Looking for Someone to Relate.

I understand completly ..i have 3 kids myself been through it all too . Most of my friends have kids but they still complain ..i always say you can babysit for a day and see how much more stressed out you really are? they usually shut up then and say no thanks ...just trying to cheer you up :-)

I know how you feel. I was the first of my friends to have a baby. When I would have morning sickness they thought it was funny. I know what you are going through. Eventually each one of my friends have their own little ones and now they know how I feel. I did distance myself a bit from them but I don't think this something you should do. Sorry I wasn't any help... I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I have felt like that also

J.-

What I do is I post on a mommies message board on www.americanbaby.com. Go to message boards, find the one that says raising babies. There should be a group of moms that had babies the same month you did. I find its a great outlet for stress or questions (just like the one you posted here). Its got a more group oriented feeling than this board. I find that I post about my stress there and find that I'm not the only one going through this in this world, I'm better able to cope with my childless friends. If you don't click with that group, you can always join the one I'm in, November 2005 buddies... we welcome everyone! :D

Good luck!

E.
(single mom, age 32; daughter, Kiernan, 10.5 mos old).

I know exactly how you feel. All of our friends are childless. We have three. I guess the one thing that gets me through is the fact that while they are busy raising thier kids later in life, my kids will be grown. huh huh My husband and I will be enjoying each other.

Hi J.,

It is very normal to feel like you are tugging the rope alone. Your friends who do not have children CANNOT relate just like prior to your precious new daughter you could not relate to others who had children. I would recommend not isolating your self away from your friends, you will need them but try not to compare your trials and tribulations to theirs- apples to oranges sister. No one knows what another is going thru til we walk the walk (and even then in parenthood our walks may be different ie the mom who tells you her baby sleeps thru the night since 6 weeks vs you struggling with a 14 month old still not sleeping). I guess I would tell you to re focus and make sure you identify all the issues. What I mean by this is, when I went back to work when my daughter turned three months old and my husband became the stay at home dad, I felt incredibly wrong leaving her behind to go to work. I envied my friends who didn't have the enormous guilt I had about being a career woman. I felt like I couldn't be it all or do it all and I struggled. It felt hard to relate my most sensitive feelings to my friends who did not have children because I felt that they could not understand and I was more isolated than ever. I wouldmake sure you make a few mommie friends too! They help you gain perspective. Remember this parenthood thing is a marathon not a sprint, and in some respects things get a lot easier later. Hope this helps.
Sincerely
K.

Hi J.-

Well what your feeling is completely normal. It's very common to even lose touch with some of your single friends because your lifestyles are so different now. I found that out too after I had my son. In our world, our issues are so much bigger than, meeting some guy at a bar...ya know...However, if you do sincerely want to keep in touch with your single friends, just remember, that in their life, their problems are just as big as yours. Try not to compare your life to theirs. Us mothers know how much work & love you have put into your daughter; and as soon as your friends have children, they'll understand too. Best of luck!

You are a new mom, you are exhausted and your hormones are all out of whack still. Keep that in mind when you speak to your friends. Your priorities have changed, and being a mom, I agree with you that their issues are trivial compared to yours. But they will never be able to understand that or feel that way until some day they become mothers as well. Think about it, would you have felt your problems were trivial compared to someone else, just because they had a baby when you were not a mother? It is a total change in priorities that only other mothers will understand. So keep your old friends, despite that fact that you will most likely slowly drift apart, don�t let the friendships end totally. AND find some new friends that have babies so you have a support system for all the things you are about to experience. PS � good friends should be there for you weather they agree or understand or not, and that goes both ways.

J.:

I didn't have children until I was 39, so I was one of those childless people for many years. While my life is now really hectic, it is really no more hectic than it was when I didn't have children. I was busy with other things that took my time. Just because someone doesn't have children, doesn't mean their time isn't of value. We all make choices in life and if you choose to have children, you choose all the activities and tasks that are associated with it and it means that you can't do some of the fun stuff that you use to or you can't keep your house as clean. Everyone's priorities are different. Just keep in mind that your friends are probably having just as hard of a time trying to relate to your problems. Problems are as big as you make them. Trying to get a baby to sleep is a huge problem for a new mom. Trying to decide what to wear on a date is a huge problem for a single girl or married with no children woman. What to wear may seem trivial to you because of how important being a mom is to you, but what to wear on that date is just as important to your friend. She doesn't have the experience to know what being a mom is, so you just have to put yourself in her shoes.

