Recently Seperated, 6 Months Pregnant, Hurt & Confused, Depressed

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. Being pregnant is challenging enough (especially when you have issues with depression) without the current situation. If he's not willing to sit down and talk with you face to face, I'm guessing that he won't try couples counseling. Since he seems so set on proving that there is something wrong with you, your parenting, or whatever - I think the best way to have a discussion would be with a trained, neutral person like a therapist who can help to focus the conversation and get to the real issues. If he isn't willing to do this, you have to move on for the sake of your own self-esteem and the well-being of your baby.

In my experience, ultimately who is right and who is wrong becomes unimportant. It's an argument that you could have forever. What is important is that you take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and financially. I think I remember reading that you moved to Albuquerque pretty recently. Do you have friends and/or supportive family there? I know it can take a while to build a support system in a new place. You are in a major city, you may be able to find a group for single parents where you could find support and encouragement through this difficult stage. I'm in Las Cruces so I'm not sure what community resources there are in Albuquerque. Continue to work with your psychiatrist - he/she may be able to point you toward some groups that could help you.

The financial stuff is the stressful, ugly, hard part. About 12 years ago, I had a boyfriend who I lived with that took off with one of my coworkers and left me in a horrible financial bind. Because we weren't married and most things were in my name because I had good credit before I met him, I was never able to get any money out of him - even after I took him to court. (He left the state and I did not have the resources to pursue the money he owed me.) Your situation is different because you are pregnant with his child and he is financially responsible for the child at the very least. Attorneys can be expensive, sometimes mediation is cheaper, but do SOMETHING legally to establish paternity and child support. You and the baby deserve that. I don't want to stress you out further because you have so much on your plate right now AND time is important because you want a financial agreement in place before you have your baby and (God forbid) before he can leave the state and makes things harder. A Consumer Credit Counseling service may be able to help you make a plan and manage your bills - and it's free. They may also be able to recommend low or no cost legal help.

Continue to see your doctors and therapists. If you are on antidepressants, make sure you are taking them (Wellbutrin is OK for pregnancy if no one told you that yet). Rally all of the emotional support that you can find. You will be OK, someday even better than OK. If he's not willing to talk, the only thing you can do is take care of yourself and that sweet little miracle that's due in a few months. I have issues with chronic depression too, so I really know how hard it is to do anything when you're depressed. If you can't manage to do these things for you - do it for your baby. Good luck and God bless. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

S.,

Everyone is going to give you one form of advice or another, convince you to find God as if that's the only salvation in the world, tell you he's the jerk, and that you can make it through this alone if you are strong.

It sounds pretty but your movement through this situation is your journey and your journey only!!

There is more to this story that only YOU know. Focus on getting a financial hold on your life first and in your private time begin to handle the emotional. If you have a history of depression, don't have custody of your own first child and choose to risk another pregnancy with the man you are not legally married to and have financial hardsip raising on your own, there are issues of character and patterns of behavior that may or may not give him reason to give up on the relationship; you need to work on yourself to find out why you make these bad judgments and turn your life around.

Or he could just be a jerk. Does it really matter? He's gone.

Get rid of the email address. Get a new one that he doesn't have for your other friends and family. If he wants a relationship with his unborn kid, he'll find you and you control the cards since he's not taking responsibility financially and shows no interest. But don't be surprised if he never comes back around and DON'T dwell on it. He'll find some other chick and have another kid without consequence probably.

All women--I don't care what ANY self-righteous woman on here says--have had changes in her relationship with her man during and after the pregnancy. The men may not physically leave or cheat, but they can mentally do that and just because people stay married or live together doesn't make it a happy home.

He may come back around after a period without you. Be smart about what you really want and prepare yourself if he does. You should spend your time now on planning a life with your new child by finding out where the medical is coming from, your income, your living situation, etc. and then start rebuilding financially for a life alone. It may be ideal to have a man, but its not a necessity to sacrifice yourself.

I think once you get a better handle on "you" you'll find a man that loves and commits without a hitch....

First, it doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong at all! I'm sorry this is happening to you and the timing is horrible.
This is gonna sound harsh but, my first act would be to go see a lawyer and start protecting yourself and your unborn child! You need to establish child support and custody! From your description of him, he doesn't seem to be a guy who handles things fairly, cleanly, or responsibly.
Put yourself and your kids first.
Good luck!

