ANOTHER Cheating Friend?why????

C.,

It's sad, but it does happen more than we want to think. I've never cheated (on my husband or even a boyfriend) but I was close. I'm very proud to say that I made the right choice and stayed faithful to my marriage and husband.

Coming from someone who was on the verge, I can tell you that it's not a good place to be. In my case, my husband was just unsupportive at a time I really needed him. I tried talking and talking to him about the issues I was having. I suggested counseling and he wasn't very receptive (if he wasn't receptive, it wouldn't have worked). I begged, pleaded, cried, yelled, threatened...you name it. Finally, I admitted to him that I was looking for townhouses to buy on my own, that woke him up and he listened. Thank God, because I really didn't want my life to be without him.

While I was going through this period, an ex-boyfriend of mine was doing the same thing with his wife. We started talking/venting more and more and we both started to imagine a life together. After spending some time with the Ex, I realized that as exciting as it was...I didn't want it. He was an "ex" for a reason and it was clear. I simply wasn't in love with him at all. I loved and cherished my husband.

This was about 5 years ago and we got through it. At this point, we couldn't be happier. Although my husband knows I was talking to Ex (and I think deep down he may have an idea), he doesn't actually know how close I was to being unfaithful, he doesn't need to.

I'm telling you this from this point only so you can understand that it does happen and it doesn't make your friend a bad person. She's making a bad decision, but maybe she has hit rock bottom with her husband. I used to say, "If it's that bad, then leave." That's not always the easiest thing to do, though. In my case I was still very much in love with my husband, but he wasn't giving me what I needed in a time that I needed it. Luckily, I was able to show him how much I needed him to be there for me and he was able to change. Three years later when I miscarried - twice, he proved to me that he can be there for me.

If you are close to this friend and you would like to keep her as a friend, reach out to her and maybe try to help her fix whatever it is that needs fixing. I think you'll find that she will appreciate you being there for her. I guess I wouldn't be so quick to judge at this point. Now, if you reach out to her and she insists on just talking about the "other man" all the time and doesn't seem to have any remorse or guilt...that's a different story. But, at this point I'd suggest a one on one lunch with her to try and be there for her. Your support may be just what she needs to get back on track with her family.

Good luck,

T.

Ok, so how is it acceptable to have sex with someone else when you are married? We're not talking about an intimate conversation or a cup of coffe here. You are right to be disgusted about your friend's behavior and it's not that you don't care about her reasons (e.g. blah, blah, blah), it's that there IS no acceptable reason to do this. You need to find friends that have values similar to your own.

I completely agree with you that cheating is wrong PERIOD!!! Regardless of how unsupportive a husband is acting, it is HER choice to cheat, and along with that comes the lying and deceit! Whatever problems she has with the relationship, she could handle the situation honestly with him...cheating is HER choice to do wrong. Even if he has done something wrong, two wrongs do not make a right and because he is not doing something she wants him to be doing, does absolutely not mean you should be supportive of her cheating. You can support HER without okaying cheating. You don't need to walk in her shoes to KNOW that cheating is WRONG. It's okay to be upfront with her that cheating is wrong, while offering your support, encouragement and maybe suggestions on how to better handle her current issues. As humans with our personal wants and desires, we all have struggles now and then, but that doesn't change the marriage promise that was made. SHE broke that promise...it is not his fault that she broke the promise. We all marry other humans. Another human is not capable of filling somebody's every need. Just as she feels her husband is not fulfilling her need, so this other man will be unable to fulfill her need because she is the one struggling evidenced by her cheating. How is she helping with his needs by cheating on him? It's a two way street. Marriage partners are meant to be helpers for one another and she's surely not helping the situation any by cheating. The sooner she's honest with herself and him, the better, as she is currently living a lie.

Some harsh answers here! I don't blame you for wanting to distance yourself from people who are making decisions you don't agree with, and it does you and your husband no good to spend time around couples whose lives are in turmoil.

It does happen to good people, but no, it's not "normal" for couples with kids to cheat. It's not just a violation of marital trust, it's bad parenting and it's a mistake. That doesn't mean they are horrible human beings, but it does mean they're making crappy choices right now. Probably because they're hurting themselves, but what if they had to explain that to their child? Get the divorce first, people.

My advice: try to be a supportive friend - from a distance. Be friendly and busy for six months. I wouldn't lecture - your friends know that they're being crappy about this, but they aren't in a place where they can listen to someone else tell them that.

