Need Advice on a Comment My Husband Made

You failed to mention if he is helping around the house, sounds like you are as busy as the rest of us. Maybe he should hire you some help if he isn't willing to help himself. Or hire a babysitter or relative for a nice weekend away.

I know his comment hurt your feelings but did you ever think that you rejecting him hurt him also?

GIrlfriend,
I'm with ya. I know that comment hurt. Truthfully, and I've been married 19 years so trust me on this one, you're going to have to give him grace on this one comment.

Grace is favor we don't deserve-- so remember that he can't earn your forgiveness when you give grace-- you just GIVE it. DOes that sound too easy to you? Please consider the ramifications of NOT letting it go.

It was hurtful, but it was a remark made out of hurt. Hurt people are going to hurt other people, it's just true. Don't let this cycle of hurt continue, or you'll hurt HIM and then he'll hurt you again, etc. That's a cycle that DESTROYS families.

I'd give him a free pass on this remark. (Yes, without him "deserving" it. You may need grace in the near future, remember!!!)

And begin working on solutions-- there are plenty of them out there! (I have a few ideas if you need help for that.)

Now-- any further remarks and you'll need to have a longer conversation, and possibly speak to a pastor or spiritual advisor who can help y'all break the cycle of hurtful remarks.

Girl, you're rocking the world-- and I know what it's liek to do tons of stuff! I work full time as a corporate writer, I freelance about 20-30 hours a week, I sell jewelry and I run a women's Bible study (writing the curriculum, of course!) as well as help my husband pastor a church -- incl marriage help sessions! Long live the Proverbs 31 woman!!!! FYI-- I need my husband's grace almost daily!!!!

Good for you for getting input!!!

Glad to talk more!
J.

Hi M.
I have two kids also and believe me sex is not my choice after a long day.
I think your husband is speaking out of frustration. Bless their hearts, our husbands just don't understand why we can't compartmentalize things, but that's not the way we are made.
But! I am in the middle of a great Bible study with a book called "Intimate Issues" and we have a group of 8 ladies doing this. It is really helping my outlook on sex. I am becoming more selfless with myself and trying to take care of my husbands needs more. It might be a great resource for you. I hope this helps.

I know it hurt, but it doesn't sound like he said it to hurt you. It sounds like he said it to reach out to you - out of despair, to let you know that he is struggling with that lack of intimacy and is concerned it could be permanent. Consider it a gift that he shared his feelings with you in the best awkward man-way that he could. Take it as an opportunity to open a dialogue by saying "I've been thinking about what you said the other night, and I think we should work on this." You'll probably feel better if you can talk about it more. Just an apology won't resolve what caused him to say it in the first place.

A super busy mom of 3 like you, my husband and i schedule our time together. It sounds so ridged and boring but...... This is the place we are in right now. One thing that we said when we planning on having kids and we have stuck to is...we have to take care of us as a couple first or there will be no us. We had both been thru a divorce either with our parents or ourselves. We knew that we did not want to be a statistic. We wanted to beat the average and stay married. We liked each other enough to get in so we knew we had to work to stay in. That is why we ship the kids off once every 6 weeks for a complete weekend alone. Sometimes we run off to do something fun or we stay around the house and work on a project. We are lucky, we have family around to help and i know a lot of people don't. Find a good sitter, trade off with friends. Just making time for each other socially take a lot of pressure off the sexual end of things. A new thing we added to our crazy schedule this fall that has been nice is that the girls go to our church youth group on wednesday nights. After i drop them off my husband and i run off to dinner alone. We catch up and plan our week and weekend. It is only about 1.5 long but now we look forward to that dinner.... And no mcdonalds. Good luck! Remember, if it weren't for 2 of you there woudl be no family.

In reading your request I felt that you are leading a busy life, but that is what you have chosen to be most important. In order to have a happy married life you must choose to put your husband's needs first before you choose things outside of the home. You are the one that can keep his love or lose it. This is the choice you alone have to make. If you can keep him happy and in love with you, your relationship will be a happy one that your children can grow up in and this is something no one else but you two can afford for them. My husband and I have been happily married for over fifty years. I hope you and your husband can be happily married this long, too. R.

