Married but Feel like a Single Partent

My daughter's dad was alot like that. My daughter was a planned pregnancy yet when I became pregnant he changed big time, selfish, abusive etc...

My daughter was in the special care nurserey at Children's in Mpls., for two weeks after birth for being a preemie, me just having a c-section couldn't drive and we would fight over it because he wouldn't feel like driving me to go see our precious new baby, then he became really bad and got kicked to the curb when my daughter was about a month old. He's my ex for a reason now. He had visitation and pretended to want to be in my daughter's life and put a good show on for everyone until reality hit when my daughter was 4 and he finally gave up the phoney act and now hasn't seen her in 2 years.

My advise is, you can't change anyone. You can sit around and wait a lifetime hoping they'll change, hoping they want to be involved and want to be with you but you can't make them. I've accepted my life as it is, although I NEVER ever imagined being a single parent but here it is and I do the best job I can. I can't worry about him, I have to worry about my daughter and she takes up so much time and energy there's nothing left in me to sit and worry about his sorry butt.

If he's not involved and not truely happy and enthusiastic about parenting or being a husband he's probaly not wanting to be with you guys anymore but feel stuck so stays around.

Don't waste your time with him, if he's not contributing why keep him around?

I'm not trying to be harsh or anything I feel for you and if you ever want to talk I'm here on my computer just don't settle for less is all I'm saying. Give 'em a chance and if he doesn't try you have to make your own decisions stay with him and be miserable or move on in your life without him.

B.,

I'm sorry that you are struggling. My husband and I planned our pregnancy and have a beautiful almost 2year old daughter. And we struggle with the same issue.

But you need to look at what's causing it. My husband is working 2 jobs right now and even though I do resent everything sometimes, it is not the way we intend to proceed forever. When he is home, he takes great joy in taking care of both of us and our pets.

I know that my situation is different than yours. But maybe looking at the reason - does he feel left out since you're with her more during the day? Who is watching her while you are at work in the evenings? Since your schedules are different, maybe you need to look at the time and activities available during the time each of you spend with her. My husband gets our duaghter ready in the morning while I'm stuck with night time routine of baths, dinner, & bed - not always "fun" activities. Maybe mixing it up could help.

Most of my friends that are moms feel this way at least occasionally and when we talk about it we can usually give the guys kudoos for doing something that needs to be done for our families. I don't know of a support group but maybe just getting to let it out among friends can relive the pressure.

Hope that helps.

B.,
I know how you feel, however I'm not married and don't see a future with my daughters dad. I've looked for a support group in the St.Paul area, but have not found anything. Let me know if you do!
Keep up the good work at being a mom!

Some people call it the 7-year-itch - but really, its the FOURTH year that most people see troubles in their marriage - even more so when there is a child involved. It's a biological thing, and the timing couldn't be worse.

During this phase a lot of men "pull back" and evaluate their life. This comes through in selfish behavior like focusing on his needs, and having you shoulder too much of the responsibilities. It's because he's insecure in his life, and parenting skills, and you seem to do a much better job than him.

If you and he are committed to a life together - professional counseling would help greatly if he would agree to it. Sometimes a neutral third party can help shed some much needed light on the bigger picture. Also needed - serious couple time. I don't know how often you two just hang out together, or what you enjoyed doing before you were married, but whatever it was - do it! He'll come to realize that his "old" life didn't completely go away, and its enriched by having you and his daughter in it.

If you can survive this funk - your marriage will come out even stronger than before. It looks like your life is incredibly busy with work and your little girl, so this will take some adjustment for all of you, and is easier said than done. Think of it like an investment in your future, however. It worked for me - I'm going on 13 years now and every year gets better.

Best of luck! I'm pulling for you all!