Sometimes friends drift away because you can't relate to each other anymore. I find it sad that that happens. I would really try hard to get through this with your friends, because when they end up having children one day, you will be a great resource for them. I am so happy that my friends who had children kept being friends with me, because they have been so helpful to me. Hope this helps!!

While it is true our identities shift when we become mothers, parents, it is not all that we are. I suspect that as the year goes, you will begin to feel connected again to your friends. You are still healing from the birth experience, physically and emotionally. Give yourself time, and remember it is you, not them that has changed.

Don't worry, it will get easier! As your baby gets older and isn't getting up during the night, you won't feel as exhausted, and won't feel as removed from your friends. Plus, they will probably start having kids, too, and then you'll have mom friends to relate to.

LOL...Interesting responses so far. :-)

I don't know if what I have to say is advice, but I understand and support you. I work from home now with my own photography business. There have been times that my husband AND friends all thought that it is EASY to get up and work in my pj's and then run the kids to school, other errands, etc... No one understood and some days my husband forgets that WHILE I am dealing with clients, I have a 4 yr old hanging on me wanting attention too !

And being tired...my daughter didn't sleep more than 30 minutes at a time when she was a baby ! For the first ten months I was a zombie and STILL have medical issues because of the severe sleep deprivation.

I know how hard it is, and it seems that our mind always goes to spite and anger. I know mine does. I have personally found that just accepting the feelings, feels so good. It is not easy to do always but taking a moment and saying to yourself...it's ok and NORMAL to feel this way. There is NO reason you should beat yourself up over it. I have found in the last 8 years since being a MOM, that it becomes easier to talk to other Moms and hang out as time allows. Just because you may do that, does not mean you are leaving your other friends...your relationship with them is just changing. When they become Moms you will be able to relate to something with them, and YOU will be able to offer them support and advice in these times in THEIR lives.

Many Blessings.
M.

Hi there. I do understand what you're going through. And unfortunetly it didn't change for me. My single friends still have the same complaints about how tired they are about staying out at the bar until, well 12am or how stressful a situation is that in your eyes you would love to have. It's hard to adjust,but all you can do is smile and nod and be understanding to them.
I understand going to work when you've only had 3 hours of sleep. Trying to pick out clothes that fit because the baby weight hasn't gone yet.
But there is hope I promise! You will get used to it, you won't be jealous of your single friends much longer, and when you do get that little twinge... look at your daughter, remember that you are a mommy and are strong.
J. G

I hear you and I can relate. It sounds to me like you have grown apart from these friends. Friends are people you can turn to about whatever is going on in your life and who will support you and vice versa. You can still be friends with these people, but perhaps spend less time talking to them and instead find people who you can really relate to.

Also, would you consider trying medication to help your emotional well being? I found that after having kids every day was a struggle and I was feeling emotionally "bitter" and "removed" as you said. I never thought it had to do with me being depressed or having anxiety or anything like that. But after voicing the difficulties in my day to day life similar to what you voiced in your message, someone suggested that medication would help. I really didn't want to try zoloft or anything like but I overcame my prejudice against it and decided it wouldn't hurt to try. As it turned out it has changed my life 100% for the better. And this stuff only makes you feel better if you actually do need it. If you don't actually need it then you'll feel just the same on it as before and no harm done. Just a suggestion.

Good luck!!!

I honestly don't spend much time with any of my friends anymore, especially the ones without kids. I do keep in touch with one friend who is single and has no children and its fun to go out and have a drink with her once in awhile. I decided early on to limit our involvement because my time is precious and she doesn't understand at all. I have very little adult free time and I don't want to spend a moment of it listening to some guy drama that will change in 15 minutes anyway. I might sound harsh but I had to get selfish for me and my daughter. Plus, I think the childless friends feel the same way.

Hi J.,

I have often felt like this with my childless friends. "Oh, I work so hard all day long, putting in long hours at the office, yadayadayada..." I want to tell them, "Oh, I work so hard all day long, putting in long hours at the office, yadayadayada... and then I come home to my two wonderful children, help get dinner ready, play outside or with blocks or with cars or whatever, then get ready for baths, then get pj's on, then read stories, then get ready for bed..." By the time all of this is done, it's 8:30ish and I'm exhausted from my day!

