Here's the deal...My ex-husband and I share custody of our 8-yr old son. He is with his dad during the week and with me on weekends. We made this arrangement at the time we split because we thought it would be best for our son to stay in the home he's always known, same school, etc. Despite our differences, I know my ex to be a good dad and yes, I believe I'm a good mom. Here's the kicker...how do I deal with my ex's girlfriend? Personally, I cannot stand her. I've tried being nice to her but she's cold to me and won't speak to me even when I speak to her. She's appears to be very good to my ex and to our son-believe me, I wouldn't stand for her not to be! However, I struggle with the whole 'other mother type' in my son's life. On the flip side, my boyfriend has three kids, two of which live with us so it's not like I'm a stranger to this situation. Anyway, I know I'm not alone in this type of family situation so any advice would be greatly appreciated!!
Very many thanks to most of you for your kind and helpful advice. It's nice to have a forum where we can be supportive to one another. Having said that, it's really a shame that a couple of people have decided to sit in judgment and cast scorn instead of trying to have compassion. Remember, we can never know what it's like to walk in someone else's shoes. Thanks again ladies!
Whether you are the ex or the new girlfriend/wife, this is a difficult situation. I recommend www.lifeinablender.com -- it has people in both roles, so you can get a variety of perspectives.
My advice - as long as you feel she is good to your son - KILL HER WITH KINDNESS. Be so sickenly super sweet that it will make her look like a terrible person. She is either just "like that" or trying to be rude to you. Why go out of your way to be rude to her - it way easier to be nice and then the only bad thing she will be able to say about you is that you are TOO NICE. Good luck!
hey im in your shoes on that one i have the same problem. the problem i learned is that hell dont speak hes not married to her not yet any way so you shouldnt have to speak just just get your baby and go on and when you drop the baby off the same thing. you speak if she speaks to you all that other drama you dont need it. when she come to you about not speaking let her no you dont have to speak because she is not his wife the only thing that matters is you, L. that child and the child's father not not her. let her know that off the top. as long as your child is safe around her that what counts not you and her.
L., this is the sad situation that comes up in a divorce that has kids. No easy way around it. I told my ex-husband's wife that I appreciated the relationship that she was developing with my sons. That opened the door to a friendlier relationship - meaning: we treated each other like a neighbor - just not close neighbors.
As to breaking God's commandments, let he who has no sin cast the first stone. God will forgive divorce. at the same time, it isn't healthy for your son to see either of you living outside of a marriage relationship with other people. I know this from experience and my oldest son, who is 28, is now divorced and has his daughter and he is making sure that she knows that when he brings another woman into his life and home, it will be forever.
Best wishes to you.
Hey L., I've been in your same shoes a couple of times and have learned the hard way that it's better to just go with the flow and continue being nice to your ex's girlfriend. Don't lower yourself to her level, show her you are a bigger person (and I'm sure you are). Just remember it's the kids who suffer in a divorce not the adults so we have to try as parents to make it as smooth as possible at all times. Because believe me kids do notice things and they do not forget. Hope all turns out well for you and your family.
E.
Hi L.,
The helpful advice people gave you below about continue being kind is good. The other gal is right that you have control over your behavior and you should be proud of yourself for being above her coldness. I also hear that you might be worried about your 8 yr old son. You will always be his mom no matter what. Girlfriends may come and go, but you will always be his Mom. If you worry about whether he will develop any kind of positive feelings (i.e., caring or dare I say love) for your Ex's girlfriend, remember that just as you can "love" many people at the same time, your son can too. By the way, just ignore those below who were so judgmental. I agree that's no help at all! I hope that this was useful info. Keep up the good work with your son.
Hello L.,
I must say that you and your ex showed great maturity in the choice to allow your son to stay were he would feel secure. Not having him have to go thru any further change, as the two of you spliting was a big enough change for him already, was good. Also the fact that he is a boy and you allowing him to live mainly with the dad is good for him in learning to become a man. You see you have made really good choices so continue. So what if the girlfriend is cold, you can only account for you! You never know maybe you are being used to teach her a thing or two in manners and love. So hang in there and don't get weary in well doing. God will get the Glory otu of this!
Always take the "higher road" and continue to be as nice as you can be to her, even though she does not speak to you. Your son will see this. You are kind. He will learn kindness. Not, looking the other way. This is not about her but about you....doing the right thing. Good luck!
1. move closer to your son so he can go between houses throughout the week and have access to both parents
or
2. Let it go...choose your battles. Your free from your ex- it is what you wanted. You'll teach your son by modeling to him that you are not going to get your "cage rattled, spin your wheels" and he won't allow drama into his life when he is older. It's so hard not being able to control things, but you can't. So just try to control how you react. I do agree with who ever said be nice, killer with kindness, that's all you can do. And remember this is not about you, it's her problem.
