Marital Dilemma

J.,
First of all you need to know that your problems are all fixable, but it will take time and faith in God to build this.
Love is not a feeling that comes without action. You must act the love and then the feelings come. If you get the book, "Fireproof" and implement the 40 days, you will start to feel love again. Also, you should consider throwing away any old feelings ~ both from passed hurts that your husband did not cause (because this is unfair to hold him accountable to things he had nothing to do with.) and also to anything in the past with him. You have 3 kids. You don't want a divorce. You have NOTHING to loose by giving him time, forgiveness and letting go of the passed hurts that he has caused. Even if the hurt occured yesterday.
You vowed to love this man through rich or poor, sickness and health, better or worse till DEATH do you part. Pretty perminent. If you meant your vows, then that means the icky things too. There's no black or white when it comes to death ~ so put your mind set in the position where there's not an option for out. When you do that your mind will invent ways to solve the problems.
Turst me, you do NOT want to be raising those kids alone. It is horrible for all those concerned. It is NOT fun and the grass is NOT greener. It is a hard life and whatever is going on in your marriage, if he's a good man like you say, then everything else can be fixed. LET IT GO and start over - today - with the man you made promises to.
Also, if you get the book "Created to be His Help Meet" and read it with an open mind. Close your eyes and jump into the deep end of the pool with all it suggests in the book, then you may feel a difference in how you view your husband. It's a radical book, I know, but take from it what you're comfortable with, and implement those things.
I've thrown a lot of things at you ~ very sorry. I left my first marriage and my 2 boys will never be completely happy because they've missed out on a healthy relationship with their father. My second marriage almost ended because my husband had an affair. I thought we had a great marriage. I didn't know he was unhappy. After reading both the books I've suggested, and implementing the things in there, my husband is coming home this weekend after 2 years of separation. I would not want it any other way.
Please feel free to contact me if you want to know more about these books. I just think your marriage doesn't sound so bad and that you're letting things get in the way of the healing process. Things that are from the passed and cant' be changed anyway. Let them go and move forward with yor family.
God bless and best of luck. I hope you find peace and happiness soon.
D.
P.S. This is too long to proof read, so forgive any errors! :)

Forgive him. Look at him with new eyes. If he's making an effort, go with it. You can't keep going back to the past. Yes, he may revert to old behaviors someday, but you can't allow that to cloud the present. Men feel love when women are physical with them. You may not feel like it, but it IS the way to show HIM that you love him and he needs that right now (even if you don't feel the part). Withholding it, only makes the gap deeper and there's no reason to. Don't "perform", but don't go into it with the attitude that he's just getting what he wants either. TRY. Ask God to change your heart and the negative thoughts. You only have the power to change YOU - he's working on himself - give him the benefit of the doubt. By holding on to the stuff from the past will only continue the hard feelings and resentment - let it go. It's not contructive. Good luck

He cannot demand that you "fall back in love" with him. For four years you asked for his help, he declined, complained or ignored. He mentally abuses you with spying, hacking into your e-mail and accusing you of cheating. Could he be the cheat here??

When he realized the error of his way, he demands that you love him? It takes time. Start out slow. Try one date a week. Leave the house and go some place just the two of you. Explain to him that you are trying but that you cannot be on his time table. Telling you that you aren't trying hard enough or that showing him affection will help fix this is not helpful. Notice how he says "you aren't trying hard" "Show me affection". It is all about him. You do not trust him. He lost that trust when he disengaged from the family. He is the one who needs to work harder. I suggest you both go to counseling together and separate. Good luck!

Is your husband open to marriage counseling? If so, I would make an appointment with someone and see what happens.

Women need to feel loved and appreciated. They need to feel security by their husband. You have not felt this for a very long time and those feelings have withered - but perhaps not died.

Although your husband is no longer the exact person you married many years ago, he still possesses a lot of the same things that made you fall in love with him then...and that took time.

Have you considered a seperation period? That in addition to marriage counseling may help.

Even if your husband will not go to counseling, you need to go to counseling. You commented several times above about how YOU need to fix this, how YOU need to respond, how YOU should do this or that.....marriage is a 2 way street and YOU are not in this alone.

Good luck.

Hi J.. First, I applaud you for standing up for you and really, your kids; monkey see, monkey do if Daddy can I can too. I know this b/c after 15 years I was where you are right now. Then it was 3 more years and finally 2 therapists b/c he said he could change and not do that anymore (he had years of anger/respect & control/trust issues). First therapist was ok but after 4/5 months did not say what he wanted to hear. And when he the therapist expressed concern about his anger he was done with that one. The second nailed it right on. Marriage is like a 3 legged stool. One leg is respect, one trust, and one love. The seat is your relationship. Love will be the last to go. Then the seat is sitting on the ground, you as a couple have to see if the legs can be built back up. With a therapist who is an excellent, christian person, as the one I had, you can really got to the heart of it.
My situation is not a fairytale ending as the marriage really was long gone by then. But the counseling was extremely helpful as the therapist gets to the point in each of you so that you both can make the best decision for yourselves and your kids. I am so much happier now and wow, so are my kids.
I have felt like you do and don't know what would work for you. Pretty much this is what I do know: that kids see and take in more than you think, a person alone does not have to be responsible for everyone elses needs & problems, and one can only bend so far. I am a christian person with feelings, emotions, and a brain. I treat others as such and expect to be treated as such.
I strongly urge you to seek counseling,not just for the problems in the marriage but also to help you sort through your feelings and emotions to make the best decision for you and your family.
Many prayers during this time for you and your family.

