I met my fiance 11 months ago. We have a one month old baby now who means the world to both of us. But you can do the math and understand that this was unplanned. We both are educated and can provide for the child. We were a long distance couple...living two + hours apart and seeing one another maybe one day a week. Our schedules were very conflicted...I worked nights as a nurse and he is a teacher and coach...so we weren't really able to do much dating, to be honest. I found out I was pregnant two months into us being together. He proposed to me at four months of being together. I accepted because we were in love. But doubts set in then. I began to question everything...and I expressed those concerns but was always calmed down by his reassurances. I just felt like we were rushing into things with being engaged so soon and new baby coming. In the hopes of doing the right thing we decided I would quit my job and relocate to where he was a month prior to the birth of the baby. We both come from traditional families and it was hard for them to even accept our out-of-marriage pregnancy...so I feel pressure there as well. Now that I live with him my same old doubts are in place, they never really left. I feel overwhelmed with a new baby, virtually new relationship to try and nourish, and new environment. As a couple, we are suffering badly. Not much in the way of communication. When I finally expressed to him again that I wished to take a step back and return home...not break things off...just re-evaluate what we are doing...he told me I was being selfish and was only thinking of my happiness and not the baby's. But as the mother, shouldn't I be happy instead of just going along with things? I feel like if I do, I will wake up two years from now with two children and in a marriage that I'm not happy with...then where does that leave me? Or maybe even end up pregnant again before we are married as the birth control method we were using failed. I am not being spiteful. I just want some space to figure things out. He went out and bought a family car even though I said mine was fine...laid new carpet...bought new furniture...which I sincerely appreciate...but I felt was not really needed as we have a new baby. Now he expects me to help pay for the car as well...what is that?
If there are any women reading this or men that are father's themselves (or about to become father's)...what would you do? Any advice is appreciated!
Thanks for all for all of the wonderful input! I don't believe that I have post-partum depression as I am cheery, like getting out on walks...working out again (but I can't self-diagnose ehhh). I sincerely just feel like a fish-out-of-water. I went into this all blindly when I should have said to my fiance I am staying put...I am pregnant and that was unplanned and that in itself is enough change right now. I suppose he could have done the relocating to work through all of this considering the amount of work and change a woman goes through to give birth to a child. I suppose I should offer a little more background as to why I feel a bit resentful. During my pregnancy I felt like a single parent doing this on her own. When we would see each other it was fleeting as my nursing schedule had me working nights and we would only see each other a few hours before I would have to go into work the next afternoon. Also, he rarely was interested in doing much to help me feel comfortable...I would ask for a back rub or a foot rub...and it just wasn't something he was into doing. Now you would think a man that doesn't see his pregnant fiance all the time would do just about anything to accommodate how she felt. Then the actual birthing process was not how I pictured it going...we argued that day about how I was feeling so rushed about making all of these decisions...I went home to my mother's for the weekend and that evening I went into labor. My fiance drove to the hospital...I asked for a foot rub during early labor as I chose not to have an epidural (wow!) and my midwife ended up giving me one. I thought that a man would do pretty much anything his partner asked at that moment? Then afterward...I wanted pancakes...that's all...and it took me a while to convince him to pick them up. I know these are just tiny things...but I imagine that if my fiance had just had my son drug-free and all she wanted was a foot rub or pancakes then nothing would stop me from that. Also, I asked that we not be bombarded with visitors the first day and what do you know...here comes his family...unwrapping and exposing my lil guy while I was supposed to establish a breastfeeding schedule. I felt like everything I had asked for during the birth experience was not honored. My baby ended up with a 101 temperature the next morning and we were kept a couple of days extra. One of which my fiance left for a wedding and got drunk...I told him to stay the night at his friends place...well he shows up at the hospital at 4am smelling of alcohol and saying that he missed us and didn't want to be away. I felt disrespected again. I guess this is the build up to why I need to re-evaluate things. We aren't on the same page about much...including me breastfeeding (he wants me to pump as soon as possible and give the baby a pacifier...I don't want to do that). I understand that it is his child, too. He will be a good father. I would never keep him from his father. EVER. I just want to date...to establish the solid foundation we don't have. I want my own space. Get my old job back...I loved my job...maybe stay with my mother...and take the step back I feel I need to focus on motherhood. I feel like I can't do it all. I can't nourish this new live-in relationship and be the mom I should be. Everything around me is new. What gives? How much do I have to sacrifice to make this work when he hasn't given up much? I understand that being a mother is sacrifice, but how much does the father have to as well? Sorry...I just had to vent and update you some more.
