us to her house. I can't explain to my husband the little things I see her doing--like distracting my son from being around me, or intentionally letting someone else discipline him and then hugging and soothing him. One day I went there, I had dropped him for 2 hours while I did some shopping and she was letting him basically rub a battery over his lips, like lipstick... I asked why she would let him do this---her answer was that he didn't want to give it back to her. I took it, he cried, she comforted. Mom is bad.
Sorry, but it sounds like she is mentally ill. This is a very strange obsession. I would almost be afraid to leave my child with her at this point. Too weird.
When my son was that age, it seemed we had something to do/somewhere to go almost every weekend. We went to every county fair in the area. We hit every petting zoo, every museum, every aquarium, every firehouse open house and pancake breakfast.
Just get busy - too busy to be called over to you MIL's house. When she calls - say "Sorry! We're headed out for the day! Catch you later!". And keep doing it. Eventually it might be worth moving far far away. Hang in there.
Continue to limit the time...
She sounds like a nut.
Grand parents are supposed to spoil the kids a little, but she seems to be taking it over the top.
Pay for daycare and be glad that they have rules and consequences.
LBC
I say do whatever you can to keep him away from her. It is not a healthy relationship for your son and it will make your life miserable. If you can, DON'T LEAVE HIM WITH HER. Financial struggles will probably be better than what you have to deal with if she watches him.
BTW - Kuddos for you, I would have FREAKED OUT if my MIL poked my breast and told me it was empty!
WOW! NO WAY would I EVER let her have him M-F while I worked 8 hours!!! Even 2 hours to go shopping. You've seen what she's "done" to her two kids still living at home!!!!!! I would Strip everything in my budget down to the bare necessities in order to keep him in Daycare (where he will learn to play, share etc. in a HEALTHY, proper environment) I'm sorry that your MIL is this way, but she Seriously has some DEEP issues ......... I would not subject my child to that. She's not looking out for his best interest - she just wants to make sure that he "likes" her best! NO WAY
xoxoxox ~ good luck
No daubt, your MIL is not right in the head.Please never again, let your child be alone with her.I would lose all contact with her, at least for a while and see.This really sounds very disturbing,like the hand that rocks the cradle movie ! It sounds like, she also puts negative and who knows what else, in your childs head, that could be very traumatizing...My step grandfather put very bad things in my head, against my mom and I still remember it and I was very little.
RUN !!!!
I don't have much advice about her nutty behavior, but I wanted to reassure you that even though he SEEMS to prefer her, he most definitly knows who his mom and dad are and there is simply no replacement for you. My in-laws spoil our kids with gifts, treats, and lack of discipline. But we don't spend that much time with them. Both my kids love their grandparents very much, but over time it has become apparent to my husband and me that to the kids, grandparents are just not the same as parents. So please don't worry that he "loves her more." He doesn't. You mother-in-laws behavior seems pretty crazy and I wouldn't pull your son out of daycare despite any financial advantage. It wouldn't be worth the emotional price.
I'm SO sorry you're dealing with this unhealthy relationship. THIS IS NOT YOU- this is her own insecurity. You and your husband are doing the right thing by limiting your son's time with her.
Just because family is family doesn't mean the relationship is worth holding onto. You can't choose your family for better or worse.
If you and your husband are comfortable confronting her and feel that if could help the relationship- then I say do it! Sometimes people don't know how much they hurt others because they are so self centered, but after they hear how they have affected someone they want to change.
Choose a day care that you and your husband know that your little guy is being treated the same way as you would if you could be home.
Good luck!
Just reading about her poking you in the breast... I think your MIL is a witch!!! I would not go near her, personally. I wonder whats really going on with her tho, if she was great before? something medically wrong that has put stress, she sees her age/ mortality... Maybe talk to her or someone who is close that could enlighten you to a situation that you are unaware of?
.
First of all, let me say that I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I know, first hand, how stressful situations like this can be.
This is not your fault and her actions are not of your making. She is creating a toxic environment and alienating the rest of her family...and it does seem she's behaving a bit unbalanced. In my opinion, that is reason enough to limit your son's exposure to her.
