Marriage Advice - Matawan,NJ

Hi D.,

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate!
Have you spoken openly with your husband about your need for down time and help with the children? Have you let him know that you are very tired and unhappy, and that as a result you have difficulty being available to spend quality time with him? If not, what is stopping you from having that conversation?

Now what happens if you have had that conversation and he still does not want to help? When I am in a situation with someone where I need help and I am not getting it from the other person, I start to look at what changes I can make to help myself. I cannot control the other person, but I can control what I do. What might be some options here? Can you afford to pay someone to help you out a bit, say with cleaning or for a few hours during the day with the children? Can you get a babysitter once a week so that you can go out with friends or on your own or so that your husband could join you on occasion? If the answer is yes, it solves your problem, because you get relief, you get to get out whether or not your husband ultimately agrees to help.

Suppose you cannot afford to hire some help. What can you do then? What if you specifically told your husband that you are having difficulty because you a) are not getting enough rest; b) have trouble being available to spend quality time with him because of it; and c) believe you could do better by him if he would help you in some very specific ways. You then would need to come up with specific things he could do to help that are also broken down enough that he would not find those tasks overwhelming.

You've mentioned there are some money issues. How do you get money for groceries? Maybe you could have a separate account for household expenses? This way you would have some money to put aside for an occasional babysitter or cleaning help.

Did you work before the children were born? Would you consider part time work in the near future to make some money just for you to spend?

One more thing: I have learned that if I do make a change that affects someone else, I have to be ready to quietly but firmly stand my ground if I get resistance from the other person. For example, let's say one night you decide to get a babysitter so you either go out or rest while s/he watches the children. Now let's say your husband comes home and is not happy to find a babysitter at home. What will you do? You could tell him that you needed rest, someone needed to watch the children and you did not see any other way? Suppose he makes it known he is not pleased? You could ask him for other suggestions. If he does not have any, you can let him know that without other ideas that work for you, that you will on occasion need to get a babysitter (or cleaning help or whatever you decide)so that you get what you need. Surely, your husband does not want you getting sick because you are too run down, does he?

Maybe these are not options for you, but they might jump start a thought process whereby you do get some ideas as to how to give yourself some help if your husband will not.

Feel free to disregard any parts of this message that you feel are not appropriate for you.

Good Luck!

J.

Hey D.,

I think it sounds as if you have a pretty good marriage, not perfect but good.

I would suggest that you make time for your self and your husband.

Yes he is lazy and doesn't want to help but your letting him get away with it because you either don't want to argue, or you like being in control of the kids.

I think its both LOL

As for sex, 1 time per week is nto Horrible but if the man wants it then you should give it up,
( after all it doesn't really take that long does it LOL)
Sex is important to men. GOOD sex is important to women.
If your not in the mood to enjoy GOOD sex, then just have a quickie in the bathroom, while the kids are watching TV.

He'll enjoy it, and you'll feel the closeness.
Sex does create bonds, which it seems you might feel your missing.

Next step is If you don't want your husband to reluctantly watch your kids,

SAy you have a doctors appointment.
I do this every other weekend,
I gives me a few hours to myself, money to spend LOL,
and he doesn't feel annoyed,about having to babysit,

( You can say your seeing a nutritionist for your diabetes or prevention of)

Or a Chiropractor, Whatever.

As for going out, well I would say let him go,

Support group-- D., I am part of a local moms group,and we have a Babysitting Co-op where we take turns watching eachother kids,

With that time you and your husband can enjoy a nice quiet meal out, go to the movie or have a night In.

M

You, D., are a ROCK STAR!! Two small children and you manage to keep your household clean and fed, too? That is HARD work! I'm sorry your husband doesn't appreciate what you do, and I hope he comes around. I don't have any words of wisdom as to how he can do that -- I bet other moms on this site do -- however I just wanted to give you a pat on the back for being so GREAT!!!

