Letting Go of Hurt from Childhood

I had no idea how damaging my own mother was. She wasn't abusive. She didn't abandon us. She didn't have addiction issues. But she was cold, aloof, impersonal and distant. She was like a refrigerator - always present, functioning, but nothing that you could interact with. She never came to my bedside if I had a bad dream or was sick. I was hospitalized after a serious accident once, and for a short time there was even a question of whether I might survive or have permanent injuries (thankfully - a great doctor ensured that those possibilities didn't happen). My dad dropped everything and was there every second, but my mom didn't come for 2 days (she said she had to reschedule things on her calendar, which were things like a ladies' sewing club that she attended, and she attended a women's Bible study thing and there was "homework" of a sort, like "read this passage this week" and she said later that she had to reschedule her required reading instead of coming to the hospital). She didn't discuss or even mention puberty or buy my first bra or go shopping We lived way out in the country, and walking or biking to a store was not an option, so I would tell my dad if I needed tampons or pads (before I could drive myself to the store) and he wouldn't blink, just tell me to get in the car to go to the store. She never told me or my brother about when we were born, or what her pregnancies were like, although my dad told us about all that. She did not discuss dating. She didn't go wedding dress shopping with me or do any of the planning. She said that she was afraid that the shops might have flower scents that she didn't like (she was NOT allergic to any scents or flowers). I asked her to buy a nice dress (we had a large church wedding in late November in New England, and my future MIL bought a lovely dress that she carefully color-coordinated, inquiring whether the color and style were right). My mom never would discuss it and showed up in an ordinary church dress, with sandals, although we could well afford a nice dress for her and pretty shoes. My dad fully participated in the tux renting and although he good-naturedly joked about looking like a penguin or a waiter, he enjoyed looking spiffy. My dad accompanied me to all the things that moms do. My mom was not disabled, or incapacitated. She did not work outside the home. She was an artist and loved painting in her studio, although she did not sell her work or really do anything with it. I never went out for lunch with my mother. I never went shopping with her. My dad did the grocery shopping and the cooking, and when I was old enough to reach the counter and participate, we did all the shopping and cooking and cleaning together.

When we moved to Italy for my dh's military service, we lived in a small village outside Venice. My dh offered to pay for my mom to come (my dad had passed away and she lived alone and was 100% functional and healthy and capable). She said no, because there wouldn't be anything she could eat. I remember yelling "mom, this is freakin' Italy, not Darfur. There's pasta and chicken and fish and gorgeous tomatoes and amazing breads. And you can see all the art of Venice!" She said "no, what if there are no eggs or toast or things I can eat?" And again, she had no allergies, dietary restrictions or diseases. She just liked bland food. My dad was adventurous and my dh and I loved making crazy international foods for him. He'd try anything!

I didn't realize how much not having an active, interactive, personal mother damaged me until I had kids. I found myself doing ridiculous things, like never serving them a basic sandwich. It had to have a funny face or look like party food. Even when my dh told me "stay in bed, I'll bring the baby to the bed so you can nurse him" I'd feel so guilty and I'd go with him, which was entirely unnecessary. I kept thinking "moms should do this" and I was running myself ragged. I was getting desperate. I wasn't doing things out of mother's instinct or just love or just human care, I was basing every decision on some weird standard that I could never meet. Instead of dressing my son when he was a baby, I would ask myself things like "is this how a good mom would do this? Should I have a toy ready? Should I have made up a song? What if this isn't a good color onesie?" instead of "is he comfy?" or just realizing he's happy and healthy and cared for. When I held him, I'd evaluate myself. "Is this how a good mother would hold her baby?" instead of simply enjoying his baby smell and loving him.

When my kids were about 8 and 4 I met a woman whose mom was much like mine. She had read a book called The Mom Factor; Dealing With The Mom You Had or Didn't Have (available on Amazon), by Cloud and Townsend. It does have a spiritual aspect, but that's not what it's only about. It talks about different kinds of moms, and how to face the facts about the one you have or had, and how to heal.

