Need Advice About Visitors After Newborn Arrives

just tell them flat out that you will be wanting to be waited on not the other way around!

And by a month old you will be ok with a week of company.

After a month, you will be a pro at breastfeeding. I wouldn't worry about that.
After about a month, you might want a little company and help with the baby. I wouldn't rule out the visit just yet.

Everyone is different, but I know after my first child was born, it took about 2 months before I felt fully human again. I just had my 2nd child 2 weeks ago - had my second c-section and I can't believe how much quicker I recovered this time. I'd be fine entertaining visitors in 2 more weeks this time around, but I would still be real honest with them before they came about the possibility that they'd have to find their way around my kitchen to help themselves and that they may have to hold the baby so I could nap..

I would say that is perfect. 4 weeks should be enough time for you to get a schedule down and for you to adjust. I found that my in-laws were very helpful, more so than I thought, and by that time you'll be in control again guiding them through sleep times, nursing times, play times, etc...and I bet it will even give you more free time to do some shopping, get your hair cut and just have a some normal "woman" time that you need. Maybe even dinner and a movie out with the hubby!
I think it was well planned out. And be it only a week, it will go fast, but it will also be rewarding! Enjoy your time with everyone and good luck to you and your hubby with your new little one!

I think a month after the baby is born is sufficient to get into a good schedule. But, if you DON'T want them there then it is important to speak up now...otherwise, you will be fuming and hormonal (not a good combo) during the whole visit. If it makes you feel any better, for our first baby, my mother-in-law from AZ booked her arrival FOR THE BABY'S DUE DATE (luckily she was born 10 days early) and then proceeded to sit on my couch for a week, use our car to go visit out-of-town friends and observe all my difficulties with breast-feeding. I was a wreck! Now, she doesn't understand why we want her to wait a while until after #2 is born before she comes out to visit! So, I feel your pain but I also understand the grandparents' anxiousness to come see the new little one. Good luck!!

M.,

I had my MIL come to visit after my first born when he was about 3 weeks old. She stayed for 5 days. We have always gotten along and it went very well when she was here.

I think you or your husband just need to set the expectations of what their role will be during the visit--for example: my MIL usually cooked dinner, helped with baby laundry and ran some errands. She obviously got to care for the baby some but I was breastfeeding so feeding him wasn't an option.

She also took him when he was fussy and gave me a break in the evening before my husband got home so it was a great time to have her here.

Good luck!

A.

A little about me: FT working mom to a 3 yr old son and 6 mo. old daughter.

Hi M.
Congrats on your upcoming arrival. If your post said they were coming as soon as your little one was born - I would have suggested against that so you can bond as a family.. However, if they are coming after a month and staying for only a week - you WILL BE definitely looking forward to this. It is amazing how tired you will be from one little baby. I think you may be looking forward to the help and the chance for you to sleep/catchup on laundry etc.
I would let them come by - grandparents are AWESOME and love the kids *almost* as much as you do.

I felt the same way as you did. Usually when parents, whether yours or his, come to visit after the baby is born they know they are there to pitch in and help out. I excused myself when I breast fed and usually my father in law just went outside - he knew and he was a bit uncomfortable himself I believe. So when I had my second baby they came for a visit and I so looked forward to the help. My advice is don't set the stage to offer to wait on them. Just let them know when they arrive to make themselves at home and help themselves to whatever they need. If you really like one of your mother-in-law's recipes perhaps you can ask her to make it for all of you one night. If you see you are low on diapers or something you can ask them if they would mind doing a little light shopping for you while you and baby rest. They just really want to be a part of this special event so let them get involved at whatever level you and they are comfortable with. Best of luck and congratulations.

You'd be surprised but after working and being on the go, staying at home with a newborn can be kind of lonely. You might really enjoy having some company and some extra help and I think the timing sounds perfect. I know everyone says sleep when the baby sleeps, I have always wondered who has that luxury???? I have a toddler and a baby, who I am breastfeeding. My husband hasn't missed one minute of sleep with both kids. I work part time from home while they nap and have never had a nap myself. I need a lot of sleep, but somehow you just get through the day and sleep really well at night. As far as adjusting goes you will do just fine! My kids adore both sets of grandparents and I adore the relationship and help!

I think you forget that your MIL had children and knows how exhausting it is after you have a baby. She also remembers what it's like to have your first child and how hard it is at first to figure things out, feel comfortable, get use to the sleep deprivation.