Ah sweet S. -
This just feels horrible, doesn't it? During my third pregnancy the father of that baby decided he couldn't handle the pressures, found a girlfriend and moved out. My dear...it was the best thing that could've happened. Over time it was easy to see that this had nothing to do with me, my other two kids, how good a woman I was or wasn't - this behavior was something that was always there and was just waiting for an opportunity to surface. Is it true that you need this man; absolutely true? No. How's it feel when you think you need him to respond and he doesn't? Probably crappy. If you could lose the thought "what did I do wrong" how would that feel and who would you be? Free...relaxed...enjoying your pregnancy...worryless...
I know that's probably little consilation right now and you deserve some time to wallow in grief - so do it. Do it to the hilt! And then find a way to move out of the grief and become the powerful woman that you already are and will be to your two babes.
This happens to women more than we know; I've crossed this bridge with many women in my work. It's important for you to process through this and find your own inner strength; that will be something that can NEVER walk out on you.
Sending you waves of support-
Barb
www.freespiritbirth.com

WOW! I am so sorry you are just now finding out who this guy really is. Even if he took everything back tomorrow, could you ever have confidence in him again?
He is surrounding himself with people who support his separation from you...it is unlikely he even wants to see the other side. He wants to leave..and he may have been wanting to leave for a while. Your daughter, the attention you MUST give her because she is your child...all these are just excuses. A bomb to drop on you leaving you stunned.
Have you cried yet?...it is healthy to accept the death of the relationship for what you had hoped it could have been. Crying releases you, to see the futility and move on... Your children need you.
I do not know how things are in this state, but child support is in order here. He can pretend all he wants about some things, but not others.

You put yourself in the position of being a victim. The crime is that you trusted a man without making him respondsible for his actions. You did not marry this man. Now he can leave you with no consequences to his actions. And he will do this with the next woman who allows her life to be victimized. May Jesus wrap you in His loving arms and take care of you and your daughter and unborn child and meet your every need. Trust Him, He loves you so much! I'm speaking as a woman who had my first child taken away from me when she was an infant by my husband. She is now 37 years old. The only way that I have made it thru these years is by coming to know how much Almighty God loves me. I pray that you will discover that the love you so much want and need is right there with you right now. Just call out to Him, Jesus Christ, to help you. Much love, I.

S.--I am so sorry for you in your current situation. You must be so sad, hurt, and confused right now. I used to d marriage therapy--have you thought about this as an option? It would only work, of course, if there were two willing participants...If your husband is willing and you are too, this would very likely be the best course of action--it is better to have a neutral party work through these issues with you guys, so there is less arguing each side without hearing the other. It sounds to me, without knowing much other information, that the issue with your husband is likely nothing (or at least very little) to do with your daughter, and that was the first "safe" reason he came up with why he wants to leave the relationship.

IT sounds like he is jealous of the time and attention that you have with your daughter, and realizes that you will have even less attention for him once the baby comes. THis happened to a friend of mine. She was 13 weeks prego, and her husband basically kicked her out and she had to move from FL to PHX to get her life back. It sucks! But remember that what is important is your daughter and your child that you have inside. It sounds as if he is very self involved, and you are the one that needs a little attentin right now. He is being very petty about the whole situation.

I feel for you, that has got to be an extremely frustrating situation you're in. Be strong for yourself and for your children - the baby can feel stress so try your best to find some happiness. Whatever you do - the most important thing in my eyes is to secure his responsibilities to the unborn child.

It seems like he's trying to run away from fatherhood or something, because what you've described doesn't sound like you or your daughter actually did anything wrong. If I were you I'd focus not on trying to prove who's right or wrong, etc - but to focus on you and your children's future... and your ex boyfriend NEEDS to be there for the baby, both physically and financially!

Are you on any government AHCCCS type health insurance? Irregardless, that same assistance branch has other programs that WILL mandate him to pay child support, etc - so start that process now so this guy can't run away and leave you and your kids totally helpless. It really sounds like he had a nervous breakdown and that he doesn't want anymore responsibilities.

Hang in there and be STRONG... you can do it!

Hi - sounds like your ex-boyfriend is immature and looking for a way out by blaming anyone else but himself. He doesnt sound ready for a Baby and cant or wont face it and he is looking for excuses so he blames the finances or you and your daughter. Please make sure that if you share any credit cards or bank accounts that you remove him at once - make sure he is off of all utility phone, etc bills - Protect yourself and your children financialy Immedietly! Please put your energy and heart into protecting you & your family and dont waste your time on trying to figure out why this Man-child cannot stand up to his responsibilities with you - it is HIS problem and doesnt sound like you did anything - But don't go Wrong by letting him get you anymore into debt - protect your money and your credit rating - and don't let him come back for a loan, etc - if he owes you money and there are things still there that can be sold - put them on Craigs list or Ebay - You need to keep the roof over you & your Childrens head and if he wont help then Dont believe he is going to come back later and do so - He walked out - you need the money - Dont let him Strong arm you -And Make sure you file for Child Support for the baby! - He is NOT off the Hook so Please keep an eye on where he is. It's not mean - its the survival of you and your/His children - And its the Law! Good Luck and please be happy knowing you are having a baby and You did Nothing wrong :) - S. :)

Hi S.!

