He Works but She Works HARDER

Have you tried talking to him about it? Maybe he really is tired and stressed out from working 2 jobs. Try getting a babysitter so you two can spend some alone time together.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I could give you some advice about how you shouldn't have let yourself get in this position in the first place, but that won't help you now that you are.

So,the very first thing you need to do is move out. If you need to get a job to pay for daycare or move in with your parents, then do it. It's obvious that you are not ready to marry this man, he's not ready to marry you, and it sounds like neither one of you are financially ready to get married either.

You are not going to be able to change his mind about helping out. All you can do is voice your opinion. All you have control over is your own actions. And in particular, if he's not helping you out now before you are married, it will only get worse after you are married.

Mind you, I'm not saying cut off ties with him. He needs to be in your daughter's life, and if you love him and are committed to him, in your life too. I'm saying take control of what you can, be independent, and self-sufficient.

Try doing things together -- put that cutie in a stroller and take a walk. Window shopping at the mall is a very low cost way to be together. When your little ones are still very little that is your hardest struggling times for both money, intamancies and a few moments peace and quiet. But it will get better. Be supportive of each other and help each other first. Find a trusting mom and swap some quiet time for each other. Thats always a cost free babysitting method. What mom would turn you down!!!

I understand how you feel, and we went through a similar struggle with our babies. In fact, back in college i learned in a child development class that the NUMBER ONE difficulty for couples when they have a new baby is the division of household labor. I remember thinking "huh, that's kind of strange, not the first thing i would think of..." but now that i have been through it i totally agree. there is just soooo much work. laundry explodes, the house is always a mess... and you're at home all the time so it's hard to be surrounded by chores that seem endless.

it's hard to feel like you have enough privacy for intimacy with a baby ... they always seem to need something, and once they're finally sleeping you're tired too or have a million things to get done in that precious "alone" time. you're afraid the baby will start crying, or the baby's in your bedroom, or whatever reason. they do get more independant as they get older, they start sleeping through the night, and they entertain themselves more so they don't need you constantly. so it won't be like this forever.

a few things that helped us A LOT, that i highly recommend: going out together and leaving the baby with a friend/sitter. it makes a world of difference to just be able to talk and connect. also just doing something for yourself every once and a while. recognize that he needs a break from all that work, but so do you. talk about how you can both get your needs met. I started painting once a week, and it made a world of difference just to know i'd have that time by myself to be artistic and do something i love. my husband put the baby to bed that night. in return, i took care of the kids once a week so he could go play sports with some of his friends. the rest of the nights were a team effort, and we were both happier feeling like we both had a night off to look forward to. also, it's just hard to get a babysitter at night... with bedtime and everything... so we started going on lunch dates every once and a while without the kids. it was lots easier for the babysitter, and we could look forward to that time. i'm not sure what kind of job he has... maybe lunch time would be a good time to get together? or even for him to spend some time with the baby, so you can get something done by yourself?

another thing: i just talked to him about how frustrated i was with the chores. he was willing to change diapers, but never offered or did it on his own-- only if i asked him to, which made me feel like a nag. same with laundry, vacuuming, bathing, everything else. he told me he thought it was my responsibility and since i knew where things were at (ie when the laundry had been done last or whether the floor needed sweeping) he thought i should be in charge. i told him i expected him to be a little more proactive and not just wait for me to tell him what to do. so i gave him specific things to be in charge of-- he washes the towels, and cleans the master bathroom, and empties the dishwasher... those sorts of things. we talked about a system that would help get everything done. it's helped. but his mom always cooked, cleaned, raised all six kids.... she came from a family where the dad didn't EVER change a single diaper... so my husband just expected me to be like his mom. anyway, he's been more willing to help and is good at doing the specific jobs we've agreed that he should do. he also takes diaper duty on weekends when he's not working, since i change them all the time most of the week. it's awesome! :)

good luck. hang in there!

Sounds like dad may want to consider looking for a better paying full time job and leave out a second job. You deserve a break too. If you have to, find someone to watch your daughter for a while and go out for a bit. My husband works from 3:30 pm until who knows what time. He is a diesel mechanic and is on call 5 nights a week. It is hard for us to find time to do things together. I feel the same way about feeling like I am the only one raising our children (we have 3 boys ages 10,7 and 4). You and your boyfriend definitely need to find time to go out together and make time for intimacy. He may be having issues now that he is a dad. I know some men that would not have sex with their wife after watching child birth because they don't view the vagina as being the same as it was before and it steers them away because now they are grossed out by it. I would suggest sitting down with him and talking to him. If that doesn't work then you both may want to seek counseling before the relationship sours. Good luck and I wish you the best.
D.
I am a married mom of almost 12 yrs. with 3 boys ages 10,7 and 4.

