Overbearing Sister-in-law - Continued

My friend had a similar situation with her MIL.
But worse.
And, she and her Husband disowned, them.
The MIL was VERY toxic and VERY very mean.
They needed to do that.
People don't change. Most often.

You have to call them on it RIGHT when they are doing it. Immediately. Kind of like dog training...so they can't insist that they don't know what they've done wrong when you mention it later.

When you see/hear SIL trying to discipline your child, simply step in, literally in front of your child, and say "This is my daughter. You need to let me handle this."

When MIL calls SIL to do something, laugh and say "I think you're getting the grandkids mixed up...this one is ours. I've got this handled, thanks."

Hmmm, you dont give tons of info, but I am going to take a stab in the dark.....

Your MIL may be extremely high strung and feels like she needs to tell someone your children are bothering her, and doesnt feel comfortable telling you, as parents, so she yells at her daughter to do something about it??

Crappy, I agree. I dont know. People are very weird. Im done trying to understand them.

Just do you, your kids and your husband, and dont think about too much else or you will drive yourself insane.

:)

If your husband doesn't want to be around them either, then you aren't the DIL that avoids, you are supporting your husband. And if their behavior warrents avoiding, then avoid. It's perfectly ok. If you do choose to do some holiday stuff with them, be proactive with your kiddos when they are around. Don't give the SIL a chance to do it, and maybe plan with hubby what to do if she does - like a pleasant "sis, you're doing it again" thing. And if they don't like it, you can leave. They are the ones misbehaving. They have to deal with the consequences, just like kids do.

I like Molly's response, that's a good guess at the 'why'. And you do mention that they are making an effort, so it could be worse.

My MIL was awful when we first had our daughter. She told us how to do everything, pointed out what she thought was wrong, and if said we did something one way, she told us it was wrong. On and on, very overbearing and irritating.

We came at it three ways. First, we were just sweet and would say things like "you know, we love for you to just be grandma. we know how we want to parent her, and just need you to love her". Second, we used humor/sarcasm some times. If she said "this sleep on the back thing is nonsense, she'll sleep longer on her tummy", we said "what an unusual choice to make in raising your daughter.... oh wait, she's not your daughter!". And third, we were stronger, saying "we appreciate that you have raised kids and know a thing or two about parenting, but we feel pretty good about what we're doing. It's hard to be here when you are so critical, and if you aren't able to pull back a bit, we won't be able to come around as much". The combo of these things took time, but they did work. She finally accepted that if she wants access to our kid, she needed to back off.

You've already laid the groundwork with the tough conversation you've had. I'd start with the sweet reminders- "thanks for the help, but we really just love it when you're aunt/grandma and not mom and dad". And ramp it up from there if need be.

J., I have never been in this situation, but here is what I think you should do. As soon as they start this, pack up and leave. It's just like dealing with a child. As soon as the bad behavior begins, you take them home so that they miss the fun and associate the fun and good behavior together. I think this is what you kind of need to do with the family.

They will be angry and it will cause another furor. But if they want your presence in their lives, they will have to stop it. In order for you to make them understand, you need to drive the point home by giving them a consequence for it.

Give one warning - "Mom, exactly why is it that you're calling SIL instead of me when it has to do with MY children?" Call her on it. Don't ignore it. If she explains it away, tell her "Mom, I meant what we talked about." She does it again, gather up and go home. It is the ONLY way she will quit. With SIL, it will be harder. You say to her "I'VE got this. Please deal with your own children." Only do it for things that are REALLY an issue. We all tend to act "motherly" with kids in the extended family.

You don't have to go to their houses for gatherings. If you make that perfectly clear, then they will start actually trying to stop it.

Dawn

Let SIL babysit while you and hubby go elsewhere. She wants to 'mother'? Let her--full time!

Just because they are family does not mean you have to deal with people who are acting weird. Life is too short to worry about how everyone else feels. If they make you feel invisible and are overbearing I would avoid seeing them. How do your husband and kids feel about this situation? If they feel similar to you then be happy within your own family and with true friends, and forget about the in laws. Hubby can always go see his family for short visits by himself if he wants to. I used to visit my parents by myself, partially because flying all of us would cost too much PLUS hotel, and if I went by myself I could stay with my parents. But partially because my mom was super critical (almost OCD) about how things should be done and it was just easier to please her if I came alone and could give her my undivided attention.

Either jump in and let them know YOU have the situation under control and to back off, or just don't go over anymore. We went through this years ago and went several years not speaking at all. Matter of fact, they never met my triplets until they were 6 or so when my MIL was in the hospital not sure if she'd make it. My teen son didn't remember them, it had been so long. My adult son is married and living in another state and still don't speak to them. You have to make a stand and keep up on it or leave. You can't change them but you can change your actions by calling them on their poor behavior or leaving. Not a great feeling but it's better than being walked on and your children seeing this.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

I think if you would have sat down and tried to empathize with your SIL, you would not be in this position.

Can you not see that she does that because it's probably the ONLY time she gets to pretend to be a mother? Are you so self-centered and so insecure that you can't give her that?

If I were you, I would have taken full advantage and relaxed while she tended to my children. Of course, I KNOW that my children/grandchildren know who and what I am to them, so I'm not insecure and don't worry that someone is going to take my place in my childs/grandchild's eyes.

I think you and hubby need to grow up, and try to practice some empathy.

Just wait until you're a grandma and your DIL or SIL is posting this stuff about you! Karma is a bit#h!

I didn't go back & read your other post, but have a few tips for you.

This is where you push through the pain.
You've expressed the issue. They're aware of it now--half the battle.
You've gotta give things a fighting chance to get to some semblance of "normal," right?
Sooooo...if you things sliiiiiiding back--speak up nicely but firmly ex: "I already told her no chips before dinner. She'll ruin her appetite."

It's the season---good luck!