Mil - Clinton,IA

Call her up and see if there are any hidden problems that she has. I had this problem with my MIL and it was because she didn't like the way I organize my house - it is crazy chaos, well 3 kids mentally under the age of 4 doesn't help. So just give her a call and find out it is the only way to find out what is going on, if you don't feel comfortable making the call have your husband talk to them. Hope this helps out.

M.
mom to Ryan 9 1/2 (Down syndrome, severe ADHD, Bipolar, anxiety, GERD, lactose intolerance, asthma, allergies)
Abbey and Alexa 3 1/2 my "normal" identical twins

I am sure they took offense, possibly even misinterpreted your reaction to their illness when you son was tiny. Have you asked them why they don't come over? Have you asked your sister-in-law? Getting things out in the open might be a good first step. As an EC professional, I know that I don't want to be around children when I am really sick--but we also can't protect children from everything. It is good for them to build up immunities. However some people may not understand your reluctance to expose your child to illness. I think you need to find out what the trouble is, and take it from there.

As a future MIL (My stepson is engaged and will be married this summer), I'll add my perspective. A couple of things came to mind when I read your post.

My first thought was that it might be helpful to avoid comparing your MIL's visits to your SIL to her situation with you and your husband. Sometimes a mother's relationship is different with a daughter than a son so hurts, frustrations, and anger are more easily dealt with. It also doesn't sound helpful to make these comparisons about how she treats your SIL and how she treats you and your husband.

My next thought is that it seems as though some of the people in this dynamic are personalizing things. She personalized as rejection your request not to be around your child when she was sick. You could be personalizing her not coming to your home as rejection of you. A few years ago I read a book The Four Agreements that changed my life in terms of relationships. One of the agreements is "don't personalize anything." The important thing is that someone has to make the first move ... which leads to another agreement "always do your best." If you can make the effort and even apologize for any misunderstanding you may have caused by your original request, you are controlling the only thing you can control: you. I very much liked the advice to initiate the contact and would add only a suggestion for an apology for anything you may have UNintentionally done to create the rift. If this sounds unfair, think about it this way: do you want to be right or do you want to have a relationship (including making it possible for your child to have a relationship) with your MIL and FIL?

I'm reading this and realizing it sounds very "preachy" and I apologize for that but hope that this gives another perspective on what sounds like your underlying goal: to have a great relationship with your MIL and to do what you need to do make sure your child is able to have a great relationship with all grandparents.

<<We have no problem with the MIL seeing out son there, but wonder why she never comes to our house unless she is invited or if she needs my husband to help with something.>>

Your MIL comes to your house if she's invited. So, invite her more often if you want to see her more... I don't mean to oversimplify things--and I don't know your family dynamics--but I *never* just drop in on people, ever. Do you really want her showing up at all hours, unannounced?

Also, is your SIL your MIL's daughter, or is she another in-law? If she is your MIL's daughter, your MIL may just be more at ease around her and being at her house.

Is this a timing issue? Perhaps your MIL likes to do her visiting during the day.

In any event, the only person who knows the answers is your MIL. Ask her if you want, but if she speaks freely, be prepared for what she may have to say.

I would just confront them in a non-accusatory way about what you are feeling and hear what they say. I tend to jump to conclusions and assume a situation a certain way, but my husband is very good at pointing out other perspectives, so it has made me stop and try to see things from all angles. It could be they don't even realize they are doing it! Perhaps your MIL goes to your SIL's because it is a more convenient time during the day, or your SIL invites her to come over often, etc. It really could be a lot of different scenarios just based on what you described here.

The best thing to do is just ask them about it before you and your hubby get really upset and even little things start to bother you too.

HTH,
A.

I think your MIL is being polite. Most of us would love a MIL that didn't come over unless invited, lol. Don't be offended, if you want her to come over, then invite her over. It is a very nice situation.

It is also very possible your husband's sister has extended your MIL a standing invitation to come over and visit when you child is there.

