Why Do You Think We Hate Our Mil's So Much

I don't hate my MIL. But she isn't my dearest friend either. In my case, I think that she (and my husband's family as a whole) is just so different form what I grew up with in my family that I can't relate to her. We are just very different people.

Also, we don't have the issue of trying to take over anything... in fact quite the opposite. She's just not really involved at all. I've mostly come to the conclusion that they are her issues and that she is missing out on the lives of her only grandchildren, but that is her choice and I can't take it personally.

I love my MIL. It's the Step MIL that partially raised my hubby that I can't stand.
I accepted the fact that we only needed to tolerate each other, but she insists on wanting to be my best friend.

To answer the question, with her, I think it is a control thing. They lose control when the son leaves. They have trouble giving control to a new family....or to the wife.

I love my MIL. And my FlL. They are awesome and are very supportive. They also live less than 5 miles away. Almost every weekend they take my 20 month old son (their only grandchild) for at least one overnight. They also watch him for me or when I need a break because Im 33 weeks pregnant with #2. They spoil me and my son and treat me like Im their daughter. I dont associate with my parents so its nice to have another st of them that are awesome and better than my blood relatives. EVer since day one they have been there. My DH and I were only dating for 2 months when I ended up pregnant. But that didnt matter to them, they were so happy they were going to have a grandchild. I have never had one fight or argument with my MIL and I have never been mad at her either. I dont see why everyone has to complain about theirs or act like their so bad. There are probably difficult ones sometimes but there is no reason why DIL and MIL's cant get along

I just get tired of always having to be the one that has to take the high road. My MIL is allowed to do, say, demand and act however she wants. Yet if it bothers me, I am the one with the problem. It's always up to me to compromise, she never has to.

Why is it that she has an opinion on everything that I am expected to follow (especially when it come to my kids), but MY MOTHER is supportive and only gives her opinion when I ask?

I think it comes down to respect in most cases. My MIL expects it, but I have none for her. She has done absolutely nothing to deserve my respect, but yet I am doing everything I can to keep the peace for "the sake of the family". I'm tired. Life is too short.

So after years of putting up with her poor, passive aggressive and negative attitude, I've decided to just tune her out. If the phone rings, hubby gets it. I am civil during holidays and when I see her, but I don't engage in any further conversation, because it will never go well and I'm doing it all wrong according her.

If you love your MIL, that's just swell. But keep in mind that just because she gave birth to the person that I married doesn't mean that that makes her a wonderful person. She can take credit for the boy- I'll take credit for the man.

I hope you are finding the answers you are looking for, and I hope these posts give insight to all of us regarding why we love or don't love our MIL.

I am sorry that it bothers some of you and think we are just shrews. I beg you to skip our posts, because you have no idea how painful it is for us and this may be the only place we can be honest about our feelings. After 27 years of marriage, I finally had it and I would not and could no longer watch my MIL treat my family the way she does. I encourage my husband and daughter to spend as much time as they like with he, but I do not ..

I do not hate anyone, but I cannot respect or forgive her for the way she treats her son , my husband. She actually told him in a therapy session she "cannot help loving her daughter more than him". Who would do this?

Her daughter laughs at her mother. She uses her and then does not show appreciation. For family events, her daughter will not help plan, shows up late or cancels. But she is over at HER inlaws.. they have buckets of money..

My husband is the sweetest kindest person on the face of the earth. He is totally devoted to me and she hates it. Once our child was born after we had been married 10 years, she began an annual ritual of telling me to my face as I held her grandchild, she "would not be doing anything for Christmas because NO ONE was going to be in town".. Mind you , we spent every Christmas in town, it was my SIL and her new husband going out of state for Christmas with his family..

My husband actually helped care for his grandfather , her father, for a year, by spending 3 nights a week for over a year, so that grandfather could stay in his own home and not have to pay a care giver. This is nothing compared to the other things we have both done for "Her family" We did this because we wanted to and felt it was an honor.