It helped me tremendously. I was able to verbally tell myself aloud "I did not have a loving mother. I did not have a close or healthy relationship with her. She missed out on being a mom. I do not have to compensate. My mothering skills and responsibilities and love don't have to be based in regret, or in making up for something, and they don't have to depend on something that I lacked. I will learn to be a good mom based on instinct, common sense, love, and by looking at my children, not by looking back at my mother. It would be like driving a car, only you're not looking at the road ahead or what's right in front of you, but instead only looking in the rear view mirror and trying to predict whether to steer right or left. That would be ridiculous.

So yeah, my mom has passed away now. 3 years ago now. Although I tried talking to her later in life, she wouldn't. I tried asking her about things, like how she found out she was pregnant with my brother or me, or what she felt before marrying my dad, and she'd say things like "oh, that reminds me, I need to get some groceries" or something stupid like that.

I encourage you to say the words aloud - either in a quiet spot where no one can hear you, or in the shower. Hearing yourself say it can help it sink in. Let yourself cry if you need to. But resolve to look ahead. You are blessed with children and you don't have to mother them by always looking in the rear-view mirror.

I had a narcissistic mother, and all of the attendant issues. I never fully let go of negative feelings, although as time went on I didn't dwell on them. I was used to the lack of the kind of mother I would have wished for.

One thing that helped is that I always knew I would have a great relationship with my own daughter. Dr. Phil or someone said that you have two chances for a great parent/child relationship -- once with your parents and once with your own children.

Now that my mom is gone, I'm surprised at how much I miss her at times. There were a few more good things about her than I realized. I loved her more than I thought I did, in spite of everything. Occasionally when I think of her I mourn what might have been and what I missed out on, but it is what it is. Most of us have sadness and losses we must endure, which will always be a part of us. That's just life.

There is absolutely no reason that your relationship with your daughters has to be like yours is with your mother. You have a great example of what not to do. It's simple: just don't be like her. Be kind, loving, listen to your children, celebrate them for who they are.

I'm an only child of a single mom. I never met my dad and my grandparents raised me until I was 5 when my mom was old enough to *supposedly* take care of me without them. I basically lived in my room if I wasn't in school. She worked full time and rented a room of her house to someone for my whole life. She was busy with work and her friends and not with me. I only remember one time she took me to a theme park when I was a tween. I don't remember her telling me she loved me until I was older and had kids of my own.

I'm now 49 and she is almost 70. I just found out a few years ago she is diagnosed and on meds for being bi-polar. It wasn't until I met my now BFF at church that she shared with me her MIL was the same as my mom. She gave me some "tips" on how to deal with her. I had already distanced myself, it was just easier mentally. She sees my kids, her only grandkids, very rarely now and doesn't even call them. They are 13 and 16. She lives only 15 minutes from us. We basically see her for birthdays and holidays.

My mom freaked out on my with my 16 yo in the car several months ago. Basically said how "mean" I was to her and went off on a tangent. I was like, what the heck are you talking about??!! My BFF said that even if you try to 'reason' with her, she likely won't 'get' it. This made me feel better. She told me to just love her for what she is and keep her at a distance, as sad as that is. She can't handle details of our lives so when we talk, we talk about the weather. If she asks of the health of the kids, I give her the basics. They don't seem to notice that they don't see her very often so if they are ok with it, then I am too. I have had to tell them that grandma has some "mental" issues but she does love us but has a hard time regulating her feelings and emotions. I don't know what else to say to them but they have accepted that.

I don't know what to tell you other than I feel better since my BFF gave me 'permission' to limit myself with my mom. I kept trying so hard and was always frustrated. Last time I talked to her end of last week, when we were getting off the phone I said, "ok, love you" and she said, "ok bye". OUCH. I never really noticed it before but ever since that major freak out, she has really not made an effort any more. Our church is having a MD brunch for the women and their daughters on Saturday. I bought my ticket a few weeks ago. I didn't even think to ask my mom. Then yesterday I felt bad so I emailed her and said the brunch was Sat and I will buy her ticket and pick her up and to let me know if she wanted to go. I haven't heard from her.