My best advice to you is to pray about it. Im not sure what your faith is and please forgive me if this seems disrespectful or odd, but prayer is a powerful thing.

Im only 27 years old and have found myself in several tough situations. Ive been on my owm and have obtained everything on my own since I had my 1st child at 16 yers old. I thought i knew it all and always seemed to find an answer to any of my problems. But when real life tests came around, I humbled myself to GOD and he has been the only one who has been able to "fix" me. Why? because the problem layed in me, not anyone else.

Im not saying that any of this is your fault. all Im saying is that maybe you should do some soul searching, find your inner strengths, look to GOD for strength & guidance and I assure you the rest will follow. It worked for me. I had to learn that its OK to say "I cant handle this" to GOD and let him take over. Do this for the sake of your well-being, your wonderful little girl's well-being, and the well being of the little blessing in your womb.

This might sound corny, or wierd but You CAN do this. You are not alone. GOD is by your side.

Try it. Prayer hard. Privately if you'd like. From within the depths of your heart & soul... HE didnt let me down, im sure you will be ok too!!

I hope this helps.

From the heart,
D. M.

Stphanie,

You are hurting right now and it will not get easier in the near future. The important thing you need to remember is "everything happens for a reason". When you get to the otherside and look back you will see that he has done you a favor. You now know you can never count on him when times are hard. And believe me, after 18 years of marriage and four children I know times are sometimes hard! You are a strong, wonderful person that deserves to be with someone who is equally strong. Please do not let his words undermine your own determination. Also, don't let his hurtful words make you question your daughter. This is not her fault, it is his. Make sure you continually reassure her. Kids are smart and they hear everything. I am sure she has heard that he is blaming her in some way. Let her know she has done nothing wrong and that you will always chose what is BEST for her!!

You didn't go wrong. He's the jerk. I was in a very similar situation... was with the guy for 2 1/2 years, became pregnant.. and then all of a sudden we were arguing all the time, he became violent, tried to say it wasn't his kid, didn't acknowledge the pregnancy, etc. When I would send him e-mail, he would just respond about me and trying to pick fights and argue with me. He even went so far as to e-mail my sister!

You do not need to be belittled. It doesn't help with the stress of being pregnant. I know it's hard, but don't let him get you down. You are doing the best job you can do :) And you need to stay strong both for your daughter and for your baby's sake. It sucks not having the father around, but I am sure you deserve much better than how he is treating you.

Dear S.; You really are in a bind in your relationship and for this I have no advice. Trying to untangle it is probably a waste of time and dividing up the blame is a useless activity. However, I do recommend that for the sake of your sanity and for the welfare of your unborn child that you start proceedings to get child support. I don't know how this is done but I'm sure someone can help. D.

go see a councelor, it sounds like you need to stand on your own two feet for a while. if he doesn't want to talk respect him. there isn't a right and wrong in these types of situations and i feel like you are playing a game with him by saying you're not going to apologize because it's what he wants.
please know that men do not normally sit and discuss their feelings like woman.
if you look hard enough, i'm sure these problems were a surprise, maybe the consequence was.
sounds like you need to read how to care and properly feed your husband.
be strong, know that you've gotten yourself in this situation and you'll have to grow up and learn how to take some responsibility and make things happen for your kids.

Stephine,

I really don't think that you are in the wrong. If this is what he is feeling and won't speak to you then you need do whats best for you, your daughter, and your unborn child. Any man can be a father but only a realy man can be a dad. Let him have his space and cool off. If things were meant to work out they will. If not then take it as a learning experience. Good luck to you!

Mel

I am so sad to hear of your tough times. I will pray for you S..