But the final straw was after all of the years our daughter was in school (we all live in the same town 15 to 20 minutes from each other) she NEVER attended any event for our daughter.. Our daughter was an amazing student, involved in all sorts of activities..MIL always had an excuses, I forgot, I got the date wrong, I had to go out of town, oh did you tell me about that?.. (I always had documentation) . And yet, MIL attended and still attends all sort of things for her grandsons, her daughter children and always shared how proud she was of them. .

Our daughter applied and was accepted to 9 different top tier colleges and was accepted to ALL of them.. MIL took it personally that daughter did not apply to more than 1 college in Texas.. She did everything to discourage daughter about it.. She even screamed at me in public in front of strangers, that it was all my fault and I should not have allowed it.. ?? I reminded MIL at that moment, everybody that knew our daughter knew that since the age of 3, she has always said she "wanted to go to college where it snows".. MIL admitted she had never heard this.. Give me a break..Our daughter first said this at the table at MIL house and we all gasped, it was so profound from a 3 year old.. Of course we spoke about it all of the time..

So, basically, some of these posts made me SO ANGRY! Excuse me for having abusive, manipulative, controlling, hateful in laws!
Bashing? What you all read on here is NOTHING compared to what some of us ladies have to endure for the "sake of family".
As for FIL's not being the problem? Mine is horrible. We are considering moving to another state so they have less opportunities to harm our family.

The rest of you can save your judgement, we certainly don't need anymore than what our in laws dish out.
Carol, if you are tired of inlaw bashing, then don't read those posts. Some people here have NO WHERE else to go for help and they are suffering.

Hi,
I don't think people who have a ok/good/or great relationship with their In-laws can even being to understand what it is like to have a poor or bad relationship. It is viewed as bashing or complaining or feeling threatened. There is a group of us that will never be able to explain the type of disrespect we receive or the hatered we put up with because we love our husbands and our children. "For the Sake of our Family" we have to deal with others telling us it can't be that bad or we need to just find a way to get along.
Please beleive me when I say venting to our on-line support community is our only way to "deal". Joking about buying a bottle of wine to sip out of for the weekend or hoping they only stay a short while or not at all is a way to cope. Some In-Laws are not nice no matter what you do or say! We are not crazy or selfish Daughters-In-Law were are just people trying to hold or families together with a little self preservation!

My MIL stole an old credit card number of my husbands, racked up a bunch of bills thru the home shopping network, put a couple of house payments on it and then decided to quit making the payment. Right after we got engaged he applied for a credit card with a 0% interest and was denied. We checked into his credit report, found this "blemish" that he knew nothing about, he confronted her (apparently the women in her family have always had this problem, although I didn't know it at the time), she adamantly denied it until he got really ugly with her, she then admitted it. I haven't liked her ever since and although he has forgiven her and she is in our lives and our children's lives, I just haven't been able to shake the ill will I have toward her for that. She's a snake. What mother does something like that to her own child?? I'll never trust her and I'll never allow her to be in our house alone. So that's my mil story. Ugh. Thanks for asking as I've been sworn to secrecy by my husband and never get to vent about this. I love this site. LOL

My MIL is wonderful and I love her. Yes, she has her faults but no more than my own mother. She also lives n MN and I in VA. We see her maybe once a year. She is a good MIL, and so is my FIL.

My sister's MIL and FIL cut her out of all the family photos in the house. Today is sis's 20th wedding anniversary, you'd think the MIL would get the hint that my sister is around for good. Her MIL is evil. It's hard to watch, but she is evil to her son too, Sis has mom and dad and has basically written off the inlaws.

I pray that when my boys find a girl they want to marry I can be the MIL that mine is, and my daughter's in law want me to be a part of their lives. It is up to us as the next generation of MILs to make a better name for them. That way our own daughter's in law are not online bashing us.

i dislike (not hate) my mil and my fil for these reasons (we live with them but are moving out of state in feb next year.)