Hi! I used to wonder why my (recently deceased) MIL didn't visit more (or at all) and started to get a little offended. But there were a few things going on. First, she wasn't super healthy and often in pain and didn't really like leaving her house. Second, my son acts differently around people when I am around - more clingy to me, less interested in the other adults. I decided that if I wanted them to have a great relationship, they needed to be together without me around. So my husband would take my son to see her on the weekends for a few hours. I got some time to myself, my husband saw his mother and she saw them. She wouldn't have minded me there, but it seemed to work out better for everyone. And I agree with the other poster, don't take it personally. It's not worth it. Now my MIL is dead and I miss her, and I miss the relationship that my (now 2) sons won't have with her. Your MIL might be having a great relationship with your son and he might be acting more affectionate toward her with you (the mother - the center of his universe) not around. It's the same with my own mother -- she enjoys the visit more when I'm not there b/c he's not distracted by me. I'd give this time to them and praise her for making the effort! It takes a village, but you don't have to be in the same hut! (I made that up ;-)).

Hugs! K.

BTW, I didn't have a GREAT relationship with my MIL, but in the end, we had a good one and the most important part was that she had a good relationship my son. I was secondary and perfectly happy with that.

Maybe MIL feels the need to be invited to your house and not her daughters. Perhaps you should extend an open invitation or invite her more often. The next time she mentions going to your SIL house to see your son, ask her "Why do you drive 5 miles to see him, when we live just a few blocks away? You are welcome to visit him at home." If you don't want her just showing up whenever is convient for her you could tell her she is welcome every tuesday morning and friday afternoon or something. The stuation could be as simple as the days your SIL has him are the days she available.

To them they are "old hands" at raising children, being around grandchildren and know that children are pretty hardy when it comes to being exposed to different illnesses. You are new to the parenting and they have forgotten how it was with your first new born child. You are right not wanting sick people around your infant, I am sure if they would think back to their first born they would remember they were that way also. My 3rd child, I didn't let anyone by my husband be at the hospital with me when he was born since I had C Sections and my second was born and everyone seen her before I had a chance to and it bothered me. That I am sure caused some hurt feelings with my mom and mother in law, but they got over it. Your in-laws probably are over that but you still worry about it enough that they aren't sure if you are still distant because of it and don't want to over step their place. Your mother in law is close to her daughter and her home is an extention of her home. You don't say how close you are to your mother but you have to know that the bond between a mother and daughter is very strong just as a bond between father and son. I lucked out with a beautiful daughter in law that I bonded with very quickly who thinks of me as a friend. I also bonded with my mother in law since we lived out on the ranch close to them for 10 years, but I also know that the bond my mother in law and I have is different then the one she has with her daughter even though I see her more.

My advice is to sit down with your mother in law and tell her you would like to see more of her and make plans to do things together. It doesn't matter if it is shopping or lunch, as long as you have time to build a friendship and bond. You might also tell her that you would like her to feel comfortable coming over and visiting more often. It is a wonderful thing to see the bond develope between your son and his grandmother so watching them together is important to you, after all, how can you remain distant to a woman who loves your son so much? ;-)

D., I think you have a no-win situation on your hands.

My husband and I went thru this same thing, only it was MY mother who was the pain, which caused a lot of tension for us (especially my hubby).

This was a long time ago (dd is now 8 years old), so I have had time to digest that situation and regret how much I let it bother me at the time. I did talk to my mom at the time (or tried to) but it did nothing except cause defensiveness on her part. For a loooong time afterward it was problematic, because she always thought she was being critized and felt misunderstood and unnapreciated. Ironically, this caused her to stay away, which had the consequence of us feeling critical. It was a no-win.

I hope that you are able to ride it out better than I was.

I liked Connie D's post. So true. My husband has a sister and of course his mom spends a lot more time visiting her than she does visiting us. He have three children, she has one. If I really wanted to be jelious about it I guess I could. I used to think it was weird she didn't want to spend as much time with our kids than her little guy, but really it is not about the kids. When she comes here she spends most of the time with the kids and a little bit with us. When she goes to my SIL house she spends more time talking with her daughter and spends time with the baby too, but she and my SIL just have that mother daughter bond. That's fine. Not all moms are that way though. My mom is very close with my brothers wife, they bowl together, shop together, and are more like best friends and actually have more incommon than I do with her:) Every relationship is different. I think the only resolution you need to have is with yourself and not worrying about it. It's probably your imagination that there even is a rift.