MEN!!!! How to Train Them.... or Just Help Alittle???

I know I'm way late with this one but if he has trouble with something that's not on deadline or appointment, then make what you want of him be on deadline or appointment. It's that simple. I would also sit down with him & see if you can just talk to him & see if he can realize what you do for the house & that just because he works for 3/4 of the year doesn't mean he's excluded for the last 1/4. You aren't why should he be the one on vacation?

A., i guess its the way they were raised. my husband of 4 yrs will do(or have the kids help him) do dishes,laundry,whatever.... he'll even go buy tampons if i need him to(none of my exes would do that) I don't know if you can change him. my husband & i have only one child together..i have 3 from previous relationships but he considers them his own. if he really loves you he would accept them as his own kids too. i hope you find answers that will help you, i know how stressful it can be.

Sounds to me like he has some growing up to do. You should sit down and talk to him about this and let him know the things that you would like him to do to help you out.

Love is more than who is cleaning what. Don't question whether you want to marry him because he is not doing what you want him to do.

I believe we teach people how to treat us. He knows that if he does not do it you will. First, lay down the law. Make a plan with him about who will be responsible for what. Once you both agree-then you stop doing his chores! He will get the picture when things aren't perfect for him. Do your part and leave his. He will do it, but be careful he is not going to want you to tell him when to do it-like the grocerys. So be prepared to offer alternatives for things that involve you and the kids until he gets it together. For example have PB and j on hand to feed the kids when he doesnt go to the store, etc.

He lives with you and your children, he is a part of your family, regardless if you are married yet. Treat him that way by making him do his part!

Good luck.

You're probably going to get about 50 responses to this because sadly, it's a universal problem! I've lived with it for decades and finally did something about it. The thing is, men are of a different mindset, so it's not necessarily that they are being A-holes about it (though it's possible) but the housework isn't very high on their priority list. And, if you are good at it, he sees you as being perfectly capable, and get things done, so why bother. It's also possible that he's unaware of what it takes to run a house so he sees things as the kids do - they happen like magic.

So, before you get married, you two have to have a sit-down and talk about attitudes toward housework. And then decide who is going to do what when he's working, and during the season when he's not. Come to an agreement - and don't let him off the hook b my minimizing the chores he has to do. If he's off work, he should be expected to do whatever work needs to be done during the day. And if he's going to be your child's father, he should be taking care of that child during the day. If you don't think that's his responsibility or you don't want him to do that, or don't trust him to do that, then you need to seriously evaluate whether or not you should marry him. It will cause a serious imbalance and a major strain on your relationship if he doesn't assume the role of father.

One of the best marriages I know of - a second marriage - before they married they sat down and talked about the housework. She asked him what he hated doing most, and he said emptying the dishwasher. He asked her what she hated doing most and she said taking out the trash. So, they agreed that he never had to empty the dishwasher and she never had to take out the trash. The rest, they divided up (because both work full time).

The other part of this whole housework thing is a man's sense of worth - something he has trouble getting from housework - I guess because it's not paid work. But men do like to make their wives happy. So, I've found that when I come off as being pleased with something my husband has done, it motivates him to do more. I do get annoyed when he beams that he's washed the dishes and wants acknowledgement of it (when I don't expect kudo for the same job) but that's what he needs, so whatever.

My last point is, you have two boys and they will grow up to act just like their father figure. So if they see that their step dad doesn't help you out, they won't think they have to either. Then you'll have a real monster on your hands. Nip this in the bud!

If you have to change a man in any way to fit you, he is NOT the one for you.

You wrote that you were planning on getting married. If that is the case, you should not have to ask him to help you take care of your kids. Marrying you is a package deal, A., and he should already be aware of that and assist in helping. Especially if he is living with you.

He sounds immature and irresponsible. He should also be working during the winter months, not taking off, if he cannot help with the kids, house, etc.

Move on, A.. Remember the big question...are you better off with him or without him?

A.,

My hubby and I went through this too. It's normal or so I like to think. In the end what has worked for us is that we found there are things he likes to do and doesn't. Me too. I can not for the life of me remember to feed ALL the animals. He's good at that...so that is his responsibility. Only becomes mine when he's out of town. The kids...we both work from home so he has morning duty while I am on the phone and I have afternoon duty. Dishes...I do them he cleans the bathroom. You have to find what works for both of you. If he's not willing to do any of it...then it may be time to re-think your relationship.

