Kids Catch Brunt Attack on Mom

I'm sorry you're going through this. Do the boys still see their father? If so, maybe they could ask him to stop telling people things. That they want him to have a little respect for them snd their mother.

I think what your boys did was perfect..ignore what is being said about you.If they hear something they are not sure about they can ask you about it and then move on.

The other thing the boys could do being older is to say to people that who are bashing you is that they(being the boys) would rather not hear about private issues and are there to work.You would be amaze how fast adults shush when they get told to mind their own business by kids..lol..rather funny to watch really...good luck..
S. B

M.,
In all honesty, I don't think anything you say to this woman will make a difference. If she is talking about you to your children, then I would say something to their father. Let him know that they are catching the brunt of his actions from little jobs they are doing to earn extra money. Is this what he wants for his children?
Obviously, he doesn't care, otherwise he would keep his mouth shut and move on.

Unfortunately, I was in a similar situation. Not with a divorce, but a friendship gone bad. She talked terribly about my daughter. I chose the higher and better road, and never said a word to her, or anyone. She said this to others, not to my daughter or me, but all over the internet, and in our community. It was a lot like a nasty divorce and she chose to make it all public. My daughter unfortunately was not spared the vicious statements from her mouth.

My point is, if you try to defend yourself, you will be constantly doing it, for the next months to come. And is she going to believe you anyway? I just don't think it's worth it. Having gone through something similar, it can get nasty. And she may end up twisting your words to use them against you.

However, I would make one and only one statement to her. If she chooses to have these opinions of you, that is fine. She is entitled. But I would make it clear, not to involve your children. The divorce is bad enough and hard enough on kids, and then they have to endure her tongue lashing about you? Tell her if she has something to say, say it to you. Not to your children. I would end it with that. These type of people that do this to kids and like the drama and gossip, are really sad. They enjoy stirring things up, because usually they are terribly miserable in their own life.

Good luck

Hi there,

I would say just avoid the drama. With four kids, I doubt you have the time or energy to put toward this negativism anyway. I would make sure to talk to your kids and make sure they are doing okay with it all, but those people aren't worth the conversation and neither is your X. They won't probably listen and you can probably never set the record straight to every single person he has vented to. Yes, we all like to have a 'good reputation' but life is too short and God is the only one you need to worry about. Like I said, just model to your kids good responses. It sounds like they already are doing great at that even when you are away. Hang in there, I know it is easier said than done. :)
Amanda

Hi M.. I am so sorry this has happened. Divorce is cruel, huh? Here's what I think...because this situation directly involved your sons, you have the right and obligation to talk to this lady. But, I would do it in a humble way. Here's why...since your ex has "brainwashed" her and others, the only way to "prove them wrong" is to be a woman of integrity and character. I think you should write a letter/note to this woman and say something like this..."I understand that because of (your ex) you do not have a high opinion of me, but my sons have done nothing wrong. What happened between their father and me is none of their business or yours. You do not know both sides of the situation, nor am I going to discuss them with you. I appreciate your consideration of the feelings of my sons, and should you ever find yourself in a position like mine, I know you would want me, and others, to do the same for you." What goes around-comes around, and at some point in time this woman, and the others, will have to answer for the wrong things they have said and done.
God Bless!

First, compliment your sons to the heavens for the mature and wise way they handled the situation. Even folks many times their age would have found it hard to hold their tongues.

Second, pat yourself on the back for having raised these two young gentlemen.

Third, follow their lead...ignore the gossips. Time - and God - will vindicate you, as well as reveal your ex's true character and motives. I can't quote it exactly, but there's an old saying about the best revenge being to lead a good life.

I've been through similar stuff and as much as it may suck to hear, you can only live so that nobody will believe it. People who say nasty things will always find someone to say them about because it is who they are, not because of anything you've done. Reacting to it will just give her fuel. If you really care about her, call her up to say you haven't talked to her since the divorce and you've been thinking about her. Your kindness may make her rethink her stance, but confrontation will not. And above all, be kind to and about your ex. It may take a while, but only kindness comes back in kindness. Defending yourself will leave you feeling desperate when they aren't capable of hearing you. At the very least you can love yourself for the grace you showed when it was so hard!! Divorce it hard for everyone and even friends get defensive about it because they feel hurt and want you to hurt too, so try to show compassion ( I know it's not as fun as letting her have it!!!).