So that's my story. It will *always* hurt that I'm an only child and come from and extremely small family and I have always felt like my mom never loved me. I did the best I could and I guess she did too. Just like me, she has to live with her decisions and the consequences of her actions. As far as me and my kids, I feel like I probably overly tell them I love them and hold them a little tighter and longer than I should. I don't want them to ever question my love for them. And I don't think they will. Good luck.

It wasn't an aha moment, it just sort of happened over time. Once you get a little older these things bother you less because life and work and spouses and raising kids get in the way, you simply have no time or energy to hold onto things that cause you pain
You know the serenity prayer, the one they use for people in recovery?
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference"
Well that pretty much sums it up for all of us, not just people in recovery.
Once you let go of things you cannot change (the past, other people, etc.) and start focusing on the things you can (yourself, your choices, your relationship with your children, etc.) then things become so much easier and just sort of fall into place.
Stop focusing on how you "wish" things were (or how you think they "should" be) and start focusing on what "is" it really is that simple.

Lots and lots of therapy. I had to heal my inner child in order to move forward and let it go.

Been there J..

My mom was distant. I think now looking back on it, she might have had depression. But her personality was so different than my own. I'm a very warm and fuzzy person, and mom is opposite. I can't remember her hugging me or kissing me on her own. I would have had to go to her and ask for one. Tough love. All I know is I never went to my mother for anything. You just didn't. She was busy. Emotional stuff or if you needed a hug - you went to my dad. My mom had a very hard childhood. So I think small problems she perceived as being trivial and her tough love approach meant that we just didn't feel we could talk to her.

So I never had a bond with her past early childhood. She took care of us beautifully. Super meals, clothes always pressed, we didn't want for anything. She was a provider - not a nurturer. One day I had problems in school and she did listen and offer advice, because I was terribly upset. And her advice was great. It's just that she felt we should have been born with confidence I think - and always kind of surprised when we weren't as strong as her. My mother is a rock.

It kind of worsened as a grew up. My self confidence kind of faltered over time, and I kept thinking my mom was disappointed in me. She was more frustrated with me I think. Anyways, I just pulled away and she became more busy with her life. I made bad choice after bad choice, and my mom didn't do anything. She is of mindset - you'll figure it out. It took a long time of me making bad decisions and then when I was ready - my mom helped me. So - I did figure it out on my own. I guess that's how my mom operates. And really - now that I'm a mom, I see the good and bad in how she parented.

But how I got over it was to see she's human. Complete opposite personality to me. She's just not affectionate. I had no idea some people weren't. But she shows affection in different ways. The problem is, I don't always appreciate those other ways. It's like we're not a good fit. So now - we're friends. She's kind of an inspiration to me. We make such better friends than mother-daughter. I guess that realization came in my 20s when I finally admitted I was hurting, making terrible choices and she did help - when I asked. And I stopped blaming her. It took about 10 years before I had entirely gotten past the "my mom failed me" self pity thing. And I wrote a letter and mailed it to my mom. I told her where I thought she had not done a good enough job. She said she was sorry - it wasn't her intent. That she loved me. She had done the best job she could given who she was and with our dynamic. She was human and had screwed up at times. She wasn't perfect.

That's all I needed. Was the apology. And I apologized a few years later. For my expectations of her. I hadn't accepted her as is - either.

Mostly I got over it by realizing that for me, parenting is not necessarily about a good fit with your kids so much as showing interest and acceptance of who they are. I have to work on this. My mom got involved with my kids - still tough love - but she's much more vocal and openly supportive of them. And I also realize in some ways I am like my mom. I have a tough love approach mixed with my dad's soft side. But knowing how imperfect I am at times as a mom, has allowed me to realize what a tough job my mom had. Walking in her shoes has helped.

