Should We Be Invited or Am I Too Sensitive?

If my SIL's mother was being taken out to dinner by my brother and SIL I would be *floored* if I got an invitation. All of her kids and their spouses and any grandkids and maybe some of her siblings and their spouses I would expect. MAYBE even the "other parents" (parents of spouses that they have gotten to know through their children). But not inlaws of inlaws. That's how you end up with a 100 person guest list in nothing flat. I wouldn't even expect an invite to a wedding that is on my SIL's side of the family, much less a birthday dinner.

I would not be invited to that party if it were my family and I was you but I probably wouldn't care--I would be relieved! But that is just me. Unless you are very, very close with them, I wouldn't think you required an invite with that level of relation. Sorry...just my opinion.

do you know her parents very well? It seems like a tenuous connection to be invited, unless you spend a lot of time with them. It's also possible it's expensive and they're limiting the guest list to only close friends/family.

I don't see why you would be invited, unless you are very close to your SIL's mom.

That's pretty extended "family," and I'd be genuinely surprised to get an invite from my husband's brother's wife for a party she's planning for her own kin. Particularly a party at a restaurant, where the bill for every guest is probably pretty high.

A general rule that serves me well is this: if you have to WONDER whether you should be offended or feel insulted over anything, then obviously you shouldn't. In fact, when those feelings sneak up and jump on you anyway, you should do everything in your power to put them to rest. Life is too short to nurse unhappiness. Particularly if you have children observing you – they learn what they see in practice. You want them to learn happiness habits, right?

I think what is most important here is your relationship to the guest of honor, your SIL's mom. It is her birthday celebration. If you feel close to the birthday girl, then being offended is understandable. If you aren't tight with your SIL's mother, then I think you're being oversensitive.

Perhaps your SIL invited your husband's parents because they have done some things together in the past, and felt it would be a polite gesture. The "parental in-laws" (as it were) often come together over the engagement and wedding of their children, babies, sharing care of the grandchildren if need be.... and perhaps they just all hit it off. If it were me, I wouldn't take offense, just let it be what it is: HER mom's 50th birthday.

I would also give some thought to what you wrote: "Just want to see if my anger is building up and this is the tip of the iceberg, or if this is something I should be offended by." and why you are so angry that your in-laws/SIL is not meeting your expectations of what 'family' is. So many of us have very different feelings in this regard. Might be worth examining what you are needing from this relationship, and why you are feeling so angry and perhaps rejected by your SIL.

For what it's worth, I don't think I know anyone who has such an all-encompassing concept of family that is practiced at every gathering.
But that's just me.

It's a good thing you have other people in your life,
other family members, other priorities.
Why choose to be offended?
You've got more important things to take care of.
Send the mother a Happy Birthday card.

E.,
I would not think that they would invite you to this party. Your SIL's mother is not a blood relative of yours. If your mother was having a birthday, would you have invited them? Do you normally do things with your husband's brother's wife's family? That seems like a far-reaching relation. Of course, our family is spread all over the country, so that isn't something I would have to deal with normally. I just wouldn't expect to be invited to my husband's sisters' husband's parent's birthday party. And, perhaps they are paying for the dinner, and they had to limit the number of guests. Just be gracious and let it go.

Your view on this is just like my MILs view. She feels that we are "all family" also. Truth of the matter is that she's "my family". I have to keep certain things "private" (like a family dinner held for my grandmother in October) so that she does not get offended for not being invited. You see, she's my family; but to my family, she's my inlaw. That's their perspective and it has to be repsected. This may also be your SILs perspective as well.

I think in this instance, you really shouldn't take not being invited to your SIL's parent's 50th anniversary party as a personal slight. They may have had to limit their guest list to accomodate their budget, which is a very real concern for most people in today's economy.

Another point that you may want to consider is the fact that this anniversary party is for your SIL's parents and about your SIL's parents -- not you and your SIL. So, even though you and your SIL are related by marriage, your MIL and FIL maybe much closer to her parents than you and your husband are and that is why they were invited to the party.

I understand that you have issues with your SIL other than this one invite issue. You are probably right that she may have a different view of family than you probably do. We all come from different families, have been raised differently, have different sensitivities and some of us can be a lot more reserved than others. I don't know what your SIL has done previously is wrong or is right but I think there is a good chance that it may be good for you to maybe look at you and your SIL from a different perspective.

I hope that you can find a way to learn to accept your sister for who she is and let go of some of the anger that you are holding onto. In most cases, the damage that anger will have toward your body and mind is simply not worth it.

I wouldn't be offended, personally. A limit needs to be set somewhere and there may also be all sorts of other pressures playing a role here that have nothing to do with you. Send a nice card and go out to dinner yourselves. It'll be loads more fun anyway.

I don't think you should be offended. My brother's wife's parents also do a lot of parties and never invite us. Not offended at all! They do invite my parents, but that's it.
Your brother's in-law's are not "really" a part of your family. They are a part of your brother's family.
I guess I am on your SIL side as to what constitutes "family". Take a breath, I don't think she is trying to slight you on this issue.