1. over bearing with my 3 year old child.
2. they give my child candy/junk food even after i say no
3. tell us that we are bad parents.
4. they demand that we let them take our daughter whenever they please.
5. they think we parent bad because its not the way they do it.
6. if something goes wrong in the house its mine or my husbands fault.
7. they cause my husband and i to fight.
8. they tell us that we are so unwelcome in their home.
9. treat us like we are children not adults.
10. caught my mil having my daughter call her mom (big issue for me)
11. making my daughter dependant in them not us
12. tells us that our displinary actions are to harsh (time outs and sometimes a swat).
13. enables my husband to not help with parenting
14. they have perfect parent syndrome
15. mil extremely favors her younger son compared to my husband.
16. both smoke (fil is heavy smoker) and insist on holding my asthmatic daughter even when shes sick and weezey and asked not to handle them.
17. mil is just plain rude to my family and talks to them like they are children.
18. they complain about not having money but buy my daughter food, cereal, toys when they go shopping when we provide for our own family there.
19. its their way or nothing.
20. they lie.
21. they encourage my 3 year old to watch tv all day and seem mad when i tell her to play with her toys.

theres so many more i can put down. they are now mad that we are moving out of state because she can now no longer keep us under her thumb

I do not hate my MIL2B. My situation is more of annoyance with her side of my SO's family. My FIL2B isn't bad, but we are not around him much. He does have some annoying traits, but he was the first of my SO's entire family to approve of me. He actually told my SO that if he lets me get away that he is stupid. :-) By the MIL2B's family, I have been told that if I don't take good care of my child that they will take her from me. I have also been told I should give up being a SAHM and find work so they could babysit. I have also witnessed first hand that they don't think things through a lot. Then it ends up with near disastrous results. For ex: leaving safety gates down and me finding my child at the top of the basement stairs...one of their animals almost dying from poison...don't need to go on.
Basically, I limit my visitation to their house unless my SO is willing to go with me. If my SO is willing, I encourage him to take our dd to visit them alone too. I don't restrict them from visiting OUR house at all, but they rarely come over even though they live 5 minutes away. Strange...it makes me wonder if I should actually marry into that family at times. LOL.
Here is the funny side...my mother's relationship with my SO. He loves her. He calls her mom and has even said that he wouldn't mind if she lived with us if we found a big enough place so we wouldn't trip all over each other. It is just amazing to me the differences in people. I don't think it is MILs in general. I think it is that women have a harder time getting along with other women, especially if all of them are strong-willed and like to be in control. Good post!

I "do" hate my MIL... She is to opinionated, EXTREMELY selfish, and uses people... We "financially" took care of her for 8.5 years (long story) and even loaned her money to buy a car (that she now refuses to pay us back).. She just took took took and tried to turn my mother and I against each other... Since we stopped talking to her (in June) she has become friends with my husbands ex-fiance', so it just goes to show what type of woman my MIL is...
That's a VERY short story about my MIL :0)

PS I love my FIL.. My MIL and FIL are divorced.. My FIL is very easy going, doesn't butt into our business and is always there for us...

I don't have a problem with my FIL because he's everything opposite of the MIL. :)
( they are divorced ) My MIL is nosy, highly lacks social skills, intrusive, manipulative, and just overall toxic. Her own son can only be around her a few hours every few weeks. Its that bad. When he does have to see her, his whole mood changes prior to the visit. He's grouchy and short tempered. Its only when he has to visit with her.
I refuse to be around her. We do not have any type of relationship, I cannot let her suck the life out of me. Its unfortunate but thats life I suppose.

Hmmm...MILs....I don't know...I don't have one. She died before I even met my husband. I never had the chance to meet her. I have never been able to tell her what an amazing son she raised. I never got to thank her for her influence on how wonderful of a father he is to our children. I never got the opportunity to sit down with her and hear stories about when my husband was younger. I never got to hear the words "welcome to the family". I have never had the chance to bond and connect with another woman whose mere existence enhanced my own.

My children have never had the opportunity to go over to grandma's house or open a gift from her, or get a hug from her. My children will never know what her mother (their great grandmother) was like. They will never know if they have any of her traits, her habits or her quirks. My daughters and I will never know or experience any of this. And my husband, well never got the opportunity to introduce the love of his life to his mom. He never got to share his children with the woman that gave him life. He never got the chance to show his mother what a wonderful father he is because of her. He never gets the opportunity to visit, to chat or to hug.