Are you ready to go back to work yet? If you have better income potential then perhaps you can propose that he quits the lesser paying job and you go to work. Money, childcare and time with your daughter are all valid reasons. Certainly so is the fact that you feel taken advantage of (chore wise) and like you need a break from her--that certainly plays into the intimacy. If you are tired, worn out, touched out from a baby and resentful then sex is waaay down on your radar. You guys need to have a frank discussion about needs and expectations. I've been married 10 years and it was hard for us also the first 6 months or so as I stayed home and we needed to navigate through this same type of thing.

C.,
Are you sure that both of you have the same values and believes? Staying focused on your goals is so important because when that is lost it feels like you are in a tailspin of neverending fighting and issues. Have you thought about going back to work yourself? See if you can make more money than him and maybe lighten his load outside the home. If you are both working, then he is going to have to pitch in around the house and it is more of a partnership. I'm not saying that being at home raising your child isn't an important job, but just a thought. Have you tried scheduling a date with just the two of you? It allows you time to discuss your problems without worrying about it being a fight. Maybe you both can find middle ground. Now for being intimate...have you discussed this at all to get reasons? I know when that has stopped for me in my relationship, it usually is because he is mad at me for something deeper than I realize. I usually make a point to plan a night of it after baby is asleep so he doesn't have a choice. You start it because waiting for him will never happen! Good Luck!

This may sound strange, but one day when he gets home sincerely tell him how much you respect what he does for the family, going out working 2 jobs and everything. I know we have the harder job, believe me I know, I have 4 little ones and I've felt like a single parent in the past. But when he knows that he has your respect, something men crave, then watch him change!I know there may be some built up resentment, frustration, etc., it may even be hard to find something you respect about him, but it's worth it to find even something small. I've been reading Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs (it's a Christian book, if that matters) and in it he says that women need to be shown love and men need to be shown respect, in order for the marriage to run smoothly. I have put it into practice and believe me it works; there is relief where there was burden, security where there was instability,peace where there was bitterness and resentment,communication where there was stonewalling, and easy intimacy where there was disconnection. I know you think, why should I have to make the first move; but you recognize that there is a problem, and are probably mature enough to handle it. This is a great tool to get you and keep you on the right track; it will also open up lines of communication and lead to discussions about budgeting, finances and the like. My husband has been more loving and helpful and talkative than ever. I recommend getting that book, he can also read it. Give it a try!

Hey C. - I read all your posts and you got a lot of good advice. Although I did not agree with the "just leave him" one. Lordy! Marriage is all about give and take and it is a lot of work!! Don't give up. Find a way to talk to him about how you feel (without blaming him) and have both of you come up with a viable solution. Its all about communication and compromise.

D.
www.GoGreen4Health.com
www.Succeedlikeme.com

What type of work does your finasay do? he might want to check into a better paying job. has he heard of primeria before??

I think it would be beneficial if you worked part time, so he can drop one of his jobs. Hopefully you can find inexpensive childcare or have a family member watch your baby while you work, so you can both be home at the same time. Another option would be to cut back on expenses, but this can be very difficult. Your relationship is suffering and will fall apart without spending time together. I've been there, and am now divorced because my ex worked so much we barely had a relationship and I felt like a single mom. Happily, I remarried an awesome guy who doesn't work outside the home very much. It's amazing the difference in the bond between my husband and his child we have together and even his step daughters, than with my ex and the kids.

Have you talked to him about it? He may not realize how over-worked you feel. Explain that his over-time out of the home translates in to your over-time in the home and that you need a break as much as he does. If he could come home and spend a little alone time to unwind and then take her so you can get some down time, it would help out a lot.

As for sex, put your daughter to bed and then initiate it yourself and don't take no for an answer! It will seem forced the first few times, but the more you have sex, the more you will have sex! :)

Well, this is heading down a very wrong path unless you two begin working at it. If you're not being intimate, then you're not connecting with each other like you were before you became parents, and that can and probably will come in between you.

Once you become a mother, you really have to learn how to do marriage maintenance. I swear, it's the best way to describe it. It's so easy to say "I'm too tired. I want some me time where noone is touching me" and all the other stuff that comes along with not having sex. But, we're not all of a sudden ONLY mothers. We also are still wives, girlfriends, fiances, and friends. It doesn't seem fair all the time that there is so much responsibility on our shoulders, but it's just the way it is. I always make sure me and my husband have sex atleast twice a week. I'm not always in the mood, but no matter what, I always feel very close to him if we're having sex regularly, and that's what's really important about sex to me.

I understand you said it's not you that is the reason you're not having sex. Well, honestly, he may be struggling with feeling inadequate from not being able to fully successfully support his family. As a man, they need to feel successful and they need to feel like a good provider. Two jobs would really really suck, and he probably needs a break JUST AS BAD as you do. Try to remember that when he comes home and you're bummed about him being too tired to play or help take care of the baby. You need to both decide what's important, and then decide how you can meet each other's needs. If you don't, it is only going to get worse.