I think you need to let them come and share in your joy. I'm sure that they will understand if you don't shower, if you don't cook, or you don't wait on them.

If you prepare now by getting clean sheets on the bed with some dryer sheets in the bed to keep it fresh. Get some soaps and things ready for them. Maybe even make some things like pumpkin pancakes, lasagna, and so on to put in the freezer now...everything will be fine.

I had a SIL that put all kinds of restrictions on everyone that wanted to visit and see their first child and congratulate them as well. She didn't want visitors in the hospital because she would be too tired and didn't want everyone to see her with no makeup. She didn't want anyone to come to the house for a few weeks because she wanted to get into a groove and she was feeling very self-conscious about being a first time mom....she certainly did not want anyone giving her advice or making suggestions because she took (and still takes advice) as criticism and not just friendly, loving advice.

Well it's been 13 years since her first was born and she has seen over the years how other female family handled their first born experiences. I had a slew of people coming through the hospital hours after I had a c-section. I was excited...they were excited..they wanted to shower me and the baby with love (and these were my in-laws...my family is 16 hours away). I was tired, but I wasn't going to sleep with a new born anyway. She ate every hour or so. At night after hours I let the nurses take her to the nursery and give her a bottle so I could rest...then I got her back early in the morning and nursed her all day.

I was self-conscious about nursing, but I just covered up. They have cool blankets that have a strap for your neck that completely covers you while you are trying to nurse. My MIL made me one with this last child and it's great. Very discreet.

Needless to say my SIL was the first to have a grandchild and she robbed herself and her child of all the love and attention that a new one should get. She was so worried about herself and her own nervousness that she drove everyone away with all these ridiculous rules.

After many of the other females in the family has had kids and welcomed everyone to share in their joy and excitement...this one SIL is very jealous. She has actually accused the family of treating her and her family differently than the rest of us were treated.

She has pointed the finger at the family and won't admit it was her own attitude toward everyone that caused them to treat her differently. They wanted to love on her from the beginning, but she's always been very stand-offish. She criticizes everything they do that's different than her own family. She won't attend family functions most of the time. She alienates herself and then wonders why the family doesn't come running and doing for her. And even when everyone tries to do something special for her, she will refuse the kindness because it's "just not done that way" or "it's just not necessary".

She's bitter and the family (I'm an inlaw too...so it's not my family) can't do anything right.

Don't make the same mistake. Let them shower you with love. let them do for you and the baby. If you don't want to shower...don't worry about it. If you need to take a nap, then tell them you are tired and need to take a nap. If you don't feel up to cooking, then suggest a place to order-in.

And please don't play the poor, tired, worn-out, "I just gave birth" mommy...that so many women play. We are all sore and tired, but not invalids. For centuries women have given birth and went back to the fields a few days later. I've had three c-sections and started back to normal the day I got home. Slowly mind you, but I didn't lay up in the bed and insist that my hubby and everyone wait on me because "I HAD JUST GIVEN BIRTH". Please, we were made to do that. Nothing worse than a whiney woman and mother. We have to have a backbone some strength and endurance to be good parents. What are we teaching our kids when we play the part for weeks.

Just take it slow. Be kind and gracious, but no one should insist that you be the ultimate hostess. Just be happy and enjoy this new little life.

PS I had my first at 35, my second at 37 and the latest at 40...each was a c-section (not my choice). So I'm not talking out of the side of my mouth.

Congratulations!!

Totally depends on the relationship you have with your MIL. I saw a few responses mentioning that your MIL had children and knows how tiring it is. Well....yes she had them. Um 30-40 years ago. Trust me, the memory of just how tiring it is wears off, especially after four decades. You sound hesitant in your post, which leads me to believe you are not the super-close-with-your-MIL kind. A nice way out is to say "hey, how great you want to come visit, we've already booked a hotel for you." If they push, just be up front and FIRM and say the truth - you don't know what to expect and want to make the most comfortable arrangements for everyone. BTW, it should really be your husband dealing with this, not you. It's his parents.

Just re-read your post. If you're looking for a timeline, I wish there was a hard-and-fast answer to give you. Every delivery and baby is different. You could have a simple delivery and a baby who sleeps a lot and be ready for visitors by four weeks. You could have a c-section and a colicky baby in which case eight weeks is a better bet. You just won't know until he/she gets here.

