Is There Something Wrong with Me?

Hi J.

No, there isn't anything wrong with you! My hubby is career Air Force and we have been through our share of deployments and separations. When we were stationed in Alaska, he went to Korea for a year and I was in Anchorage without any family. And I just dealt with it. You go on with your life, go to work, etc, because that is what you have to do. Doesn't mean I didn't miss him, or didn't wish he was home because it was really lonely, but I knew what I was getting into when I married him and that separations were part of the deal. During my husbands' last deployment to the middle east, most of my co-workers didn't even realize he was deployed, so guess I didn't show it either! lol. What good would it do your kids to see you crying and carrying on? And how would it help you to walk around all down and depressed for the duration? Yes, it is sad when they aren't here, but I tend to focus on when he is coming home rather than when he is gone - don't know if that makes any sense to you. Some women are just strong and suited (in a way) to deal with the not so nice part that comes along with a hubby in the military better than some others may be. I cry when he leaves the house that morning for the deployment and that's it. Life goes on, especially when you have kids to keep upbeat and busy. He has 16 years in and we are looking forward to retirement (yay, no more deployments) but his military service has shown me just how strong I can be all on my own. I don't know what kind of advice I could give you, because I'm the same way...so maybe just letting you know that you are not the only one that deals with the deployments like you are. Feel free to email any time if you just need someone to talk to. Good luck with the deployment and I pray for your hubby's safe return. C.

I am also a military wife and have dealt with more deployments than I can count. Don't let other people tell you how you should be dealing with this issue. Everyone has their own way of handling this situation. Some spouses are depressed the entire time their husband/wife is away. Others don't pause long enough to take a breath to keep themselves from thinking about it. My experience was this: I would take my husband to the base and see him off, and the kids and I would always kiss and hug him goodbye (this helped my kids understand the different parts of his job and the uniforms). Then we'd go to the video store, drive through Starbucks, and go home, snuggle on the couch, watching movies, eating take-out and missing Daddy, but taking comfort from each other. After that, we got on with our lives....I simply didn't see another way of dealing with life. My kids HAD to go school. I HAD to go the store, and I had commitments that I COULDN'T abandon. We have our rituals when he's gone....bedtime routines, phone calls, etc. of course, and while we always missed Daddy and thought of him, we knew that he was gone for a noble cause and that he was a good man and deserved our support. I know that when my husband is away, he needs to be missed, but he also needs to be able to depend on the fact that we are okay. If we aren't okay, that's one more thing for him to have on his mind, whether he is worrying about our emotional/mental well-being, or even the day-to-day things being take care of, like paying bills, when he needs to concentrate on staying safe and coming home when his job is done.

Everyone's relationship with their spouse is their own, and I suppose that people will handle things the way they choose, but please don't let the perception of others dictate how you feel....that just makes an already difficult situation even more difficult. Be true to yourself and allow yourself to feel what you feel. If you need a few minutes to cry, then take them, but if you are okay, and you have happy moments...DO NOT feel guilty or bad for having them, and wonder if you "should" be feeling this way. God gave you instincts them for a reason...trust them!

Good luck and God bless your family!

There is nothing wrong with you. You are just not outwardly demonstrative of negative feelings, and perhaps do not wish to burden others with them. I am much the same way, and like you, rely on God to be my strength.

But if you do need to talk, find a friend you can trust and do it - don't avoid taking care of that need because you don't want to bother someone. Or, if your emotional needs are like mine (that is, private), hire a sitter and buy yourself some alone time in which you can allow yourself to feel and get it out of your system. Sometimes we are so busy being strong for our kids and others in our lives who need us that we forget to take care of ourselves.

Also, do talk with you kids about feelings. Sometimes they can see you being strong and think that they need to be stoic, rather than sharing what's on their minds.

Don't feel you should be sadder than you are - there's a reason why God made you a military wife. Your strength is a blessing to you and to your spouse.