When my kids were babies, my husband worked 12 hour days, 5 days a week, then went in on Saturdays also. He has never had to do anything around the house, including bathing the kids, cleaning, cooking, anything like that. It was hard at first because I felt like you, I NEED A BREAK! But, after I got into the routine, and our sex lives got back in order from having two babies 15 months apart, I really began to understand and acknowledge how much he was giving up to enable me to stay at home with the kids. If your fiance weren't working all those hours, you would have to take your kids to daycare and get a job. Instead of feeling bummed about how things are, try to be grateful for them, and go from there. Get that intimacy going again though for sure! It makes things so much better~!!!

C.,

In this type of thing it is a give and take.... My husband now udnerstands how hard it is to stay home with the children (he has been on a medical leave since Sept. 2007) I work and try to pay the bills. He gets his Short time dis. checks in the mail but you never know when they come.

Being a stay-at-home mom/dad is VERY VERY hard! It is like working non-stop. I see myself wondering why all the dishes are not done when I get off work. Or why are there toys all over the house.

This is when I know that I have to sit down and take a breather. I talk things out with my husband. I understand that he is tired of having the kids all day he needs time away. So I now don't mind if he leaves to get a fresh breath of air when I get home because I know when he gets back he will be in a good mood.

Working 2 jobs is hard also. but if he is not making enough ask him if it would be a wise thing to try to get 1 good paying job. Or just have 1 good paying job and maybe then you could work (if you wanted to).

All Moms/Dads need time away from the kids. I have found my time away from my kids I go to the gym. I work out for 1-2 hours 3 days a week. I find myself in better moods with my husband and my children.

Just remember the saying "If mama ain't happy, No one is happy!" Very true. Moms need to take care of themselves just as much as their husbands and children.

So when he comes home hand over the child and go for a walk around the block or drive to the store or visit your mom ect. Just do something.

Good luck

C. - I am a stay at home Mom of three children, ages 16, 14 and 11.
Boy do I know what you are going through! Before I had my son, I was just a regular working girl, my husband working basically the same hours. We shared the housework, loving the fact that while I hated doing the dishes he was fine with dishes. He hated cleaning the bathroom, and I was fine with cleaning it. Perfection! Not quite so after our son was born. First of all I had no idea it would take so long to become accustomed to staying at home - besides staying at home with an infant. I exclusively breastfed, so my husband didn't have to get up at night. That was my choice and I never regretted it. But....what happened once hubby got home from work? He cracked a beer (which I couldn't have with my breastfeeding and all..) and talked about what a rough day he had. Rough day? I would tell him that at least he could have a scheduled lunch break when he wanted. He could eat an entire lunch without having to put it down to feed a baby or change a diaper. He could shower when he wanted, he wore a clean shirt every day that didn't have breast milk stains on the front. He looked at me like I was a lunatic. After many months, I figured out what was really going on. I was involved in a competition: Who worked harder? Who was contributing more? Many of the arguments were of my own making. He didn't seem to understand how damn hard it was raising an infant. We finally sat down and had a long talk. I wanted to know why everything had fallen on my shoulders (cleaning, shopping, caring for baby) when before I had the baby and had a "real" job, we shared the chores? He got a dumbfounded look on his face. He thought that since I was now a "housewife" that everything around the house would be my job. And only my job. Well.....it took a bit of slow, even tempered talking, but I finally got him to at least think about what he was saying. I asked him to think about how many hours a day he worked and how many I worked. Yes, he had a job outside the home, but that had staring and ending hours. I didn't have the luxury of that. Mom duty is 24 hours a day. I asked my husband why he deserved to have time off (a quiting time) but I didn't.
My suggestion to you would be this: Ask your husband-to-be the same question I asked mine. Don't ask for an answer immediately, but have him sleep on it. Bring it up again when you have time to talk (I know, like you have time with a 5 month old!). Believe me, I'm not blaming you, but you also have to ask yourself if you feel like you're competing with him. This is one of those situations where no one is right. Things are just different. Once I finally came to the conclusion that I was doing a great job, could look at my smiling happy infant and see he was happy, I just had a moment of clarity. I was doing a good job. I wouldn't let my husband make me feel like I wasn't working as hard as he. He just didn't get it. He couldn't, because he wasn't doing the job 24/7.
I don't know when your hubby to be comes home from work, but I would suggest that you get out of the house when he comes home. If only for a short time. If only for a walk around the block to clear your head and take a deep breath - uninterrupted.
I wish you luck. I had three children 5 and under nipping at my ankles constantly. I had no babysitter or neighbors to help me if I needed. My husband finally "saw the light" and helped when I asked him to. He still doesn't really help with the housework, but he does do the dishes! Just remember that you have the same rights as your husband, and if you need to get out of the house, then put on your shoes and give yourself the break you need.
N.