Hang in there...also one thing I did was to create the list (as you did) however I also said these need to be completed by such and such date or time. My husband works at a SLOW pace and I've learned that if I tell him when I expect it to be done...it gets done fairly close to that time. If I say can you make lunch for the kids...he will wait until he's hungy but if I say can you make lunch at 12:30 for the kids he will do it then.
Hope this helps.

Think about this before you get married to this man.I have 2 kids and 1 on the way been with thier dad for 9 yrs 3 yrs of mariage he is a hard working back breaking hard worker doesn't mind working in rain snow heat etc as long as he gets what needs to get done done and brings home the money.This goes for home to he is hardly ever inside he is working on the house or making our furniture he loves to build things from scratch(this would make very good income) but refuses to do it.Anyway when I need help around the house I leave the dishes in the sink usually for a few days and he does them because there are days where I go and go and he doesn't help me hes doing his work else where but it is needed inside the home to.Just recently I have came to the conclsuion that he can care for his children as much as I can and I will need extra help after baby.I have rarely left them home with him this is for everything except Drs appt for myself.So my advice to you is ignore what he's not doing don't do it yourself take care of your kids feed them make enough dinner for you guys and when he decides to get off his lazy rump and help out then feed him.This will take practice and getting used to a messy home for a few weeks maybe but it'll help and by the way no clean undies for him either this will really Tick him off!!

Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this? There are some men that will respond to the wife/mom going on strike, but there are also a large number who truly don't care. They figure that you've put up with it this long and they haven't had to do anything, why start now? You have to ask yourself honestly do you believe that he will change? Look at his past behavior - it's a pretty good indicator of what the future will hold. Is this want you want for you and your boys' lives?

yeah.....when you find out how to do this, let me know. and then write a book. but seriously, i hae to tell my husband very specifically what i want done, any way shape or form. this includes WHICH EXACT groceries to buy, clothes to wash, etc. and if he refuses to help out for whatever reason (short of a sh**ty day with the kids, i totally get that) i go on strike. i do stuff for me and the kids only. only our clothes, food, dishes, etc. it's very effective...i havne't had to do this in appr 4 years because it worked so well. when they get to the point of eating cereal out of frying pans they usually come around. :) good luck!

A., A.,
You are 24, I'm 62, you need to fix this before you get married or you will have 2 full time jobs the rest of your life. We might have to go private on this, but I'll try to condense it down to a manageable length.
It sounds like maybe he was raised by a Mother who might have been a stay at home Mom. If the man can afford to provide for his family without the woman working then she should do most of the home and family maintenance because that is her job.
However, in your case this does not apply. You need to do a serious heart to heart talk with him. If he is home and you are working he is Mr. Mom! He needs to wash the dishes, clean, wash clothes, etc. It is a 50 - 50 sharing of the work needed at home when you are both working. You can even assign tasks. For example my husband of 39 years cooks and does the laundry. We put clothes that need ironing in the cleaners.
Go to web sites like the National Organization for Women (NOW.org) to help you learn the language of women's Issues.
Men have been raised and socialized to treat women as second class citizens (their slaves/housekeepers) and your generation needs to correct this myth!!!

A., one thing I've learned in my years is never to give advice. Why? Because most people can't see the picture they are in as clearly as other's experienced eyes see looking at it. You don't know me from adam; or any of us for that matter; and we don't know you. In addition, we all like to think that our 'situation' is unique or our feelings are special. The truth is we're all not that different from one another. The signs aren't that different, the situation isn't all that different from what we've seen in our lives. But sometimes I think, maybe this time? I just haven't been able to forget your request and so I want to say something especially since you have two children: Move on, dear, while you can and before you get married when it's trickier to get out. He's still too 'young', not mature enough for where you are in your life. It's nice to have someone in your life, someone to share things with -but it shouldn't be at such a high cost to you or your kids! You will have much happiness in your life. Just slow down, be a mom and let the strong, mature man in your future find you and willingly commit to you and your children. You deserve no less and neither do your children. And remember, life is about the decisions we make -feelings come and feelings go, girl -the good ones and the bad ones. The only thing we can count on are our decisions based on our needs and what we want out of life. Real love is a decision-not a feeling. And, the truth is, you can't change people. The truth is, people will change on their own if they see that it's worth their effort. In relationships -actions ALWAYS speak louder than words. Men can't help themselves. No offense, but I think your man is more concerned about himself than the bigger picture right now. You will not change that. I think the hardest part in relationships is realizing that the person doesn't really think that we're worth the effort. It's tough. Really tough. I wish you all the best no matter what you decide. Hang in there. No relationship is easy even in the best of circumstances; it's better to have one that doesn't start out with the cards against you.