I second the many responses that nothing is wrong with you! Looks like you got a lot of great advise from experienced military wives, and a lot of them were great to read. I didn't read them all, but one thing that I did not see mentioned is that you might still get sad/weepy/depressed at certain times that are especially hard, or that remind you of him, or as he is gone longer. And that's okay too! But I agree that you are handeling it in a very healthy way! Just don't get too discouraged if you swing the other way for a little while at certain points - just remember that it's also okay to have your sad moments and even a little self-pity at times - then pick yourself up again and be strong for you family again. There will be ups and downs, and that's okay.
Congratulations on being so stong for your family, and relying on your faith. Sounds like you're doing great! But know that it's okay not to be strong every second, and still have someone supportive to talk to. The risk of being so strong, and starting the deployment so calmly is that if it starts to get hard or you start to feel overwhelmed, you may feel like you are failing - and that is so not true!!! Good luck,
S.

I heard of another mom who had exactly the same problem. She went to her bishop and he pointed out that for her it means less cooking, less cleaning, less laundry, so it's basically a vacation in some ways. It does not mean that you love your husband less, just that you are enjoying the break. Just do some things for him that are special and enjoy the time to do some things for yourself.

It's perfectly ok for you not to melt into a puddle of tears and have your heart all over the floor in a thousand pieces. It's ok to have faith and just "KNOW" everything is ok.

I will caution you though. You may want to pay attention to OTHER markers of stress from this. You may notice change in diet or activity level. You may notice (or others may notice) you being more irritable, or controlling or apathetic. You may not have any real big change in feelings until hubby comes home.

Whatever your process is, you're normal and it's ok.

You sound like a really sane and loving person to me. I think we just live in a culture where we're expected to be neurotic about most things and also to be very public about things that traditionally people were more private about in the past. Wishing you peace, strength, humor, and a happy reunion with your husband.

There is nothing wrong with you. Just because your husband is gone does not mean you need to cry or mope around being depressed every day. You mention that you are sad and that is right when someone you love is away for a while. But you have kids to take care of and life at home to keep sane. My Dad was in the Navy and was deployed for 6-8 months at a time. We missed him, we loved him -- but life goes on when he is not around. When we could, we tried to save events for when he would be home. When we couldn't we took lots of pics, wrote letters, and sent tapes and videos. In some ways you have it a bit easier with email and cell phones to help keep the communication lines open. So don't feel like you should be a complete mess because he is gone. Good luck to you!

NO NO NO NO NO, there is nothing wrong with you especially if you are relying on God for comfort. Ignore what others are saying, stay strong and encourage the boys by talking about their dad and how much he loves them and you know that when hubby comes home you will have your moments then. You may also have your moments throughout while he's gone, but don't think that you need to create saddness where the joy of the Lord is in your home.
I hope this helps.

J.- There is no absolute rule that states you need to feel sad or show show sadness daily becuase your husband is deployed. All that matters is that you love him the best that you can and be the best parent that you can while he is gone. My husband spent months gone TDY while in the Air Force and being sad wasn't an option while taking care of a home and a growing family. Take advantage of all the support that's available for you and your family whether i's family, church, military, work or commnity. Get involved and stay involved. Let your husband know during every communication with him that you love him and can't wait for him to return. God Bless.
B. P.

There is nothing wrong with you. It sounds like you know how to deal with challenging situations. Being weepy and non-functional would not be healthy for you and your kids.
When my husband was driving cross-country and gone for 4 weeks at a time, I told myself all the good things about it - the money he was earning, that I could have mint ice cream and mint gum (he's allergic) and not having to clean up after him. I hated it when people told me how "hard it must be" because I didn't want to think of how hard it was. That was my way of coping. Now that he's home, I ignore the good things of him being gone and look at the (more) wonderful things about him being home.

I'm just saying that women are strong. We can cope with a lot, if we decide to. It sounds like you are doing that. But, make sure that you don't always hold it inside when you are feeling down or stressed. Have someone you can talk to who will support you and listen and let you cry if you need to.

feel anyway you want! be proud of yourself for your strength right now. there may be a time when it bothers you more, but accept and be happy that the situation isn't totally wearing you down like it may be doing to your friends. your attitude can be a strength to others. others can also get jealous of you, but that's their problem to get over in themselves. if other women ask you how you do it, testify! don't be scared to be more detailed than what you have said on here about HOW God is your comforter.

