My husband goes out 2 to 3 times a week and stays out usually until 2 or 3 am....sometimes (twice a year) he will even arrive home the next day 6 -7 am this really bothers me and I had told him so many times that I already sound as a nagging wife to him. He is a good father and helps with thecooking...however his constant late hang outs with his friends are really taking a toll in our relationship. I'm sure he is living a double life as he is one person with me and another with his friends. He never takes me out unless I propose it or after some drama I made. I love him and we have 2 beautiful kids but I feel neglected and not a priority in his life. If I'm not ok with him going out he does not care and does it anyways...I dont know what to do I threated him with getting him out of our room but he does not care anymore and sleeps downstairs... I need some advise am I being too controlling? At least this is what he makes me think...
Thank you to everyone that reply... yes this was my first try in this website usually I dont do this but I really need to tell this issue to someone as I do not like to tell my marital issues to my family or friends...that ususally is not a good idea in my opinion.
I guess my problem goes way back since we met as we are highschool sweethearts.... we married when we bith were 21 and he has always been this way (that is why i dont think is another woman) I just thought that it was because we were still immature. After 2 kids one is 5 and the other 8 he stills believes he is either single or has no responsability at all. I know many of you will accuse me because he was like this when I met him but to be honest when you are young and in love you always hope for the best and that person will either mature eventually or commit to the marriage.
However I had tell him since day one that this is not ok with me before he used to read my mood and see if was ok or n ot to go out but now he just simply doesn't care anymore. I'm ok with him going out once a week. But when the second and third time come in the same week it really piss me off.
I go out with some friends or usually my sisters probably once a month and it was because he actually recommended it for me to ooosen up a little.
I think I need to go with him to counseling so we can understand each other better.
Thank you all for your help I'm glad to know I'm not the only one that seems this behavior as unusual for a married man.
Just for clarification, she did not post the same thing three years ago. She responded today to someone with the same type of question.
I'm with Dawn on this....hubby is getting his fun other places/women.
In a post dated March 2, 2010... you stated this same thing in a reply to someone's post.
Here is the link for that post:
http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/12694969099831279617
ETA: thank you Dawn. That explains it.
Something is not right here. As S.H. pointed out you posted this three years ago.
ETA: Hey folks, I understand the misunderstanding about J.'s posting this before. The QUESTION that was asked by someone ELSE was asked 3 years ago. J. posted her question as an ANSWER on that thread. But she just answered it. If you look at her post you can see the date she posted it:
"J. L. answers from Dallas on April 02, 2013"
See?
She did that because she's new here and hadn't yet figured out how to write on here. When she realized what she had done, she put it in the form of a question, as she should have in the first place.
Just wanted to clear that up with everyone so that you don't give her a hard time about that.
Original:
Well of course he tries to make you think you are the controlling one. The question I have is why you let him make you think that. And of course he sleeps downstairs. He is having sex with someone else. THAT'S why he doesn't care if he has sex with you.
I'm sorry you haven't figured out that you don't have a husband anymore, J.. You have a liar and a cheat and a roommate.
The real question you need to figure out the answer to is if you are willing to live with this for the rest of your life. It isn't going to change.
I don't know if you work outside the home or not. (I haven't looked back at your previous posts.) If you are a homemaker, you had better go out and get a job. You won't get custody of your children if you can't provide for them. With HIM getting custody, he'll get the judge to declare that you have to pay child support.
I advise you to go talk to a divorce lawyer and get advice on how to deal with this. He COULD force your hand by divorcing you. Don't let him have the upper hand. Get your ducks in a row. Do it quietly. It will give you time to plan and decide. And while you are at it, go to counseling alone. You need to digest all of this while you are preparing.
I'm sorry, but you have a disaster here and I don't think you even understand that you do. You may even have an STD if you have slept with him AT ALL.
I hope that you don't think that your children watching their dad do this stuff is appropriate. It isn't, and this is the kind of thing they'll grow up thinking is okay if you don't deal with the problem.
Dawn
Counseling.
Why?
Because this is something that
- would be FINE with a lot of people/marriages
- would be DEALBREAKER in others
You & your husband are obviously on completely different pages as to fine v dealbreaker. And, in my experience & observation, that needs an unbiased 3rd party to negotiate. Or 1 person ends up resentful & unhappy at the sacrifice.
Case in point.... There are military, oil rig, musician, first responder, AA, baseball, etc. moms on here with GREAT marriages who see their husbands WAY less and will think you're nuts for 2-3 nights. There are others on here who have never spent a night apart who will be "Oh snap! No!".
Your marriage, and what works for the 2 of you can't be decided by a commitee. U2 need to work out your own gameplan & rules. But since you're not doing that together, a counselor can help you learn how to IF possible.