I definitely understand that your feelings are hurt...if your husband is like my husband he can roll over and fall asleep within 10 seconds, but I would be up another hour thinking about what he said. If he apologized, and you think he meant it, accept it. Forgiving is what we do when we can't forget. As for not being in the mood...its 100% understandable...and I while I would never advocate doing something you don't want to do, maybe don't be so quick next time to immediately shut him down...I am sure he is tired too....and you might be surprised how a little affection, not only sex, may be just what you need to be rejuvinated too! Good luck!

I'd be bothered by the comment too. Have you asked your husband for help?

I'll be honest - I had to hit mine up for chores when he was attempting to score in order to get help for awhile.

As in, hey honey - you want to get naked? AW CRAP - I just remembered.. I have to go wash the laundry / switch / stain stick / put up.. or load the dishwasher or mop the floor or whatever.

It took a couple of angry nights, but one day I came home and it was all done. He got nookie that night.

Well, somethings got to give! You are too young to be having a sexless marriage!It wasn't nice of him to say that but most men are not into deep discussions about life. It was his ways of expressing his hurt feelings, not the most mature but there you have it. We all express ourselves in imature ways at sometime or another.
You can try to have it all but while your children are young that's almost impossible with out a live in helper........So is the nursing career important right now? cut your hours? Cake decorating, can you cut that back? Does this carry over to the weekends? Your hubby needs you as much as the kids do, just because he is an adult does not mean he does not need you physically and emotionally. A womans job is never done is too true, and I don't mean sex is a job, or at least it shouldn't be. Sex is not only a physical release for a man it's also a emotional outlet, while men are stuffing down thier feelings all day, women are free to express theirs in a lot of ways. Take time to nuture this part of your marriage, you will NOT be sorry you did. Take time for a date night that is a night just for you and him. Get a sitter (if money is tight trade off with a friend etc...) take some couple time. It is one of the most important things you can do for your marriage and husband. He was the one you married and was there before the children and will be there after the childern are gone. Not to say that our little ones are very precious for they are. Just stop and pray and think what is important, people or things. Things are nice, and in this day and age every one tries to keep up etc.... but in the end you'll see PEOPLE , our dear ones are the most important thing, FAMILY is most important. Nuture you hubby and you will find other things falling into place. I promise. I have been there and it's hard to break habbits.

J.( married 33years and still counting)

I think its time for a "date-night" with your husband. Get a babysitter (preferring relative cuz their free, lol)and woo your husband with a great dinner, perhaps a movie, and a night of just you and him. That should bring him and you some well needed romance.

been there ____@____.com,,u can email me:-)

My DH always says stuff like that to me. I just tell him that I'm sorry our marriage has changed from the Newlywed Phase to the Tired-Parent phase, but it's just a progression in life. We will soon be in the Empty Nest Phase, so why not enjoy where we are at now.

And if he wants me to be less tired at night, then he needs to help in any way he can. :)

M.,
Sex is about as great a physiological need for him as sleep is for you, so think bout if you had to go for days without sleep--that would be very difficult on you phisically and emotionally. He was probably just speaking out of desperation, not anger--you know how you are when you are exausted--you say things you don't really mean that you wouldn't normally say. I have 4 kiddos 6 years old-5 months old and I work part-time from home as well. What I have found is that if I am too tired one of two things will take place--I'll give it a try and usually I wake up and enjoy it or I tell my hubby that I am really tired, so how about a quicky (which takes little to no effort from me, is over in about 5 minutues or less and satisfies my hubby's need until another day when we can do "the whole shebang"). Sunday afternoons are usually a great time to tango while the kiddos are all napping (napping is mandatory on Sundays at our house!). Keep your hubby satisfied and you will be his diva and that will keep him from going somewhere else to be fulfilled. From a happy wife with a happy husband.