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Hey D.,

If there is one thing I have learned in my almost 50 years is happy mommy, happy home. Your husband sounds a little like Ward Cleaver (Leave it to Beaver) and needs a wake up call. Remember people treat us how we allow them to and if you do not stick up for yourself no one else will. Why don't you get a sitter and go to dinner and tell him how you feel. Most times when resentment builds in a marriage sex is the first thing to go. There really is no perfect number for how many times a week you should have sex it is really up to each couple. If you do not learn to take care of yourself eventually you will completely resent him and your entire family will suffer. Express your needs, make your demands, and he will give in it may take time but you don't give in he will. Good luck!!

Such a relationship is only going to continue getting old for you until you feel nothing but resentment for him. Making the money and being a good provider do not make him a good husband OR a good father. I would tell him you will increase the sex when he increases his involvement.

As far as his faces, you need to decide if you want to be an equal partner in your marriage or not. My husband used to go down to his office every night as soon as he got home from work. One night I had had my fill and told him that the kids will only be little for so long and that if he wants alone time he can have it after they go to bed. He changed his behavior and the kids love the time they get with us playing as a family. Same thing with the pouting...my husband used to do it about buying things. One day I finally just had a talk with him and he has completely changed.

You need to tell your husband you aren't happy. He wanted his children too, right? So why isn't he acting like a dad? It means a lot more than just getting you pregnant. There is no reason he can't help you give a bath once in a while, change a diaper, give you 20 mins so you can take a bath yourself, etc.

I wish you the best and hope you end up with that which will make you happy. Our children learn by watching us. You'll see as they get older. If you aren't happy or aren't positive, they will reflect it. The way your husband treats you and them, is what they will learn as well.

He needs to understand that you're doing "everything for the house and kids and nothing for him" because he's MAKING you to do "everything for the house and kids" !!! You need to convince him to help you make more time for him. Don't nag or criticize him about it - doesn't sound like he's the type of person who would respond to that. Show him how it would benefit him. Perhaps you could ask him to watch the kids for a few hours so you could go out and yet yourself nice and sexy for him - then go get a manicure, maybe get a massage or get your hair done, and go to the store and buy some new lingerie. Or maybe if he gets the kids up in the morning, you could have more time to make yourself up and be prettier for him. It'd be a win-win for you, when he thinks it's really for him! Then hopefully as he realizes how much happier and open to him you are when he helps around the house or with the kids, he'd be willing to do it more often. Good luck.

Speaking from experience, sex one time a week is fantastic given the situation you are in. He shouldn't complain about that...

There is a good book called something like "Babyproofing your marriage." It's an easy (and humorous) read and you will total relate to it...

I think it's ridiculous to say that, because you are a SAHM, you must do ALL the household chores and not have any time to yourself. I have a somewhat role reversal home. I work full time with a 70 minute commute each way. My husband works from home. I would never expect him to do all the housework and then tell him that he can't socialize with friends since I am the one making the money. I know first hand that it is 1000 times easier to go to work than to be at home w/ two young children. Not to be mean, but I think your hubby has a bad attitude about it all. I'm not sure what the remedy is except perhaps just saying "I'm going away for a day" (or even just an afternoon) and letting him deal with the kids to see how hard it really is.
I'm sorry you're going through this now. Having young ones at home is so hard, but hopefully in a year or two, things will settle down...

Oh, and in response to your question about whether we question whether we are still in love with our husbands, I think about it every day. I even joke around that I would get divorced but I'm too busy to even GET a divorce! I just keep hoping things get better, but my kids are now 6, 3, and 3 and things are still just as difficult between me and my husband as they were when our kids were little. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that we are both so exhausted all the time... We're trying to plan a trip away just the two of us, but truthfully, I feel like it's a waste of money b/c we'll probably just fight the whole time!