Don't marry someone or even live with them because it is "expected". You need to do what is right for you, and the baby, and that isn't to be in a bad marriage. If there is no communication now, that isn't magically going to get better just because you are with him. Coming from parents that were in a bad marriage, marriage in and of itself does not help the child. Think this through now before you regret it.
Ok, so I began 'dating' my now husband in May and like you we became pregnant right away in July of that same year. We bought a house in Oct of that year and our son was born in March of the next year. For much of the time I was pregnant with our son I felt like someone living with a room mate who happened to be of the opposite sex and slept in the same bed. We had no communication for a long time...even though I did become pregnant with our second baby. I did not really trust him because of his past and just had a hard letting anyone care for me the way he claimed to. Long, long story short and many hard times later, we have now been married for three years, and have had a 3rd baby. He has become my best freind and the only person I would ever dream of spending my life with. We have 'learned' to communicate and love each other very, very much. Having said that, it doesn't mean it works out that way for every one. I am not sure if you are a praying person, but if you are i would suggest a book by Stormie Omrtain called 'The Power of a Praying Wife' ($4.99 at Mardel's). It wasn't until a freind saw my struggle with being with my husband and not knowing if it was where I was supposed to be and gave the book did our life turn together begin to come together. I think some people expect to have rockets and butterflies and perfect everything from the beginning and don't honestly put the effort into a relationship... it is WORK that is for sure. It is your choice of course, and no one can judge you for it or say you should have done this or that instead, but give this book a try. What do you have to lose?
You have a lot to figure out, that's for sure.
All I want to say is that you are a very lucky woman to have had a surprise pregnancy with a man that is clearly showing his dedication to you and your baby and a future with you.
A lot of men run for the hills.
Yes, you should be happy, but don't mistake things happening so fast for unhappiness. Don't "what if" yourself into a corner you can't get out of.
Your feelings are valid and rational to you.
Your fiance's feelings are valied and rational to him.
Maybe some counseling would benefit both of you so you can get your feelings out and heard in a healthy way.
The main thing is your baby now. If you had a hard time finding a way to "date" 2+ hours apart, imagine how you will work out co-parenting at that distance. With a newborn.
I totally understand feeling overwhelmed. You've had a lot of rapid transitions and I think it's totally normal for you to be thinking...."What the heck just happened to my life in the last 11 months?" It's a LOT to adjust to.
I guess I'm just trying to say that if I were you, and I'm not, I wouldn't complicate things further by making another impulsive sudden decision that will mean another huge adjustment.
That's just my opinion.
Ultimately what you do is up to you.
Best wishes.
Nothing about you relationship is tranquil! It was pressured, stressed, and rushed from the start. Taking a step back, would be very smart. Do what you feel is right, before you're stuck.
I am so sorry your feeling so overwhelmed. Seems like you need time to think things through. Nothing wrong with that with everything happening so fast. You want to make sure things are the way they are supposed to be and I understand that. I do not believe your being selfish at all. To soon-to fast. I wish I had the correct words of wisdom to give you, but I dont. But I can give you support in what you to decide. It will come to you what needs to be done. I wish you happiness.
Follow your gut! Take a step back and get the time you need to gain a clear perspective. Trust me, I have been married and divorced twice because I didn't listen to my 'instinct' that I should wait...something wasn't right.
This is about YOU and your child. Don't let him talk you out of it, you know (in your heart) what is best for you, and based on what you wrote, you KNOW you need time to reevaluate. And don't forget, pregnancy affects your hormones, hormones affect the way you deal with things...give yourself a much needed break. You made a significant amount of big changes...time for a deep, cleansing BREATH!
Good luck!
I can relate, I have a 1 and half year old and my fiance and I have only been together a little over 2 years. We didn't move in together until right before she was born because we didn't want to rush things, but lets face it the situation was anything but slow. We are getting married in a month and I believe its the best decision I have ever made. I also realize that I got lucky. That being said, it wasn't an easy road to get to. I don't know what your feeling are for your fiance so I can't give you advice where that is concerned, and I don't think that being with someone just because you have a child is what anyone should do, however because you have a child you do have to handle things more responsiblly and can't act rashly or make decisions that you can't take back or that affect your child in a negative manor. So, I would slow down and breath. Realize you just had a baby, among other stressful life changing things going on. Having had a baby just a month ago does all sorts of things to your hormones... plus you are probably a little sleep deprived:) Which doesn't make your decision making ablitlies at their best. You may be suffering from a slight case of ppd or just normal new mom baby blues that are intensified with the stressful new situation....maybe you need to talk to your dr, or maybe someone (a professional) that can help you come up with a solution to your doubts, someone that is on the outside and not all hormonal and emotional... Then if you still think you need to move out you will know its really what you want. Just keep in mind that things will work out, and enjoy that new baby of yours...it goes way too fast!