I think what we have here is a failure to communicate. I like that quote, it comes from a good movie but it says so much.

What we have is what most mixed families have. The kids are yours, not his, so you think he has no responsibility toward them. If you think that he must as well. By taking all of the responsibility for the kids, you then take on most of the household duties. Cooking, cleaning. laundry, shopping, it is a lot more for 4 peopel than it would be for only 2. You are sending him mixed messages.

First of all if you are going to marry him, if you are living in the same house as he is, you have created a step father situation. That means he takes on the role of father, while the kids are living there. Even if their father is in their lives, he is there day after day and will have a large influence in their lives. Do you plan on marrying your finances? Well if you do his money will be used along with yours for the household, he needs to get used to the idea that he is creating a family.

Along with creating a family you both will need to make some changes. He will need to step up to the plate and watch the kids when he can. If he is unwilling, why are marrying him??? He will need to understand that the household does not run itself and that he needs to contribute more than just finances.

This is a step family situation with out the liscens, if it is going to work you need to sit down and discuss his role. Be careful though, you can not ask him to give unless you are willing give as well. If he watches the kids are you willing to let him take the role of parent, discipline included, if not then why are you marrying him???

Giving him list of chores to do, that is more like his mother telling him to have the lawn mowed before she gets home from work. You said they were suggestions, he probably took you at your word. If you can not communicate in this way, if you are unable to voice what your needs are, why are you marrying him???

On the other hand. If he has never seen the need to get involved because you have always done it, why should he see it any different now. I disagree that people dont change. They can and they do if they really want to. Communicate with him, dont nag him, but really tell him what you need. Work with him not against him, give as much as you get. Then ask yourself if you want to marry him.

I speak from experience on this one. A man marrying a woman with kids does not always understand the amount of work involved in running a household. He does not always understand what she needs. Communication will solve that problem, make it good communuication, not finger pointing, not lists but talking and sharing.

Good luck to you and your family!

training men what a joke , if u think he is bad now wait till u r married , they don't get better after marriage , best thing u can do is talk about it with him and let him know what u would like of him , if he does not do it , why marry him plus if u marry him and have more kids just think what u will be like later , u should not have lived with first any way it is not what god would have u do , good luck

You can't "train" men. You can't change other people. I would strongly encourage you not to marry this man since you do not seem to like many things about him, and you will just nag him until he divorces you. That will be even worse for your kids than the fact that they don't have their dad around now.

I don't have much advice, just sympathy. I live the same only we have 1 child together (I have one previously also).
He only contributes x amount of dollars to the bills as if I can tell the companies sorry, but this is all you are going to get. He does not lift a finger , but he does do HIS OWN laundry. He will not clean up any messes made by the kids (the youngest is ours - 8 yrs old with dyslexia & ADD, so messes/disorganization still happen alot). All I can say is if I didn't have a kid with this person he would be out quicker than I could say it - I've went that route & he actually refuses to leave (it's MY house) & I feel sorry for our son so I let it go.
I can understand how you probably need the financial help & you probably love him in many other ways, though. So maybe start small with asking for help with just one or two easy things & tell him how much of a difference it made in your day & how now you have more time to spend with him & the kids, etc. Hopefully he's kind hearted & this will work.

Good Morning A.. Hum Are you very sure you want to marry a fella who hasn't grown up enough yet to accept some responsibility's? There is more to a relationship then bringing home a pay check.

Maybe its past time to have a heart to heart about partnership, but it's better late then never. He has to know what you might expect of him to help out, not just suggestions to get through His Boredom.

When he is off work, he can take out the trash.
He can pick up and dust or vac. He can throw in laundry when needed. Even dry it, fold it and put it away. He could even start dinner or at least have something out to prepare.

Then when you are Both working at the same time you can divide up the duties or chores.