Your husband sounds a lot like the way my husband was when my kids were little. Finally, I put my foot down! I stopped "asking" him if I could go out with the girls and started "telling: him I was. And HE was taking care of the kids and house while I was out. (He will never appreciate what you do until he has to do it!) After all, if I had a "real" job it would not be a 24/7 job! Neither should being a wife and mother be a 24/7 job! I also told him if he didn't like it there was the door! I also told him if all he wanted was a nanny to take care of his kids and a maid to take care of his house, he should never have gotten married! He finally realized I was not kidding and gave in! He didn't have a choice! You need to put your foot down too! If you don't, you are doomed to life this way until the kids are old enough to take care of themselves. And that could be a very long time. You decide if this is the way you want to live for the next 15 years or so!

I am not one to talk since I am also an enabler of hands-off husbandry.... but an idea is to set a time- not a time when you are angry or over tired and talk about equity: that you both work until, say 6pm and that from then on you share the household tasks. Also, that you equally schedule time for yourselves to have fun- and time together- date night.

And as for sex once a week? My girlfriend and I actually have a bet going to try to encourage us to have sex 3x a month... and I think that is a lofty goal! He has NOTHING to complain about- my hubby and I are in the once a month club- not that I want to be there, but hey- sleep wins in my book!

Hi D.
How did it get to this?
When my husband and I were first married, mom's good advice was nothing is ok today if it won't be ok 10 years from now.
There were things I didn't want him to do. Go with guy friends was one. He wouldn't anyway. Nagging about the house work was another. He tried that, and my response was "you don't like how I vacuum, the job is yours" I didn't vacuum for weeks. Yes the floor was a mess, and I hated it but when friends dropped in and the house was spotless, except for the floor, I greeted them with "sorry "J"vacuums and he just got home and hasn't had time"
He vacuumed but gave me back the job. I took it but he didn't do it again.
He likes the mirrors clean, I do them first.
If I were you I would say "sorry, can't shop for groceries with the two kids -- too much -- tonight I go to the grocery store so plan on watching the kids" Oh by the way make sure they are not in bed, or ready, or he must do what you do. It worked like a charm when I had the twins.
Lastly be sure you are letting him do things his way. It may not be your way, your way may be better, but his way is sometimes the only way that job is done at that time.
God bless you
Hope this gave you some food for thought
Ideas began to pop into your head about what you can do.
Remember back in the day, men were only expected to provide and that was the manly thing. Was he raised in that environment.
K. --- SAHM married 38 years --- adult children -- 37,33, & 19 today.

Even us SAHM needs us time. I rarely go anywhere without the 2yo (the 8yo is in school) and even feel guilty getting a hair cut 2x a year. My husband is our only income and he isn't exactly hands off but he makes me fell guilty if I want to do anything ALONE. He works out of the home (night) and doesn't go out with the guys except a few times a year but not because I don't encourage him to. I will have our 3rd child in 6 weeks or less and will again be breastfeeding (I don't do bottles or formula by choice) and "freedom" will be over. I have been making time for me just to do the simple things at home. He takes the 2yo outt side while I "play" on the computer, shower or sort something that is really bugging me. I don't give a choice I just go. He does and it works for us. Set up a time when you know he will be home, make plans and GO!!! Let him know that you need you time and then make and take it. If needed get a babysitter and pay someone to take care of the childen.

As for sex 1x a week my husband would say he is a lucky man that it is sometimes less than that for us. My hubby is only home 2x a week at night and those 2 nights are not always "good" for intimate time.

Talk to hm open and honest and stress that if he was mor hands on he might get "more hands on" time too! That works with my man :)! A.

Hi D.,
I don't know that your husband's attitude is because you are a SAHM. I know working moms whose husbands assume their wife is the primary caregiver for the kids and that she has responsbility for them all the time and if he does, he is doing her a "favor" by "watching" them. It may also have to do with how he grew up himself. Many men don't realize that modern marriages/families are different than what they observed during their childhood.
Being a SAHM means you're caring for the kids during the day rather than going to a job and the kids to a sitter. It doesn't mean that he works 40-50 hours a week and you are on the job 24/7.