Everyone responds to difficult situations in their own way. I would not be concerned about others' judgements. If it were me, I would say a little prayer to thank God for helping you with your strength. This strength and optimism is wonderful for you and for your loved ones.

My recommendation? Let go of the "shoulds" in your life!
You say you need to be strong for your kids. That is true,
however,let them know you do miss their Dad & will be so happy when you are all together again. In other words, live life in balance. We can't always be "strong" and it's important to show our children that sometimes life is tough, however we don't fall apart with every stress that befalls us.I feel it will help them thru' life's challenges. My Dad was very depressed when I was 12 yrs old. My parents acted like everything was fine & they thought it was better they shield me from it. Now my Dad says he wished that he would have shared with me that he was going thru a tough time...not that he had to tell me everything, however the lesson was that they put on a "everything's fine" face, when perhaps it would have been
good to share that sometimes life is tough & we work together thru' it. Blessings to you & your family.

J..... You are doing great!! God is the great comforter, and if you are relying on him there is nothing better. Yes we have added challenges dealing with deployments, but if you take it a day at a time it is bearable and doable. Keep doing what you're doing. There is nothing wrong with you. :0)

Jaime, there is NOTHING wrong with you. Everyone deals with emotions and stress in different ways. My husband is in Costa Rica for the next year on business. Yes, I miss him horribly but I'm not crying everyday. We write letters, skype, talk on the phone, and write emails. I have a business to run here and I wouldn't do it very well if my eyes were all puffy and red everyday. And to let that sadness get to me would make being here unbearable. Somedays I'm lonely, even when I'm with my dearest friends. Like you, I have alot of faith. I know he will come home safe and sound. Although he's not in a war zone, bad things could still happen. Being a puddle of emotions doesn't help his mental/emotional well being either. When he has seen me sad, it makes him want to come home right away but he can't. He knows I miss him. He doesn't need to see the tears to prove it. Being the wife of a military man is not easy. My eldest brother is and after 18 years in service and now doing his 3rd tour in Iraq, his wife has learned to be like you. Personally I think you are an amazing woman for what you do. And hopefully some of the other wives can learn to handle it better through your example. God bless you and your family.

I don't thing there is anything wrong with you. My husbands job has always had him traveling, although never for much more than 2 weeks at a time, for the last 7 years. Before we had kids, it was horrible. I was always a wreck. Now, I just do what I have to. He's been in Europe for over a week now, and we have a week left before he gets back. Life is going on just like normal, although my mom did take off two days of work as we have two kids in therapy on the same day, so I needed the extra man-power. I think you're right, too, that God is your comfort. I can always talk to God about my frustrations whenever I need to, and that helps a lot! I'll be praying for you during this deployment. I can't imagine being without hubby for that long. I have a good friend who is much like you and never shows it on the outside (at least in public). I admire someone like that. (She has 4 teen age boys and the Army has not kept their word for his deployments!) I think it speaks highly of your faith. I'll keep you in my prayers!

Some people are very emotional and some people aren't, I think you are fine.
I think of myself as an emotional basket case. My husband traveled leaving monday morning and returning friday. I know it is very different than your situation, however, I thought I was going to crash and burn without him. But I didn't, I really surprised myself, I just did what I had to do.
I am glad there are strong women like you who support their husbands while they are defending our country. Thank you and your husband. May God bless you and your family.
B.

I think you are just fine. I have no husband and I cry a lot. Yes, I am strong for my kids! My daughter, who is 18, is going away to college in the fall and she is the closest thing that I have to a companion. It scares me to even think what will happen after she leaves. I know that I would be a lot more "in the dumps" right now if it wasn't for the fact that I went and got my hormones leveled out. Progesterone controls a lot of our moods. Mine was almost to the point of being all the way gone and it should have been a lot higher. My thyroid was low also and it controls a lot of things like that. Women are really a ball of hormones. Just keep putting your faith in God and it helps bunches.