All the "bashing posts" of late...not too sure what the problem is. I would LOVE to have their "problems". I am sure my husband would too.

B.
Family Success Coach

My first MIL was wonderful. We remained friends over the years (my daughter was her first grandchild). When she passed away in August 2009 all 3 ex wives attended the funeral. We remain family because of the children.

I get tired of the IL bashing. You married not just your spouse, but his family too. Accept it, deal with, and move on. Life is too short.

I think hate is a strong word. I certainly don't hate mine, but we have had our issues and most of them have been since I've had children and they are mostly related to safety issues with my kids (dropping medication on the floor and leaving it there when my daughter was crawling age, overdosing my daughter on a medication because she "thought she knew the dose" but wasn't sure and didn't call me to confirm, and now....playing favorites to my oldest because she was the first grandchild). My MIL just lacks common sense and she likes to play the victim and lay on the guilt trip for everything. Most things I just ignore, but the things that affect the well being of my own children need to be addressed. We are two totally different personalities and I know that she probably wishes her son had married someone different, but I know HE loves me for who I am and that's all that matters. My MIL was just here for a visit this week and it went fine. Not stellar, but fine and I've learned to laugh at a lot of her weird habits instead of letting them get to me. I've battled cancer this year and it has taught me that there are more important things in life than wasting your energy on the crazy in-laws! :-)

EDITED TO ADD: Reading through these posts has made me appreciate my MIL more and more. She isn't malicious, she just has no common sense and lives in her own world. She is also pretty insecure and needs a lot of reassurance, but she has never done anything just to spite me, so again, I don't hate her....just annoyed by some quirky things she does. Oh, and as someone else mentioned, my mom is just as quirky, just in different ways!

i never hated my MIL, even when she would TELL ME what I am supposed to do and how I should be a 50s wife. Never bothered me. I wrote it off as crazy. But no hate.
My ill feelings towards her started when she openly expressed dislike for my kids because they have 'foreign' features, and proceeded to say:
all borders should be closed and no foreigner should be allowed in. IN FRONT OF ME.
btw, I am foreign born, not my kids, but I am. and yes they have 'foreign' features because they came out of me. who were they going to look like? neighbors?
that is when I had had it with her.
i was so tired of asking my husband to step in. he wouldn't, he'd say: well, she's loopy. but she's not. she's cunning, she's evil, and well, not worth my time. so i cut off ties. not my husband. but i did. and of course, she shows no interest in my kids. if my husband is on the phone with her and mentions our kdis, she will interrupt him and talk about her other grandkids. and my husband just doesn't get it. he writes it off as 'loopy.' how can a loopy person know how to interrupt you while you're talking about the grandkids she dislikes, and be able to have enough common sense to talk about the grandkids she likes? because she's evil

I have a wonderful mother in law too. She will do anything for us and allows us to be the adults/parents that we are. That said, she can irritate me as well (always well intended) and we have butted heads on occasion so it is not a perfect relationship.

I believe it is because FILs tend to let their wives handle things (sort of like our hubby's do w/ us). MILs tend to forget that their "little boys" have grown up and they are not the "women in their son's life" anymore. They also have trouble adjusting from "mom" to "grandma" and realizing responsibilities are different. In some cases, it may be because the wife is the problem or because women in general can be catty but mostly I think it is MIL is still trying to be in charge (like she was before sons are married) while the wife is trying establish herself as in charge of her family.

Why so many flowers are given to the posts about bad MILs versus those about good MILs in response to this question? I think that is clear bias on the parts of the witchy behavior of wives in regards to the women who bore the men who are now their husbands.