I've gone through something similar. My husband's behavior hurt so much I decided to detach myself from him and live my life under the same roof but with a plan to learn a skill, get a job, and get independent before any drastic changes. When he finally noticed he insisted to get back to "normal". I just told him what happened, how I felt, and that it was going to take time to reconnect. Things have gotten better. What helped is the fact that I lowered my expectations - if he doesn't want to help or spend time with kids then, it is his lost, his choice. God is giving me the opportunity to enjoy my children and care for them, the kids need me and I need them... that's what matter the most.

I am sorry you went through this but good for you for sticking with it!!!!!!! Glad your husband is seeing the light and willing to make changes. When my husband and I were going through a major funk, one thing that hekped to hear was: the problem did't happen overnight so it won't change overnight! You keep making positive changes BOTH of you and eventually your heart will follow!! At first you just tell youself to do something and then after a while of doing it you will start to feel better. Hang in there and keep talking it out! Really HEAR and LISTEN to yhou husbands side and have him do them same. It will come around, it will just take time to get your good marriage and trust/love back! Hang in there!

J.:

I am just going to throw out some suggestions and thoughts and hope that they help you in some way:

1. Your husband may be lashing out at you b/c deep down he is mad at himself. He sees his behavior, but sometimes the hardest thing is to admit when we ourselves are in the wrong. Having said this, I am not justifying it. We all like to be kids every once in a while, but there has to be balance..... Hubby just got a little off balance.

2. He probably thinks you are cheating b/c he knows there is a lot lacking. And, he wonders why you would dare stay. BUT, he doesn't want to admit that either.

3. The hacking and spying......not cool. BUT, YOU are not the only one that should be seeking counseling. You should seek marital counseling together and the counselor will probably want to see each of you individually too. That would be wonderful for both of you.

4. Yes, it can be fixed. You can do it. Lots of people have rekindled a relationship such as yours. There are no relationship killers (ie - drugs, drinking, cheating, etc). It's just two people who got caught up in their own agendas and the daily grind. I can tell by the way you speak of him that you can fix it. BUT, one thing I have learned is that you have to make a conscious decision to let yourself love him. It sounds crazy but it's true. You have built a wall to protect your feelings. You have to say, ok - I am going to let the wall down. It might be awkward at first b/c you have grown so accustom to having no affection (give or take), but it's not a stranger....it's a man that you once shared love and affection with and it is completely acceptable to do so again...... Discuss with your husband that you want that spark back....the one you had when he was "courting" you..... It sounds like he is really trying - though I am not advocating for him. BUT, divorce is hard! VERY HARD! So, you owe it to yourself to know that you tried.... that you tried everything. Plan "date night"...every week...one night per week....if at all possible. Or, maybe every other week. If you go to your family and tell them you are trying to put some pieces together, they will hopefully help you (if you don't have or can't afford a sitter). Also, put the kids to bed at 9:00. Get hubby to agree to help you do everything that needs to be done (dinner, dishes, baths, tucking in, etc) and make 9:00 the start of "the parent's time". Pick a show on tv that you like to watch and snuggle up to watch it, or a ball game, or something you dvr, or a movie, or spend it playing cards or the video games you like to play. Just make sure it is somethiing you are BOTH enjoying and BOTH wanting to do. It will become the time you look forward to. I tell my kiddos, "Hey - I do for you guys all day every day....lots of things for all of you. BUT, at 9:00 it's time for Mom and Dad to have some peace and quiet time to relax and do what WE want to do." And, when they are still up at 9:01, I remind them that they are cutting into MY time and that if they don't want me cutting into THEIR time (by sending them to bed early the next night) then they better beat it! I have had to send them to bed early a couple of times, but after that, they knew I meant business.

I wish you the best of luck. You are obviously a great wife and great mom and genuinely great person. Feel free to email me if you want.

Oh - and one more thing.....date night doesn't have to be expensive. Go play putt putt golf. Go see a movie. Pack a picnic and go sit by the lake and watch the sun go down. Go bowling. Go play laser tag. My hubby and I love going to The Main Event (it's fun with the kids, but it's a whole new fun without them!). Or, stay home and play cards, or a game, or whatever. But make the night about the two of you....rebonding.....give it a whirl.....you might find a side of each other you never knew....after all, people grow and change over the years.....this doesn't have to be a bad thing.

I so wish you all the luck in the world and would definitely love to hear back that things are getting better!

Ok.....one more thing.... (sorry I got interrupted so many times writing this)..... it's important not to harbor the past.... look forward.... learn from the past but leave it in the past. This is a problem I struggle with but am finally learning to let things go. I always tell my children, "Watch where you are going, not where you have been. You can reflect later when you are sitting still!" Of course, I am usually telling them this b/c they are walking forward but literally have their head turned and not watching where they are going. But, hopefully, you get the drift. Your husband didn't intentionally do anything to hurt your feelings on purpose.....and I am sure we are all capable of accidentally hurting ones feelings.

Best wishes!