Nothing wrong with you at all. By moving on and taking care of business, you are actually doing the very best thing you can do for your husband! He has enough on his plate already and it is really hard on the men if things are not going well back home and in addition to the stress of deployment, they get a barrage of stress from back home also. He will be able to do his job better and get back home to you in better shape emotionally if he knows his family is well. Have a friend videotape you and your family going about your daily chores, having fun, etc and save it to a DVD or email it to him. Send him long emails/letters and include all the stuff his sons are doing and learning, new teachers, friends, etc so he does not feel left out when he gets home-remember "no whining" : ) but it is ok to say that you miss him! Please tell him I said thank you for serving his country. May God Bless him and return him safely back home. K.

another military wife here--I also work with the spouses when their spouse deploys and I see all levels of the spectrum to women who cry daily and are really a mess the whole time, to the ones who go out and act single when the spouse is gone. The healthiest responses fall in the middle. How we process our emotions is different for everyone, and each deployment for me has been different. There are days harder than others but how you process your emotions is entirely unique to your and your experiences. My one piece of advice no matter how you process it all...get some quality rejuvenation time for you away from the kids and the house, a girls night out, or a spa day something to give yourself a break and a reward for all that you are doing holding down the fort so to speak at home on your own.

J.,

"And He will give you peace that surpasses understanding"... your faith is a wonderful gift. Yes, you need to be strong for your kids and yes you should talk about your husband and express your feelings. Just take a minute to ponder what an incredible legacy you are giving them by demonstrating your faith. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". Let them know where your peace and strength come from.

Bless You!
L.

Ok, so I have extensive experience in this area. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! You are a good military wife who can handle being on their own. Good for you! My husband was in the Air Force (My father was in the army, my sister's husband is AF and my husband's father was a Seal) but he got force shapped a few years ago. I never understood those people who signed up for the military when there was peace then complained about leaving when there was war. There was always that possiblility. Anyway, the women who could not handle things on their own when their husbands were deployed were always the joke of the squadron, and especially the wives. I know this sounds harsh but it is a harsh life. Not only are the other women hard on them, but it is hard on the service man if his wife is making trouble at home. I am glad to hear that you miss your husband. I am glad that you have God to lean on. Just keep doing what you are doing and things will be alright. Dont let anyone tell you different! You are doing awesome!

J.,

Everyone has their own unique reaction to change and "loss" (Having your husband away from you for a season is a loss of physical connection). The main question for you is: How honest are you with what you are feeling? Are you being strong or hiding? This is a question only you can answer.

Years ago when I was dealing with the sudden death of a dear family member I convinced myself that I was being strong. It took me years to realize that I had created a wall around my heart not to feel the pain.

Because you are asking this question, it seems like there is a part of you that is questioning how real your reaction is to your situation. Do you have the believe that if you give into the sadness that you will not be able to be a "good" mom to your boys? The best gift we can give our children is to show our honest feelings and therefore giving them permission to do the same.

What I am inviting you to do is to get real with yourself about what you are feeling. If that means tears so be it. If it doesn't there is nothing "wrong" with you.

If you ever need a listening ear... www.lovcol.com

With my whole heart, C.
Owner of Loving Connections LLC

Like others have said, there is nothing wrong with you. Everyone deals with deployments differently. I have moments when I get emotional, and that is when the boys are doing something really cute and I wish he was there to share the moment with us. But other then that to me it is a fact of life that he is gone and there is no reason to cry myself to sleep or be depressed all day. You are handling it really well and I pray that the rest of the deployment goes well for you.

J.,
There is nothing what-so-ever wrong with you!! I think it's wonderful that your faith is holding you up and carrying you though.

We will keep your family and your husband in our prayers.

Thank you for your service and thank your husband for all he does to keep my family, my children safe.

God bless you and yours -
C.

Hey there,
Actually I would say you are being mature and not creating more drama. You are so fortunate to have your faith, that helps so much. You may have some tough days but it is good to have those times in private, and if you are feeling bad do let it out! Definately don't lose touch with your feelings!

I had a few bad days, but mostly I was doing what you are. Just doing what I need to do because I have to. It was too hard for me to feel it all, all of the time, so I basically shut down the wife part of me while hubby was gone. I was still faithful, I just concentrated on the mom aspect of things. Don't feel bad to cry & don't feel bad that you're not. But do share w/your kids how you're missing Dad & how people show emotions different ways, & that it's okay for them to cry if they need to.
Just make sure you're being strong isn't you shutting yourself down totally-even strong women need to cry now & then.
You'll get through this okay!