Good luck,
MC

I had visitors all the time after my son was born starting with bringing him home. I'm a single mom, so it is a bit different, but I was SO grateful. I breastfed, too, but visitors meant that I COULD TAKE A SHOWER!!!! Having had a newborn themselves, I would think that your in-laws would probably jump in and help out. I wish you and your husband the best of luck with your little one when he/she is born!

Like you said at the end, it kind of depends on what kind of visitors they will be. If they'll be truly helpful, do laundry, hit the grocery store, help clean/cook, by all means, have 'em come! if all they are going to want to do is hold the baby, maybe suggest they stay at a hotel... in a nice way... like, "You know, we're not sure how well we'll be adjusting and while we really WANT you to spend time with both us and the baby, just the idea of having house guests is really stressful...."

I'd talk to them (or have your husband do it as they are his parents) about it. See what they are expecting in terms of their visit and talk to them a bit about yours.

When my first was born (Dec '06), I was totally averse to ANY guests except my bro, sil and nephew b/c I KNEW they would offer to hold the baby so I could shower and that was about it. They cooked TONS of food, froze stuff we ate for the next few months and cleaned up pretty well after themselves. I'm due with my second around the same time you are and will tell you that I'm willing to have just about anyone come and stay at the beginning because it's just SO hard sometimes and having another grown-up to talk to is nice. My step-mom will be coming the first week of July to help out, but we talked about my "expectations" of her visit and she knows it's not a vacation for her :)

It's a personal decision and honestly, you might like the help but it really depends on your relationship with them!

Good luck and sorry if that was very rambly :)

Just be greatful that they arent planning to be at your house when you get home from the hospital! lol. But seriously, be greatful for that. They are this baby's grandparents, and they are excited too. After a month, you will at least have somewhat of a schedule in place (but be ready for it to change, because every baby has a mind of their own, and things change all the time!) I think you will see that you will welcome a few extra hands. I remember my inlaws were there for the first few days, and I was overwhelmed, but when they left, I felt like I wanted their company again! (hormones i think!) Anyway I think after a month and while the baby is still a newborn is a good amount of time for a visit. You will want to get out for a little bit and they may have some answers to questions that come up too.

You already have a ton of great advice. Good luck.

Dear M. I,
I don't think your in-laws want to come for entertainment. They are as excited as you. It's amazing how grandparents insist on catering to their little new one. Be happy that they are coming. You'll be thankful for the help.

I think this all depends on what sort of role your in-laws are planning on taking.

My mother-in-law (I adore her) came and stayed with us for 4 days after we brought the baby home from the hospital. It was unbelievably helpful and fantastic because she "knew her role". Basically, she asked us "What do you want me to do? I can cook you dinner, I can clean something if you want, I can do a load of laundry, or I can hold the baby and let you get a nap/shower." She did not act like a visitor; she totally took on a role of personal assistant so to speak. And...she initiated all of this herself; I had no idea what I was getting into with my first baby so she just offered, offered, offered. At first I felt a little guilty but she insisted. She basically said "I know it can be tough bringing your first baby home from the hospital so just let me know what you need me to do and do not be afraid to ask!"

On the other hand, I know that there are some new grandparents who want to show up at the house as soon as the newborn gets home but still expect the new mom to be a grand hostess. That would totally suck and would cause so much strain and stress for the new parents and baby.

My advice to you would be to try and get an idea of what their expectations are. Perhaps start out the conversation with "We are really anxious about bringing the baby home and getting settled into a routine. This is all very new for us and we want the transition to be as smooth as possible. Would you mind waiting a few weeks until after the baby is born before visiting and staying an extended period of time?" And at that point, their response should be able to tell you whether or not they plan on coming to 'visit' or to 'help'.

If they want to come to truly help - then seriously, don't turn that down! I would have been happy to let my mother-in-law stay for a month if she wanted to! It was such a blessing to have her.

Hi there. I assume they will be staying at your house for the month. This could be a blessing or a curse. If they are coming with the intention of helping out with you and the house and cooking/cleaning occasionally, it may be a big help. My parents came out for a week after my first was born and it was a big help. They did not expect to be entertained or waited on. They helped us so much. I would clearly explain what your expectations are and inform them that you are going to be unavailable much of the time for activities. Communication is the key and make sure your husband is on-board with you as well. That is a beautiful, but crazy time...the birth of your first. Congratulations and best of luck!

P.S. What part of the city are you working? I worked for CPS in cluster 5 for a couple of years.

