It's Kinda Cute But..

Sorry Dad, the child's needs comes first. If she was tired and you put her to bed as usual, good for you. If his playing in a band interferes with wanting to be with his child, he has a choice to make.

You missed a fabulous opportunity to say, "yes, honey, because tonight I wanted you all to myself!" He probably would've gotten over his disappointment really quickly, and it sounds like you'd enjoy some alone time with him too.

It sounds like this is less about the one night of her staying up late/going to bed and more about losing your relationship with your husband. Kids are great and add so much to life, but the best thing you can give them is a strong marriage in your life. Losing yourself in your children to the detriment of your relationship isn't good for you, your child, your marriage, or your family. I would talk to him and address it more as a "we need to make sure we're working on us - I feel like we've lost our connection" than a "you aren't parenting right." Best of luck.

Involved is good, but balance is necessary, too. I'm not sure you have completely "involved" though if you assume you are the one to put her to bed, even after he's home, and the one to wake up with her. Involvement isn't just playtime, it's the chores, too.

My ex was like this first with his kids, my step kids, then with our daughter. I never was able to solve this problem. He was over-attached in some areas - like keeping them up way past their bedtime just so he had more time with them, thus making our mornings hellish, but then not present when it came time for the work parts.

There needs to be time for you and him, and not just daddy and daughter, especially when it sounds like you are the parent who does most of the work part - putting to bed, bathing, feeding, cleaning, etc? This leads to feelings of resentment, which are never positive.

Maybe start small, asking for one "date night" or other time alone. Maybe ask for his help in putting her to bed or some of the other chores. Start expressing your feelings gently. If he doesn't get it, express more forcefully. Your marriage is the most important thing for your daughter.

You did right in putting the baby down. Keep your normal routine. Your child's schedule shouldn't be all over the place. You should conform to her right now. You need to have a sit down talk with hubby, find a balance, and work on a new normal.

I have seen a family 'accommodate' Daddy's schedule and keep the kids up late... and boy, were those kids a living, breathing mess.

You made the right choice to find a guy who wants to be part of his kid's life. And you made the right choice to stick with the routine.

I agree with previous suggestions of letting him take over some of the responsibilities when it works for your daughter's schedule AND your husband's schedule together. What your husband will need to understand is that just as most working parents need to 'be done' working and clock off by a certain time, so does the parent who is at home. It's great that he got to do something he likely enjoys (the band), and I think asking you to keep baby girl up later is too much to ask. Most of us look forward to bedtime (I know I do) because then we get a break from our big job of childcare-- at least for a few hours until they wake up again.

I also think it's time to get a sitter at least once every couple weeks or so and have a date night. We took too long to do that, but once we started-- we've found that these date nights give us a chance to have deeper conversations than "did you go to the store?" or the scheduling communication that takes up a lot of our daily chat. Then you can both go out and talk about how awesome you both think your daughter is.:)

Normal routine needs to be kept. Be glad that he is involved, but make sure that a balance is found.

I too have a band man and he has to put up with missing bed time and going a few days (sometimes) without seeing the kiddo. I do however allow ONE day a week for him to stay up late, but that is when daddy gets home at or around bed time - not after - and daddy puts him to bed.

You should not accept this when it causes you to feel this way. This is a question that you and your husband should resolve together. Tell him how you feel and ask him to accept that when he gets home this late you won't be keeping her up past a certain time. Let him know that keeping her up is an imposition on you. Perhaps compromise by having him put her to bed and get up with her. You go to bed when he gets home. The two of you brainstorm to find a way to handle this that meets both of your needs.

I suppose it might depend on how often this happens. Keeping her up a couple of times a month would be OK with me but not every week.

In the scenerio you described is it possible that the was just expressing his disappointment and didn't intend for you to get upset. If so, sympathize with him. Let him be disappointed. Don't defend yourself. Sounds like you got into a fight over it. It's not worth fighting about. Let him express his disappointment and you remain confident that you did OK.

Oh, I'd say neither of you did anything wrong here.

He's enamoured with his little one, and you are tired of taking care of her all day. Normal, really.

One thing to remember is that children need to go to bed at the same time every night. It is really hard on them to have different bedtimes. They need structure and a schedule. Tough with your husband's career, obviously, but he's not the only one.