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Hi C.,

This may sound mean, but not intended. If you have someone who could watch the lil cutie for a few hours, go get a part-time job. You will get a needed break and some extra money. If he works 2 jobs and you still can't get by, then perhaps reevaluating your living expenses may be a good idea. Getting rid of unnecessary bills will help so he has more time with you two. You might try to find a church group for moms or a MOPS group!! Hate to say it, but if he is too tired now and so are you, it isn't going to get better. When she gets older and wants to do things, and has school activities, she will need both of you. It may be too late to change him then. Make sure he is still on the same page. Any wedding date yet?
Good luck to you all!!

From a widowed mom of one (7 years old now--been a single parent since he was 13 months)

Hey C.,

My heart goes out to you because I know this is hurting you as well as frustrating you.

If you feel you need to be home with your daughter then I would continue to try and make that work. Its not always possible, but I have found that if its where God wants you- he will provide that for you. I would also continuing trying as hard as you can on your relationship. I know you are trying, I just want to encourage you to endure. Having a baby(I have 3 children) does indeed change everything. It IS the most selfless thing you will- being a parent that is.

Not to "defend" your husbands attitude or actions, but I do know that some men(as well as women) just arent comfortable with parenting. He simply may not know how to do it-- some people seriously dont! I know this b/c my stepdad didnt know how to have a relationship w/ me and my sisters b/c he didnt grow up seeing that from his parents. You fiance' in no way can understand what all you do and how tiring it is, just as you cant w/ his job. This is where teamwork comes in. And if you BOTH love each other and are both committed to making this work then I would greatly encourage to work on the relationship. Every relationship at some point needs help and marriage is an ongoing relationship that needs on going work. Again, not all of us are naturals at this. There is an organization called Marriage Works here in Dayton--my husband and I have gone here for counseling. All of their services are free from what I understand. They have counseling(individual and couple), marriage classes(which offer free dinner and free childcare), and overall relationship improvement opportunities. Their hours are flexible in that some nights they are their til like 7 or 8. I will give you their number just in case you decide to try it- ###-###-####.

So hang in there. But remember also, that if he isnt committed to making this work, you cant force that. You just have to work on yourself and do whatever you have to do to keep from sinking and to take care of your daughter.

You are doing the right thing in asking for advice. So many times we think we can do it all by ourself and we just simply cant. So keep trying and dont give up.

Take Care
J.

I've read through some of the other responses, so I'll just add a little bit to them.

I know that once a week isnt realistic, so try at least once a month to have a "date" night with your fiance- no kids, no chores, no stress. When my husband and I first started this, it was like "yeah right, no stress.. How do we pay for a sitter AND a night out?!" Well, try Grandmas or Aunts and Uncles. Try church friends- make a deal ( I take your kids for a few hours, you take mine for a few hours a different night). Then try to find activities that are cost-free or low-cost. Especially things you did together BEFORE the stress of parenthood.

As for the sex issue, someone else hit the nail on the head, I think. Men have egos about supporting their families. If they feel they are feeling at that one basic thing, their "performance" is one of the first things that suffers.. Make sure he knows you appreciate how hard he tries. Remind that you're in it together, that you're there to share ALL of the burdens with him, he doesnt have to carry it all himself. Make sure he knows you understand his position.

Men are just like women- they have to feel needed, loved, important, appreciated, listened to, understood.

From the day (after) my first child was born, I made it clear to my husband that while I LOVED that little baby, I was IN LOVE with him. I have always made sure I put my relationship with him first. If I dont nurture my marriage, it will be worthless for my kids to have been put first if mom and dad are divorced or just plain unhappy.

My husband and I have been together almost seven years and we still have sex daily. (Even when it has felt like a chore, I have tried to remember how important it is for both of us)

I bet if you met him at the door over the next week or so and helped him to your bed, tucked him in and told him to "rest up, dinner will be done __Oclock, take a nap, I love you" he'll appreciate what you're doing for him and will be eager to do things for you that will help you around the house and give you the time you so badly need for you.

All moms need a break. Sometimes we have to give a little to get a little

Have you tried to get a job working the opposite shift as him? It would save him from having to be too tired to function and it would get you out of the house. Both of you could share the house work and parenting "chores". Not to mention it would give you the break your looking for. I went back to work and absolutly love it. We work different shifts but we still get 1 day together almost every week and if we are off different days we get to spend the AM or PM together. Its has done alot for us personally. If schedules overlap a little bit you could find a sitter for a couple hours a day. It would still be worth it, in most cases, for you both to work. Just a suggestion
S.