Motivating Men to Clean

Try not to stress, but you can't teach and old dog new tricks. This behavior doesn't sound uncommon for a man. They don't nest like we do or put too much stock in tidiness and such (well some do, but it sounds like you have one that doesn't and I'm in the same boat). With him working in construction he is probably tired of physical labor and not up for it at home. I doubt you will be able to change him, so decide if you can live with it or not and then proceed.

K.,
I have been married for 15 years to a man that has never willingly done much around the house. He was raised not having to do chores because his mom did everything. Even though he realizes that the woman shouldn't carry this burden he doesn't initiate any help and when I ask for help he gets annoyed. I do it all...laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, yard work, etc. I often ask for his help, but very rarely get it. We've tried charts and lists, but nothing has worked. He just puts things off and says he'll do it the next day which never happens. When we discuss it he acknowleges that he should help, but there is no follow through. If I get upset he just goes into another room and says he doesn't want to talk about it. For several weeks I stopped doing it all and my house was a nightmare. I stopped picking up all the things he left around the house and doing all the daily chores. My floor was covered in dog hair, the sinks where filled with dirty dishes, laundry piled up, and we had no food in the house. Still no help from him. It didn't seem to bother him much at all. His solution was to go out to eat for every meal since there was no food and no clean place to eat!!

My point is, carefully examine your situation. Most likely he will not change. It sounds like he doesn't mind living in a dirty house and doesn't feel any obligation to clean so you will always be the one to do it all...always!! It is horribly frustrating and I hope you will really think long and hard about what you're settling for. Most likely you will continue to deal with it all yourself and stress yourself out over it all. It's unfair to you and very inconsiderate of him. Just last night my husband sat down on the couch and read a book while I fixed dinner, helped the kids with their homework, and then cleaned the kitchen. When I asked if he could quiz one of the kids for a test she had the next day he did, but you could tell it wasn't what he wanted to do and the point is I had to ASK in the first place. I always have to ask which makes me feel like a nag. It amazes me that he can see me in the kitchen doing dishes and talking to both kids about their homework and he can sit on the couch and read a book. UGHH!

I hope everything went well with the ECI visit! Good luck to you and your son!

People don't change--the biggest change they will make is from coke to diet coke. If he is not helping now, he won't later--make sure this is ok with you before you guys get married.
Personally, I work full-time, my husband has 1 full time job and a part-time job. I was trying to keep the house clean but ended up spending a lot of time cleaning at night and by the time I finished with dinner, dishes, kids homework and whatever chore I had that night--I didn't have time to hang out with my girls. I was so stressed. And like you I'm not a neat freak--things can get messy during the week but I don't like things to be "dirty". We hired a cleaning person to come every 2 weeks. She charges me $75 each time and it is such a stress reliever. I still have to do the regular maintenance of keeping house, but I don't have to worry about the blinds, bathrooms, dusting etc. It makes for a much nicer mommy and wife on my part.

Do not fall into the old trap of trying to change someone....he was like this when you met and he has been like this since living together. He is not likely to change.

How did his Mother run her home? Did your fiance go from his Mother's house to your house? If so, he's never had to be responsible and most likely won't be responsible.

The rule is our house is if it bothers you take care of it without comments, questions, etc.

You could hire a housekeeper from time to time and once that money cuts into the entertainment budget he might reassess his thinking on the subject.

Remember this is the man you are going to marry in a month. You know him and you know what he is like and will do and won't do. Apparently cleaning isn't one of them. My husband will mow the yard, fix a few things and that is about it. He never picks up after himself and many years ago I just decided that I could not depend on him to help in almost anyway and I could only depend on myself to get things done. There are times he will get up and help which is rare but much appreciated when he does. I know it sounds like we are not working together but you know, we are. I know him and how he is and I love him for who he is and I have accepted that. It is much easier than constantly fighting over these issues. And besides half the time when he does help I am going back over it as he doesn't do it like I want it done. I know it is hard on you but just take a deep breath and ask yourself before you marry him, is how he is OK with you? If so then don't nag, just ask him once and maybe a second time and after that just do it yourself. Will this teach him? Maybe but probably not. Men for some reason think cleaning is not their job for some reason. He may come around but if he doesn't please don't let it destroy your marriage. Woman are the more organized ones anyway. Good Luck to you.