Take the help! You will want and need it! Even if it with cleaning. Let go of that classroom control (I am a teacher too:). Let them help! It doesn't have to be a nightmare, be realistic and take what you can because as teachers we know how fast a week goes by! Before the week starts talk to them and ask them of there intentions, by saying we look forward to you coming and I wonder what you look forward to what you look forward too? Then you will know how you will be able to adjust ahead of time. I nursed too. Go in another room or use a blanket. It will be ok! I promise. I am not close to my mom and she stayed for two weeks and I had to let go and learn to just chill! Use there talents and support in what ever way they can. If if means holding the baby so you can shower or go to the bathroom...so be it. These are his parents and they are only trying to help. Ask your husband what kind of parents they were so you have an idea what they might be good at doing and and delegate if they don't mind:)

Mom of cray of inlaws and a mom she is not close to:)

Congratulations and good luck! I'm the Mom of a 6wk old and all of our family lives out of town. We have had both sets of parents stay with us already (and some siblings) and I had the same concern. My advice is that you and your husband have to set your expectations up front with them! We told our parents that we needed their help with cooking/cleaning/ and taking the baby so that we could get a moment's peace, but otherwise we are the parents and will be tending to our baby. You may want a little break since you can certainly get cabin fever.If you don't think you can do this or that they will stick to the rules then ask them them to visit at a later date. Talking to them frankly worked out well for us and we found we wanted their help sooner rather than later.

I can't believe they are willing to wait that long! Most of the moms I know seem to be feeling good are really in a groove by the time the baby is a month old. If they know you are planning to breastfeed then that should not be an issue in them not letting you have your naps. You are going to want (or need) contact with grown people at that point I am sure. Don't let this worry you and stress you at what should be one of the happiest times of your life.

On a side note, my inlaws came into town the day I was being induced and stayed for a few days after my son was born - IN A HOTEL!

I think you should tell/ask them exactly what you wrote here. Ask what they're expectations for the visit are, whether they will want to help or be entertained. Express your concerns and have a discussion about it. I'm thinking they are on the older side, so they will probably just want to hold the baby and not expect sight seeing tours!
At that age, the baby won't be doing much but sleeping and eating, so perhaps they might want to delay their visit until the baby is more aware (and let's face it, fun).
Then again, crying and fussiness gets pretty bad in the second month, right around 6 weeks, so you may be glad to have extra people to pass the baby to, so you can have a break.
So just talk to them and try to work it out together.
Best of luck with your baby!

Congratulations on your upcoming arrival!!!

I will speak from experience here - I would say that unless the in-laws are coming to help with the baby and help around the house that they wait for a few weeks so that you have time to bond as a family. Maybe have your husband somehow tell them - this in a nice and easy way. for ex."you know, this is going to be quite a transition - why don't you give us a few weeks so that we get used to this on our own and we will be much better with visitors then?"

The DAY I came home from the hospital my sister-in-law, a cousin, and my sister-in-laws boyfriend (whom I had never met) were sitting on my couch. I guess they thought they should be there or being supportive but it annoyed me. They simply sat on the couch for the hours they were there - I finally just went upstairs with the baby and slept!!!!!

For a few days after I came home people were in and out constantly and no one did much (I had a c-section and could have used some help) and I was too mousey to come out and ask them to do something......My mom came about 2 weeks after my son was born and by then my husband was back at work - just the three of us, mom, grandma, and baby were at the house and that was great - I no longer felt I needed to entertain and my mom was truly more than helpful.

Good luck

If their intentions are to come and help, trust me, you will definately appreciate it. I would've loved to have someone there while my fiance was working. It can make alot of difference in your day if you have someone that can assist you in even the tiniest things. But if they are coming and expect to be the "guests", my suggestion is to hold off for a couple months for a long visit. While I'm sure they are excited to see the new grand-baby, you are still going to be recovering and adjusting to motherhood, and you definately don't want to have to cater to anyone other than your child. I would talk to them and see if you can get a feel of what they plan to do once they arrive.
GOOD LUCK!

Have your husband talk to them before they come to make sure they are planning on helping out, and to tell them that you will need to sleep when the baby is sleeping. I've had three kids and three C-sections. I relied on help heavily, especially after the 2nd and 3rd kids. In my experience, there are two kinds of visitors-the helpers, and the ones that are there only to see the baby. Make sure your in-laws plan on being helpers; if they are, you will be grateful to have them there.

