MIL/DIL And Visits

Even though my mom (or MIL) says I should "go about my business" when they visit, I feel that it would be somewhat rude to do so. Is that what you mean?

I can only speak for myself, but when I have guests in my home, even if it's family, I don't feel like I can just go about my business as if they're not there. I make sure they have enough to eat/drink, are comfortable, and stay and chat. I feel it would be rude to, for example, clean my house or jump on my computer and check e-mail the way I would if they weren't there. I couldn't, say, change into my grubby but comfortable clothes, and I would want my house to be at a certain level of cleanliness/order before they arrived.

I feel I have to be more "on" when there are guests are in my home, and it's just not as relaxing. Any misbehavior on my child's part is no longer just irritating, it's embarrassing. And all my own actions are subject to criticism and judgment, even if that's not my family's intent. So, I can absolutely understand why someone would find frequent visits a bit of an imposition.

Now, perhaps I would feel different if visits were on a weekly (or more frequent) basis and the relatives were super helpful and watched the kids. Maybe I would be more relaxed, but it would depend on the relationship there.

I really liked Jae R's description of how her routine changes when she has guests, even family guests.

No matter how much a guest insists on "not being any trouble", just her being there means there is another person to think about. When that other person is a mother-in-law, there is the added stress of that complex relationship.

As a new mom, I was so nervous around my MIL, she raised 7 kids and I felt so inept! To her credit, she went out of the way to ask me how I liked to do things before helping with my kids and only once gave me advice. She told me all the things she noticed I was doing right. She was grateful when I helped or spent time with her. However, as easy as she was, I'd still feel the need to entertain her if she came over....and I'd be happy to do it!

I think the key here might be the "in-law" part of things. Different families grow up with different norms. I grew up with large extended family who stopped by. In this model, family is family--you're welcome to come into my house, help yourself to a snack, and sit down in front of my TV. You're family. You're always welcome, BUT I expect you to take care of yourself as if this were your own home. This seems natural to me. I work from home, and when my parents visit, they take care of themselves while I'm working, sometimes even do sweet things like make me lunch or my mom will do the kids' laundry so I'll have less to do after work.

My husband's family is very different--they are not close to extended family, and guests are guests. You take care of them. You make special meals. You don't let them do the dishes or help cook (which seems CRAZY to me! ; ). This also affects how my in-laws act when they come to our home. They "don't want to intrude," and so do stay at a hotel, and behave as guests when they are in our home. I don't feel like I can work when they are here, since FIL won't even get himself a glass of water (he thinks it would be intruding to go through our cupboards to find a glass--sheesh!) This, honestly, seems very weird to me. BUT, my parents seem weird to DH--he has often felt like they "take over" when they come.

DH and I have talked about this a lot--including with a counselor. We've come to an appreciation of how different families are different, and different people have different comfort levels with their own families. We've also talked openly with both families about how they can make both spouses more comfortable--so, for instance, my dad will ask DH if there is something around the house he can help with, instead of just showing up with a flat of flowers and starting to plant things. I've learned that MIL and FIL are very kind and totally willing--even flattered--when I ask them to do little things like help DD set the table or give the kids a bath or whatever. But I always have to ask. And it's taken years of work.

So, in the situations you describe, I would really recommend just open communication. Different people have different backgrounds, assumptions, and comfort levels. Loving families can work it out, but it does sometimes need work! GL!

I don't worry about entertaining my MIL, but my FIL is another story.

If you're concerned your DIL might be feeling this way, ask her what you do to make the visits easier on them, or if she feels she has to entertain you; if she says yes, or hesitates, say, what can I do help it be more comfortable for everyone?

If your DIL is a reasonable person, she'll welcome your attempts to be friendly & helpful. :)

I'm also a little unclear, but I'll take a stab at it.

I'm a WAHM. It usually works best for us to visit my ILs when I have time so I'm not splitting my attention.

I find it hard to work when I feel I have to participate in the visit and even having one of the kids' friends around can be a problem. When you work at home, you are still working and juggling everything else. Hopefully visitors would not just drop by because I do schedule my day. If I don't get everything done before dinner, I'm working late into the night.