But the new relationship - fresh start - as friends and she's my biggest supporter now - was what worked for me. I feel her love that way. And I no longer feel I have to please her. I think I was always caught up in feeling like I disappointed her. She's very proud of how I parent - so that's been healing. I had to ask my mom by the way to help me fix our relationship. I had to tell her what I needed. Every step of the way. I thought she should just know - instinctively - but she didn't. We're too different. So that was an eye opener. And a good thing for me to learn - how to ask for what I need. Good luck :)

We are all imperfect beings. I try hard daily to accept my mother for who she is and to parent the children I have to the best of my ability. Some of the techniques she used, which while not the best for me, might actually prove really good for my kids given their personalities and dispositions. It's not about not being like your mother, it's about being the best mother you can manage to be for each of your children. I imagine that when they grow up my boys might have their share of grievances about my parenting. I hope that they can afford me the grace I have given my mother and the grace I allow myself.

Best
F. B.

My Mom had a horrible childhood.
It's amazing she survived it.
Her Mom was violently mentally ill (she was institutionalized when my Mom was 14 - it was one of the happiest days in my Moms life) and her father was an alcoholic.
She was beaten and starved.
At 17 she was 5 ft 5in and weighed only 96lbs.
My Mom turned 80 last year - both her parents have been dead a long time - and she still is dealing with feelings from her childhood.
My Mom use to like to pretend she'd been kidnapped by gypsies.
There was just no way her parents could ever just be nice people.

My Mom didn't have role models - she just knew that she was going to be the Mom she wished she'd had but never got.

Personally I think it's perfectly ok to hate the people who put you through hell.
Then you put them and the hate behind you - and you live happily and successfully without them.
Living well - and being nothing like them - is the best revenge.
You can overcome being dealt a crappy hand in life.
Just keep moving forward!

This question and the answers really made me sad. It's such an imperfect world and we all try to make sense of our lives. My Mom was a good mom but because of some emotional/physical issues she couldn't be the mom she wanted to be or the one we needed. Therefore Dad was the "everything" for us all. My sister always resented her, even up until her death. She was always passive aggressive with her...nasty just to be nasty. I never was angry at her for her choices. I wished she would have chosen a different path and that emotionally she could have been more "present" but she wasn't mean or evil so I was able to just appreciate what I did get from her. I think the reason we handled it all so differently was our personalities. Age has mellowed me and I realize my own failings so it makes me more forgiving. My situation was different but I can relate to wishing for things that you'll never be able to get from someone and that disappointment.
As long as we can move through the sadness and pain and let it change us for the better, we're moving in the right direction.

Therapy. Several years of it. You're not alone. It took quite a long time, a spouse who agreed that she was awful, a mother in law that I love, and a half sister who's a bit older that I reconnected with. These other people have filled the gap that my mother's inability to be a parent left in my life. I accept that there were good times here and there, but big-picture, she's not healthy.

It is TOTALLY normal to be occasionally bummed about the lack. TOTALLY. I have that sometimes as well. But I'm satisfied with the life and the people I have in my life and the lack doesn't really register.

Now, don't laugh, but there was a series that helped me a little with this. It was on Showtime and is available on DVD's - Robin of Sherwood. The core characters were a family - but by CHOICE, not by blood. That was a revelation - kinda life changing. You can MAKE the family you want. Blood doesn't guarantee family - love and respect do. You can bring that into your life.

ETA: LMAO - you CHOOSE not to hear the truth. Oh well. Keep living other people's lives and comparing your life to someone else's or repeating history. That's YOUR CHOICE.

J.,

I'm sorry. I never had a troubled relationship with my mom. I know some people who have and I feel sorry for them. My mom was NOT demonstrative. She didn't hug us a lot until we were older. But she showed us love EVERY DAY. With her meals and deeds. My dad, on the other hand, VERY demonstrative, hugs and kisses every day. I got kisses every night from my mom. But it wasn't until I was older that I started getting hugs from her every day. I was a teenager and started laughing because I told her "dad hugs me every day...you don't - what do I have cooties??" She wasn't raised to hug. So we changed it. SEE how easy that was? We or I recognized a problem and addressed it.