Congratulations, and how wonderful to get the help. More than likely you will be setting the precidence of how much your visitors help. The visit is to assist you and your husband to organize and plan a schedule. One month should be enough time for two professionals to schedule cooking, sleeping, cleaning, relaxation, playtime and other obligations. You and your husband could be the main caregivers when the baby arrives home, the help will upkeep the home cleaning, yard work, cooking and shopping, as well as helpful experience and advice. Best of Luck on the new addition.

Just remember, both of you will be sleep deprived.

You will receive tons of advice everyone...what does your heart tell you?

Hi M.,

First of all, congratulations! It's really up to your personal preference and your relationship with your inlaws. I have just one child and I'm in the same age bracket as you, and my husband and I just wanted to figure it out on our own and not have either mom stay with us to help. My sister, on the other hand, had our mom stay with her for a week each time with her three kids, but we're different. For me, I thought it was such a special, sacred time in our marriage to have this new little person join our family and even though we had no idea what we were doing, we wanted to figure it out ourselves (but of course with the phone nearby to ask questions! And baby books--those helped a LOT!!) But that all said, by about week 4, we were shelacked and some help would have been nice. I would say, if you are close with them and comfortable with being in your pajamas, breastfeeding constantly, and sleep deprived in front of your inlaws, by week four you may welcome some help. If you are second guessing it at all, just suggest they come and visit at the 2 month or three month time frame since it's really the first 6-8 weeks that you'll be a sleep deprived disaster. You will feel more like yourself after 8 weeks. It really depends on your personality and your relationship with your inlaws. If you do decide to have them come, make sure your husband sets the ground rules for them (easier for him to do with his own parents) and agrees to run interference when necessary for you to keep your sanity. Good luck and congratulations!

P.S.- If I had a do-over on my college degree, I would love to be I speech pathologist! :-)

Well visitors and parents/inlaws are different in my mind. Are you close with your mother-in-law, what are the chances she would be helpful and be good about letting you sleep and all that and not expect you to entertain and cook? My family all lives far away and I welcomed help as much as people were willing to give it, I just would make it clear, in a really nice way, that if they come what to expect and all that, they are family, they should understand and you should be able to be honest with them about your worries etc.
Good luck!

Congrats M. on your upcoming arrival!

I have to be honest with you, you are going to be adjusting for the next 18 years plus. We had visitors from the start including my mother in law coming to stay with us for a week less than 4 days after my daughter was born. Sometimes visitors can give you a break or help out with groceries. I think they will understand that you can not entertain like you usually do. I think you should what makes you feel comfortable but a month doesn't sound too unreasonable. Good luck with breastfeeding, I've been doing for almost a year and enjoy the time that we share.

M.,

Do not let anyone stay with you who expects to be waited on. This will exhaust you. At 4 weeks to a month it will be fine to have low maintenance people in your house, and if you had to you could probably tolerate high maintenance for a week, but I would lay some ground rules - and then have your Husband inform his parents very tactfully and assuredly what those rules are. They should be understanding most people are, but make sure you lay out what you expect from their visit... and good luck. Babies are amazing and so are grandparents!

Much love.

everyone is different but for me a visit after a month would have been fine. my parents couldn't travel so I went to ireland to visit them 5 weeks after my daughter was born. Hopefully, they will help and you should do as you need to do ie sleep when you need to sleep. My dad is shy but he did fine with my breastfeeding whereever. It was just a fact of life. I didn't go hide when doing it. It is a natural thing and he got used to it. good luck and enjoy.

Congratulations! I didn't have family that came and stayed with us and I really wish I would have, the help would have been wonderful. I would say that a month is a good amount of time to get semi adjusted and if you wait too long they might expect you too have everything take care of and under control. I would suggest that you tell them or have your husband tell them that they are more than welcome to come and visit if they help out with cleaning and cooking. I would still take naps when the baby naps. At a month old most babies (not mine) sleep a good amount throughout the day so you could probably take 1 nap while your baby sleeps and then be up the rest of the time to spend with your in-laws. I think once they are there they will remember what it was like to have a newborn and jump in and help out. With my family everyone lives within 45 minutes of us so they were only visiting for a few hours which was not enough time for them to see how much I really needed a little extra help around the house.
I hope you have a healthy, beautiful child!
C.

My father in law and stepmother-in-law came in 4 days after our daughter was born. They stayed with us for 4 days. I was very hesitant to have them stay with us because they are the type who need to be entertained and aren't very helpful (and I really didn't want to clean up after them when they left). I was planning on breastfeeding (although ended up just pumping).