I think that it is the MIL's because the FIL's just don't really get too involved, or if they do, it is directed to their sons, not us. (Like mine.) Plus, we are all asking questions about problems, so you probably won't hear about the wonderful ones....if they exist. :)

Mine is obsessed with the fact that she didn't have a girl, and went on and on about wanting a granddaughter. She also has dementia, and something else that they haven't figured out and she is just so hard to see her and interact with her like that. When she is interacting, it is usually in an odd, teasing (really, just being mean) way to my husband. She harps on and on about things, and never really got to know my husband and his brother when they were growing up. It seems to be a really superficial relationship. She clucks at our children instead of talking to them, and everything with her is always about HER. She even chose her grandma name, Mimi, because "it is all about ME, ME."

I think that we, as wives and moms, feel that this is our time. They have had their time, and we don't want that taken away from us. For example, mother's day is for me, she has already had 40 years of it. Christmas is about the kids, not everything being at their house, etc. They are so used to controlling everything, I think that they have a hard time letting go. God, I hope I'm not like that to my future daughter in law!!

I LOVE my MIL! (of course she lives in another state, but so does my mom and she's much less judgmental, critical, etc than my own mom) She's the one I turn to if I have a question about something.

I think the holidays coming up is bringing a lot of this out. Everyone is realizing they are going to have to spend time with them soon. I was thinking earlier that I've noticed a lot of MIL posts lately too.

I personally have the greatest MIL in the world. We hit it off from day one. She's a friend and mom to me. I actually told her the other day I haven't gotten enough MIL time lately b/c she's been so busy with work. She jokes with my husband that if he ever leaves me, he'll lose his mom too! LOL. I feel bad for the women who have to deal with B's for MIL's. It must put strain on a marriage. I'm glad to hear your MIL is great too :)

I do not have a mil. She died when my husband was 8, and after a bad second marriage my fil finally admitted he was gay.

I personally HATE both my MIL and my FIL but I hate my FIL more than my MIL: They both have controll issues, and very selfish. She has to me #1 G-ma and #1Mom in our eyes and that makes me made because my mom is here too. She is local and my family is not she does not call or try to see them on her own we always have to call her and invite ourselves over or now since situation has changed. but bad mouth me to the rest of the family that I am difficult to talk to, and that I am keeping her from seeing her G-kids and I won't let her hold the kids, yada yada yada.
OK I don't care who holds them I have scholiosis and it hurts to carry them and that is what they want so by all means take them. Come over when ever you want as long as there is no previous plans. When she comes over we cannot do anything else but visit with her. Example my mom joins in with whatever plans we already had or that comes up. My friends thow parties for their kids my mom comes along (if friend said it was ok) My mom goes with shopping, running erronds, my MIL does not and if even 1 child is not available since I have 3 she will not visit the rest.

My FIL is a conartist, hipocrate, and a bigate. Women are benieth him and cannot tell him anything because we do not know anything and should know are place , YES HE TOLD ME THAT TO MY FACE IN MY KITCHEN!!. He is never there for his son but his son should quit his job and work for him, but then he does not pay him anything for over a month even though my Hubby shows up to work everyday. If my FIL does work around our house per my DH's request it looks like a 2yr old did it. He put up tiles in our tub, they are crooked, and cracked and he left them like that. He critisised us for not going to church every sunday (I am not the same religion as they are . my church only has 1 service that is it 1 on sunday only at 10 am. Their church ofers ervices ever hour and a half. So he tells me I should make the sacrafise and be there, what sacrafise is it to choose a time anywhere in the day for an hour service, it is not like he has to make sure everybody is up ready and there at 10 am every sunday but yet in the same breath he lyes and cheats his customers on a daily basis, oh yeah that makes you a good person. He is 2 faced and everything has to be his way or no way, and did I mention he is smarter than EVERONE else man or women.

I have alot of issues with my In-Laws and it has gotten to the point where my DH and I have been in counsling for years and every counslor we have seem (3) have al stated they are TOXIC and limit your time with them as much as possible.

Why we do not get along I am not sure it just is, not that I have not tried trust me, I have but if I give an inch it is not good enough they want my to give it all, and then that would not be enough they would want more.

I love my MIL, she and my FIL live 10 house from me and my family. My FIL is another story but oh well. My issue is my SIL's, they are horrible. Oh well that is my vent.