Wow, that is a tough situation. I have two pieces of advice that might conflict with each other... (1) You have to trust your gut. If you don't feel comfortable in this relationship, if you are seeing red flags and uneasiness, going home might be the right thing to do. (2) You have a very new baby, have just relocated, and both of those things cause an amazing amount of stress and really mess with your perspective.
Do you have any other support where you are located now? Family close by, friends, etc.? Perhaps just moving to your own apartment in the new city would help. As the father he has a right to see and help raise the baby, but you can compromise to make this work -- it doesn't have to involve living together.
I think the big issue is that your whole life got turned upside down, and it wasn't something you'd planned for or asked for. Well, you did ask for it by having sex, but you weren't counting on it. You feel deprived of the right to make decisions about your life. That's why you want to step back so that you have the chance to make the decision.
That feeling ruins families. It's hard to get over but it can be done. From his perspective, the deed is done. He's made his choice and that is family. I can see why he feels that you're being selfish and I can see why you feel the need to step back.
Neither of you are wrong. You just need to find a way to communicate it all to each other and what you're doing doesn't seem to be working.
As far as the car, sell the darn thing. If a material object causes friction in your family, you just need to get rid of it.
Do you church? If so, counseling might be available for free. Otherwise look into some sort of paid counseling. This is your family now, you have to find a way to make it work, even if it didn't happen the way you most would have liked.
Congrats on your new baby and good luck.
So many great answers here from all the smart empathetic moms, only thing I have to say is that you are VERY isolated. If you felt it was YOUR place and YOUR life, and YOUR choice, you may be more motivated to help your guy comunicate and ergo make it work. So while you feel you've made MONSTER changes in your life to accomodate him and the baby, maybe you can try to make them for yourself as well. Go back to work even just a day or two a week, meet new people, make your own friends, go to the neighborhood park, or just be outside on your front step with the baby, chat with other women at the market, join a gym, etc. It is REALLY good for all three of you to leave the baby with its father as often as comfortable. Maybe if you can feel like it's your place too, things will work themselves out....but your GUY really DOES need to learn to communicate, so for that I would suggest counciling together or by yourself, to better learn how to navigate around a guy who can't talk. You're a Mom now, gotta take the reigns! Good Luck!
I agree... take a step back and gain some peace and clarity. What's a month in 50 years?
Ultimately I think you need to heed your instincts. If moving back home means out of state, or even out of the general vicinity, then no, I wouldn't do that. First off, he should get to be near his child and it sounds as if he wants to be very involved. Plus, you're goig to really appreciate his help. But, maybe you could get your own place and a job and put the baby in day care? I mean, perhaps it would be beneficial to live apart and "share" the baby. this is NOT ideal, especially with the amount of work a newborn is, you both will be very tired and stressed, but like I said, I think you do need to listen to your instincts to a degree. I do not believe that you should be together just because you have a child together. If you want to try and make things work to find out how you feel, I think you should. You need to reconnect. Since the baby is so young, going out probably isn't going to be an option, but maybe you could take turns planning date nights in....things like dinner, board games, just talking! It's not wrong to not be with him. You cannot go through life unhappy. In only a few months/years your daughter will be able to pick up on the fact that you two are not in a happy union. Your families will deal with it. Ultimately they want you happy too.
aparently if you are really doubting yourself, then you've let too much happen to you too fast...heed warning to your instincts hun. i was 19 when i got married, 20 when my daughter was born and seperated right after she was born (only 4 months later) i'm now 27. i love my daughter to pieces, but DAMN do i wish i listed to myself when my mind said don't do it.
sounds like you need time to think about what you and the baby needs...BUT your man is right, you now have the baby you need to think about as well now. a broken home is NEVER good for a child although an unhappy home is just as bad. If marriage is something your have doubts about don't go through with it until you know for sure that's what you want for the right reason's. Biblically, yes you should be married since you have child and are living with him but at the same time that's something you should have thought about a long time ago...little late.