I understand the financial temptation of sending your son to be kept by your MIL. Please RESIST!!! The relationship you've described between the two of them is unhealthy for your little boy. These are his most influential years developmentally. You wouldn't want his perception of the world around him to be changed to match hers He will need consistancy and structure to build the relationship he is to have with the world he's expected to someday join.
We are trained by our politically correct societies, not to trust our instincts. But as mothers, we learn that we have these natural instincts to protect our little ones. Go with your gut. :)
what a dang shame. it's so much better when family can step in and help out under these circumstances. but she is really a bit creepily obsessed with your baby, and not giving him a healthy environment with boundaries and respect for his parents. keep your time with her limited.
khairete
S.
regarding your daycare vs. Nanny question; you've already answered it yourself. Your words; "I'm afraid" now trust that instinct, if you don't you may really regret it down the road. Do limit the time she spends with your son and although that means you don't get as much time for yourselves, you won't regret the reward that comes with sacrifice; your son will be more attached to you and your husband. All the best to you and the toddler years do pass quickly.
I agree she sounds out of it - when you first started explaining he poking your boob and distracting interrupting nursing, that sounded just like a case of someone who thinks breastfeeding is weird/doesn;='t get it. But then as you went on withthe spoiling, calling herself mom and stuff - a bitt TOOO MUCH!
It is nice she would still love him even if you or your hubby pissed her off, BUT she is being a little too "loving" she needs some serious boundries, and I personally would balk at letting her watch your baby too.
Good Luck! I would maybe try family counselling to help set limits and get this undercontrol before it drives you crazy and drives a wedge into you and your hubby' and son's relationships with each other - that seems like what she is aiming for.
Sorry you are having to deal with this!
Jessie
She sounds a little bit off her rocker. I would be nervous about letting her watch him because she will most likely start talking bad about you and get him against you as he gets older. I personally wouldnt do it.
My mom used to watch my son and it was more trouble than it was worth. We actually ended up moving,to a different state, to get away from the guilt trips and craziness, and she isnt half as crazy as your MIL.
It does sound like she is a little obsessed/stalkerish. If it were me I would distance myself as much as possible. You are a family package deal. If she cant figure that out, and doesnt care about you and your feelings, I would spend as little time as possible with her.
I really feel like your MIL has severe mental issues. I think she needs help.
Unfortunately, this is probably a pattern. Your son is her #1 priority and thought right now, but what happens when she has another grandchild? You seemed to be the bees knees in her eyes when you were still relatively knew to the family. Now you have been replaced by your son. This is not healthy for any of you. Her behavior is very unsettling. You need to do what is best for your son first and foremost. I'm with the other posters who mentioned severely limitting her time with him. I would NEVER leave him alone over there, and frankly at this point, I would correct her behavior when you she does something you don't agree with. We're not talking about a slightly lenient grammy here, this woman is pretty open about the fact that she would be perfectly happy with your son if you and your husband were out of the picture. This is not normal behavior. She is showing high amounts of unhealthy obsession and she really needs counciling.
You had me at "poked my boob and said "its empty". Do NOT let ythis woman watch your child for long periods of time unless changes are made, behaviors halt 100% and grandma no longer needs a padded room.
You have to talk to her about her behavior without your son in the room. She needs to know all that you witness and feel.
Woe!
She sounds a bit unstable.
Does she have other issues when you guys are not around? I wonder if she is going through menopause. Or if she is suffering from depression.. Remember depression makes some people aggressive.
Your husband should speak with his father about all of this.
He needs to make sure his wife gets help. He may just be so used to seeing her behave this way he does not realize how bad this has gotten.
Until then, just allow her grandmother time and make sure you or your husband are always around. No over night stays, no alone care.
as i get older - i realize everyone's family has crazy in it somewhere. decide how much you can handle and then set limits. know that when you go over there she is not going to change, even with blowups, talking, etc. the good news is most kids don't ever seem to pick up on the crazy - so chances are your son is going to think is grandmother is wonderful (even if she is crazy) - and isn't that all you want?