P.S.
Ask yourself if there is something that you could cut out in your life to help make your hubby more of a priority than a second fiddle. My guess is that you would rather have a happy marriage than earn that 2o bucks decorating a cake or something else. Make him feel like #1 in your life and he will do the same for you. It is amazing!

Dear M.:

This is not really advice, but perhaps you could show it to your husband. When my children were little, I was stressed out, touched out, and pooped out. Sex was not always something I was interested in. (Especially when my husband seemed to expect a perfectly kept house)

Now my children are older and I just went back to work full time. While I am still stressed, my sex drive has awakened!

I think that some of this has to do with the fact that since I have a profession, all of the household duties do not fall to me. Now that he is helping out more, he can see that it is alot of work.

The other part of the equation is that I can relax a bit. My youngest is 12. He will survive if I have dinner with friends or run to the grocery store. In addition, my children are not so needy, both physically and emotionally.

Now I feel like we are on a second honeymoon, except perhaps better because we know each other so well.

Try to make time for each other (and sex) a priority, but know that it is normal for women to have a waning sex drive when they have young children. Just like the moon, it will wax again!

M.,
I am the mom of 2, a 13 yr old boy and a 10 yr old girl. I work full time in an office, do most of the cooking, housekeeping, laundry, shopping, homework help, ball practices, etc. Oh, did I mention my mother-in-law is in the house also and doesn't feel the need to lift a finger to help? I completely understand the fatigue thing and no interest in sex. We used to be in the same rut and my wonderful husband couldn't understand what the problem was. I finally sat down with him one evening and told him what one day was like for me, on a light day none the less. After I got finished explaining my day to him, I suggested that I might have a little more energy if I had some help. We talked about everything and now he does a lot of the running for the kids, cleans up (he gets home from work before I do), and sometimes even cooks a meal or two. Just that much of a change has made a huge difference in our entire relationship. We are more intimate and I have a stronger feeling of appreciation and devotion towards him because he has made the effort to help. Sometimes a small talk, not a complaining session, makes all the difference. Sit down and let him know how you feel and if he is an understanding person, he will be willing to help take at least a little of the load off of you. Good luck!!

Its funny he said that, sometimes I think people think just because its a certain way now doesn't mean it always will be that way. I think guys don't get that alot of times we want it as much as them if not more. You may have to find a way to fit him into your day, like in the morning before everyone gets up, or take a nap sometime in the day so you can be awake longer at night. Another suggestion is start a date night get a sitter and go have fun together, or take the kids to someones house and you have fun at your house. Marrage is work and sometimes you have to work hard to make time for one another. Good luck!

next time your hubby comes on to you - tell your very typical husband that your new idea of foreplay is washing the dishes - or giving the kids a bath and putting them to bed - or doing the laundry...

you get the idea -
and he will too.

when I 'catch' my hubby cleaning up after dinner - I always tell him there is nothing sexier than a man doing the dishes.
He loves being called sexy and gets the message that I need help all at the same time.

Do not feel guilty, every working Mom in America has been on this side of the bed more than once, LOL. Here are the results of a new study- men are helping more than ever with the home and children--- a whopping 30%. That means
that every Mom who works outside the home is handling
70% of everything that maintains the home in addition to
the job. In fact, some family experts are calling "helping" the new ,ummm,lead into sex. Sounds funny, but if a woman feels appreciated she feels more like having fun and less tired. SO, no guilt for you.
If you are a traditional household you might share this
information with your man. He might surprise you. IF your man already helps you might try what I did when my kiddos were small. Schedule a MOMS night out. Then GO. Buy a book,
walk around the square, shop for foundation wear that looks like a lucious bit of nothing and then wear them under your jeans and tee shirts. Whatever makes you feel good. OR, go out with your husband but NO TALKING ABOUT THE KIDDOS or THE FAMILY. This is very hard to do, but you can rediscoiver each other also. I did both. My husband was shocked at how much work the kids were, and we had fun.
Good Luck.