I try to remember what it's like to be childless and I DO rememeber thinking how busy I was all the time back then. It's just a totally different busy now. A better busy but a busier busy, if you know what I mean! :)

Okay, I just wanted you to know that there is someone who understands. There's nothing you can say to them to help them understand your type of busyness. They will never understand this until they have children of their own. My best way to overcome this is to talk to my friends with children about my own busyness and frustrations and realize that they DO understand because they've been there. With your childless friends, talk about work, hobbies, interests, etc, as well as your children but keep in mind that they cannot share your perspective until they've been there. They'll understand someday. In the meantime, remember what you bonded about before you had children and keep up those friendships. They'll just continue to grow over time.

H.

J., my advice to you would be to take a step back and realize that you are under alot of stress, plus your horomones are all over the board, your body is adjusting and your baby is only 3 months old, everytime you turn around, you are trying to adjust to something new (having the baby, then by the time you are starting to get used to being with your baby, you are going back to work and trying to adjust to that) you are going to get frustrated very easily, it's one change after another!! But in 6 months, you might realize that you are being a little harsh on your friends. Yes, it is good to have other mom friends who can relate, and won't get bored of our baby stories, but that doesn't mean your childless friends are any less important. My best friend still does not have a child and she is still my best friend...does she realize FIRST HAND everything I'm going through...No, b/c she's not there yet, but she listens to me and is there for me, and her life and her problems are still important to me, frienships are a two-way street, you have to listen to them vent, and remember when our horomones are all over (just like in pregnancy, sometimes we get pissy over stupid stuff w/o realizing it, and our friends might(likely they do) realize it, but they understand that it's the horomones and all the stress and changes and they stand by us through it!!) Your friends have probably stood by in support and listened to you throughout your pregnancy and these first 3 months of your childs life, and if being childless they have been able to do that, they are probably worthy of being your friends still. The dynamics of the friendship have just changed a little.

...I have a hard time trying to talk about anything other than my son, especially when it's with other moms, because that tends to be all we talk about since our children are the center of our lives; however, having friends w/o kids is nice, b/c they tend to talk about something other than kids and it's nice to have a change of subject.

I'm sure your friends realize that you've been up all hours of the night, and I don't think when they are venting that they are trying to trivialize that, they are just trying to get their frustrations off their chest. And I can recall many sleepless, "all-nighters" when I was in college working on getting papers done...I think my life was stressful back in those days (I went to school full time and would work 2-3 jobs to pay bills)just stressful in another way.

So I guess I'm saying, ease up on your girls! Realize that what you are feeling is natural to feel, but try to rationalize it as well and understand that once things calm down a bit and you get used to everything, hearing stories and gossip from those friends will prob be a breathe of fresh air!!

Boy that seemed to take a book to try to say what I wanted to say!! Sorry so long!!!!

we have all been there. i don't know of a new mom who doesn't feel like this at some point. new dad's on the other hand seem to have it easier, it seems dad is more comfortable taking baby along even if thier friends don't have kids or having ppl over ect, while mom wants bay on a schedual and has to get up in the middle of the night and wants the house as clean as it was before baby came. well guess what, take a pointer from all the dad's i know, you're not a bad parent if the dishes don't get done till the sink is full, or if hubby gets up at night with the baby, or if you take your little one to hang out with some friends, or go shopping or just have the girls over. you're little one is still young enough that it's easy to take them places and if you're at home with her it's easy to have ppl over. my first question for you is how much help is dad? yes he stays home with her but does he do the things you did when you were home? if not talk to him and get him to take some of the stress of of you, men have different priorities than women for the most part and it's not a bad thing i know plenty of stay at home dad's and i think it's great but it is very new territory for most of them to have to be in charge of the cooking and cleaning as well and teh baby. i know it feels alien to have to listen to your friends complain but understand you did it before the baby too and someday they will have kids and understand. every life is stressful, kids just make it worse. so don't be so hard on your friends and if you need to talk about how stressful your life is do it, they'll listen if they are your friends. and take time for yourself, i'm sure you miss your little girl when you are at work all day but that isn't you time, that's work just like taking care of her is work, take a long bath or treat yourself to a half hour out of the house just doing something you want to do. i'm a mother of 5 and even just to go to the store alone is a wonderful time for me. good luck and know that you will get back to a point where your life seems less hectic and your friends less annoying. it just takes time.
Kari

Two solutions: Let them babysit and see what it is you go through. (If they are responsible enough for you to leave baby with) 2) Call them everytime the baby wakes up, spits up, or does something cute or not. That way, they can keep up with your schedule!! Then let's see what the complaints be about the next time you girls get together.

