Does Anyone Have a Narcissistic Child? How Have You Dealt with It?

Wilderness therapy is an option. It strips away everything. It's usually used for kids/young adults who are at a crossroad in life and need to see how their behavior will effect the rest of their life. Another option would be to volunteer the family in a summer abroad working as a service to others. That could be working in a poor area with a missionary, teaching English abroad to underprivileged kids. Something drastic. I would also stay with the therapy aspect. Maybe a psychiatrist who can let you know if this is a spoiled child or a personality disorder. Whatever you do, do it fast. If she were mine, I'd do it all. Good luck and hang in there Mama!

Teens are tough, and I've seen some families decide that whether or not the teen in question will be honest in counseling, the *adults* will go and get help for themselves.

I would urge you not to apply a clinical label based on what you have heard about others. That's an incredibly dangerous thing to do. I would encourage you to look at your daughter as a whole person, at both her strengths and challenges. It's hard to feel confident about parenting a child who you only find deficits in. Try to see where she does shine.

It sounds like you and your family has made some mistakes earlier in life; you mentioned that you feel she has been spoiled. Again, talking to a counselor can help you figure out where boundaries should be, how to move poor boundaries in line with reality, and help you to take responsibility for what's truly on the parent and to know what you need to let go of. Anxiety often comes from a place of wanting/needing to control things.

It may also be helpful when your daughter is addressing family members in a disparaging way to use powerful "I feel _____ when you say _____; I wish you would _________."

I feel angry when you say I don't care about you. I wish you would notice how much we do to help you.

I feel sad and mad when you call me dumb. I wish you would leave me alone if you don't want to be nice.

I feel upset when you yell at me. I wish you would talk to me calmly when you are ready to solve the problem.

If she does, indeed, have clinical narcissism, you and your husband will need support in continuing to raise her. Being in relationship to a person with these behaviors is difficult and maddening at times. You will have to learn not to argue with her, not to try to rescue her from the consequences of her actions. I have to say, if the peer correction (no friends) the other students provide isn't 'working', I wouldn't try to explain the good qualities of friends. Instead, put it back to her "well, what do you think you want to do about that?" Narcissists (as well as many others who don't have a clinical diagnosis) often perceive themselves as victims, sadly, even though they are often the ones hurting others. So, you can talk to her when she's low, but keep making sure to put the ball back in her court.

ETA: I feel like I need to say, once again, that labeling your child with a personality disorder is a very bit mistake. Too often parents abdicate responsibility by claiming the problem is with the child. We all own our own part in the 'dance' of family dynamics and in how we communicate. I would also talk to a professional about your own sadness and disappointed expectations regarding closeness with your daughter. It's not wrong to want that, however, don't get stuck in being angry for not meeting those expectations.

My brother is a true narcissist and sociopath. He can destroy someone, humiliate someone, belittle someone to the point where they are sobbing. He can falsely accuse someone, he blatantly states things that are hurtful and false. He brags about himself. He is verbally abusive and emotionally cruel.

However, it doesn't faze him in the least. He doesn't bat an eye. He shrugs his shoulders and nonchalantly says "it's not my problem if they're [weak, ugly, wrong, stupid - whatever he has declared them to be]". I know first-hand that he said that someone was dead to him. The person confronted him, hoping to restore the relationship. My brother said, in a casual tone "I didn't say you were dead to me. I said you were 'AS GOOD AS' dead to me. See? There's your problem. You don't listen." Yes, that's exactly what he said, and then he turned away and went about his business, whistling a little tune, while the other person sat there in stunned silence, with tears streaming down his face.

It sounds to me like your daughter has not developed empathy. Perhaps you and she could volunteer at an animal shelter, or work at a soup kitchen. Perhaps you could try completely ignoring her when she makes ridiculous demands, but respond to her with kindness when she is acting in an appropriate way.