When my mom comes to visit with us, it's usually all day or overnight and even though I do normal chores and get stuff done, I also don't feel right ignoring her the whole time. Even though she's been here a lot, she still sometimes needs us to find her a towel or figure out where the toiletries she left are or can DD have this juice she's asking for...? If she lived closer, I think I'd rather her take DD to the park or something if the point was for her to visit with DD and not me. Give me some down-time and give her and DD some quality time.

Does that make sense? It's not "entertaining" necessarily in the sense that I juggle for her/them, but there are interactions involved that should be planned for a time when the family is comfortable with it.

When my mil visits, I never get anything done! Because we usually chat for hours or go out shopping. Not so much to entertain her, but because we enjoy each other's company. She helps me make dinners and even helps with the dishes, helps with the kids. But, there are times when I will go off and read a book/do laundry and she will go and do her own thing.

If you are having an issue with your DIL, the best thing to do is call her up and very nicely say, "When we come down to visit next month, is there anything you would like to do? I do have to continue with my online coursework and some other things, but if you would like my help in anything or have" any plans, I'm all ears."

Really though, what I've noticed is some dil's and mil's get all offended and crazy for no reason.

Can you clarify the question? Visits should not be unannounced. Hostess should sit and chat and offer food/drink to the guest unless you are coming to watch the kids while she goes out.

I'm the same as the DIL - I feel I need to "entertain" when someone stops by my house - I would not feel right continuing my work or cleaning house or whatever. If there has been a prearranged time or even just a phone call asking to visit with the GKs and understanding that she would be working while they are there then that would be okay - I don't think the inlaws would be coming over to sit around and watch tv while DIL is working (not interact with DIL).

I think your situation would be a little different since you are probably there for a least a few days at a time, not just stopping in unannounced and can appreciate that you don't expect your son and DIL to keep you entertained the whole time during your visit.

Hope this helps! (And hope you get to go for a visit soon!)

Sounds like you have going on and don't need to be entertained when you visit while your kids are working? But I really don't understand the rest of your question.

Blessings......

Your DIL probably feels like it would be rude to NOT stop what she is doing and spend time with you during your visit.

When person works from home they are STILL working it is just in a different location. To be successful at working from home, one must still adhere to "work hours". If your DIL worked in an office somewhere would you just go to her office for a visit? No, you would meet her for lunch or wait for her to get off from work. Folks tend to think that if someone works from home that they can just drop everything and do what they want any time of the day. Not true.

Are your visits planned in advance or surprise visits? I can understand if she works from home that she most likely has set hours that she works, and then hours that she does things around her house and with her kids (if they have kids).... I would say try to make your visits in the evening if possible not the middle of the day when she's working; that way your not disrupting her work schedule. If its not possible to visit in the evening then give them plenty of advance notice and ask if it would be alright....maybe she can try to get her work done ahead of time and would be free when you plan to visit? ... Try to be understanding, just because she works from home doesn't mean she has all the free time in the world, her time is just as important as everyone else's and I don't think you'd visit your son at work....this is her workplace and her work time. Good Luck

DIL should explain to MIL that although she is home during the day, she is working and needs the MIL to not visit her "at work"...let her know what time work hours end for a drop in visit or schedule a visit during her "lunch hour".

I can see where that would be offensive to you. Saying you need to be entertained is kind of condescending. You mentioned that it's 2 differant generations with 2 differant points of view. I don't think it would be meant in that tone. If I said I had to entertain my in laws, my sentiment would be more out of respect. I want them to be happy and feel welcome and to have the best opinion of me. I would need the house to be in tip top shape - that's a lot of work! Everyday clutter is kind of ok with us, but not ok when you have company, especially inlaws. I would feel the need to have a stocked kitchen, full of thier favorites, and be able to whip up something fabulous on a moments notice. I would also feel like I should sit and talk with them. They wouldn't be coming over if they didn't want to visit and maybe they are lonely. So, I would stop whatever I had going for the day and just pay attention to them. You see, it's not out of disrespect but out of extreme respect that we feel the need to pay special attention to our inlaws.