While I do not condone cheating, I must say, you obviously did not really care to hear what reasons your friend had. You just immediately judged her. Have you never done anything in your life that would make some one else cringe? I think you are being too harsh, too quickly. Frankly, it is her life, not yours...and none of your businness. If you don't want to talk or hear about it, then tell her so. But to cut her out of your life for a reason that really will not affect your life, I think is harsh. I am not trying to be rude, really! I would be in shock if a friend told me the same thing. But I am not the person to judge her for her decisions in her marraige, nor would I throw away the friendship.It's not like she cheated on you! Are you that much closer to the husbands that you are ready to lose these women as friends? I hope you reconsider this for both of your friends.

Whole heartedly agree with Toni. Again, this is more common that you realize and I think it is all due to a break down in communication between husband and wife. It allows the cheater to "rationalize things".

Again, nothing about what she did is right, but you cannot judge until you have been in their shoes. By saying blah blah blah you clearly don't care what led her to do such a thing and didn't listen to her reasons why.

You must have an incredibly supportive husband to have never felt emotionally abandoned in your relationship. Anyone who has felt this way and coincidentally also had a friendship with a man that felt like it could be more....well, anyone in this situation, this thought would at least occur to them, if not consciously then subconsiously. Whether they act on it or not is where the good/bad choice comes in. It is amazing how easy it is to rationalize it in your head when you feel like no one understands/listens to you, least of all your husband, and it is a short step from rationalizing it in your head and then finding yourself in a physical situation that you don't really want to be in, but is so easy to make excuses for.

You will never have the slightest understanding of why this happens if you can't set aside your disgust and listen to your friend and logically think about how/why it might happen.

If you care for your friend, you will realize that it doesn't make her a bad person, it makes her a person who made a very bad choice. She needs honesty, some tough love, and an ear and shoulder to cry on so she can work through her feelings. I would assume you wouldn't want to be friends with someone who is intrinsically a bad person. Help her work through this and realize her errors and you will be a better person and have a stronger friendship as a result. That doesn't mean you have to condone anything she does. You can tell her you don't agree with it and don't collaborate or help her if she is continuing her deception. Encourage her to end it. Encourage her to have no contact with the other man and forget him. Over time, her addiction to him will fade and if she and her husband work on trying to rebuild trust and filling BOTH of their emotional needs. But do not be a party to any deception. You don't have to end a friendship just cause you don't agree with a moral choice that someone makes. But you probably will want to encourage her to adopt a similar standing on the moral issue. She may already agree with you and feel absolutely terrible about herself right now but not see a way out. You could help her see the light, if you want to help her.

It is difficult to understand entering into a relationship with a person and vowing to love, honor and obey and then turn around and cheat on them. But it is also hard to understand what it feels like to be abandoned emotionally by the person you love and have given everything you have to. I think it feels a lot like drowning and calling for help while your spouse stands on the shore watching without making any attempts to save you. I don't think cheating is right but your friend may have felt desperate for affection and support that she is not getting from home. If there are children involved, maybe leaving is not a viable option right now. Like I said, cheating is never OK but if your friend is "stuck" in a miserable marriage, maybe this other relationship feels like her life line. Maybe you can offer her some support with your friendship and help her come up with a plan for change that is not so self-destructive.

Hi C.,

I can appreciate you being appalled by this behavior and I agree with you wholeheartedly BUT.....as the other ladies have written, you can't judge someone without walking a mile in their shoes. I myself have been in a similar situation with a close friend and as much as I disagreed with what my friend was doing, ultimately, it's her life and her business and as far as a friend, she's a good one to me. I told her that I didn't agree with what she was doing and could not support such behavior but that I would help her find a way to get herself out of the mess she seemed to find herself in. She chose not to take me up on that help and now were still friends but maybe a little more distant friends. When things go bad, and they will, I'll be here to help her pick up the pieces and she knows that. We all make mistakes. Your friend chose to confide in you because she trusts you and most likely she at a point in her life where she needs support, not judgments or abandonment. She's dealing with that with her husband and undoubtedly feels badly about what she's doing, she doesn't need her friends bailing on her too.

In the end it's up to you whether or not to continue this friendship but try to think of the difficult times you've had in life and who stuck by you and who didn't. I'm certain you've had moments where you weren't proud of something you did. How much worse would it have been if those you trusted turned their back on you instead of lending you a helping hand?