Before they came, my husband told them they would have to do their sheets/towels before they left (and they did strip everything and throw it in the washer before they left. I bascially just did my own thing while they were here. I slept when I wanted to, and escaped to my room to pump or relax when needed. I did ask them to not hold the baby the whole time they were here because I didn't want to create a situation where my daughter needed to be held at all times. They would leave her while I was in the room but everytime I returned, she was being held. They did not cook, do dishes, do the baby's laundry, etc. They did let my husband and I leave the baby with them so we could get a few things done (like a trip to babies r us) and that was great!

I think if your inlaws want to come a month after the baby is born for a week, you should be grateful for the extra help and babysitters. Just do what you need to do...if you need a nap, just excuse yourself. They should understand and remember how tired you are!

hope this helps! :) Good luck!

I would say NO WAY! Maybe after 2-3 months, but believe me, you will need time to adjust and get on a schedule. I would not want any guests staying in my house. But thats just me. Its a huge change, give yourself time. If its too soon, youre going to be hating your guests.

I think I would play it by ear and explain to them that after you get home with the baby you will see how things are going and will let them know when they can come. I'd also explain that they may be "on their own" a bit as you don't want to interrupt any schedules you may be establishing for your family. That way maybe they will get the idea that you can't wait on them hand and foot. Good Luck!

Hi M. I'm C.. Its' okay for your in-laws to visit month after the baby is born believe me your mother in-law stands,and you will welcome the help.

WOW! Lucky you, I'm a mother of three girls and a son, and I wish my in-laws could come over in help. As long as they are not smokers and respect your wishes, then them coming over should be fine. Take from a mother who never got any help, take it.

A month is a long time. I would say if they wanted to come for two or three days and then come back in 6 weeks. (I suppose that depends on how far they are coming from)

My in-laws were going to stay and I was glad when they didn't. That being said mine were not helpful and I had to entertain and clean up after them.

Congrats and let the adventure begin!

you didnt mean they are coming FOR a month.. you meant coming a month after you have the baby. i think you should tell them (have your husband tell them) that you will have to see how it goes the first couple weeks and then plan their visit together. of course they are excited but that is a lot to expect of you to have houseguests with such a little one so soon. if things are going great and you are getting enough rest and feeding is going well, i think a month could be ok but who can predict all of that? i wouldnt worry about them being bent out of shape, i think most normal people would understand. if you think they will be helpful while they are there, then welcome the extra hands and use it to your advantage... if having them there will just add to your long list of things to do, then delay it until you have a schedule going that works for you and the baby is pretty predictable. talk to your husband and let him explain. good luck with everything!!!

If you think they'll pitch in and help, have them come as soon as possible. Then you can be with the baby, get more rest, and not have to worry about doing the 19 loads of laundry or going to the grocery store. If you think they're going to expect you, as a new mother, to entertain them, then have them wait a few months.

Having visitors versus having overnight guests is a completely different deal!!

The LAST thing in the world I would want is my in-laws staying overnight, let alone for a week. I would have them stay at a motel or at someone else's house at night. All the help you will need is during the day....errands, cooking, cleaning, help with the baby. You wouldn't expect that they would be getting up for the 3am feeding anyway, right?

Without an "out" for them to have somewhere to go, they will feel obligated to stay there every moment. Having guests that don't leave is exhausting.

For the first couple weeks I didn't allow anyone in the house for more than an hour or two. My mother balked, but this time was about my children and my husband, other people can wait.

Whatever your feelings/needs/preferences are...put your foot down. YOU are the mother now, and what you want for your child and your home are the law. Don't let guilt or desire to please your in-laws, make you do something you are not totally on board with. Have a sit down with your husband and decide what you both want. Be strong and accept help when you need it.

Just remind your inlaws that you'll need your sleep. I'm sure they realize you'll be tired. They may be coming to help you with bathing, rocking, etc. Even maybe cook meals for you and hubby. Welcome the offered help. Embrace it.