I
Lord, can you answer the poor womans question instead of attempting to be detectives, which some of you obviously suck at considering she answered a question today, not three years ago. Please don't quit your day jobs.
My husband used to do that. Turns out he was f *^%ing 3 other women.
honestly. if he invited you when you could go and J. wanted the lifestyle of going out 2 to 3 times a week i'd think this was a personality issue that you had to work on (possibly you have date night once, you go along with friends once, and then he goes by himeslf once) but since it seems he doesnt want you there and also stays out so late i'd think he was either cheating or completely not committed to the relationship and unhappy.
either way the fact he knows your upset and still goes out speaks volumes.
Who knows if you are controlling, but he definitelly isnt acting like a married man
I dont know any married men or committed men ecspecially with kids that do this.
how does he go to work the next morning?
So what if she asked this years ago? That simply means that she is still having the problem and REALLY needs our advice. Dang, yall! Ease up!
Have you talked with him about why he feels the need to go out so many nights during the week? Is he trying to recapture his youth? Does he feel he is 'owed' time out? Either way...what about you and your feelings? Ask him if it bothers him that it bothers you. If not, I would consider counseling/separation/divorce. If he doesn't take your feelings into account for his actions, then that is a very bad sign.
Since he doesn't care about your threats and sleeps downstairs, I fear that he may be cheating on you or is ready to end the relationship and just doesn't have to balls to say so.
I would be open and up front with him AND yourself about the situation....
I'm sorry for your situation, but I have to agree that your husband is not committed to honoring you or the marriage. You are not being controlling and your requests are not unreasonable. What you do next is up to you.
no clue as to whether or not you're too controlling. even if you are, this is not okay simply because YOU are not okay with it. and as half of this married partnership, you should have some input.
i'm sure there are marriages where this would be fine, but it sure would not fly here.
khairete
S.
J. I'm sorry but it sounds like only one of you is in your marriage, and it's not him. This has red flags all over it. If I were you, I would assume that he's cheating. If you want to take the high road, find a marriage counselor, schedule an appointment, and confront him there. In front of the counselor, ask him to show you his cell phone so you can look through his texts. Go through your bank accounts and see where he's swiping his debit/credit cards. Or if you want to be sneaky and drive yourself insane (which is my tactic LOL), there's always spying on him. Have a girlfriend you trust come over some night that he's going out and do a drive by where he says he's going - if it's to a friend's house, is his car really there? If it's to a bar, are his friends really there? Go through his phone if you can, go through his computer if you know how to. Lots of people would not recommend the spying route for good reason - if you have reason to spy, you already have issues that are worthy of addressing in counseling anyway so why lower yourself to spying when you can just confront him?
What would you recommend to your daugther if she were in this situation as an adult? You say that you love him and that he's a good father, but then say that you think he leads a double life, doesn't care that he repeatedly makes choices that you are not OK with, tries to make it seem like your the one with a problem, and sleeps downstairs. How is that OK? How can you love someone who does that to you? How is this a marriage? Because from here, it sounds like he just does what he wants, with whom he wants, whenever he wants, regardless of how you feel about it. He sounds selfish, disrespectful, immature, and manipulative. He sounds like he wants to be single.
Please find a counselor who can help to confront him and get everything laid on the table. You can't and shouldn't put up with this anymore. It's not normal, it's not healthy, and it's not OK. He's not out working, or participating in a sport, or in a band, all legit reasons to be out late on a regular basis. He's pretending to be single while you're at home, holding down the fort with the kids. Time to find a way to tell him to act married or get out.
Only you and your husband know what works for you. This would NOT work in my marriage, but it may for some people. It sounds like it's working great for him, and not at all for you.
Go to counseling. That's what my husband and I did when we came to a place where we couldn't agree on something big like this. An unbaised 3rd party saw the facts for what they were without the emotions involved and got us on the same track again.
Or....like another mom said, do what he does. Go out and stay out all night several nights per week, flip the script on him and see how he takes it.
Unless he's a doctor, policeman, firefighter, or band member - this absolutely would not work for me.
I would get to marital counseling ASAP.
Seriously, too controlling? Stop putting the doubt on yourself and get some professional help.
This is problematic, obviously. How would he feel if you did this? My friend hired a PI and found hubby to be cheating. Sorry.
Do you know why he goes out? My husband is one of those independent types who needs space. He's in sales, and that is a special type all its own. As his wife, I have to understand that every penny he earns depends on the face that he puts forward, and that depends a lot on how he gets to decompress and recharge. Sometimes that means being out in the middle of the social scene (all about contacts). I used to go with him, but then I had a baby. I still go with him when I can, but I understand that he NEEDS it; it's part of his consitution. Is your husband made the same way?
Now, he doesn't go out that often, and he NEVER stays out that late. Your husband seems to be avoiding being at home.