And for the record, this is so incredibly common it's disgusting. Sometimes I wonder if people take their marriage vows at all seriously but this also explains the 50% divorce rate. In the end you stick to your morals and principals and ensure this type of thing never touches your family. Teach your kids about morality and marriage and fidelity but don't turn your back on someone who may really need you right now. Good luck, I know your in a difficult position and I'm sure you'll do what your heart tells you.

I do not understand the whole cheating thing. I do no understand what kind of man would cheat with a women who is married. I would have to distance myself from my "friend" because I believe what she is doing is very wrong. Get divorced then do whatever you need but honor your marriage vows. I worked with a women whose husband cheated on her and the only reason she found out was because she contracted a sexually transmitted disease from her husband. To me it is disgusting to sleep with you lover one night and then your husband another night. Find a new friend.

Some pretty harsh words out there. My take on this is that by remaining her friend you feel you are giving tacit approval to this affair. Is that what you really want to do here? Feeling as strongly about this as you do it would probably upset you to try to remain friends. There are no right or wrongs about feelings; how you feel is personal to you. While others here may offer alternative ways to view situations we should all remember that in moral issues we should not try to coerce others into feeling the way we do by implying that our way of thinking is the only true and correct way.

Don't dump your friends b/c of what they do in their marriage. You may want to distance yourself from hanging out with them as a couple though. I have a friend who just married a man she has been dating for 8 years, who have cheated ON EACH OTHER since day one. You need to understand this is no reflection of you or your friendship. Maybe to you her reasons sound selfish, but you wouldn't know because you don't have all the details. She may need you more here soon so all I have to say is no one is perfect, and she probably won't be the last!! Be grateful you are in a happy relationship and faithful to your spouse. You'd be miserable and lonely if you tried to surround yourself with people who were all like you right? I would encourage her to tell her husband, because not only is she making a fool of him by telling everyone, but sooner or later he will find out and will obviously be so hurt, but even more hurt when he finds out she was telling all of their friends. You could express your dissapointment all you want to her, she can't go on like this forever!!

C.: You do not need new friends you need to be a friend. You don't know what she is going through. I am a firm believer of "do not judge anyone." You are right, there is no excuse for cheating, however that is the path she chose and she chose to tell you about it. As a friend you can only advise her to rethink what she is doing but do not just take her out of your life. You never know what you will go through and she just might be there for you.

It is amazingly shocking when you hear of your friends cheating. I also find it shocking to hear of divorce because so many people keep their dirt hidden. I grew up in a very conservative family and used to shut off people that did things that I was taught were wrong. Now I am a little more forgiving. After going through a rough spell in a serious relationship I realized that sometimes you do things that you don't want to. I also realized that while someone may cheat, it is not always because they do not love their partner- but that something is lacking from their relationship and sometimes a serious wake up call is needed to get things back on track. In our case it wasn't cheating but we broke up and things happened- eventually we both realized that we were being extremely immature.

We had friends that got married after going through similar things that we did prior to getting married and she ended up cheating on him and now they are getting divorced. They probably should have broken up before marriage to heal the wounds that were left from the mess before marriage.

I get so angry at people who make light of adultery (call it what it is). I am not coming from a religious/conservative point here. I am talking about decency. You make a committment to a person and then you sleep with someone else. It is disgusting and you do have a right to judge. We judge people's behavior all of the time. I am sorry but there are 1,000 opportunities to say no before you actually sleep with someone- that first glance, that first touch, that first kiss, etc. People who go ahead and have sex with someone with their marriage make a clear decision to cheat and don't deserve your support. I would tell my friend that WHEN she end the relationship I will be there for her. Until then I couldn't maintain a friendship with someone who I so completely disagreed with their morals.

Hi C.,

People do certain things for whatever reasons. However, if you value this friend as a friend, be there and guide him/her. Sometimes people get lost for what ever reason, and instead of being honest in their relationships the partners loose connect with each other. Once there connection is lost, there is room left for someone else to come in. I do not condone cheating; however, I do believe that the person steps out of the relationship for a reason, most often NOT because they do not love there wives/husbands. Most often the couples are not communicating with each other, therefore there is room for someone else to fill the void. Hold on to that friend for a moment, because if you are like me you said something to her and hopefully she has a conscious to stop and be remorseful. People deserve second chances when their judgment is clouded for whatever reason. Your friend in the end will answer to GOD as to why she broke his commandments. Keep in mind "GOD is loving and forgiving for our short comings as long as we ourselves seek change."

Sincerely,

A Wife, mother, and friend.