S. -
Please don't automatically think you are wrong. Relationships are two-sided. Even if your behavior was a factor it does not make you in the wrong.
I am sorry that you are hurt and confused right now. My suggestion to you would be to get with a therapist to deal with your depression, especially since you have a history, before it overtakes you. And don't worry about your boyfriend - what he thinks, feels, says or does right now. That will work itself out later if it is meant to. Perhaps the thought of another child scares him and so he is distancing himself from the situation.
Just believe me when I say that things will be okay - I went through a pregnancy with no financial help (and yes it was planned on both our parts), then a marriage in which my daughter got blamed for everything (she was only 7 months old when we married, 3 when we divorced) and now 7 years later my husband and I are two of the happiest people we know!
If you need some emotional support please feel free to write to me. I wish you all the luck in the world and will say a prayer for you and your children.
J.

I hate to say it, but with all the attention he places on peripheral issues that really have nothing to do with your relationship with each other, I suspect that these are only diversions for the real issue, which is that he has someone else and he wants to insist that it is something you've done when it really has nothing to do with that.

I would suggest that you read the books: "The Script: The 100% Absolutely Predictable Things Men Do When They Cheat" by Elizabeth Landers and "When the One You Love Wants to Leave" by Donald Harvey.

The first book will open your eyes. The second book will tell you what to do if you are to have any hope of fixing it if it can be. I have a ton of other resources for you if you are interested. Just contact me directly.

It may not be someone else, and I really hope that it isn't, but you need to be armed in the event that it is so you are able to deal with the real issues and not the seemingly misleading reasons he is giving. There are too many signs that it is something else that what he is saying.

You do need to read these books ASAP to prepare yourself for dealing with him so you can stop being at his whim and mercy and begin to make some of your own decisions regarding your future and what you expect of him rather than hoping he will see the light and come back.

It's not the time for that now. You need to have a plan to protect you and your children from his instability and selfishness and make decisions about what is acceptable behavior on his part that you might consider if HE changes and wants to return, and IF you will let him. The is the case whether or not there is someone else because you don't just run off on your unborn and their mother and come waltzing in when you want, and you don't take someone like that back just because of financial pressure.

This is the time for you to be strong, keep your wits about you, and be 100% willing and prepared to let him walk right out of your life. Only then will you have the strength and foresight to determine whether allowing him back will be the best interest for you and your children, and keep you focused enough to insist that he changes and makes amends before you will allow him back into your life.

The ball is in your court now, so be careful and quick to prepare yourself for dealing with him firmly and with truth only. You must first educate yourself though, so get to the library today and get reading those books. If you need more, I can give you a huge list, but those are the best for what you need to know and do now. I wish you the best and know you have the strength to get through this no matter what the outcome.

Stay strong! You are a good mother and a beautiful person, and if he doesn't see that, do not limit yourself to him. Maybe this is the best thing to happen to you (even though is is so difficult and the timing is so bad) so you can be free to find the man who will see those things in you and treat you with love and respect. Don't settle!

Your daughter and unborn child are your number 1 priority. As difficult as it may be, you don't need someone like him in your life. Do not choose him over your daughter. She comes before any man.

Hi S.!
I know exactly what your going through because im going through the same thing, but im not pregnant. And he is step dad to my daughter. And he is mean... He is a real jerk!!

Well hang in there, i am. We are better than that and deserve alot better!

L.

If you have any family or friends that will help you, take their support. If not, you need to get some counseling and support through the government systems. You are probably better off without this man in your life from what you have described. You could look into giving your child up for adoption. It is best to think of the future of the child and if you can't provide a secure home someone else can. There are many open adoption programs and some parents have no objection to the birth mother being part of the child's life should they choose to be so. I urge you do think of your baby's future no matter how unselfish you need to be. My dad is a family law attorney in Tucson and helps with adoptions. If you would like to contact him for some advice let me know and I can pass along his name and phone number. Good luck.

Rather than focusing on "what went wrong," (as hard as it is) focus on what is. How can you make this painful situation the best you can for both you and your unborn child? Use this experience to help you grow in whatever ways will benefit you and your child. Look for all the resources that are available, consider all your options, and create the life you need for yourself and your baby. Seek all the support you can from everywhere you can find it. Ask yourself what lesson you can learn from this experience, and go forward. Do you have family and or friends to help you? Dont hesitate to ask for help! If you are in the Phoenix area, I could suggest some possible resources, depending on what exactly you need. (do you have a place to live or are you in danger of losing your home?) Of course you are depressed! A perfectly normal feeling considering your situaion now. To help you deal with this, seek a polarity and/or cranial sacral therapist and/or a counselor who does "energy psychology." A good life coach could be helpful, too, and schools who train them often offer complimentary sessions. If you need any referrals, let me know. Blessings to you and your baby.