I guess it really comes down to how much you care about what other people think. If you really do not care, then love your children and they will see the truth about you. You should not have to defend yourself. As far as the neighbor goes, I would tell my boys not to return. If your community where you live seems overwhelming to you because you feel everyone is on your ex-husband's side, I would re-locate where you can have a fresh start! Life is too short!

Shame on these people. By the way, I think, living well is the best revenge. Whatever you say or do, please handle it with grace and humor. These people don't even deserve to be acknowledged with "facts". Afterall, they are not your friends. Enjoy your new life, sounds as if your ex was addicted to drama.

I would'nt worry about those people. The way I look at it that they were never your friend anyway if they were so easily swayed by what your former husband had to say about you. They are not your friends and people like that are ready to believe the worse about people instead of giving the benefit of the doubt and learning the real truth.

Good Morning M.
My Name is C.
I am 45 as well and like you in my second marriage with the most encrediable man.
I say of my second Hubby he may be shorter then I am physically but his spirit is 15 feet tall. So I more then understand how you feel about you new Hubby.
I also know how you feel about your Ex.
My ex played the part of the victum very well he even had our pastor and the board members at our church thinking he was the victum cause I dared to divorce him.
But thats just the thing when an abusive husband is being abusive thats the last thing he thinks your going to do to him is divorce him.
He is Jelouce of your new life. You kids know the whole story.
Here is the thing Id be feeling sorry for that new woman in your exes life cause she is going to have to endure the same thing he put you threw .
If your a Christian then pray for them both.Ask God to open her eyes to the truth of what happened. People arnt stupid they know that there are two sides to every Story.
When he is bad mothing you .
He has no idea how poorly it reflects on him.And if she is bad mouthing you its the only way she can pretend that things arnt as bad as they are there under her roof . You remember what its like and know what its like.
Here is the thing M. . You cant stop either one of them from flapping thier gums. You cant control what they are saying about you. What yuou can control is how you respond to it.
Here is the thing anything hidden in secret always seems to come to the light of the top or the surface.
Pray pray pray for that woman and if you are ever ment to speak to her speak to her with Kindness cause youll eventually will if you both live in the same community and that kindness and kind words will peirce threw the lies that that your ex has said about you.
The thing about all that he has done comming to surface.
Let me tell you my ex used to bad mouth me we would get into the "War with Words" too
But when I stoped shoving back at him what he shelled out. He quickly ran out of fuel for his fire.
When I would return his rath with sweetness it dosed the flames of his rath.
Eventually he just gave up bad mouthing me.
I got remarried last September and we are working on getting preggers I moved to Northern Ontario wich is 4 hours way from Southern Ontario where my ex lives.
Last week I got a letter in the mail. It was from My ex . It was a letter of apology from him asking for my forgivness for all of the hell that he had put me threw during the marriage.
M. there is an old saying " you can catch more flies with honey then you can with vinager.
I know your frustrated I know you want to say something . But if youll just be patient I guentee some day he will have to take responsibility for what he has done for you and then you wont have to go around and undo the the damage that he has tried to do to your reputation he will be too Busy undoing it for you because he will relize how much damage he has done to his own bye saying those things to those people who know you and know what you had to endure the whole time you were Married to him.
Enjoy being a Mom again enjoy being a wife again and dont let that old fool rob you of the joy of your life write now cause if you really give any of your ex foolishnesss and studiity any minuets of your time at all then he has done what he has set out to do and that is too steal your joy.
Blessings
C.

M. dear: The leopard always shows his spots. Your ex is showing his. Be wise and watch what comes out of your mouth. Be careful what you speak - The Bible says that. When you don't react, everyone is much happier. Gossips, negative, unhappy people can run their mouths forever but can't touch you. Pray and give it to God. Praise God you are away from him. I am so happy that you asked the site and asked for advice. What I read on this site makes me so grateful to have found it. God bless you and your family. SMILE and Praise God.........