This isn't just with mom's but ANY relationship that has caused you problems in "not being good enough" - it does happen with friends.

WHY OH WHY do you CONSTANTLY compare?? Why or WHY do you NEED to fear the worst?? WHY do you have to worry about things that might not happen? Why can't you live your life?? I don't get it.

You KNOW the relationship with your mom. Are you saying you are narcissistic too? I would believe control freak about you. Not trying to be harsh - but girl - you need chill. Really. BAD.

You're scared your marriage is going to fall apart because other people's did at this time. Do you NOT learn from other people's mistakes?? So you are FOR SURE it's going to happen to you. STOP. JUST STOP. Breathe and make this YOUR life.

You know your relationship with your mom - are you carrying it over with your kids?? If not?? STOP STRESSING OVER IT. If you are? CHANGE IT!! You have the power to. Just like your marriage.

Your relationship with your children does NOT have to be like yours with your mom. You are older and wiser. STOP with the comparison's. You are your own worst enemy.

I definitely understand what you are talking about--I grew up in a difficult household and have dealt with the fallout in various ways over the years. Different approaches have worked at different times--in my experience, there is no perfect cure because life situations bring out different impacts and each impact requires a different tool. One thing which has helped has been watching and being open to see how my mother has changed over the years. She isn't the easiest person now and never will be, however some of the things which I found painful just don't affect me in the same way. I also watched her develop a more affectionate relationship with her own mother, who could be really difficult. As my mother said, as her mother gradually became senile, it became more and more clear that she just loved my mother and aunt--all the other BS dropped away. I guess my message is never say never. Just because you do not feel loving towards her or appreciative of her good qualities now doesn't mean you never will. Getting through anger and resentment are essential for being able to see the good things, and it's good you are doing it. As for the effects on your relationship with your kids, I know that fear too. When we know better, we do better, and history is NOT destiny!

Oh wow - I could have written the same letter. I am still a work in progress on this, but what is helping me is something I learned from Brene Brown's latest work. She says what if you assume that everyone is doing the very best they can? It's harder sometimes than others, but I try to keep that in mind.

I also try to think of my mother when she was a child. In my mom's case, her mom was pretty emotionally reserved and I am aware of two stories where how she treated my mom make my heart ache. So I think of how as a little girl, she developed tendencies to help her cope.

And in my case, while I am working to accept that she will never be the mom I need her to be, she is supporting my daughter and I in lots of other ways (taking my daughter to activities she would otherwise miss having a working mom, for example), and that our time with her is limited. And do I want however long we have to be spent angry and miserable?

Like I said, I am a work in progress, but these things help my work along.

First off, I didn't see anyone "YELLING" all the time. That tells me you didn't like what the person said, not how they said it.

You really need to let it go. Why are you holding on to it? To be a victim? Why? Just let it go.

I truly agree that you constantly compare and it causes you the problems you are facing. it's almost like you want history to repeat itself so that you can say "See! See!! I told you so!"

Write a letter getting it all out. Then either shred it or send it. Your decision. Do you want or need the drama if you send it? More attention? My suggestion would be to shred it. If you have really established clear boundaries, you shouldn't be holding on to this past. You should be ready to live your own life and control your own destiny.

Yup. I can relate....too bad we don't live near each other so we can get together and vent. I don't think I have fully let go of my negative feelings. What helps me is to maintain distance. We live in different states and I like it that way. We get along fine having a phone relationship. I went though the mourning for the loss of the mom I never had. I also went through a lot of anger. What helps me now is I remind myself that my mom is getting old (She is 72) and she will not be around much longer. That helps me to see the things I do like about her that I will miss. Of course for all I know she will live to be 100. You all might be hearing more from me in the future if she moves to be close to us. She has been talking for years about moving to the same town we live in. I think it would be extremely trying to have her near me. I probably could benefit from a bunch of therapy if this happens.