I think a lot of couples make a mistake in not realizing that they need to think about and discuss how the parenting will be handled BEFORE the kids are born. Then they fall into patterns and habits that one or both parents regret later on, like mom always being responsible for the kids. You need to let your husband know that this isn't working for your family and is causing problems and resentments on both sides in your relationship. Let him know that you both need to check with the other about weekend responsibility for the kids. Find yourself an activity that you go to regularly, whether the gym, the pedicurist, book club, and put it on the calendar so that he knows he must be responsible. Let him know that your errand day is Saturday 9-12 and he's responsible. Let him know that on the weekend, he is expected to realize that the kids need lunch, diapering, etc. And then, let him do it. Don't jump in with "I diaper them after lunch, not before" or "I make them eat their vegetables before their chicken" - he is in charge and an equal parent and not required to do it your way.

Let him know that your day is exhausting and women aren't typically up for sex when caring for a baby and toddler all day. Maybe if you invest in a crockpot, throw dinner in there (or order a pizza), once or twice a week, use recycled/recylable paper goods and have DH be in charge of cleanup, bathing and putting kids to bed, you might be more amenable to some intimacy in the bedroom since you'll be more rested.

As for his comments about you not getting any say because you're not making money, this is a big issue. He doesn't view you as his equal and doesn't view the services you're providing for your family as valuable. It's not good if your husband only sees you as a potential paycheck, and this is what you may need some counselling for.

Good luck

Oh D.,
1st- the quilt thing when he wants to give you that look when you ask him to take care of the kids, that is when you say well want to know how I do it here is your chance. Pick up purse say "I love you and walk out the door". The quilt comments will never stop. And if he makes the comments I make money you have no say then that is a major problem. That is when I got up and found part time job and said u have to babysit. Last I knew we made these babies not just me(you the female). Sorry time to get tough and talk back. And the sex thing I'm lucky if I give it to my hubby 4 times a month. That is when I said when u start holding me or kissing me or back rub without intensions after then maybe I'll give more. You have to feel and be a team, and u have to feel like a person to even think about not being tired. You may have everything any1 would want but it is not the material things that make you happy. I gave up so much time of my life for every1 else. Now it is a habit thing and can't say no. So I just don't want you to get in my habits.
Good luck and stand up and be straight forward with him.

Well D., just an opinion....I was there, and heard the same items. If you really do love him and want this to work, get counseling BEFORE its too late. May sound silly, but it is a wonderful venue for both of you to get out what is going on inside your minds and hearts. I unfortunately waited too long and was done. I went to counseling and found it to be wonderful, but it was too late. Now I am a SAHM and single. I would hope you could get thru this and not when you or he is done. You need time together, away from the kids and have couple time. It is very important. You need time with your friends and so does he. He needs to know how important this situation is to you, how you feel and what he says...how it makes you feel. He needs to hear you and you need to hear him.
About the intimate time spent together...that is very important. If he isn't happy at home, you don't want him to go elsewhere. He needs to feel as important as the kids do. Put him first and see what happens. I just don't want to see you in a divorce situation which should be your last straw. I will tell you, it's not a nice place to be. I hope you will work things out and sit and talk once in a while - no fighting, just listening to each other. Good luck. I hope for the best for all of you.

I am sorry D. you have to go about parenting like this "alone". How could you even have sex with him, let alone 1X a week? My husband would consider himself a lucky man to get it that ofen and counts the days. My husband works long hours and travels and still has time to spend with his daughters. He has been trying to arrange a fishing trip for the past month, but doesn't have time and would hate to leave us. Do not enable him any longer. Tell him to be the SAMD while you work that way you can have the say. The purpose of a marraige is to work together. Plays cards with his friends after work, then wants you to have sex with him, he needs to grow up!! Again, I am sorry. Go get some counseling if not for the both of you for yourself.

maybe try marriage counseling? if he won't go, you should go.. It's not fair what he is doing to you.. Even though he works outside the home, you work 100 times harder inside the house!!! he needs to realize that! yes, you don't get a paycheck per sey, but you are home with your children every day which is great! they say that if y ou were to calculate what a stay at home mom would make if she got a paycheck, it would be $150,000!!! so tell that to him!! not to be mean, but he doesn't sound like that great of a man/husband/father. Are you happy in the marriage?? if not, definitely go to therapy, by yourself if y ou have to... maybe a trial separation to wake h im up and see what he missed when you and the kids aren't there???
good luck!