Hi K.
you did not mention his age- but it appears you are both very young. Unless he had a mom who enlisted his help you are on an uphill battle for the time being.
Try this- instead of leaving him a list- make your list, go over it together and ask him which one of the chores he would like to help with. Give him a choice instead of you making the choice for him. It is a man thing- they just do not see things like we do- remember Men are from Mars lol- then proitize your list- do the most important things first- other things can go to the bottom of the list- and if there is time then they can get done. I am sure your Eci is not going to inspect your home- from room to room- just be sure your bathroom, kitchen and the room where they will be is clean and neat.
It takes a long time for men to "grow" into helping around the house very much- just remember to chose your battles carefully........he will come around. I have been married to the same man for over 43 years and still have some of the same issues- letting him make the choices will make him more willing.
good luck and blessings

Try to find out what motivates him. My husband of 13 years is very cheap and will do just about anything to save a buck. I leave a sticky note on the bathroom mirror with a list of what needs to be done. I also give him a reasonable deadline in which to have the work done. If the work is not done by that date, then I tell him I will pay to have someone else do the work. That is what works for him. He'll do just about anything to avoid paying someone for something he is fully capable of doing. It is NOT unreasonable to ask him to help when you both work.

If you can figure this out, please take notes and write a book for the rest of us.
Good luck and remeber that you knew this about him before you were married.

He does not understand WHY you are leaving the honey-do lists; he is a man. He needs more specific instructions with a positive outcome for himself at the end of the chore. You tell him that cleaning is important to you b/c you need this evaluation to go well so you can get the help that you need, freeing up your time to spend with HIM, or something to that effect. He will always do something good for you and the family IF HE THINKS it will be good for him alone in the long run. You can also tell him that little things like taking out the trash, whatever chore you want to list, are ways that he can SHOW you that he loves you, and if he does do it, then by all means praise him with hugs and kisses even though you think it's dumb, remember he is a man and this reward is all he lives for.

Yep, I can also agree with the other post that they never clean. I have been married 9 years and have known him 17 years. I work full-time, have three kids under 5 and I do everything. I hate clutter and anything out of place. I have gotten more relaxed with the clutter because what do you do with three kids. Every inch of the walls around every room seems consumed with some type jumper, bouncer, toybox, baby highchairs, strollers, etc. I am reading a book called "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura and it has really opened my eyes on the way men are and how all they want is to be appreciated, accepted, approved of from their wives. We get so wrapped up in our everyday lives just trying to get through a day, we forget about the husband and his needs. My husband and I fell into a very deep place just this past January when I went back to work after the third child. It was hard, very hard. It was taking every ounce of me to get up at 5:30am to go to work until 3:30-4:00, pick up kids from school, home, everyone is hungry, cleaning, I would put all kids to sleep and all I could do was practically crawl to bed. I couldn't even put a sentence together I was so tired. I had no energy for my husband. He felt it and let me know it one day when he had had enough from a fight we had. He said he didn't feel like I loved him anymore (which I thought by doing all this stuff from kids, laundry, to dishes showed my love for him), that he didn't feel appreciated anymore and that we need to talk that evening about our relationship and where we are going. WOW, what a slap in the face this was, but I had been listening to Dr. Laura and although I don't agree on everything she says, I do on a lot of things and she said it was the little things that will make your man notice that appreciation. How things have changed. By just calling/texting him a few times a day just to say Hi, I say thank you a lot, give him hugs first when I get home (even though I have kids hanging on my legs), make a point to listen to him have made a huge difference. He helps out more without me having to ask. It is not so much in the cleaning area but in other ways like watching the kids more while I go to the store by myself or time for me, which I never used to get. It is amazing the calmness in our house these days. Just knowing that you are a happy person, makes him happy. All I can say we have many blessings in our home and we are both the happiest we have been in a very long time. The mess is not so bad anymore and I don't look at it as me doing all this and he is not. We are happy and that is all that matters. God bless!