S.~
IMHO he is just using your daughter as the excuse & the root to all evil. She does not even live with you fulltime & yet this is the source for EVERYTHING?? He is seeming very self-centered & jealous over her. He is just using the "everyone" card to attempt to show strngth in numbers. He seems immature not letting you know where he is & jmust communicates via email. I bet where he is is somewhere he does not want you to know. True guys do not like confrontation- but this is pointung-the-blame-passive agrressive. He never mentions your baby??!! I might be wrong, but you might find this was a good thing & got out while you can. Listen to your heart. Good luck & God Bless.

Hi S.,
I can only imagine how incredibly difficult this must be. I can't offer up much advice from experience, except to say, from what you're describing, that he must be very selfish. My only real advice I can give is to remember that you cannot change others, only yourself (not that I'm saying you need to change yourself, but if he doesn't want to try to see things from your perspective, nobody can change that). I wanted to recommend a book that I'm reading that might be helpful for you. It has helped me keep things in perspective much better in various aspects of my life -- see if you can get a hold of a copy from your library or a bookstore (I don't think it's very expensive). It's not very long and it's an easy read. It's called "You Can Be Happy No Matter What" by Richard Carlson. It teaches you to not be reliant on circumstances to be happy, by recognizing how your negative thoughts can be very detrimental, etc. I'm not one of those who normally reads these type of self-help books but this one really struck a cord with me. I really encourage you to read it, even though I know you have so many obstacles to face right now financially and otherwise - it will be worth your time!
I truly wish the best for you. Do you have any friends or family you can turn to for a place to stay or to help financially for a while?
--S.

get a lawyer, make him pay child support and come to terms he is childish and manipulative. and spend a nice mommy daughter day. she needs you and loves you and can help you more than he ever will. She Can, and He Won't. especially not with out a lawyer. he sounds scared. now would be a perfect time for you to play hardball. good luck. and thank your stars this came up now instead of later!

Hi, S., I don't have any particular advice for you, but I just wanted to respond so you didn't feel that you were writing into the void. I'm sure other people will be writing as well. When I was pregnant with each of my children, I went through very difficult times with my husband. It was so easy to feel completely alone and lost. Good luck, hang in there, and don't let yourself get isolated. Reach out to other women as much as you can.

Abrazos,
R.

If he compares himself to a 10 year old, then he is too immature to take care of another child. It would be best if you let him go. It would less stressful and maybe if he stays gone you may get your daughter back. I recently got my daughter back, and I don't know why I chose something worthless than choosing her.

Hello,
I know you are going through a lot but I feel you can stand on your own two feet and walk away from this situation. I would contact the State for help and set up Custody of your child and have them set up a plan for Child Support with Supervised Visitation. I am sorry but your boyfriend is acting very immature and childish. You need an adult in this relationship not another child. He needs to except you for you and he also needs to except your daughter if he wants to be with you in a relationship, if he can't then you need to move on with your life and the right person for you will come along. God has a plan and everything will happen when it is suppose to.
Believe that you are a good Parent to your daughter and your unborn child.
Move on and don't waste your time and energy with your ex. Get things set up legally for you with your unborn child and lift your head up high and move on, you can do it!!

S.,

First, I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I know it isn't easy but try to focus on your health and your babies health. I agree with pretty much everything that has already been said - but also want to point out that he has a son who he is the custodial parent for - maybe he just didn't want another child and that is why he is angry - angry with your daughter because she takes time away from his child and angry that another one will do the same. You never know what someone is thinking. IMO, if he didn't ask about the baby - and he isn't letting you know where he lives - he is running from that responsibility and you, your daughter and your baby DON'T need someone like him in your lives.

A personal note, I was a single parent for 11 years, my daughter's father wasn't around and didn't help at all. So I know the concerns you have. If you have family or friends around you - it will be easier, but either way - you will make it.

As for your financial situation - since you already had financial issues with both of your income, I would talk to your landlord or mortgage company and let them know the situation - if there is anyway you can do something to decrease your bills - or maybe take in a room mate.

This is really harsh and will probably hurt more, but DUMP him and move on. You have your daughter and unborn child to think of and be concerned with. From what you wrote, I got the impression that he was with you just so he could get custody of his son and once he got it him he fled. He is acting very immature for his age doing e-mail, come on how childish is that. I would make it so that any e-mails that come in from him go directly to the junk folder and don't even bother with the. I would, however, hold on to them in case you may need back up of something he may or may not have said later on. I am sorry to be so harsh, but please move on and get yourself together for your daughter and baby's sake. To coin a very old phrase, there are more fish in the sea and you don't need the carp you had. I wish you the very best and hope all works out for you.