Maybe if your husband reads the attached article
http://edis.ifas.ufl.edu/HE137
or other literature and studies on the positive impact an involved father can have on his child's life, he will want to take more of an active role as a father. A lot of men falsely think that young children just need the care of the mother to be healthy. If you have daughters I would suggest 'Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters by Meg Meeker.

Some fathers just lack the confidence in their ability to care for small children. If you put him in situations where he has to care for the children without you to lean on for support then he will eventually get more confident and will probably really enjoy doing it.

As for improvements on your marriage, I'm sure you have already gotten some great advice. I would suggest you try to communicate how you truly feel without placing a lot of blame on him. It is so important that neither you nor he gets defensive in the conversation or neither one of you will truly hear what the other is trying to say. Give him specific examples of how he can help and tell him what you would like for him to do. Put it is as positive terms as you can so that he understands that you are not attacking him, but that you just want a stronger and happier marriage. In turn ask him what makes him happy in the marriage and see if there are things that you can do to make him happier.
Ask him to put aside his time playing cards with friends etc. for two weeks to be a more involved father and spend more time with the family. He will probably enjoy it and find it more rewarding than he thinks.

I wish you all the best.
B.

PS. Yes, my marriage has been through ups and downs in it's 20 year history. And each time we get through one of those hard times we come out with a stronger happier marriage. A great marriage does take work, but it is so worth it!

I think its time for Daddy dearest to have a reality check. Let him whine, but take some time for yourself. Go out with your friends for an evening, work up to leaving him with the kids for a few days (like a long weekend). He'll survive and his relationship with the kids will become stronger. Also, as the the he makes the money bs -add up how much a cook, childcare, laundry service, maid, etc would cost him and give him a bill the next time he says that. You're supposed to be in this together, not separately in the same house. Talk, talk talk, it rally works, Good luck to you,, I've been where you are and you CAN work this thru.

D., I can't say that I am married to a man like that, but I have learned that communication is a BIG issue in marriages. You questioned in the response whether if we ever felt that we didn't want to stay married....well, I know there were times I didn't like him, but you know what?! Down deep I did and I still love him dearly, but I can't go by how I feel because if you based it on your heart and when he hurts you or make you feel unloved or say this or that, your heart will say, nope I don't love him and if you dwell on it it will come to that in your marriage. Marriage is HARD work and divorce is not an answer in our marriage unless he or I did something not Biblical...have an affair and if one of us do that and don't repent and stop then divorce comes into the picture. I couldn't do that to him nor myself nor to our children. Also, marriage takes two people too, but if he doesn't work it out with you, you hang in there and say, "I am meeeting with (your female friend's name)this coming Friday night" and that is that. If he says he needs to go out, say okay, you go out Saturday night. Or you can say okay, let's go out Saturday night. Try and see if you can get someone to watch your children. Or make it a family night for all of you :) Baseball game or bowling or something fun and active for all of you.

While I only have one child age 6 months, I can relate somewhat to what you are saying.

It's important that you take some time for yourself before you go crazy. while your husband may spend 8 hours of the day making money for your family, you are working 24 hours a day for your family and you don't get a paycheck for it! your job is just as important if not more so than your husband. if he gives you an attitude or makes a fuss about being with the kids for a few hours or so, let him fuss and then go and take care of yourself! you have every right as well as a need to take some time to do what you want. it's important to your family!
The great thing about your husband's day is that it's over at 5pm. when your day ends, your night begins! Your husband must spend some time with his children or he will regret it! remind him that they are his children as well and they need time with him. Don't feel guilty for taking time for yourself, as I said before, you need it! it's important for you and your family!
Good luck with your children (including your oldest a.k.a your husband ;)

love and light,
L.