My opinion? I wouldn't let my child near her w/o my presence and then perhaps not even then. There is unquestionably in my mind a mental health issue here.
She definitely is not rowing with both oars in the water. Obviously, she doesn't realize how damaging her behavior is to everyone. Why on earth would she have someone else's child call her Mama and then tell the child to call his real mama by her first name. Something is not right in her attic. She needs immediate help. The sooner she gets it, the better. I would suggest you not have her as the daycare provider no matter how financially helpful it would be. Your child's emotional health is more important in this instant. She has already caused enough emotional damage to the child. Wishing the best for you.
Please do not let her "stay" with them at all -- no time with them that is unsupervised. You or your husband needs to be there if they see him at all. I say this because the battery-lipstick thing is beyond bad. Next step: He'd stick it into his mouth. Yes, like someone posted, get busy with him. You sound envious of his attachment to her, but kids this age get attached to anyone who lets them have their way -- the kids have no knowledge of how unsafe they are, or how damaging that adult's laxness is for them. I wouldn't cut her out entirely but be very limited in time and never let her or the FIL be alone with him or he is at physical risk. Meanwhile, please try to get past the envy -- they are getting his temporary attention for spoiling him, but you will be the one who is there for him when they lash out at him the first time he isn't cute and receptive with them!
She sounds lonely, depressed and anxoius. Can you and hubby talk to FIL to get her meds and therapy?? If you use her for day care, only do one time per week. Your son will always know and love his parents despite all this!
sounds like manipulation to me, think ahead to when he is older and asked to do something or not to do something that can be his harm in the long run and she will be his enabler to the situation, sounds like she is making her voice louder than yours in his life. No baby sitting and no unsupervised visit and always speak up in the baby's and MIL presence when she is doing something out of order and explain to him in mommie and baby time how she was wrong. It is a blessing you have the hubby on your side! He does not have to see everything for you to address it but communicate with him about.
Edit: Try not to take away her grandma time just teach her your expectations if you can. A child needs grandma and grandpa and they need the child. The money for daycare maybe worth your peace of mind.
Use her for childcare only in the utmost emergency back-up situation. She needs to realize she is grandma and not mom, regardless of what she is called.
She may need some help (counselor).
You need to talk to your F-I-L and your husband...sounds like she needs counseling.
Please, do not let your MIL watch your child. Pay for the daycare.... If it's bad now (and it sounds like it is!), it will only get 1000% worse if she watches.
I think you and your husband (preferably mostly your DH) need to sit down and talk to her about how odd her behavior is.
And I think that you should severely limit the contact this woman has with your son.
I think you need to start documenting these things; if there were a way to videotape them, do it.Otherwise, jot down everything with dates & times. Tell your DH that you started doing this because you really were starting to wonder if you were imagining it.
It sounds like she is basically trying to turn your son into her 2 stay-at-home dysfunctional adult children--this sounds like the start of that path. Nip it in the bud now! ((hugs))
I would limit his time with her . . . for his sake most of all.
I'm all for grandparent love but this sounds more destructive. Be very careful with manipulative people. It sounds like you already know this.
The other caution is - with parents working full time - your son will be vulnerable to anyone who shows him undivided attention and devotion. That's what a parent needs to do (in a positive way of course). I know people are in dire straits with this economy, so I'm not intending this to sound judgmental or hateful. I just know from personal experience how damaging & painful this kind of situation can be.
Good luck and God bless you and your sweet family.