Oh, my goodness... I bet every woman has heard, or will hear a variation of that comment at least once in her marriage. My husband and I were literally living like roommates... existing in the same house, but nothing more. I finally prayed about it, and voila, everything changed almost every night. The main thing, is that I made up my mind that I was gonna spend more time with him, and if it meant stopping what I was doing, and joining him in the shower, then I would do that. Stop making dinner, go into the room and lock the door and turn up the music, then I'd do that. Sometimes it's those quickie, "hurry we have 5 minutes before the kids will come looking for us..." kind of moments that are the best... Good luck girl!

Make the time and plan a DATE. Go out to dinner and get a babysitter. Every Friday. It will be something you look forward to. Or, Saturday. Good luck.

Mention to him that you would be interested if you weren't so tired, and did he want to do half the chores, or maybe cut out some of the things you buy, and you cut out one of your jobs, and see what input he has. With kids your age, running a household and being mommy tires you out and is a full time job in itself. I think you will be missing out the years go so fast, and you won't be able to enjoy your kids or your husband, which I am sure are your first prioriety, you may have to give something up until your kids are a bit older, an take it up again later. I've had four kids and I wouldn't trade more time with them, and less (things) for anything.

WOW - hard situation to be in. Just from your post, I would say he is lonely. I totally understand your need for sleep. Honestly, I would really just let it go, in my experience, when we as women, try to over analize a statment made by our spouses it just makes things worse. I am not saying just let me off the hook - because maybe he could help out with or more with the house and kids, to be able for both of you to make time for each other... I guess what I am saying is talk about it and try not to let your feelings over take you...I know I allow that sometimes, and I end up hurt myself, but if I look at it as a solution to resovle and we make time to find that solution - it always turns out better.

Also ask yourself if you miss his touch as well...I truly believe that - that intimate time refreshes the marriage as well as the soul...

Hope that help?????????

why not have a talk with him? tell him that if you had more help around the house that you might be awake at midnight to give him some loving. my man does 50% of the child care and house work, among other reasons, becaues he knows it makes me that more likely to be in the mood when he gets the urge at 5:30 am before he has to go to work. you scratch my back, i'll scratch your back. ;)

I think it's important to understand that comments like the one your husband made come out of his own insecurities and fears - they are not personal slights. It's very hard not to take things like this personally, but if you can learn to keep the comments at arms length then you will be better able to work through the real issues underlying the comments. Intimacy is important in a marriage, but intimacy is two-fold: physical and emotional. The emotional intimacy must be intact in order to be able to experience and enjoy the physical intimacy in a relationship.

I'm not going to pretend to be an expert - I've been with my husband for 14 years and we have seen a therapist together at least three times over those years. Each time, we come out of the therapy more confident in our relationship and more in love with each other. I want to give you a reading suggestion given us by our therapist, "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch, Ph.D.. I have not myself read the book in it's entirety, however the portions we have addressed in therapy have been invaluable to us as a couple.

Hope this helps. I wish you many years of growing together and loving each other :)

M.,

I'm also a mother of two, ages 5 and 9. I work full time as a computer technician, maintain the house, pay all the bills, take my son to his soccer games and practices, etc. So like you I'm a very busy person. I know exactly how you feel about not being in the mood for sex. You mentioned that the comment your husband made hurt your feelings. Well....it also hurts a mans feelings when he is rejected in bed. Sex is a very important part of any marriage, especially for the man. I've learned from experience that a man will only go for so long being rejected before some woman comes along that will give them the attention they are needing, and although it might never be intentional to hurt you, they seem to react before thinking. So I would suggest that you sacrifice 10-15 minutes of your time and give him what he is asking for. I've had to do this myself several times, and after the fact I actually ended up enjoying it. I try to keep my husband happy by giving in at least once a week, and I've noticed that my own drive has increased over time. If you think about the fact that you devote your time as an RN taking care of other people (strangers) two days a week, and making cakes for strangers the rest of the time, this shouldn't you devote 15 minutes out of your week to the love your life, your husband? I hope it works out for you, and trust me I do completely understand.