Honestly, if these people are so willing to believe this about you then do you really want them as friends?

However, I would encourage your sons to say something the next time this happens. Along the lines of "I'm sorry Mrs. So and So, but do you realize you are speaking about MY mother?". That will probably send her flabbergasted back into the house as her husband stands there chuckling ;p.

I think that your kids are of the age where you can sit down and explain to them that cruel and untrue things are said on both sides (be honest, both sides) during a divorce. Explain to them that they can come to you and ask you about what they hear at any time so they can have a better understanding of things. If they feel the need to say something back to whomever is bad-mouthing you, have them simply say, "I would appreciate you not speaking badly of either one of my parents in my presence. Many untrue stories are told during a divorce and unless you were there, you do not know the truth and are simply spreading gossip." Stress to them that you are going to stay civil about things and you hope they do as well.

Just ignore it! I know that is the hardest thing to do, but I know from experience that the truth always comes out in the end! Just focus on loving your children and husband and be patient. Time will unvail the truth to everyone. You just have to keep your head up and be humble with what you have now. Do not bad mouth him in front of anyone, actually just forget about him and when something is said to your children just tell them you love them and you are sorry that they have to hear that. Then, just leave it at that. They will respect you more in the end and your relationship will be stronger. This is what happened with my two step-brothers. There mother bashed my step-father to everyone and the boys were so confused through their teenage years. It was so not fair to them. My Step-father stayed strong, ignored the remarks, and in the end the boys figured it out. Now, my step-brothers have very little to do with their mother, because they lost all respect for her and they see her now for who she is. My step-Dad did nothing and it would make my mother so mad that he would not stand up for his self, but in the end he was so right. The boys have turned out great, one just returned from Irag! They are 28 and 24! So, it will not be a long wait for you, but a tough one. Hang in there and be patient! The reward will be worth it! We have a strong family and I do not think that would have been the case if my step-dad would have played her game with her! I will keep your family in my prayers, Christie

I'd say let it go. Your kids know the true you, and the best thing you can do in this situation is to set a good example for them on how to handle false attacks on your character. Who cares what your old neighbors think, especially if they're willing to base their opinions on second-hand stories(particularly from an ex-husband!). Don't worry about them. The only way your husband's lies can really have an effect on you is if you choose to put energy into worrying about it. Let it go, move on, and enjoy today.

GRRRR.... I am mad for you!!! After reading about the ex, I would bet money that he would just twist it into one more "crazy thing" you did if you tried to talk with him about it. Another person mentioned having your kids just straight out tell the people to stop. I think that's a great idea, or for them to ask the person "why would you tell me something like that about my mother?" My first reaction was to advise you to let that women know if she has anything to say, she needs to tell you and leave the kids out of it. But in the end it's only going to cause more drama. Sometimes, silence is golden. Big cyber hugs, I know how hurtful it can be when people judge you without knowing anything......

M., I say let go and let God. Let God deal with this woman and her ignorance. Obviously, this woman has some problems,so you confronting her probably wouldnt do any good anyway. I cant believe she would think it was okay or even proper to talk to your boys in that way about you. Why should you deal with such ignorance. As long as you and all the people that love you know the truth,thats all that counts. Live your life and be Happy. God Bless you and family.

Dear M.~
Sorry you're in such a situation. Make it a point to come face to face w/ this woman somewhere, preferably public, smile sweetly and say, "Mary (or whoever), it's nice that you are supportive of _____________. I think you should know that there are many facts you are not aware of, however, so please think before you speak about me. You don't actually know what the situation was, and I'd hate to have you look foolish by spreading silly lies." Treat her like a queen when you do it.

That should put her in her place and put you on the little pedestal above her. Hopefully, it will also relieve stress for you.

Then go home and hug your hubby and each one of your kids. They sound great!

God bless.

What if you approach the neighbor and tell them you are concerned because your sons were bothered by the comments made while they were there working? This would definitely open the door for conversation and you could also add something to the effect that your boys would appreciate it if the comments would be kept to themselves, otherwise they no longer wish to help with the yard work. Then possibly let them know that you would appreciate it if they had all the facts if they are going to "gossip". I don't know that you need to set her straight with the truth because, imo, it's none of her business to begin with. I'm sorry your ex has badmouthed you to your old neighbors & friends. I hope you can straighten things out.