sorry to be so blunt just calling it like i see it
are you still in love with him? do you like him as a person? can you see him as your future husband and the father of your children? i think thats one of the first few questions you need to ask yourself. if you care about the man but are just feeling pressured, overwhelmed, uncertain then don't move out just yet. every couple (be it strangers or a 10-year married couple) goes through a TOUGH phase when a baby is first born. it redefines everything, changing how you relate to each other, how you relate to the world, etc. and its a period of time when everything seems upended and scary. so you shouldn't judge how your life is going to be by how it is right now. that being said, i don't think that you should actually marry him just yet. wait until you're a little more certain about how you feel -- this will probably be after the baby is at least a year old and you've adjusted to the new way of life.
i really feel for you. i had dated my husband for about a year when we got pregnant. we had already decided we were going to marry each other, he was looking at rings, i was expecting a proposal so its not like the pregnancy forced us to get married - we were going to get married anyway! and yet, still somehow, the fact that the pregnancy came before the marriage made me doubt my feelings for my husband and especially, his feelings for me. i felt that we had been "forced" into marrying although thats exactly what we were going to do anyway before we even found out about teh pregnancy. so it really is kind of a mental thing too i think. oh, and that first year was HARD -- i REALLY had my doubts then but now, 15 months later, i'm really happy and i'm so glad everything worked out the way that it did...so give yourself some time to be more objective. had the baby not come along do you think you guys might have ended up together anyway somewhere down the line? try to think about it objectively. and remember, you do have a baby to think of now and its his right to be near the baby just as much as you so even if you decide you can't make it work, i dont think moving out of the vicinity is a great idea..
best of luck,
If you still have your car, return the other one if possible.
If you feel you need to take a step back... go back home and re-collect your thoughts.
If he could take a step back himself, realize it's not completely personal, then maybe he could understand.
Also, being a single Mother is preferable to being unhappy in a relationship you feel forced to continue.
That's tough. Honestly, I think that you do need some time to figure this out. It's great that he is so willing to support you and the baby, but he probably could use some time to figure things out too. The beginning of a relationship is always so great, and you feel in love and alive and you can't keep your hands off each other. Yes, some people do meet, fall in love, marry within a few months, and live happily ever after. Most people take a lot more time to figure things out. Just because you two have an unplanned baby doesn't require you to speed up your relationship. You should definitely not marry him right now if you have doubts. He may be a wonderful guy, supportive, nice to you, a great father... but if he doesn't knock your socks off then I don't think it's your obligation to marry him. He does have rights, and you will have to figure that out if you ultimately decide to end your relationship with him. But, don't do that just yet. You should not make any big decisions right now anyhow. Your (and his) world has been rocked by the addition of a newborn, and you need to get used to the idea of being parents before you try to add newlyweds to the mix. Just take it one step at a time, don't feel like you have to have it all figured out right now. Stay close to your family and friends back home, and try to find a group of new mommies to connect with where you live now. As far as paying for the car, I don't really think it's your responsibility to pay for it since you were not included in the decision to buy it, and your name is not on the title. If you were to help pay for it, and then you two breakup, you won't have any claim to the car. However, if you see the relationship heading in a promising direction, and you use the car, it would make sense to contribute.
I was in a similar situation when I got pregnant with my first child. When I told the dad (now my husband of 14 years, the child is 16), we moved in together. BUT, we decided that moving in together was so that we could get to know each other, save money and take care of the baby. Marriage wasn't the goal, getting along and becoming friends was. We married shortly before our son's 2nd birthday and went on to have three more kids. It's been tough, but I know that those first few years when we were focusing on building a friendship were so important in getting us through the rough times.
After reading some responses this seems to be more common than previously thought. *I don't mean that in a negative way at all*
Heck, I'm there too. My fiance * i call him my hubby most of the time* have been dating for 3 years..have a 2 y/o son & a new baby due in two weeks. We went from dating to living together to me finding out I was pregnant.
Now my situation is a bit different because me and him were friends for 2 years or so before we ever dated.
I got VERY VERY lucky though. Yes it all happened fast, but I knew before we dated that I loved him. No we aren't married yet, that'll come too. But I'm thankful everyday that I have my little family. However non-traditional it may be.
Don't ever feel guilty about taking steps to make sure you are happy. As little girls we grow up learning that doing anything for ourselves is selfish. But look at how many women are in loveless marriages and completely unhappy. I would consider some premaritial counseling. Do the work before you commit to being married and have regrets. Go into it with open eyes, rather than just hoping it might work out. Get some books on setting boundaries. I really struggle with this one. And just sit down with him and have an open and honest conversation. Don't expect him to read your mind or think that he should figure it out. Men need explicit explanations lol! Tell him to hear you out. A strong marriage is built on a foundation of trust and the trust is built through strong communication. Good luck and God bless!