So, it really isn't just about YOU that needs to be considered with keeping her up late. If her bedtime keeps jumping around, you could end up having a lot of problems getting her to go to sleep. She could start trying to stay up, coming out of her room once she's out of her crib, her crying, and you having to decide between letting her cry and expecting her to self-soothe. Not worth it, if you ask me. She needs to know that she goes to bed, lays down, and goes to sleep without a lot of fanfare or change in the schedule.

Good luck,
Dawn

Yes next time keep her up for him. When he walks in, say "here you go" hand-over your daughter, you say "goodnight, i'm off to bed, see you in the morning" and you go to bed. He probably won't ask again. :-)

Ok... am I the only one that thinks it sounds odd that Dad is asking if his homecoming time is too late to keep daughter up? That sounds (to me, anyway) like, well... I'm not sure, but not a Dad.

My husband has always worked wonky hours. Still does. Did when we were dating before we were married, too. That's how the world works sometimes. BUT, he never has expected me (and/or our kids) to stay up past what is the norm in order to see him. Or get up in the wee wee hours to see him off to work (we're talking 4:30 a.m. sometimes). It would be crazy. He understands (as most grown ups tend to do) that kids need to have some semblance of a schedule. And the younger they are, the more disciplined the adults need to be about keeping them on that schedule. For their own health and behavioral needs.

Yes, it is great that he is involved. And yes, be thankful for that. But it sounds to me like you need to have a talk with him about what sort of routine your daughter is going to have. Does he REALLY want her schedule to be upended just because he has a gig? REALLY? She needs here sleep, and her routine. It isn't just for YOU. Although that matters TOO.

The discussion should include a set time for bed, so that he knows what her bedtime is. If he isn't going to be home by then, he should EXPECT her to be in bed on time anyway. If seeing her before bed is THAT crucially important to him, then he needs to be home before her bedtime. It really is that simple.

ETA: wait a minute... you posted about 'whiny daughter' too, didn't you? That is what you tell him in response to keeping her up past her bedtime. You don't want "whiny daughter" ALL DAY tomorrow.

Be grateful to have an involved daddy.

But tell that loving daddy that you'd like to have some time, too. See if you all can arrange a regular date night - with a regular sitter for your daughter. You all need to have some time as two grownups who are married to one another, not just a mama and a dad.

i dont think it's odd he wanted her kept up if you don't HAVE to be up for work or school at a certain point. (although its crappy he got upet) I stayed home until Emmy was 2 so my ex and I adjusted our schedule. Woke up at 10 am, and then followed the days schedule from there going to bed at 9 or 10 instead of earlier...he had an odd work schedukle and work got home at 7 ish (i think cheating was part of this odd schedule, little did i know) for dinner to M. we had nowhere to be and time with her dad was more important.

There were times like you mentioned above, but he wouldn't get made J. bummed an i'd remind him he could have alone time with her the next day super early while I slept in if he wanted (yea never chose that)

Anway, i gotoff topic. as for feeling left out I would make sure you two go on date nights but also remember you get her all day when he's at work if you stay at home so she needs time with J. him. relax and enjoy the time wile he's doting on her. do a hobby, watch a show or a long shower in another room so you're not sitting there feeling bummed and then after and hour or so come back down and do bedtime together and then you'll be recharged for fun with him alone after the baby goes to bed

I think you should buy and hang a plaque that says "the best thing you can do for your child is love her mother"

Sounds like a great Daddy who (like most men) just didn't think through what he was asking of you. Of course you don't want to sit up and wait with a tired toddler you've been caring for all day. You wanted to get that baby in bed and salvage a little adult time.

Just tell him that. If he has a long strech of night gigs and is REALLY missing baby time then plans for a later bedtime can be made but he needs you to gently remind him what it's like to be with a 2 year old all day.

Whatever you do don't lose yourselves in parenting. Keep your romance and adult time going. That little baby will grow up fast:( and it won't be long until the both of you are together waiting for HER to come home!

Is the band his income maker, or just a hobby?

In any event, I'd say he needs to plan around her schedule. If the gig was in the afternoon into the night, then he needs to plan on spending time with her before he goes, when she's wide awake & well rested.

All in all, sounds like a great daddy who's still figuring it out. Be grateful for what you have, but maybe talk to him about what's bugging you, as well.