"There is so much we can do...we just don't know what it is yet"
L.,
First of all you truly are not alone in this type of situation. In fact you don't know how good you have it. My ex's new wife makes your gal look like a kitten! I have had to deal with drunken text messages, phone calls, and having the police called on my son. How do you respond? It sounds to me like you have made an effort to keep things as amicable as possible. It's her "choice" not to respond to you. Tuff luck for her. At this point I would say just drop it and move on. Most likely she is jealous of you for some reason. It is probably the relationship you will always have with your ex because of your son. She may view you as a threat. Do not confront her. Bad mistake for everyone if you do. If she comes at you with some kind of negativity just let it roll off your back. Finely, don't bad mouth her in front of your son, support his and hers relationship, and keep your eyes open. Good luck. J
Honestly if she's good to your son, and is not going out of her way to be rude or ugly to you, there's not a whole lot for you to do. Just be civil...that's all you can do. OR you could just sit her down and tell her that you appreciate how kind she is to your son, but would like to know why the 2 of you can't be friendlier....hopefully you can come to some sort of mutual agreement! Good luck!
Hey L.,
I will keep this short and sweet. Remember that you can only control your behavior. If there is nothing to ask forgiveness for, then you have to just allow her insecurities and her choice to act inappropriately. Prepare yourself each time you encounter knowing that you have to allow her to simply be who she is, remind yourself it truly has no reflection on you and keep in mind that everyone involved will see who is taking the high road and who has some issues which need to deal with. IMHO your son will gain a valuable lesson about which type of woman he will ultimately want to marry. Besides, since she is being wonderful to your son - she isn't replacing you she is simply supplementing the love that he has by everyone around him!
Ask your ex-husband what's up with her? Let him know so he doesn't think you are the one causing a problem. Then just ignore her actions. If she doesn't have any kids she probably is jealous of the bond between you two and sounds like she is insecure. That's not your fault. My 7 yr old son has lived with his dad and new wife for 2 years and we get along better than me and his dad. But no matter how well we conversate she doesn't have any kids and it came to my attention that she is insecure with my presence. So just don't worry about it. Keep the peace (if you can) for your son's sake.
I am a stepmother and I have a similar relationship with my husband's ex-wife. I have tried several times to reach out to her to develop a friendlier relationship, but she is still cold and very distant bordering on rude. It is very difficult, but I am still very civil and friendly, but to the point when I have to interact with her. You can't change her behavior, but you do have control over not letting it affect you. It is never an easy situation when you are blending families. Good luck and don't let affect you, your relationship with your son or your ex.
I know a lot of Kill Her With Kindness has been said. That is excellent advice.
Also, I agreed with Sandra, who said move closer to your son :) If you aren't already next door neighbors try to be as close as possible.
I am sorry ya'll ended up divorced, but I think you both are doing what's best for your son by keeping him in a familiar environment.
If you and your EX can talk, you might just let him know what's happening. This girl sounds a little insecure in her relationship.
HI L., You do say that you live in the same kind of situation, so how do you and your step-children's mother get along? If it were me, and my ex, and his significant other,I would suggest to HIM that we 3 must have open communication, for the sole purpose of a healthy relationship for your son. Tell her , nicely , you don't want to be her best friend, or to even double date, but where YOUR son is concerned ,she needs to be respectful towards you, and visa versa. This way your son will never feel as though he has to feel guilty for liking her , or afraid to mention his mom in front of her. Personally, I would not see any harm to share some special times with the blended family.
Give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe hubby told her bad things against you, it does not matter. If she is younger, and maybe jealous, tell her to relax, IF you wanted him, you'd still be there. Now there is only friendship.
Hope this helps,
She's probably pretty uncomfortable and not sure how to be. This is probably her first time as "other mother," too. Also keep in mind that your ex may have said some not nice things about you to her and that her only concept of you is through him. She will likely eat up whatever he says without question. Even with friendly ex's and a civil separation, new girlfriends like to be assured there's no chance he wants to go back, so he might have given her a negative picture of you to help reassure her.
Just keep being nice! Eventually she'll get that you're not all bad.
Hi L.,
I have a daughter. Her stepmom was like that. My ex-husband would see the way I would go the extra mile at including his wife and their new baby in our new lives. Both of us have remarried and have babies 6 months apart. That marriage did not last very long as the "other mom" started being cold to my daughter. He will wake up and see that she's like that. I'd just be cordial and win her over through kindness. There is no telling what your ex told her about ya. I know how bad it bothers you. It did me.
Good Luck,
C.