I will preface this with I don't have any children yet so I don't know what it is like to manage through life with little ones... That said my husband and I both work 60 to 100 hours a week (depending on what's going on) so we are perpetually tired. I would strongly suggest scheduling time for sex. I know it sounds very unromantic, but you can be creative about it. Set a time and rendezvous in the bedroom. It will be odd at first, but it is worth it.

Your husband probably understands that you are tired but he does need your affection and love in the form of sex. I think that is just how men are wired. They love us, they are proud of us, they know we work hard, but they need validation that we feel the same way and I think they often get that validation in the bedroom. Also, it will be good for you. A good meeting in the bedroom is very helpful in relieving stress. To be honest I am not always very excited about sex when we start, but I am always glad when we are done.

Try having sex in the morning. It works for me and my husband.

We hear you girl, you are beat.
These other ladies have covered most everything, but I would like to say maybe you could consider an early morning quickie or you could shower together. He needs to know that you still want him even if you have a lot on your plate. Since you have 2 kids you know that things are going to just get busier when your baby starts walking. Do your best to make time for your marriage. And please know that I am right there with you, drained and crazy. (And my husband knows I may hit him if he tries to wake me up at midnight for action- this will probably never happen though since he gets our toddler to sleep and usually falls asleep himself.)
Good luck.

Maybe you should take a day off have a date night and have someone watch your kids away from home. Try an hourly daycare if you don't know anyone. Get some fun pjs or toys and surprise your husband. With 2 little ones you may not have time to do the deed much but it is important you make time for it occationally. Get your nails done and a massage so you can feel relaxed and rejuvanated before hand. I never want to have sex when I am exhausted and it sounds like you are most of the time. You need a day of rest and fun :)

Hey M.! I am sure he was trying to vent by saying that and maybe in the back of his mind was hoping you would change your mind after the comment was made. You have every right to feel hurt by it, but at least he apologized rather than being defensive. And--alot of men might have started a huge fight about it. But I am not taking his side. He should not have made that comment. Men sometimes forget how DRAINED we are at the end of the day! :)

It goes both ways. Your comment hurt him, his comment hurt you.

With kids and a busy schedule you might consider planning sex dates. That way you both know when you can count on it and be prepared. It might sound un-sexy to plan but it's better than hurt feelings and frustration.

Hmmm - can anyone say de ja vou? My husband and I just went through something very similar. I am a SAHM of 3 - 4yr old boy, 2 yr old boy and 7 mo old girl. Needless to say, I am worn out. Until just a few weeks ago, I was still getting up at least twice a night to nurse. My DH and I had a very frank discussion when we realized that we were basically just living in the same house. It was a very hard, emotional talk. We both needed attention from each other in different ways, but we HAD to reconnect. I agreed to be more open in the sex department, and he agreed to lower his expectations and help out more (he is VERY type A and lets just say that I had become his cleaning lady . . .)
Try to compromise with him like others have said. Have him put the kids to bed while you have a little time to relax and get ready for the moment - have a glass of wine in the bathtub, candles and music, buy a really pretty nighty to wear.
Guys love a job to do. If you tell him that cleaning the kitchen for you after dinner (or folding the laundry, feeding the dog, picking up toys, yada yada yada) will get him more time in the sack watch him fly through there like his butt is on fire! ;o) And then don't worry if it isn't done to your standards, its done right??
Trust me when I say that you can avoid worse problems down the road if you talk this out SOON!!! You can avoid the discussion that my DH and I had - we skirted around the "D" word - and reconnect with your hubby.
We are back on track by the way, and the little bit of effort I put forth to make sure we were intimate has made a big difference. Be creative!
HUGS -
L.

his feelings are probably equally as hurt. As women we tend to be emotionally needy and men physically. We all know sex why we have sex, what it means etc. We all know as women we occasionally need a nice compliment or flowers. Even if our men don't undestand it they still do it... occasionally. Case and point. Men need their "compliment or flowers" in the sac. Yes they have to just understand sometimes but so do we. So try to let go of it. Just remember the time you didn't get your flowers on Valentines Day & how you felt.
Hope this helps