Hello M.
I am so sorry to hear that you are expereincing something so terrible. I went through someting similar when I was a kid. My father's family bashed my Mother badly to us children for many years. When we were younger it influenced our thinking about our Mother and was very unhealthy for our relationship with her. When we got older and understood what truly happened in our parent mariage we lost respect for my Father's family relatives.

Any adult that stoops to the level to badmouth a parent to their children is poision and deserves no respect. I would highly recommend keeping your children away from them. Next time this person wants thier help, the children should be unavailable. Find other activities for the children to make money. Secondly keep open lines of cummunication with your children and be sure they know the truth. Children are intellient and will be able to sort out the truth from these people but if they dont know the truth then it can affect thier relationship with you.

Im sorry this is happening as it is truly disgusting that an adult would subject a child to that type of behavior. Thier father and "his abusive friends" deserve no respect.
I am very happy that you have found a new life and relationship for you and your children.
Kind Regards
T.

Hi M.,

I am T.; don’t say a word although you may feel the urge o be expressive/explosive. Things will rectify themselves. Pray that you have raised your children to be respectful and from your sons response you have done a beautiful job.

When parent are parent, children let others know this in a calm respectful manner; (getting paid and walking away from the situation) as they grow into adults they let other adults know that they need to become ADULTS. If your children don't get on their level why should you?

They get old enough to speak on your behalf to others and the absent parent. "Laugh a little she don't know you"
I so hope she would not be a judgement of your character in friendship.

Besides you have a new life which brings about change and most can't handle change. You see the key is to keep you off focus. Love and focus on love in your life and let the Ugly go.

Look at the whole picture you have "New Life" a new man and a new baby. Potraying youthfulness Who wouldn't be talking about you good or bad9smile). The real deal is what your children are and thinks is what matters most and as long as they know the truth about you who cares about the rest.

Loving IT!!

Your friendship is her lost............

P.S.
Email me ____@____.com I enjoy meeting people, although you have to have a since of humor that's what divorce gave me :-)

Hi M.. I have never been divorced, but my parents were. They separated when I was 5. My mother ALWAYS bashed my dad and step mom. I remember my dad would, and still says that it isn't his place to put my brother and I in the middle....He would always stop us if we said even the simplest thing about our mom. He made it a point to be as respectful as possible. Because of that, my brother and I have a lot of respect for our dad. I really don't think that this other person should be saying anything about you to you sons....but instead of telling her how you feel, simply tell her you would like it if she refrained from saying anything negative around your kids. As far as what she actually thinks about you......who cares.....you know who you are and so do your kids and you new hubby......go with that and just let this lady's negativity roll off your shoulder. It will only bother her in the end and you will have lived a happy life for yourself.
Best of luck to you
T.

Hi M.,

You really have your hands full w/this ex-husband..mess...I would call the neighbor and confront her...nice/polite...tell her that she does not know the whole story...stay out your persoanl business...please do not involve your kids in grown up business...She had no right to talk bad about you in front of your kids....if you were so bad parent...why do you have kids not him...that lady was way out of line...I would tell anyone that was affecting my children where to go and how to get there...your divorce is nobodys BUSINESSS....until yuu live w/someone...no one knows the WHOLe Story...they should stay out...and I would nicely tell them....Much luck..

VMitchell
Memphis, TN...

it is sad that your x feels he needs to turn people against you that is his insecurities and ignorance speaking, DON'T stoop to his level, sounds like your boys know what is true tell them to just consider the source and ignore this lady, it is so sad that a person must bash another trying to make themseves feel superior when all they are doing is showing their own failings

Your children are old enough now to realize the truth of any situation. I would tell them that there is always two sides to any divorce and that really that only the people in the marriage can tell you about it. My best advice is to ignore the woman. It is a shame that she has made up her mind about your life. It is a bigger shame that she would share her unsolicted views about you to your boys. I imagine that they will never have anything to do with her. Ask your boys if they have any questions about what they heard. Answer the questions, admit your mistakes, encourage them to ask their father about the divorce, and tell them how much both you and your ex love them, that you just could not be happy together and were making everyone in the family unhappy. Explain why your marriage now works and also explain how you are so happy that you married your ex because now you have the three of them.