Your husband sounds a little controlling. I think your husband needs a reminder that he gets to leave his job and have down time. YOU do not. He needs to know that you appreciate that he is the breadwinner, but you need some appreciation, too. He is taking you for granted. If you weren't doing anything for him, than he wouldn't have clean clothes,a clean house, home cooked dinner or sex once a week! Perhaps some couples counseling? And if he won't go, you should go yourself.

I certainly would not lie to him and I would NOT listen to the first responder (at the very bottom).

Hi D.,

Just read your update. Good to hear that you guys are working on these issues! Now, if you are questioning your feelings for your husband, I would suggest this: find a trusted family member or friend to watch the kids, and steal some time away together. Sounds to me like it's not a question of whether or not you love your hubby, but that you have been in "robot mode" for so long, that you two have disconnected somewhat. Having time for just you two without the distractions of everyday life should do just the trick. If this is not realistic, then a date night should be added to your schedule on the regular basis. and once he starts pitching in more and you have some energy back, nightly "you" time (whether it be sex or just good quality conversation) should help bring that spark back.

Best of luck to you both!

-Jen S

Mary K., your response made me gag.

D., it sounds to me like you guys are on a different wavelength and would really benefit from some couples therapy. It might be easier for you to let him know what your thoughts are and having an impartial third party there might make him less likely to try to invalidate you. He works outside the home, but he can still help out in the home. You don't work outside of the home, but that doesn't mean every aspect of your life should be your children and your husband. You need time for you and he needs time with his children and wife. A therapist will help you both work on better communication and ways that you can work together to make your relationship work for both of you.

Hi D.,
Communication is the best weapon in most marriages.
Just the way you explained to us about how you feel, how he makes you feel when he doesn't help and the consequences to you being always tired: no sex..., Do you think you can tell him all that?
I believe we can tell you so many things, we can even teach you to sex-cheat (with you hubby), but that won't cure the problem. You need to let your husband know how demanding all those things are to handle, and from the way you sounded, you are excellent at handling them.
Many people have a huge misconception about SAHMs (I'm a SAHM too), they think we sit at home all day watching Soaps and Oprah's re-runs. If you like to read, you'll have learnt that our "jobs" as SAHMs is double or more compared to the 9 - 5 kind.
Just find a perfect time to talk to you hubby. Let him know that you need a little life, a little You Time to recharge and get all the sexual appetite back.
Good luck.
L..

Hi D., I'm sure there are many women in your shoes. Have you spoken to him about this? Some men get more involved when the children get older. I have raised 5 and mostly did everything. The father of the first 3 was a jerk, a big baby himself and even jealous of the children. The second is by far a better father but worked very late hours. As far as the sex, if it is important to you, you will find the energy but maybe you are not happy and do not want to get involved. My advice is to speak to him and let him know that he will some day regret not bonding with his children. My best, Grandma Mary

Your husband needs to get a clue to how hard you are working! I have a 3 year old and a 5 month old and it is way too much for me without help. My husband helps a lot and we still both have to work hard to get everything done. We recently started the 3 year old in preschool (not the easiest adjustment for him) and found a high school age babystitter/mother's helper for once a week. I would definitely look for a babysitter--you can train a teenager to do things the way you want before leaving her alone with the kids. I had this job for 6 years with the same family as a teenager and the family became lifelong friends. I had fun with the kids and a little pocket money and the mom got her night off (the dad was an MD and worked long hours).

You might also have a conversation with your husband that he will miss out on his kids early years and spending time with them now will build a good relationship with the kids for life. Some people do have a hard time relating to kids under 3 but it is definitely a learn by doing kind of thing.