She sounds very difficult, but your husband and you could minimize the impact she has by taking it upon yourselves to parent and discipline in a more loving way. If you have to take something away from your son, or tell him "no", you should be the ones comforting him. There is no need to teach him things by hitting him or just letting him cry when he is upset, which gives her the opportunity to rescue him. She sounds depressed and lonely, but I would limit the time she has with your child unless she can respond better to your requests. Be clear with her about this. Maybe try inviting her for a shopping trip or movie and see if you can reconnect in a nice way.
she wants to damage your baby like she damaged her kids, u said the ones that live at home are spoiled rotten. Yeap. And the whole playing with the battery is a no no imagine all the stuff u don't get to see or know about. My MIL is the same but because of that i don't leave my son with her. I rather her come visit us so i can watch them and since its my house its my rules. Good luck
S.,
I don't want this to seem harsh, but WHY would you ever leave your baby with her, for ANY reason? Like another mom here stated, you had me at her poking at your breast while you were feeding your baby. My reaction would probably had been to grab her finger and let her know just how wrong this is. OMG. That really has me speechless.
This woman has a severe mental illness, PLEASE do not leave your son with her anymore. My God, she is going to poison your son's mind against you, just you wait and see.
Why is it so difficult to stay away from her? Just don't go over there, why is that a problem? I don't understand?
Hi there,
well this is my thoughts and experience. I have wonderful parents and parent in laws that have had the opportunity to look after my son one day each per week while I was at work from when he was six months old. Now he is 2 and a half and sometimes its just carzy how much he gets spoiled by all of them. Don't be worried that your son might favour your MIL as this is just a passing phase of behaviour because he is getting his own way. You will always be Mum! Some of her actions do sound over the top, but look at it from your sons point of view, you can never get too much love and if your parents are giving it to you and your grandparents aswell you are twice as lucky to have it coming from all angles. I would not let the rift between you damage your sons relationship with her. Obviously keep a close eye on things though and make sure you are comfortable with her interactions
You are setting the precedence for a power struggle. So cut the strings now. Don't worry about finances, things will work themselves out because you are doing what's in the best interest of your son, family and your household. Peace and unity, first!!!!!
Ugh! I am so sick of them, period. They need to stay in their place and you have the power to keep them there. That's why I never care what anyone says to me about my soon to be exMIL. She said outright she wanted all of her grands to be attached to her and in order to do that there has to be some serious manipulation and brainwashing, and unhealthy engagement taking place and to err on the side of safety for all parties involved, I did not agree with and did not allow our daughter to be in her care and I was right. She allows those others to drink soda, get bumps and bruises, no furniture guards, and they simply think it's okay. It's not okay to let a child run around unruly and it's certainly not okay to cause a divide, temporary or not, between a mother/child.
These are foundation building years for your son, and you don't want him ruined and grow up to be a bully because trust me when he can't get what he wants because he's used to having his way no matter what, he is going to start taking, hitting, and blaming people. She's bad news and needs to volunteer somewhere . Since then she's had the ambulance called to her house twice while caring for kids. NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!! Again, you have the power and the sooner to realize that and nip this, the sooner you can get on with living again!
I would NEVER let this women watch my son full-time. I would continue to limit my time with this women. She is clearly manipulative.
I understand how hard it must be because she is still family, but she obviously has crossed the line and until she can behave like an adult she must be treated like a child.
On the daycare issue, I heard that providers are offering discounts due to the economy. If I were you, I would not leave my baby there no longer than absolutely necessary. In fact, I'd just take him with me every where if possible.
I actually had to keep both of my girls from my MIL's home until they were each 3 years old. My MIL is a hoarder and there's no telling what my girls would have put in their mouths. She rarely cleans her cats litter box and I just wasn't comfortable. Basically, I understand having to do what's in the best interest in the child even though it's the grandmother you are protecting him/her from.
As another poster put it: every family has crazy in it somewhere. Looks like you found yours.
I will be married 14 years on Valentine's Day and I just realized (Dec 2010-Jan 2011) that my MIL has some serious mental issues.
I mean, I always knew she was "odd" "strange" and "inappropriate" about some things....but now I see it: She is mentally "not right", "unbalanced" and "Ill".
NEVER would I allow your MIL to provide child care.
Here's what I do. Limit my contact. Be polite. Be respectful. That's it.
My son (almost 8) is starting to notice the "off-ness" in his own grandmother. That she's rude, disinterested, interrupting, etc.
Kids eventually DO see people for themselves. Yours is small still, but he will never mistake his grandmother for you, his mother.