And, you may need to be blunt. Stop referring to or comparing to your husband's sister, or your friend whom everyone likes. My daughter has a lot of social anxiety and due to her illnesses, she has been very reclusive and excluded. One way that she asserts control over her life, which admittedly is very difficult, is to insist on certain things to an extremely annoying level. For example, our car is fairly new. If you shut the engine off, and remove the keys, the headlights go off automatically, thus preventing the battery from draining because you forgot to turn the headlights off. When my husband drives the car, he uses this function. When I drive the car, I just turn the headlights off manually out of habit. When my husband gets out of the car with the lights in the on position, even though they are off, my daughter cannot stand it. She gets so anxious, she yells at my husband. She cries. It bothers her so much that the headlight switch was pointing to "on" even though they were off technically. We finally sat her down and told her that she was being controlling. We told her that the headlight thing was not a problem, as if it would be if my husband was, say, drinking too much, or speeding. We told her point-blank that if her preference was to turn off the headlights, then go for it. Be she was NOT to angrily or meanly confront someone over a perfectly acceptable choice that happened to differ from her point of view. We did not compare her to my brother. We called her on a nasty reaction that was really ruining every time we shut the car off. And we told her that she needed to ask herself certain questions before expressing an opinion. Things like "is this crucial, like mom forgot to turn the iron off or the oven off?" "Is this important to everyone, or just to me?" "Is this going to make the other person feel better for having talked to me, or are they going to feel badly?" "How can I help this person feel comforted?" We literally gave her some questions to ask herself before speaking.

I know it's very frustrating. I encourage you to help your daughter learn empathy, and kindness. Demonstrate it. Help her practice it. Help her learn the skill. Attack it as though it's a trait she needs to develop, not a negative thing that she's inherited. My daughter's therapist said not to talk about breaking a habit. For example, if you want to quit smoking. He said not to say "I'm going to quit smoking". He said instead to choose your new attitude or habit and tell yourself you're going to nurture that. For example "Today I am going to start helping my lungs heal". "Today my clothes will smell fresh". "Today I will save the money I usually spend on cigarettes and buy myself a manicure or donate the money to the homeless or save the money in a savings account". Help your daughter say "today I will make one person smile because I said something nice to them".

Never met a narcissist that actually cared what other people think. After all if they don't think they are the greatest thing since sliced bread clearly the other person has the issues.

I believe your diagnosis is wrong.

If she is truly narcissistic then I am not sure what you can do to change her behavior and I think you should consult with a professional that can guide you. I think a lot of teens are self centered though and can benefit by reading the Chicken Soup for the Soul books. I read the kid versions to my girls when they were in K-2nd grade and I really think it helped to make them more empathetic. There is also a book How to Win Friends and Influence People that she might find helpful.

Your daughter is still in middle school. I think lots of kids have a hard time through those years but are able to come into their own in high school. I would make sure she gets involved in clubs / extracurricular activities. Both of my daughter's best friends are from their activities not from the kids that are in their classrooms.

Best of luck!

All kids are narcissistic. They have to be taught from the get-go that they are not the center of the universe. They don't just figure out out on their own.
Of course she's hostile when you don't give her what she wants. Let her be hostile and stick to your guns. .She's going to have to learn the hard way.

Was she excluded in school? Made fun of? Some kids as a coping mechanism are mean to kids before they have a chance to be mean to them. If kids are distrustful of others, or hurt - they can be angry and hostile. Anxiety can be a form of anger. Just a thought.

I would drop the expectation you have (of being close like you and your own mother). Kids pick up on that. She may feel she is letting you down - especially if she knows you are upset about who she is. That can tank a kid's self esteem. And hurt -> anger -> anxiety in some kids.

Good luck :)

Please don't diagnose your daughter. You've gotta get professional help. Talk to a psychologist about a psych evaluation and go from there. DO NOT have her pediatrician treat her or prescribe psych meds for her. Find a good psychologist and don't settle for just anyone. That psychologist can then refer you to a counselor and psychiatrist if needed. And above all, DO NOT talk about your daughter's issues and your feelings about things being better when she's gone, around her. Even if you think she can't hear you, she might and that will destroy her.