Forget the busybody. You will never change her mind and it will just stir up ancient history.

You should contact the lady that said all of these horrible things about you to your kids. You don't have to explain anything to her about your divorce. It's obvisous that if she has made all of these judgements on you without speaking to you that she is not the type of person you want in your life anyway. Like I said do not offer her any info. on your personal life. People like her would take anything you say out of context and use it against you. However, you need to let her know that she has no business saying anything negative about you to your kids. It is disrespectful to your children and also very immature. Good Luck! M. D.

The best way to get back and continue turning you life around is to be happy and successful. Nothing diminishes negative rumors than living proof of positive behavior and the ex. worst nightmare is you being blissfully happy. Just think how your happiness and success will affect your children!! It works because I have lived this situation. I am presently working on my masters degree, with my own home and 2 kids. All the negative crab ended about a year after he was gone and my friends are coming back. They dont know they are being mislead and they are embarrassed. Just be prepared to forgive them. The friends that dont come back probably are part of the negative life and good riddends!!

M.,

Does your ex still have contact with these people? It is time you had your say. I would try going to her to set the record straight. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. If you don't care what people think of you then show them by action instead of words how you really are. How you do that is up to you. I know it would nag at me but I have found that no matter what you say, people will beleive what they see before they beleive what they hear.

Good luck.

E.

If possible, I would just try to let it go. It seems that you have a wonderful life and that the people that really care about you (your sons included)can see through your ex-husbands antics. The friends that don't, probably aren't very good friends anyway, as if they were, they would know that you would not do these things and would come to you to get to the truth. I know that this is easy to say for someone who is not in your situation, but I truly believe that letting things go often the best for your own health and those closest to you.

If you start to approach this person, you might start a back and forth. If you try to approach everyone you might as well quite your day job because you have a new one.
It does not matter what he does all that matters is what you do. Do not address this. Live your life the best way that you know. You cannot please all the people all of the time, but if you can please God and you everything will fall into place. Let them see you shine even when they are trying to throw dirt on you. Be above them all. You do not need to tell anyone about what your husband did. God already knows and he is the only one who can do something about it. Plus if you do you will look just as bad as everyone else, not just in their eyes and yours, but also in you kids' eyes. And you cannot shine down in the dirt. Someone has to set the good example.
What you must do to fight this is arm your kids. Let them know that they know the truth and what they did was the right thing. Teach them to turn a deaf ear. Learning what to do this time will help them later on in life if they have to deal with something like this or help their kids deal with something like this. You are starting a legacy with the way you behave in this matter. You have to ask yourself, "What kind of legacy do I want to leave behind?"

Good luck and God bless,
P.S. This advice is coming from experience. I was the kid and now I am a strong adult.

I would approach those people and tell them they can believe what they want to believe but there are 2 sides to every story. I would not engage in redeeming yourself to them; they obviously were not and are not your friends. Tell them to respect yours and your ex-husbands kids and to not talk you or your husband in a disrespectful way as anything that happened, good, bad, truth or non-truth had nothing to do with them. Your kids will love you regardless. Your only other option would to not allow to work for friends you had together unless you speak to the adults first and ask them to not talk about you in front of them. Good luck and congrats on your new baby girl. I, too, had one in my 40's (41) and love it.

How sad is her life? I'd say nothing for now. If they ask or invite your children there again I'd simply relpy no thanks. They were upset by your opinions of me last time and do not need to return to such an inappropriate environment again. Then leave it at that. That way, you didn't go out of your way to fire back. They come to you and are put in their place. Make sure to discuss this with your kids. When my mom dated another teacher in her school, ugh. So many teachers approached me at 14 and 15 yrs old asking innappropriate questions ..... I told my mom and she dealt with them, but she never thought about making things okay with me. I had to work things out for myself without the maturity to truly figure it out.

Good luck and stay strong, J.