Added: Boy a couple people were rude to you. I guess you pushed their buttons. Ignore them...they must have their own issues in life. I understand what you were saying...smoking was a way to cope and once you quit you had one less coping mechanism in life. I don't smoke...but some people smoke, some drink, some eat for comfort, etc. I get that. Some moms are narcissists...real, true diagnosable narcissists. It's a very very unpleasant personality trait. Since the people on here don't really know you I don't know why they assume they know you and your mom. I think for those who do not have a mom like this they do not know how painful it is and how it brings out anger when you are an adult. I have found it very hard dealing with the flood of negative feelings I get every single time I am around her. So, I kept reading back to see if there was any helpful info. Even though some people were rude: the bottom line is...it is true that therapy might be very helpful so it's worth a try.

Well said Starr B!

Thank you.

She finally died and I don't miss her. I am opposite of her in every way I can think of but I see her come out in me sometimes. Like right now, I am sitting here typing and can do that without even concentrating on it and pay attention to things going on around me. My girl isn't doing her school work online, I can hear a video and can see movement in the lights that are reflecting on her face. So I KNOW she's not on her online assignment. When I get done doing this answer I am going to rip her a new one and ground her. I won't beat her like my mom would but if I don't watch myself my voice and anger level can shoot to my mom's crazy in a split second. I have to watch myself all the time or I end up screaming like her.

I think you have to look inside. I am angry, all the time, and can get set off over the tiniest, stupidest thing. I wish I just had some Valium in my pocket all the time. I would be so mellow...smiling like a bobble head.

J.,
I know exactly what you are talking about and the anger you were holding in. For many years, well into adulthood, I tried to have a relationship with this unbelievably difficult person who was supposed to be a mother. She was not a mother that I wanted and I finally had to realize that it just wasn't going to happen. When she started in on my kids is when I finally started pulling away because "Hell No!" My family and I had a cordial relationship with her after I finally was able to recognize that it was very harmful to me and my family to have her involved or even know about anything we did. Somehow it was always turned into some horrible thing me, my husband or one of my kids had done - all lies for the benefit of her to keep trying to cause chaos within our extended family. My siblings were in the same boat and unfortunately we have all stopped having any kind of relationship with our mother but maintain a very close relationship between us. That has been very helpful to me.

She is now a miserable old lady living in a very nice senior housing complex. I no longer know what she says - or does - nor do I care. You truly can get to that point by realizing that you deserve better and your family deserves better. I didn't fully recognize this until I saw how my in-laws treated their kids and realized that parents actual do love their kids. I won't say it was easy but as my kids got older I just did not have any more room for anger, disappointment, hurt, etc. from her and I just had to stop trying.

I'm hopeful that you are and have been strong enough to show your children a better way. I know just by knowing how I grew up I knew that I didn't want the same for my kids and made decisions every, single day based on that thought.

Good Luck. I hope you can truly let go and live your own life. It is so nice not to be under that stress all the time.

Both of my parents had past problems that they ushered into the lives of their children. It was a devastating disaster. My mom too was a narcissist. But both my parents problems started as children. They both lost their mothers at 6 years old. Just a really sad situation.

There's much hope for your healing though. Be encouraged.

My process of letting go so much pain with my mother was hard, and maybe because I didn't want to address it. But finally I had to deal with it because it affected my daughter and I relationship. It also ruined a lot of relationships I had to, but over the past 3yrs I have been working on ME! I started giving a lot of my past issues with my mom to GOD! She does not know how to accept the things she has done wrong to her 8 children (denial). Sometimes you have to learn to accept people for who they are and they will never change. You have to set boundaries in your relationship, and hope it gets better! I just keep praying for her and also healed a lot of wounds in myself. God has brought me threw and my life is so much better now! Sometimes People don't want to change, but you continue to grow, and maybe one day when they see how happy and how you have grown maybe they will start working on themselves! Continue to love her, she will change eventually. Me and my mom relationship is getting better one day at a time! Be Blessed and I will keep you and your mom in my prayers! have a BLESSED DAY!!!