One of my best friends r childless & husbandless. But I can still relate to her in some ways. Like one person said. "friendhsip is a two way street" but that is like any other "relationship". My friend works full time, goes to school two nights a week & has tons of homework. i cant relate to that but i listen & try to understand. She also had to move back in w/ her mom, help w/ her little brother & sister & her moms bills. Once again, i cant relate but then she cant relate to me. But just think when she can relate to u, when she has kids she will come to u for advice because she knows "u have done it all". Had a baby, breastfed, worked, take care of your house,clean, take care of your child, take care of your hubby, plus still tried to have time for frineds. Just give it time. I do agree w/ the fact that your still adjusting to having a child. 3 months is still young. i know for myself i still was not into a steady routine. Then when u think u r in a routine, something changes. Your child gets sick, u get sick, they go through a growth spurt where they want to sleep then that knocks u off bed time schedule. Please understand your life will be chaotic for a long time. But u can do it. Us women r suppose to be superwomen but guess what we r not. If u dont feel like doing the dishes one night cuz u r tired, dont push yourself. Well sorry this is long but let me tell u....I feel ya. I was a single mom at 17. Yes i still lived w/ my mom but i did it allllllll on my own. I dont know how i did it but i made it work. it may not have been perfect but u live & learn. U will do things different w/ your next child if u have one then u did with this one. Thats a given. Well good luck to u & keep us posted.

My question to you is why are you up at 1 3 and 6 in the morning to feed your baby, when your husband is staying at home and you are going to work. He should get up to feed the baby and let you sleep.

You have to remember that your friends have not changed, you have changed. Your friends still have stressful lives, its just a different type.

When we have babies our world revolves around them and our prioities change, we choose this road. You cannot be angry with your friends because they don't have children.

Try and make some new friends with children, I went to a mommy and me class with my daughter at our community center. It helps alot to have friends with the same age children.

I am right there with you. None of my friends have children. I make it a point everyday to try and make NEW friends that do have children. And my old childless friends are the ones I visit for the occasional dinner or the ones I call when I need the shoulder to cry on. Different friends for different reasons. You cant relate to their lifestyle and they cant relate with yours. I am just a firm believe that each friend has their own purpose. You need to find a friend that you can relate with...one with kids!

I can relate - I'm the only one in our "girls night" club that has little ones (only one other lady has a grown child), however, I try to remember when I'm with them to be ME, not the mom me, but the adult out having adult time me. One things we mothers lose is ourselves: once we have kids we are now not only a wife/girlfriend, a mother, the bread winner but we have to remember to take time to be who we were (to some degree) before children. I do talk about my kids and as I am about to add 3 more of them to my family I have more to talk about; my friends understand that they are a part of me and if I have to listen to them and thier 'busy' life they get to listen to mine! In the end you find out who your 'true' friends are. Hang in there and just take a long look at if they are worth keeping around or not.

It gets easier...I swear. I'm lucky in the fact that 2 of my good friends had their kids within 6 months of mine, so we all sort of went through the changes together. I do get frustrated with a few of my friends b/c they don't get it...but that's not their fault. I just remind myself that before my little man, that was me and they were there for me...so I try to be there for them. I need my adult time...I love my son and I love my husband, but I don't know what I would do without my girls. Your friendships will change, but just hang in there...keep in touch and explain that they still mean something to you, but you may be a little removed while you are adjusting to motherhood. Chances are, they'll understand. We all grow up and friendships change...the ones that are still around after the changes, are the ones worth hanging on to.
Hang in there.

Your just going through a lot right now being a brand new mom. Your emotions are probably on a roller coaster which makes the childless people seem all that more annoying...think of it how Etona has mentioned...your raising yours now, when they are raising theirs, you'll be enjoying your husband. Also, you cant be everything to everyone,your busy being a mom! I'm sure your friends have other friends they can put their issues on right now. It is very pathetic they would come to you with their issues in YOUR time of need. They should respect that you have just had a baby..sounds to me like maybe your friends are a bit self centered....if you feel bitter, you may want to distance yourself. I think I may sound a bit bitter myself, I constantly wonder if my friends ever realize I have problems...instead, I worry about listening to theirs and helping them. Stay strong, and take a break, dont try to conquer everything at once! Enjoy being a mom!

I can totally relate to what you're saying. I sometimes have felt bitter toward my husband especially because gender equality is such a myth when it comes to having a baby. All of sudden, he is making the money and you are home with the kids. Even though you do 90 plus % of the work, he makes 90 plus % of the money, and your 90% doesn't appear to count as much as his. That's why you need your friends to vent to. I had mostly male friends before having kids, but that all had to change because men just don't understand in the way other women who are moms do. You definitely should make some "mom friends". Find yourself a good mommy role model, who will answer questions like "Is this normal?"