Sounds like you are now trying to do what should have been done prior to your move. Since you have already quit your job, how are you going to move back? I am not saying you can't or shouldn't but just throwing the thought out there. I agree with you that you need to be happy to...I believe that happy parents that are not together are better than unhappy and apart. It does sound like he is trying to do the right thing so try to cut him some slack. I would suggest that you talk with him...try to come up with someone to watch you child so you can have a date night with him. While your child has to be your priority, your relationship needs to be nurtured too (which is hard with a child). I think you owe it to your child to give it a shot (not saying stay together for your child but give it your best effort).
happy mom = happy baby.there's nothing wrong with needing to re-evaluate the reltionship and make sure this marriage is what you really want/need.
Wow, I bet you are overwhelmed and confused. You must stop and reach into your own heart and brain. Block out everything else for this decision.
The reason is it would not be fair to the 3 of you to not have your whole heart into this marriage. You must know what it is you really feel.
That does not mean with counseling, time together, time working on problems and solutions together, that you will not realize you are so in love with him You need to be willing to spend, the REST OF YOUR LIFE with him. Good , bad ugly.
Your child will only live with you for 18 years, then you are stuck with him by yourself. (hee, hee.. I say this to my husband)
If you two want to be good parents to your child, you do not have to be married. Instead you have to love and support your child. You need to get along, be able to communicate. Parenting is difficult, frightening and the best job you will ever love. But Marriage can be even harder, because it means 2 people have to be devoted to each other or else it is not fair to the other person.
I am sending you strength and clarity.
Since he has gone to so much trouble, it seems that he is settling in for the long haul. Heading back home will just create more questions and problems than it will solve at this time. With that said, you guys need to slow down and not only try to come to terms with being parents, but become a team. BTW, my hubby and I were married 3y before our first kid and we went through the same feelings. Every parent does.
If I were you I would stay put. Your baby is going to need a safe, secure place to stay, so it may as well be there. You don't say how big the house is, but my suggestion is that if there are 2 or more bedrooms that you sleep in the other room. You are obviously uncomfortable right now and have to redefine you.
You guys need to go on dates. Learn more about each other. Without asking him, what is his favorite color? What was his first car? Who was his best friend in high school? Does he know the answers for you?
M.
Hi J.,
The time after a baby is born can be stressful for even the best of relationships. It sounds to me like there are many things on your plate, causing you anxiety and yes, overwhelmed is very reasonable.
I don't know your past, or the past of your fiance, however, here are some ideas:
Join a New Mom's group. Chances are that your birthing hospital, or the local one, runs a program for new mothers that meets regularly. These groups can be vital support for women experiencing the very unique challenges that new mothers face in their relationships with both their babies and spouses/family.
Find a good counselor. New relationships do benefit from counseling, and this is less expensive than maintaining two separate households, if you need an argument to present to your fiance. Relationship counseling is not about changing the other person to fit one's needs, it's about finding common ground in the relationship and having an impartial third party validate both person's feelings while giving tools for open, considerate communication.
I suggest counseling because, if your fiance is already making financial commitments without your agreement, and then expecting you to foot half the bill, there's an imbalance. I think he needs help seeing things from your perspective. Perhaps he's really wanted a family for some time, and is forcing things to work out of fear of losing you or disappointment. The most confident of men would be shaken by the idea of losing their child and fiance, and perhaps he too isn't confident in some aspects of the relationship but feels he must just forge ahead anyway. It seems like there's a 'getting to know you' window that happens in a relationship that you both missed out on. Counseling can help you determine if that bond is there, is capable of being cultivated, or if you want to work toward amicably coparenting. I know it's a lot to throw out on the table, but please consider it.
AND, if he doesn't want to go to counseling, go on your own. If you are living on his paycheck, see if you can dip into your savings. This is probably the most important investment you can make right now; if he's completely opposed, then again--it might be good to find out why.
I wish you and your child the best of lives. Only you can know what will be right for you over the long term. My family was a bit chagrined that my husband and I were together for 8 years, and had a son who was nearly 2 before we got married. We had to decide what was right for ourselves and sort of let everyone else just flap in the wind, as it were. We did go to counseling about two and a half years into our relationship and went for quite a while. It was hard, but has strengthened our bond and our love so much. Self-discovery is hard work, but it's worth the effort.