Wait a minute, are we married to the same man?? :)
I think most couples have these issues and it's hard. Is he easy to talk to? I ask because my marriage was all perfect and wonderful...until we had our first child. That was the roughest time of both of our lives...trying to fit this new role of spouses AND parents and we started to have the same problems you described and one night, I just had enough and ordered us to sit down and talk about our feelings rationally instead of snapping at eachother. It actually worked for the most part. We both kind of respect what we each do during the day now and he's a much bigger help with our son. Also, where is your time out of the house? You need to make sure that if he's getting to spend time away from the family with friends, that you get the same privelege! You're allowed outside too, away from the kids and house!

Anyway I would tell him you want to sit and talk one night about these things, I know most men shudder at that thought and I really thought my husband would also, but he was happy because I wasn't nagging or yelling, we simply talked about these things. Oh- and try and schedule a date night every couple of weeks. (or more if you have the resources/sitter!) We try and get out together 1-2 times a month and that makes a huge difference.

Good luck and just know that you're not the only one in this kind of marriage. Let me know if you ever need to talk.
Lynsey
PS- regarding the sex, he should be THANKFUL he get it once a week. Some husbands travel for 1-2 weeks at a time, like mine, and we only see eachother on the weekends these days. Between our toddler, squeezing in family time, and house stuff that needs to get done, sometimes we don't get any intimacy at all. He needs a wake up call in that area. Tell him to start paying for a babysitter for datenights and maybe you'll feel more in the mood! :)

D.,
i think you need to put your foot down now before this goes on your whole (married) life. does all he do is play with the kids? he needs to be a partner in raising your children - next thing he may blame you for how they grow up. you need to talk seriously to him about how you feel adn you need to make sure you make the time for your self, whether with friends or just getting a pedicure. do what you need to do to get a break. leave him with the kids for 2 or 3 hours and maybe then he'll understand how difficult it is to take care of the kids, not to mention everything else. good luck.

I'm reading the book, "The Five Love Languages" and it's a good starting point for articulating why you feel irritated or isolated or even unloved. What's also nice about it is that it teaches you how to love our husband in ways that he can most appreciate -- so you two reading it together is not a form of complaining, but you can honestly say that you're not just trying to get more out of him (you sound like you already appreciate what he is doing) -- rather, you're trying to learn how best to love each other.

Try the book -- it's a quick read and gives some good ideas.

You need some ME time. Can you go out for coffee or drinks with your girlfriends every so often, just to clear your head? Plan ahead and ask hubby to be with the kids while you're out. When you get the look, just remind him that he goes out as well, and you need this. You really do. It gives you the opportunity to exhale, and gives hubby quality time with the kids. Also, set aside some time to kick it up a notch in the bedroom. Can you have someone watch the kids a few hours on the weekends starting with once a month. Go out together and rekindle your relationship, be it the movies or whatever. A happy mommy makes a happy household. Good luck.

I have two step-children full time and two additions to our family ages 5 and 3. All four kids keep me moving with sports, playdates, picking-up, dropping-off, the house, the laundry, the grocery shopping, etc. I never took time for myself up until last year when my husband and I almost divorced. So happy we didn't. You need to make plans one night - the children will survive - mine did. I now go out at least once every two weeks - I don't worry about cleaning the house all the time - I worry more about doing for the kids. The "man" jobs are his - don't take out the garbage....don't do the yard work - tell him that if he would like more sex you need to have some help - you are not wonder woman and if you continue on the road you are on - resentment is going to build and your marriage will suffer. Give it to him straight......marriage is a partnership - he can't say I make the money and I'll do what I want - tell him if the house and all in it is your responsiblity then he needs to check with you "the boss" before he does anything. I wish you luck - it took 6 months of my husband and I sharing weekends in the same house before we realized what we were going to throw away. Your husband needs to plug into your marriage and your children.......