If you don't get some open communication about responsibility going A., you will be angry for a very long time. And it's not worth it.

I have been married to my HS sweety for 37 yrs. I have always had the pleasure of working only if and when I wanted to. If I wanted to do something I cleaned houses for others or I did new construction cleaning.
If at any time I didn't get laundry going or dishes cleaned up my hubby would help out in the evenings when he came home from a full day. I used to feel bad he did that, but I have learned it wasn't something he felt he had to do but was something he enjoyed doing. We raised two son's and I home schooled then from 6th & 8th grade through HS.

Boys are grown with kids of their own and I keep the two youngest daily. Guess what Papa still helps out in the evenings and weekends. I can count probably on one hand the times I have actually had to ask for help.

A Lot of men think the house is the soul property of the woman, so they do nothing ( I'm not a Mr MOM ). Oh they probably mow or do yard work. But there is more to it then that. So A. unless you want to continue on the way things are, you will need to let him Know NOW what it is you need him to help out with and don't make it a suggestion.

Good Luck to you, some of us are blessed, other have to help find that blessing.

All else fails Get a Whip & a Chair.....lol Tame that Lion.
Or Put him in time out ;)
God Bless
K. Nana of 5

This man is not ready for marriage. I don't think he will be until he decides to change. I don't think there's anything you can do to change him. I'm especially concerned about his attitude about the kids. Regardless of who the "real" parents are, kids need care, and I would expect any adult in the house to be willing to participate.

I was in lots of unhappy relationships before I met my husband. What is different about our relationship is that we both appreciate each other so much that we want to do more to help and support each other. We don't keep track of who does what and how much, mostly we just try to do our best for each other. So when things don't get done, it's a reason for sympathy rather than dissatisfaction. But, this kind of marriage can only work if it is mutual and with complete commitment. And a huge amount of trust. You don't have that with this man. I don't know how to get it. For me it was a combination of finding a man who was THAT GOOD, and willingness to work hard on my own issues.

Hope you find something useful in here.

Well, there are two schools of thought in my family, handed down from my grandma:
1: the only difference between men and boys is the price of their toys. ;)
2. testosterone poisoning. congenital disorder, no treatment, no cure. terminal condition. :D

You two need to have a little 'sit down' and discuss what you'd like to share as far as chores. the two of you decide what 'belongs to him' and what 'belongs to you'. for example, while he's laid off, he will be responsible for all shopping, or all outside errands, etc. divide and conquer. it cannot be an order. it must be 'his idea'. but expect there to be days when he doesn't get anything done because he is with friends. we do the same thing, ya know! ;)

good luck, sweetie! He sounds like a pretty good catch otherwise!

deb

A.,
Welcome to MEN!!!!
We all hope that typing this out helped. Sometimes the only thing to do is tell your girlfriends. We understand and have all been there.
Good luck!!

I am twice your age and here to tell you he probably won't change and you will always be frustrated unless you don't mind living this way. Think long and hard before you marry. Perhaps you want to look for a guy who has a different work ethic, someone who doesn't like to sit still and always wants to improve things. Wonder if the friend he is hanging out with have families or are just party guys. Perhaps you need someone with a different type of steady work. Suggestion before you marry... Someone once told me to think if I would be better off with or without him especially when you are always stressed out and doing things yourself. Something to think about as you already seem to have marriage doubts and he is not your children's father. Once you marry and have your own kids it is too hard to leave.

I feel your pain... MEN anyway it is what it is. If you already spoke to him about this and he still does not do what is neede to be done, then you need plan B. okay not sure what that would be but, I would suggest you tell him how you feel, that the work in the house is not " womens work" it is called a joint effort, and there is more to a relationship then the perks. Tell him if he choooses to be selfish so shall you, tell him to do hi sown laundry, cooking, dishes and cleaning up after him, that you will become roommates only. LOL and sont do those things for him. its like I bring you a cup of coffee in the morning and you bring me a glass of wine at nite. Give some Get some. Well good luck....

Hi A.. Sorry to hear of your frustration. I'm sure all moms feel that to some extent--men just don't jump in and DO the same way that we do.

However, I'm here to say there are men who will be a partner to you with running the house. There is no way I could do it without my wonderful husband and we both work. You can modify behavior, but you can't change a person--hold out for a true partner, would be my advice.