If you are going to be able to do what you need to do and be assertive about it, then let them visit. If you think they will not know how to (or be willing) to help, then its not a good idea. Now you may have a easy time of it.....baby arrives on time w/fairly easy labor and the breastfeeding goes well and the baby sleeps.... If that is the case, then visitors at that point might be a nice change of pace. But....if things don't go smoothly the last thing you are going to want to deal with is high maintenance inlaws. How does your husband get along with his folks? Can he speak directly to them or will he feel like if needs to defer to their wishes? If the inlaws are the easy going helpful type then I wouldn't worry about it. But it really comes down to that.Don't saddle your new family with relatives you have to "entertain". Can you speak to them about your concerns ahead of time? Can your husband? Your inlaws may just be trying to do what they think is required of them (that they go visit and "help"). They may be more comfortable visiting at the 3 month mark and just need you guys to tell them that's OK. Good luck with your decision and congrats on starting your family!!

Hi M.,

I am a nursing mom, and have been since my son was born 15 months ago. We had visitors a week after my son was born, and it was too soon. However, by the month mark I had a somewhat predictable sleeping schedule and wasn't napping during the day anymore except rarely. I also was finally amenable to the idea of having others help me out by holding him. And all our visitors always wanted to help - whether it was washing dishes, sweeping floors, doing laundry, etc, I never felt the pressure to entertain, it was all about me and the baby and what they could do to help. It was pretty nice!!

Congratulations! I had my daughter at the end of June and it's a great time to have a baby.
I'd say after a month is fine for them to come as long as they are helpful. You will not be ready to entertain for any length of time, at least I wasn't. You'll still be getting the hang of things (like breastfeeding if you're doing that) and still tired. But help with meals, cleaning, holding a crying baby, etc. is fantastic, so if your in-laws can pitch in, it could be a wonderful thing. One person said you'll have a routine down by then - don't count on it. Babies aren't on any schedule 4 weeks into things and almost everyone I know needed closer to 8 weeks to really get the hang of breast feeding. It's kind of a free-for-all those first FEW months. But it's fantastic, even if it doesn't always seem so at the time!:-) Enjoy, take naps, and let anyone who is willing to pitch in do so.

x

I ADMIRE how grounded and realistic you already are about becoming a New Mom!!! I did the opposite thing -- I pretended I had 100% of things "under control" and let anyone and everyone who wanted to visit in, and kept up with the laundry and cleaning...and I was absolutely miserable. I don't have any advice, other than you should be as easy on yourself as possible. My very best wishes to you!!! You are already on the right path for you and your newborn!!

I gave birth at home, with the aid of midwives. When they left for the night, they hung a wonderful sign on my door. It announced the good news of the birth of my son and all the important stats. Then it went on to say that visitors are welcomed to stop in for a quick visit if... They remain quiet, do a load of laundry, put a meal in the frige, wash any dishes that maybe in the sink or wash my floors. Any of the above would be helpful!

I think that your in-laws are excited about their new grandchild, and MOST women who are moms NEVER forget the time following the birth of their children. Your mother in-law, would/should understand your needs. I say, talk with her, let her know you can't wait for her to meet your baby, and ask for her imput (DOESN'T mean you have to do it, just validate her wisdom. She will likely be open to your requests and needs.) If it were me, that is how I would start the conversation. (Asking her about her experience with your husband as a baby, what were her needs etc.)

June 21st is a great day. My son was due the 20th and came the 21st. Anyway, I would recommend at least 3-4 weeks before the well-wishes came. It is enough to get acclimated together as a family and having the stress of outside guests can be a lot and add to the stress that your emotions are already having as your hormones try to balance themselves again. They should understand and say maybe that you are then going to ahve a "coming-out" party so all can see at once!

Wow, you got lots of responses! I guess the big question is whether your MIL is coming to help out or to be entertained. Only you know what kind of relationship you have with her. It would be great if you could talk to her ahead of time and tell her that you need help with cooking, laundry, etc.

Maybe she's the kind of MIL that needs to be waited on. Not good. Then I might say that you don't know how tired you'll be, but it might not be as much fun until the baby is a bit older.

My MIL lived near and she wanted to be waited on, so when she came it kind of sucked. Luckily I always planned her visits on the weekend so the hubby did all the work and I just sat there with the baby.

This is the beginning with her, so you and hubby need to talk about their visits for the future. When will they come, how long they will stay, etc.

She might not care about anything else besides seeing that baby, you just don't know until you talk to her. Ask her what she wants to do during the visit besides see the baby and that might give you some idea of her expectations.

M.

M.,

My parents arrived in town the day our daughter was born and stayed at the hospital with us until she was born. They stayed at our house for the next week... They didn't expect to be entertained, they just wanted to be with us. By the time your baby is a month old, you should have a decent routine going, at least around the house. You may even be ready to get out a little bit.
I would go ahead and let them make the plans, but have them understand that if something happens and you aren't ready for guests that plans might have to change (them staying at a hotel instead of your house).

