Did some people that who were your friends stop talking to you when you had your child(ren)? I've noticed that a lot of people that I use to talk to or even hang out with just backed off and stop having a lot to do with me since I had my son 6 years ago.
Have this happen to you?
This was a curiosity type of question. Thanks for sharing what you all thought.
Ironically, I am still friends with all of my single gfriends (my three closest friends are single and childless), but one of my friends from childhood disappeared on me because I got pregnant so easily (two times in a row, three if you count my miscarriage), and she was struggling to get pregnant.
Things change, people change, and you move on.
Some people did, but I don't know that it was a conscious "Oh, they have kids now so we can't be friends" kind of thing. Before we had children, most of our couple friends were of the "kids are great, but we don't want them ourselves" mindset, which was fine. They would call us at 4:00 on a Friday and we would meet them for drinks at 5:30. Fun!
Then we had kids... they would call us at 4:00 on Friday and we had to say "no". After a while, they stopped calling because we just couldn't do the same things anymore.
The upside to it is that we have since met new friends who have children. They understand that if they want to do something, we need some notice to get a sitter because they do too! They also tend to invite us over as a family and we do the same.
Friendships change as circumstances change. It's kind of sad, but it's also a part of growing as a family.
yup. I lost all of my "friends" when I started having children. Our lives were just totally different. I think it's pretty normal.
Yes, your common interests change...if someone doesn't have kids they aren't interested, if you have kids they're your life! I think it happens in other areas as well...college, jobs, moving to a different area, it's just life.
Yes.
It happens at every major life changing event.
Married people tend not to hang out with single people.
People with kids tend not to hang out with people who have no kids.
It's a simple divergence of interests and it's normal.
sure. and it's a good thing. i mean, how much socializing can anyone do in a life that includes child raising? for each phase of life and interest i've gone through (party girl, horse nut, mom, homeschooler, religious focus etc) i've gained one or two keepers and lost most when i drifted on.
if you're a single partier, how much do you have in common with someone with two littles in diapers?
khairete
S.
I had what I thought was a best friend in college. She married while we were still in school. We studied together all the time and stayed in close contact after graduation. I married about 9 years later.
As couples, we meet very Saturday night for 2 years for Bible study. We saw them a couple of times after my son was born. Then they dropped us like a hot rock. Her husband apparently did not want kids and thought I might influence my friend to have one.
A couple of years ago I noticed in our alumni info they have divorced and he has remarried and has a child!
There are some friends that were already firmly in the "young and carefree" stage that never left it when I moved into family. I don't see B and his wife much anymore because they like to do things like take a jaunt up to NYC on Christmas Eve and I want to spend time with my kids vs be in the car 10 hours. But other friends never faded. No matter what stage of life you are in, there will always be those who aren't going to be in sych with that stage.
I think it's normal if none of your friends have children. It's very hard to have things in common when you have kids and your friends don't. I lost a friend (I use the term loosely) after I had my daughter. She never wanted kids and I supported her decision 100% (a cat would have made a better mother). I tried to not make every conversation about my baby at the time. I still met her for lunch or dinner without DD in tow, but things were never the same between us. She literally never even asked how DD was - ever. She pretended she didn't exist.
A few years in, she stopped talking to me because I told her I couldn't make it to her candle party - literally. I had hurt my back and I just couldn't make the 1 1/2 hour drive in the condition I was in at the time. (I had gone to her house for a knock-off handbag party a few months earlier). She never returned my calls after that and I don't miss having her in my life.
To answer your question from the other side: I married and had children late. Most of my friends (from high school, college, work) had kids much earlier. I never stopped talking to them but we did grow apart. I wasn't all that interested in kid things and they couldn't go out on the spur of the moment like I could. In fact I remember one friend telling me that she couldn't wait for me to have kids so I'd know what it was like to find a babysitter. I told her by then her kids would be old enough to babysit my kids. lol
Especially when my kids were younger it was easier to hang out with women who had kids because we had the same issues to deal with. Now that my kids are teenagers (and I don't have worry about babysitters or entertaining them) it's much easier to hang out with friends that don't have kids or whose kids are grown.
I think it's natural, to an extent. If they don't have kids they are living in a completely different world, and doing different things.
Yes, absolutely. They didn't stop talking entirely, but the conversations peetered out. I think it's natural to have friends that are relevant in different stages of our lives (you know, like that sappy email that circles around "friends come in and out of our lives for a reason..."). I have the friends who helped me get through career dramas, and I have the friends who taught me to freeze the juice pouches to keep the sandwiches fresh in the lunch box.
The other thing I've noticed is there are friends that circled back once my daughter was no longer a toddler--some people are just nervous around little kids and prefer the age when they can have a conversation.
Also, consider what you bring to the table with your friends. Are you listening to their woes, or are you always talking about your child? (I found it hard to think of other topics when she was my whole world--now I'm getting better at finding myself again not just as Mama.)
I suggest extend your friends some grace and just let it be. Hopefully they'll circle back.
Deb
No! What kind of people do you guys hang out with that they just stop talking to you w/o explanation?
I guess my relationships (neighbors, work, church, sports) before I had a baby never centered around children, so after I had a baby I was fully capable of maintaining the relationship outside my baby. Not that my baby wasn't everyone's focus of attention, which was kind of them.
People don't just stop talking to you for a reason. Find out if there is a common thread running through all these friendships of yours which you've lost.
No.
Honestly loosing friends after having kids is probably more of a mutual thing than anything else. After I had my DD I just didn't have as much time to hang out with my childless friends: going to bars or hanging out in coffee shops for ours sipping latte - not a good way for a toddler to spend their day. And on the opther hand not everyone like going to a playground and hanging out by the Sandbox with me and DD for hours at a time.
I feel that's ok, some people you just have very little in common with to begin with and when that ceases because you have a child (or even other reasons, like a new job with different work hours) there is not much left to maintain that friendship.
Good luck!
Yes.
It was a friend, a BFF that I had known for years.
Once I got married (she was not yet married) and then when I had kids (she did not have kids yet, nor was married)... she just ceased to interact anymore.