What you see is what you get. You can't marry someone with your eyes wide open and then complain about it even more once you have the ring. In my option, ditch the boyfriend and concentrate solely on raising your 2 boys!

well after reading that, I really have an awesome hubby. He works 40+ hours a week sometimes 7 days a week and still helps around the house and helps with the kids and helped out a lot when the kids were little. Now that they are older they do a lot of the chores and he doesn't have that much to do around the house but he will still do some grocery shopping, run errands and other things around the house if I am having a hard time getting it all done in my limited time. We all work together and seems to work well so we don't have everything to do on the weekends.
your boys are old enough to help out some too. Your 6 year old can start taking out the trash, carry laundry to the laundry room, pick up toys, and probably vacuum if your vacuum isn't real heavy to push, put his clothes away. The 3 year old can pick up toys.
Sounds like he isn't mature enough to take on the responsibilities of raising a family. I wonder if making him a list of things to do would help or if he would be offended and think you were treating him like a child. You definately need to communicate about this and let him know how you feel and that even when he is working, that you both work and the housework needs to be shared by everyone in the house and as the kids get older they need to learn to take on more to help out. When everyone helps out there isn't a lot to keep up with and no one gets overwhelmed.

I am going to play devils advocate here. If he works hard enough during the summer to have the winter off they he may deserve a bit of slacking. The only problem I can see with his behavior was telling you he would do something and not following through. Perhaps instead of jumping him just address this one point. Point out that you count on him to do things he promises. That if he doesn't then you have to adjust your schedule and at a point where there is little flexibility left in the day. You can always try I was hoping to have a nice dinner and spend time with you relaxing. There are a mess of ways you can manipulate men. You just can't present things like a women. They always resist that.

Hi A.! I think you'll just have to talk to him about your frustrations and let him know what's bugging you. Just don't do it in an angry way, that will only make him defensive. Just let him know how it's making you feel when he does, or doesn't do, these things. Also, I have a "work at home" business that I would love to talk to you about. Maybe if you could stay home it would resolve some of this also. Just a thought. Let me know if you'd like the details! Good luck!

Renee K has the best advice. You really need to talk this out before your relationship goes any further. He's really put in the position of being a father figure & if you don't want your boys to be the same way, you really have to stop this behavior now. It's always best to approach these things with a cool head, so when you get frustrated about what's not done, do go for a walk or something to put you in a better mood. When dealing with this subject it's best to be calm about it because they really don't hold housework high on the priority list. It's just one of those male things that I'll never understand, but if you help him understand, you'll feel so much better.

Good luck!

YOU DON'T.They don't change.You just have to decide if it's something you want to live with the rest of your life.We have been married coming up on ten years next month and nothing I try has ever helped!They do things when they want to and that's it!There are a few men that are good at helping out.My Cousin does all the cooking,cleaning,etc...In fact when she was off of work and he worked alot he would still come home and cook and clean.I think it must be the way they are raised.I know my husband had a very messy room when he was a teenager and NO chores!

I started to respond on Friday, but ran out of time, so I'm just now responding. If you really want a relationship between the two of you to work out, then you need to treat him with respect. Please don't do what most women love to do and bash your man. I don't know why it's become so popular to talk bad about the person you supposedly love, but sooo many women love to "hate" their men. It's almost as if it's become cool to talk down to their men. I'm glad to see your follow up where you acknowledge the good things he does. If you spend all your time concentrating on the things that irk you, then you will have a very stressful relationship. So what if he didn't get his pants bought, isn't that his problem to worry about? And maybe he was being polite and wanted to see what you wanted for dinner or wanted to decide together. These are very little things to be worrying about and women for some reason LOVE to make bigger issues than neccessary. Is it really the end of world if you decide to watch a movie together before doing the dishes. I'm not sure why so many women think they rule the house and what they say goes(a controll issue perhaps), but if you continue to do this then you'll only end up unhappy.
My husband and I never talk bad to each other or about each other to others. We understand the importance of respect in a marriage, and would never dream of disrespecting each other that way. I promise you, if you do this then you'll have a happy relationship. I really belive the main thing in relationships nowdays that's missing is respect. You can only change how you act and react in situations, but if you change yourself, then more than likely he'll change also. Good luck!! :0)