I can't speak about MIL because mine is deceased. I never met her but oh the stories I have heard! I have three kids...Two of them boys...My desire is to raise them to be independent and loving respecting and understanding the importance of family. Hopefully, they will remain close to us. I do hope they both meet some well rounded women who they can spend the rest of their lives with and be happy. There has to be good MILs out there??? I don't desire to meddle or interfer but some of my friends who complain about the MIL I think are being a bit extreme in their complaints. I think a healthy MIL will respect boundaries but a DIL should do her best as well to establish and build a relationship. There should never be a power struggle and really when it comes to the holidays unless you live far..far away there should be a fair trade off of where you will celebrate and who you will see especially when grandkids are involved.. Oh how idealistic I probably sound.

I love my MIL. I'd like to trade my mother in. FIL's don't really get involved the same way (LOL).

M.,

I don't think we hate our MIL'S , we may be aggravated, annoyed and at times pissed about their behavior, but, ...... I personally think some women have ' Apron Strings' syndrome (they can't or won't let go of their sons) ,some are just plain ole controlling, some are overconfident- 'Nobody can do as good as they can' kinda thing. And then there are others who were never happy with themselves and misery loves company, so they make you miserable too (if you allow them to). I had a MIL sort of like a combo of a few of those and I made up my mind I wasn't going to let her get to me ,NO MATTER WHAT. I told her in subtle ways what a great job mothering she did ,for instance,: her son is independant, smart, can make his own decisions/ choices ,etc. That's why he chose me for his wife (LOL) and chose to have children with me. I'd also try to turn her negative into a positive. On the other hand, I did have a MIL that was kind, considerate and really treated me like one of her own daughters, unfortunately she passed away before my husband and I were married.
MIL can be intimidating, rude, outspoken ,etc but, I would make it clear there are boundaries ,(lay them out with hubby first) and she may never like you but, she should respect you whether she likes you or not. Reinforce that there is no competition between the two of you . You each have a place in your husband's life. If she has any kind of heart she'll tell you she appreciates you for the things you do for her son and /children. Pray for the ones that don't get it,.... C. S.

My husband always says the Chinese symbol for trouble is 2 women under the same roof and he thinks it applies to MIL's because they are the next best thing to us.

In my first marriage my MIL was a horrid woman. We stayed with her for a short time when we first got married. She would grab the milk glass out of our hands and go wash it, dry it and put it up before we could swallow the milk. She had everything in her house in it's proper place and it was always pristine.

I could not stand her in any way, I always felt like she was trying to make me feel small and insignificant. After I got divorced we actually became friends and I found her to be a wonderful, warm, smart, loving woman who really wanted to just share her experience with me so I wouldn't have to go through the same trials she did. I learned so much from her, her son and I are still good friends,w e have a daughter together and talk nearly weekly. He has several of our grandkids and so do I. we live in different towns but his wife and my husband and everyone all get along just fine.

My husbands mother drove me nuts occasionally but I overcame it,it was really just my issues again. We both loved sewing and several other things. she could get the stain out of anything...she had so many time saving ways to do stuff too. She called it "do it the lazy way".

She would come over to my house occasionally to babysit and she would do my dishes...silly of me to get upset. I saw it as her way of telling me that I was not clean enough, she was just seeing a need and filling it.

She died of liver cancer just a few months after finding out she had it, I miss her terribly and was just today thinking of how much I miss her.

I found both of my MIL's to be warm, loving, kind people who just wanted to share their life with me and help me not have stress and be helpful to me.

My MIL is a pain in the rear. I thank God that she lives so far away that we only see her on occassion. She told me it was my fault my husband cheated, encourages him to continue his activities instread of being involved with our kids. Don't get me wrong, my husband is the perfect (well almost perfect) guy for me, but his mom encourages him to act like a child. And she expects him to wait on her hand and foot. I refuse, he does it, but then complains all day to me about it. Oh, did I mention back in April that she told me I was a bad mom? Oh yea, I have a BIG dislike button for my MIL.