Teens are narcissistic by nature. They are learning about themselves and how they fit in a larger world than home and school.

I have a brother who has told us we're no longer family. He also fits the criteria for narcissism. I believe he's this way because of a hurt or hurts in childhood that hasn't healed. I doubt he's aware of the cause for his pain. He has low self esteem which may be what causes him to have to always be right and disrespectfull of his siblings. He's 70. He cannot change.

Your daughter is 13. You still have time to deal with her pain and all the other issues. Counseling for all of you is essential so you can get along and give her the best chance of getting better. All of you need to make changes.

My take from your post is that all of you, including her, feel powerless. Life is chaotic and has no anchor. Counseling will help end this.

I urge you to stop saying she's narcissistic and comparing her with her aunt. This belittles her. Start thinking in terms that you can turn this around.You cannot change her. You can provide help that helps her to change herself. This problem involves all of you. You're now in a negative and accusing pattern. You do need help to break out of it.

Start paying more attention to the right things she does. Praise her. Find the good in her and build her up. Have a related consequence for disrespect. My daughter sends her kids to her room saying I don't want to hear it. Don't argue. Never argue. They can come out of there room when they can apologize for their words, actions. The 15 and 12 year olds have the same consequence as the little girls.

This is not a punishment. They can do the usual things in their room. My daughter and her husband had to consistently do this for a couple of weeks before the kids accepted it. The reason for this is to teach that their actions are not acceptable as well as a way to help the parent be less angry.

I don't know if this will work with a teen who is just learning this now. I do think it's good to work on building respect. Both the child and the parent have to be respectful. I think you've reached a level of frustration and anger that you yell at her and accuse her being all sorts of negative actions. For her to learn respect, she has to feel your respect. She needs to know you love her and as painful as it is, you will stick by her.

I also believe counseling is imperative. I suggest you can read up on teens, their needs, and ways to discipline. The more you know, the more you'll feel like changing this pattern is possible.

My parenting and being a grandma has improved as I read about Love and Logic. Foster Cline is one of the founders of this way of parenting. They have a book specifically related to teens. The also have helpful information on their Web site.

Please seek professional guidance on this.

You need to find another therapist. Ask the school for a list of family therapists, also ask your insurance, and you can also ask your pediatrician. You can 'phone interview' a therapist (ask questions about treatment strategies, outcomes, etc) before you begin treatment or even meet with them for a brief appointment to see how they might fit your needs.

It sounds like maybe you both can benefit from having your own therapist. You need to separate your emotions from your daughter's emotions, they kind of sound intermixed. Get a therapist to help you do this.

As another person said, stop solving her problems and start saying, "it's too bad that happened....do you think you could have done anything to change what happened?"

Sorry that you are going through this.

She should be evaluated for borderline or narcissistic personality disorders.

Some therapy - for her - and for you - so you both learn some coping techniques - would be beneficial to all.

https://www.bpdcentral.com/narcissistic-disorder/hallmark...

Find a therapist and find a support group.

Well, on a positive note these are often the people who hold higher positions in jobs and still act the same and go on to have spouses and children of their own. I have seen it over and over. Whatever it is to her it works for now.If it doesn't she will stop. She is still growing. Hang in there.

Perhaps you need to be blunt, someone who thinks the world revolves around them don't take hints. They need to hear "They don't like you because you're always talking about yourself and making a big deal about everything you've done. No one wants to hear about you. They want to be friends with people they have things in common with. So YOU have to decide what you want".

Or you can take her to come counseling and they can start retraining her without crashing her self confidence.

One last thing. If you read I'm Okay, You're Okay you'll see that people who build themselves up over and over and over and put others down, they often have a very low self esteem and by making others feel small they feel better about themselves.