Good luck!

My mom stayed with us for a week 2 weeks after my son was born. It was a nightmare. She said she was coming to help me, but all she wanted to do was hold the baby. I needed her to cook and clean and watch the baby while I slept, but she only did what she wanted to do, which was sit on the couch and drink coffee and watch t.v. while I waited on her. Ugh! I am getting mad just thinking about it! I also breastfed and did not feel comfortable doing it in front of people, so I had to go to my bedroom everytime he was hungry. What a pain! I was really not ready to have someone in my home so close to the birth of my son. It would have been different if she were actually helping me, of course. Are your in-laws the type of people who will actually pitch in and help without being asked? How comfortable do you feel having them in your home when you and your house are not at it's best? Will you feel like you need to entertain them? Then I would vote that they come for a day or two and maybe stay in a hotel close by. Let them know that that is too much work to have them stay with you for so long, especially when you and your husband are adjusting to your new life. If they are the type of people who you are comfortable with and who will help out a lot, then you should have them stay. I couldn't wait for my mom to leave so we could have our house back to ourselves. We are due with our second child in September and my mom is already talking about staying with us and "helping out" right after the baby is born. I am dreading having to tell her that her "help" is not needed. Good luck!

Don't forget how excited they are to have a new grandchild. You can't expect to make them wait 2 months to spend time with their son's child. Let them come & spend time with the baby. Don't be afraid to ask them for help. I would even take advantage of the situation & allow them to watch the baby while you get out of the house. Even if they have a different method than you do when it comes to taking care of the baby, they successfully raised your husband. Let them know how you want things done & let them enjoy their new grandbaby.

In my experience, the "babymoon" as the first weeks are called, is a very important and special family time and I think, best spent with just your immediate family. You will be recovering and you and your husband and baby will all be getting to know each other. As long as your husband will be around enough to help you out, i would say, wait a few weeks before anyone comes to stay with you. Especially if your visitors are the type that are not helpful (i.e., all visitors MUST cook, do laundry, clean without needing to be asked, etc.) or need to be entertained. For them i would wait even longer, perhaps 6 weeks, but sometimes its hard to keep grandmas away. ;-) Also, a month is also a VERY long time to have someone in your house. A week or 2 at the most sounds more doable.

Another aspect of visitors, which you may not find helpful is all of the welcome/unwelcome advice.... my mom-in-law did not breastfeed and thought it was "disgusting" so it was a little awkward having her around and turning her nose up. I find that lots of things they "used to do" when we were babies are not the same as things are done now - and you shouldn't have to justify your parenting decisions to anyone, especially at the beginning when there is so much to learn and so much stress and hormonal emotion going on.

Other people I'm sure have much more supportive and helpful relatives and would welcome visitors, so this is just my opinion. Congratulations!! you are embarking on a wonderful life-long journey. Enjoy every minute.

I agree with Jennifer P.! They will probably be more helpful than you think and it will give you some extra "mommy time" and you and your husband can go out on a date! Enjoy that time, it doesn't come along too often after baby!!!

I would tell them how u feel. One thing that a person should have is a voice. when something is going to affect you why not speak out. I can understand how you feel and because this is your baby, your home you have the control. I am sure that your in laws will understand. Be honest that is the best policy.

I know you have gotten alot of responses, but just wanted to give you my thoughts. I think it depends alot on how close you are with your in-laws and if you think they would be a help or not. I'm due with #3 in June as well and my MIl is coming to help me out. She has come with all of my kids thus far. My husband does not have the option of taking time off when I have a baby. Usually he just takes off the day I have the baby, and then comes and stays at the hospital after work until I come home then it's back to normal for him. My MIL has been my life saver. She helps by doing laundry (before we lived in a split level and laundry room was downstairs) and cooking. The best help was her helping with the older one when I had my 2nd and this time she will be helping with my 2 older ones. This helps them not feel left out and I can deal with what I need to for the baby. My MIL has also done some light shopping if I needed something and that kind of thing. On the other hand My dad and step mom would not be as much of a help... I think they might want to be entertained, but more then that they would want to help with the baby all the time (holding, changing, etc..) which I can handle, but not the other "stuff". So... after all my rambling... I think it depends on you and your relationship with them and what they will be there for. Also, a month after the baby is born you should be feeling a little better and might welcome having someone else around.