S.B.
M., it's obvious that you are hurting. It's terrible to be related to someone who is cold to you. It's bad enough when acquaintences are that way.
However, their treatment of you is nothing new. Maybe it's just all come to a boil and you can't take it anymore and I'm glad you're getting help for it. You have to know that giving your husband an ultimatum is only going to make him defensive. He realizes his parents aren't going to change. Nothing you threaten your husband with will make them change. I think your husband accepting how his parents are is a far cry from condoning their behavior. It's possible for him to have jerk parents, stay in contact with them and still have a marriage with you separately from all that mess. They're HIS parents, let HIM deal with them.
I'm no expert, but it sounds to me like there is more going on than the way his parents treat you. You say he's betrayed your trust. I would deal with each one of those issues at a time. The lines about why you feel so unloved by him might be blurred somewhat.
Your husband might need to change, but so do you. You can't allow rude in-laws to completely take your sense of self away. Whether or not you feel loved or complete as a person shouldn't depend on them. And, in all honesty, it shouldn't depend on your husband either. Maybe your marriage can't be saved at this point, but you need to know that you are a strong, worthy, valuable human being regardless of anything or anyone else.
You have feelings and they are valid. But don't make the mistake of losing all sense of self esteem because of things others do or don't do.
The only person who is in control of your ultimate happiness is you.
I don't know the extent of everything that's happened, but if you want out of your marriage, I wouldn't give your in-laws the satisfaction of knowing it's because of them.
They're not going to be around forever.
My sister has a mother in law who has said and done some awfully rude, hurtful things and my sister pretty much avoids her at all costs. However, her husband and his siblings have a relationship with her. She drives my brother in law crazy and really ticks him off sometimes, but she is his mother. And, my sister isn't about to give up her husband because his mother can be completely tactless and puts her nose into things that are none of her business.
If my sister ever gave her husband an ultimatum over it, he'd show her where the door was. Not because he chooses his mother over his wife, but because he's a grown man. He's not responsible for his mother's actions and my sister knew exactly how his mother was before they ever got married. It was no secret. He's told his own mom off at least 1,000 times. She'll just respond with, "Well...what got into YOU today?"
On any given day, there's at least someone in the family not speaking to her over something. This kind of thing, in and of itself, is not worth losing a marriage over. My sister and her husband have been married 16 years.
She doesn't feel stabbed in the back that he has a relationship with his mom. She thinks he's a glutton for punishment. :)
But, again, it's HIS mother. He deals with her or he doesn't. She's not my sister's problem.
Your in-laws aren't your problem either. You basically have no communication with them. Leave it at that.
Working on your own self esteem and getting through other trust issues with your husband seem more important to me than trifling with them.
That's just my opinion and I really hope things work out for you.
Best wishes.