First thing, NEVER sleep separately. If that is the one place where you guys connect, hold on to it, even if you don't touch. Get back in the same bed with him. Don't expect a change overnight. Find a sitter and invite your husband out for a fun happy hour, and talk to him. Don't complain or plead or judge. Just talk to seek understanding of his perspective of what's going on here. I know that your focus is on "What the hell is up with you, dude?" and "What about ME???!!" but you're gonna have to back off if you want him to hear you. My approach with my husband goes something like this: "Hey, I know that this is unpleasant, but I am racking my brain trying to figure it out on my own. I want to give you what you need, but it's hard for me to know what you need if you don't tell me. Then, we get on this cycle of me ranting and you tuning it out. I want off that cycle. Please help me know what to do for us. What do you need?"
Get yourself all sexied up (That'll make you feel better, too.), and meet him out. Tell him that you miss hanging out with him, and ask if he'd like to schedule a monthly date night for you two. Our anniversary is on the 26th of the month. I reserve the 26th of every month for us, modifying when there's conflict. Sometimes that means that we plan time out. Sometimes that means that we take advantage of something else that's going on around that same time--movie passes, somebody's birthday celebration...any opportunity to be out of the house together for grown-up time.
It'll feel like you're doing all the work for a while, and you likely will be, but somebody's got to do it. It's not about taking score; it's about winning in the end. When you're in the heat of the moment of trying to get your needs met, it's hard to consider how the other person is feeling or what that person needs. You gotta be willing to do it, though. You have to know who your husband is and what approach works with him. What is your goal? To prove that you're right and to get your way? To gain better understanding of what motivates him? To figure out how to work together so that both of you can feel loved and resepcted and both sets of needs can be met?
Write, talk...(not to/with him) whatever you need to do to calm down and get that out. Then, you an approach him calmly and rationally. He's not gonna hear you if you're frantic or desperate. Or threatening.
no you are not controlling. Your husband needs to grow up and realize that he has a wife and kids to take care of and love. He should not be going out with friends twice a week until 3 am. I would say maybe once a month is ok and he if he is home around 11pm. Honestly, I would be worried about him actually being with a bunch of friends and not "someone" else. Have you met his friends? I would not be ok with that.
If he's out that many nights a week and doesn't care enough about your feelings that he's actually okay with sleeping on the couch, then I'd be wondering whether he's cheating. If I were you, I would get a babysitter and show up at the bar or wherever he says he's hanging out and see for myself what's going on. If he's sleeping on the couch, I'm assuming there's no sex going on and that is worrisome to me.
I think if he wants to go hang out with the guys then on the nights that he doesn't go I'd find something to go do myself. I'd be coming in late or early the next morning a few times. I'd do it just to find out if he would put up with it or not care. If he didn't care you'd have your answer.
It truly sounds like he is not married to you emotionally anymore BUT we aren't there and can only hear what we "think" you are saying in your post.
It's your marriage, so you guys get to decide what works for you, but in my house, no way. We don't' live separate lives. in fact, we rarely go out without the other person. When we have free time, we want to spend it together.
When we first got married, hubby would go to the bar afterwork a liot. He rarely does it now because we have small children, as do his workmates, so they come home to us.
I would not put up with that. It is not appropriate for a husband and father to be going out that often and staying out that late. There is only trouble out after 10. You need to be honest with why you are putting up with this. Is he the provider and you don't have the ability to take care of your kids? Are you scared to be alone? You have to find the value in yourself and decide how you want the life for you and your children. If he can't grow up, then you make the best decision for you. Only you know what that is...
Is it possible that he has a second job? Like the movie Overboard?
3 times a week, every week does seem excessive partying/getting together for a parent of 2 kids. When does he have family time? Do you have the same option to go out with friends while he stays home with the kids?
You don't mention how long this has been going on or the ages of your kids, but if it has been for some time, then it seems a bit late to be changing what the expected behavior is. You should sit down and talk to him. Not in an accusatory way, but think of reasons for him to be home to help.
'Hey hun, are you going to be home Thurs. night? I was thinking we could have a family movie night".
'Hey hun, let's go out for pizza on Friday night'.
....if only this weren't your first question......................
Sounds like your husband has a foot out the door, more than likely cheating on you. I'm sorry, this sucks for you. I too married at 21 and now at 33 divorced. I'd give him the ultimatum and stick to it. If he doesn't change his behavior, see an attorney, you don't want to live like this. Life is too short to live in a loveless marriage, you deserve better. A divorce is painful and the hardest thing I've done to date, but I'm a MUCH HAPPIER person now. Good luck sweetie.
You are married, he needs to act the part. Would he be okay if you did the same? Partner up and deal with this, get counseling if possible.