Even though it is frustrating, unless the situation involves someone that you have to deal with regularly, it is wise not to go on the defensive. This particular woman has already made up her mind, and trying to talk sense to her will just frustrate you and make you look guiltier in her mind. Any one with a brain knows that some divorced people lie about their ex-es, and one should choose carefully what to believe. This woman has issues of her own that she is projecting on to you - obviously. Why else would she go out of her way to badmouth you to your children? That is truly bizarre behavior.

It would be nice if we could mend fences with everyone in life, but unfortunately that only works with rational people. There are a great many people in this world who could not be accused of being rational :) We just have to feel sorry for them, bless them, and let them go. My husband's ex is a chronic liar and all-around nutcase (thank God we have the kids), so I sympathize with your plight. I used a few of my friends as Christian accountability partners to help me get through the anger issues I had because of her. Best of luck to you.

personally I think your boys should be able to stick up for you and no amount of money is worth a childs mother being slandered. Completely disassociating yourself and your family from any of these people is proberly your best course of action. I would not confront these people and give them more to feed on, walk away. YOu have improved your life and you know it, these people are not worth it.

Congrats on the baby, I too had a baby in my 40's after having boys a few years back. Good luck and maintain the higher ground. You should be proud of your boys for being calm and grown up in a tough situation.

Hey M., its me T.! You need to tell your ex to get a life! He is jelous that you are happy and have a beautiful family. I think I would confront the wife and ask her why she felt the need to bad mouth you to your children. The next time she needs to contact you and get the facts straight. Also, be PROUD of your boys for not saying anything and keeping the peace. Lets get a new set of friends, neighbors and family around your youngins! Sounds like the others aren't worth keeping! Email me anytime!

As a grown child of divorce, I agree with many of the responses you have already received. Don't get into it with this woman. You are never going to be able to straighten things out with this woman or any other person your ex has badmouthed you to. Your kids are old enough to know the real you. Make sure they are doing well all around. Don't bad mouth your ex to them, either. Try to explain to them that things like this tend to happen in divorce situations. But if they feel it necessary, encourage them to tell the people who say these things to them that they don't appreciate them speaking that way about their mom. They should tell these people that they don't want to discuss their mom with them at all. If they don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. It's definitely tough on the kids who are put in the middle of parents who have divorced. My parents did it to me and it's not easy to deal with. You just have to be the bigger person in this situation.

Dear M.,
If this had happened to me and mine I would have some very colorful words for this woman. She has no right to approach your children and slander you. If you did nothing to this woman, then she shouldn't have nothing bad to say about you. Sounds to me like she has a vendetta against you. Unless she continues to go out of her way to make you look bad, I'd just leave it alone for now. But if you feel she is spreading these rumors to your other neighbors, ask her politely to keep her opinions and rumors to herself, cause no one cares what she thinks about you and yours. It's none of her business what happens in your house, and her being a grown woman she should know these things. I wouldn't share any personal info with her or her family/friends; that may add fuel to the fire. No matter how bad you want to tell her what happened, she may twist your words and make things worse for you. The best thing to do is ignore her and hopefully she'll get bored with it and leave it alone. She's just bored with her life and trying to spice things up with friends and neighbors by spreading lies about you. You know and your kids know that what she was saying is not true, and you have nothing to worry about. I hope this situation gets cold b4 it boils over. My heart goes out to you; I'm going through almost the same thing with people on the net, except I'm getting bad-mouthed by people I don't even know nor have or will ever meet. It's sad what people thing of as entertainment these days.

They mocked Jesus and spat upon him so He knows how you feel. Give it to the Lord and let Him take over. I will be praying for you and your family......sounds like you tought them well.
Hugs & Prayers
Junnie

Your children are old enough to know their MOM. If you have not already...give it to God and let him handle it. Hold your head high and do not worry another minute about gossip.

Divorce usually hurts the kids more than anyone and I feel for your children, tell them that when you treat people with kindness it hurts them worse that if you slapped them, tell them if someone bad mouths you in front of them tell them to say she's my mom and I love her and just walk away and as for you doing anything, my mom always told me "the least said is easiest minded.