I stick to my guns that men are alot more simple that we give them credit for. You have to find out what motivates your man, that seems to be the comon answer here. I want to put this out there; you have to get into your man's brain.... the right brain. No not the one between his ears the one between his front pockets.
Your man is motivated... he just needs the right carrot. Abit of teasing abit of denial, or maybe a promise at the end. Does this seem so wrong. This has been man's motivation from the beginning of time. Why does it seem so hard to grasp. The way to a man's heart is not through his stomach it is through this zipper. Explore this, you will find that it works. You will have to give up the carrot occationally but it works. Make it fun. Make it a game. Life is to short to not have fun. Keep after it, he will give in. Check out www.aboutflr.com

I am glad to see that most people have told you the truth..."He is not going to change!" That said, you know it now, so if you marry him, don't say we didn't tell you so. The biggest mistake people make ( Men amd women) is thinking that it will get better after you are married! No It Won't! In fact it will probably get worse. I don't mean this to sound ugly, but if it took you days to clean your house and you still weren't finished 1am, your not the housekeeper type either! If it really meant a lot to you to have a clean house you would never be 3 plus days away from clean! Either accept him, or do not marry him. If you are unhappy now and your expectations are not being met , I have to tell you , you are in for a very unpleasant surprize after the ceremony! I do wish you the best, but you have 2 choices....acceptance, or go your seperate ways. Never expect change!
Just wanted to edit to add one little thing! If you offer sex at the completion of a chore ( kind of like dangling a carrot at the end of their nose, just out of reach for now, but attainable after vacuuming or laundry,) Guess what??? Magic happens!

See the answers written to Brandi. There were some great ideas. The best thing is if he would see the need himself and know that it is his responsibility to help. Wish I could send our sil to him as a role model. He is a man's man but he takes care of his family first and that includes helping with chores. He believes that the person who cooks the meal should not have to clean the kitchen, too. What a guy.

I really think you need to hire a cleaning lady to help you out. I have been with my man 4 years and it takes a very long time to change some of there ways . Good luck

K.:

I read your request and immediately thought of part of Jeff Foxworthy's stand-up routine where the wife is outside is the heat of summer mowing the lawn and the husband comes outside to tell her he's emptied the ashtray in the den.

I am not a neat-nick either and have my little piles of chaos throughout the house. My husband is a pack-rat in denial and I know better than to question the garage. If we're having friends over, the yard will be immaculate but the house will still have dust-bunnies.

We do what we have termed "flight-of-the-bumble-bee". We run like mad cleaning the important places (dishes out of the sink, good wipe-down of the bathroom, and everyone of my piles shoved in the closet) if someone is coming over. I find personally, the more important the situation, the higher my stress level of the impression that my house leaves. (Thankfully, my good friends don't care.)

Please also consider that the ECI appointment (and I don't know what ECI stands for) could be elevating your stress level. When this is past, sit down with your fiance and ask him for his help with your sanity. Don't tell him what to do or it won't get done. Simply say "We need to do X and Y before this happens. Which would you prefer?"

Best of luck to you!

Oh please try not to get so stressed!! I have been there, done that.
Go to Flylady.net and sign up. She will send you lots of emails at 1st but then they clear up. She tells you how to handle his lack of cleaning, how to do it w/o staying up til 1 in the morning, etc.
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With your work schedules, you don't have a lot of alone time. You really need to find a daytime job. Lots of men have been groomed to look upon housework as "woman's work" and that it is beneath them to do it. whatever his reasons for not wanting a neat home, they won't go away after the wedding ceremony, so you'ed best sit back and take a long look at things before you commit yourself to him for the rest of your life. It'll be exactly the same after you are married. Do you want to spend the rest of your life being his maid? His actions will rub off on your son, so then you'll have two to pick up after. Does he like to cook? Some men do. Maybe he would be willing to take over the grocery shopping and cooking chores and you could do all the housework, and with a little planning it won't be so bad.