I don't think you should be invited. The exception is if you ALL share holidays together.

You're being too sensitive. I would never think of inviting my husband's sister's partner or husband's mother to anything! I barely know these women -and one I don't know at all! You're not family of his brother's wife's family. The parents of your husband's brother are family because their son is married to the birthday woman's daughter. You shouldn't expect an invite or be hurt not to get one.

You don't say how well you know her parents but I think you are being too sensitive about it. It seems like it is pretty far down the line to invite you and your husband. I don't know, I guess if you guys got together alot and hung out and saw each other often, maybe. Just be glad and make other plans and brag about how much fun you had that night doing whatever! Ha!!!

I echo exactly what Sara B. said. Just because your in-laws were invited does not mean that by extension you should as well. If that were the case, then your parents, siblings, etc. should be invited and so on. If you know them well and get together often, then it would make sense.

I don't think you should have been invited either. It's nothing personal it's just kind of a far stretch. If my SIL's mother was having a party I could understand my parents being invited but I would be shocked if my husband and I were. Let this one go and enjoy your holidays.

Unless your husband has other brothers / sisters who have been invited, then yes, I think you are being too sensitive. You are family, not immediate family, and it was very nice of them to invite your in-laws; they should not be punished by inviting them by them having to invite your in-laws immediate family. After all, it is at a restaurant, which means it costs money. Plus, IMO, a 50th birthday party is not an "invite everyone you're related to" type of event. Let it go; better yet, be gracious and send the birthday "girl" a nice birthday card.

I'm sure I'll be one among many to suggest that you may be reacting too sensitively to this matter. While technically you are "family" related by marriage, it's a rather distant relationship. It does not seem as though either you or your husband have a close personal relationship with these people. If I were throwing a party at a restaurant, chances are I would only invite those people (family or not) who I felt closest to.

Blow it off. My MIL had a party on the same day of my daughter's birthday party and invited my BIL, so no one from that side of her family showed up. We never received our invitation even though she said it was all planned far in advanced as if to say she didn't plan it on her birthday intentionally.

Further, FIL and his wife didn't show either. They called last minute to say that one of their Grandchildren broke their arm and they were headed to California. They are friends with the MIL and for all I know, they joined the party.

Some how...I don't really care.

It depends on the family dynamics. Is this party an intimate event? If so, then I would say maybe they wanted the closer relatives to attend. However, if it is anything less than intimate, I personally would be offended. Also, the fact that this is one of many you haven't been invited to.. I would probably be angry as well and feel like they don't consider me as part of the family. If this were a first time I would be able to be more likely to let it slide, but the fact that it sounds as if it happens often would make me seriously question it. So, I don't think you are over reacting because I think it's very natural to basically feel a bit left out.

I come from a family who's mentality is Family ALWAYS comes first.. meaning drop everything you are doing to help a family member because they need it. I do not share these views.. yes, I feel like family is VERY important, but I feel like YOU come first and then family.. but it is still at the very top of my list.

However, I have no idea what your family is like so I wouldn't automatically say it's okay to not be invited because I definitely know all about family and extended family (including in laws) who say and do things that are inappropriate.

I really hope that it was nothing personal to you and it was just more of a private affair.

No, I don't think you should have expected to be invited. We were never invited to birthday celebrations for my sister's husband's parents. My mom might have been invited - their children are married to each other! I've known my sister's MIL since I was 6 years old and I am 43, I see her a couple of times a year (Mothers Day, etc), my kids call her Grandma and would not be offended. Restaurant parties are very pricey and when you invite one SIL/BIL, that means you have to invite the other 3 or 4 and that can be 10 more people at $30 per head, and you can see how the cost adds up. They may have had a limit of how many people they could afford to invite

For a lack of a better word...she's a douche...maysbe she's realted to my sister-in-law....my brother and sister-in-law didn't even invite my parents when they got married...keep in mind my brother-in-law used to come every year to decorate my parents Christmas tree....don't take it personal...surround yourself with those that matter....and really who better than you to not have to give a gift!

.

If it makes you feel better, I have never even met any of my sister's in-laws. She has been married for four years and was with her husband for five years before that. But they eloped, so there was no wedding, which is where I would normally have expected to meet my BIL's family. So... it could be worse! :)

yeah, no offense, but screw them. Take the money you would've spent on a gift for them and get something for yourself. :) I agree, I would've been slightly offended as well, but don't lose any sleep over it.
Lynsey

If it were me, I wouldn't care. If I noticed, I'd get over it quickly...

Legally, you are not related to your husband's wife's mother! But neither are your husband's parents.That being said, maybe his parents are actually not being invited because they are related/family, but because they are friends.

Yes, I think you are being a little overly sensitive.

You sound like me. I love a party.

yes you should have been invited but think about its 1 less gift to buy
go out by yourselves and enjoy