One more thing, don't be anxious about what you eat and drink while nursing. Most of the food particles are too big to pass into the breast milk. It takes a lot to affect the quality of the milk, like severe malnourishment. You can also have 1-2 glasses of wine and be fine nursing your baby. Just keep a generally healthy diet to keep your energy level up. Unless you have a baby highly sensitive to something in your diet, fussiness is usually unrelated to your diet. If it truly is related, dairy is the most common culprit. Maybe try a La Leche League meeting. Go to www.lalecheleague.org .

Remember--your life changed because of your choice to have a baby. These people had the same stress in their lives BEFORE you had a baby. It is a very big change when you have a baby. Everything revolves around the child. Don't have ill feelings towards them because YOUR life has changed....and NO--they cannot relate to what you're going through. I do have to admit that I don't feel real sorry for you since your husband is a Mr. Mom--9 out of 10 of us don't have that luxury! Either our husbands think they shouldn't have to do anything or there is no husband!! Thank your lucky stars every day!

I can see both sides here. I was the last of my family/friends to have a baby. I would be the one calling them to go out and do something but they couldn't because of the kids, etc. Now that I am a working mother of a new baby (it is SO hard) I can see the flip side.
It is hard right now but you will adjust and so will they. Remember the girl scout song, make new friends but keep the old. You'll get through it. You have started already by reaching out here. Reading through the responses I see quite a few people who have been in your shoes.
Good Luck!

I can understand that. I think we all go through that. Before I moved here all my friends didn't have kids, it was just me. Plus we were at the prime ripe age of 21-22. They all want to go out and party at the clubs and bars and here is me with a little one. You will adjust, I promise. Some of your friends you may grow away from, but being a mom and as your baby gets older you will find and meet more moms and become friends with them. Try to relax a little it is a huge change from the no kid life. Good luck to you.

J.,

Nothing will ever be the same, now that you are a Mom. It is amazing how fast your priorities and interests change. My advise is two fold. Try to find some Moms with similar interests and children the same age. That way you have a place to vent and discuss Mommy issues. Second, remember that you are a still an indivual woman and you still have other non-Mommy interests (they are there somewhere...). Try to set aside time for a dinner or drinks (I used to meet a girl friend without kids for a late dinner or drinks once Brendan was in bed, or for lunch during nap time) with your girlfriends and enjoy the time to discuss non-Mommy issues. You will probably find it enjoyable.

Everyone has daily and other stresses in their lives. Just because they don't have kids doesn't mean they don't feel these stresses. However, I noticed that once I had a baby the stresses changed and only really legitimate things stressed me out. I was no longer worried about being 10 minutes last for work, if the baby was crying, I was going to be late, etc. Being a Mommy gives you a new, and I find refreshing perspective.

Hey J.!

I can relate...we were (and still are) the first to get married of our friends and the first to have kids.....by far! Anyhow, I still hang out with those friends (it is now down to every few months), but have met some new friends that are in the same boat as us...married with new babies. Also there are moms clubs (with evening and weekend playgroups and activities) that are extremely helpful and nonjudgemental. I googled 'cincinnati moms' (if you are from cincinnati) and there are a gazillion groups to join of moms that are in the same stage of life that you are! Hope this helps!
Kim

It is so important that you find other moms to spend time with. Not that you have to leave behind all of your childless friends, but your life is different now and it will help if you are surrounded by others who are experiencing some of the same things you are experiencing or maybe they have experienced in the past.

I know after my daughter was born I too had a hard time relating to all of my single or childless friends. All of sudden they didn't understand why I was staying home more or going out with just my husband instead of with the girls or as a group.

In the three years since my daughter was born and now my son too, I have made friends with women of all ages, but the one thing we have in common is our children, our familys and our faith. And I can't tell you how helpful it has been and how much support I have recieved.

I do still see my single friends, we try to get together every now and then. We enjoy keeping up with ea. others lives, but I have to say that I don't think I would be were I am today or know what I know without the advice and support from all of the other mommy's in my life.

I don't know if you attend a church, but that is a great place to meet other moms. Your child will likely be in a nursery with other babies and those other babies happen to have mommies! That is how I met most of the other moms in my life.

Or if not, I'm sure you could find some other moms right here on mamasource who are in your area :)