Need Experienced Arm Forces Mom to Give Advice

Hi Latashs,
I think being nervous is normal. I am an Army wife retired...LOLOL... My husband was in for over 20 and we met 12 years ago. I loved it! We had 5 between us. It is hard when they leave, but if you're attached to a good unit and a good FRG (family readiness group) you will have a ton of support! I still miss it and we have been retired for 2 years now. You meet and go to some of the neatest places and people. Have you ever seen the show Army Wives? Its pretty close to reality...at least it was for me.
D.

L.,

I'm not going to say that being married to a military man is easy, because it is anything but that. The amount of time that he spends away (training, deployments, etc) depends on what he does in the military. If he is insistent on going into the military, encourage him to go to selection for special operations. Their "time away" is much easier to deal with, even though you won't know where he is. It does feel like you're a single mom sometimes though, which gets very frustrating and trying at times. I only have one child and sometimes break down after having a long day. How your children will deal with daddy being away will depend on their ages. My son is only 8 months old. So, although he doesn't realize that daddy is gone, he will not know him anymore when he comes home. Being a working parent does make it easier though. At least you will have something to take your mind off of things and to keep you busy.

If your DH decides to go into the military, the best thing you can do is be supportive. These guys really need that from their families, because it is extremely difficult for them to leave us behind.

Good luck!
K.:)

Hello, all the other women had great things to say. I am a Navy wife. I also served for several years myself. I know how both sides feel. It definitely gets lonely and it can be harder on some days than others. After having my son I found the best way to get through it is... My neighbor and I became very close. When both our husbands were gone we would share dinner responsibilities. She would cook a couple nights a week and I would cook a couple nights a week. That helped b/c it gave me a companion as well help with things. So don't be afraid to make friends with your neighbors. If you move on base they can be great support groups. Just don't let yourself get depressed, your children need you to be strong.
Something the other women don't really talk about is how your husband feels while he is gone. Don't be angry at your husband b/c he is gone. You can't make him feel bad that he is not helping raise the kids. He would rather be home with you than out. He will be working very hard. I know first hand how hard it is not to be angry and sad when your are having a bad day.
Just remember to communicate. Use the resources that are around you.
I have currently been apart from my husband for 5 months. Plus we are moving to Japan and I am doing it all by myself. I have done it before so I can handle it, but it never gets easier. I am very proud of my husband and proud of us. Any body who can survive a military marriage deserves a medal.
Don't let the recruiter mess with you guys either. You always have a choice. If it doesn't sound right get up and walk away. As you walk away they will probably do what what you want. Good luck.

Hi L.,

The life of a military spouse offers both the challenge of possible long separations and distance from extended family and friends, but it also creates many opportunities that civilian life doesn't offer. My husband retired 9 years ago, after serving 24 years in the Army. All four of our children were born in military hospitals, the first one in Germany. We lived in several states and overseas, moving the kids and pets each time.
You can meet people from all over the world on every military installation, because service men and women often marry foreign nationals when assigned overseas and this is a great opportunity for you and your children to build friendships across ethnic and racial divides. My kids easily adapt to new places and quickly find out where the resources are in any new location and they can talk to just about anyone. In many ways the military lifestyle is a great equalizer of people.
While family considerations should be weighed, the main issue for your husband should be the larger question of why he wants to join the military. At the top of the list of reasons should be a core desire to serve our country. Too many people enlist, thinking only of the multitude of benefits offered, when success in uniform really depends on the believing in the oath you take - defending The Constitution of the United States.
Both of you should discuss the shuffling of priorities military service demands - duty does come first and family takes a back seat many times, but couples who can talk about the issues weather the storms. Just rest assured there are support networks of other wives going through the same thing as you. When duty calls your husband away for long periods of time, you can and will learn to handle almost any crisis, because help is usually just a phone call or neighbor away. You can grow from each new experience.

S.

it it totally normal. I've raised 2 kids almost totally by my self, BUT I am very proud of my husband. And very proud that I can support him in his fight to protect not only us but our country. I wouldn't change my decision to marry a soldier even if it ment I'd have someone home all the time. Its deffinately a unique life, and you are deffinately not alone. i agree with everything the first poster said.My husband likes being in the military because it makes him feel like he's got a job where he's actually making a difference. that what he does matters. The best way I've found to deal with it is to focus on the kids,keep busy , and take some time for you EVERY NIGHT. If you need some more info or just someone to talk to send me a message.

I served and so does my husband now. I had to leave my 22month old way back during desert storm. My husband just came back from Iraq. I am not going to lie. It is hard. And we have had many up's and downs . But we have been together 18 yrs. It is a quarenteed paycheck though and medical insurance. We pay nothing so i have piece of mind. When he is gone join the support groups . They have them on all bases. You will survive.

haha, I remember those feelings all too well! My husband spent 20 years in the US Navy and has been retired for a few years.

I've never had my dad gone for than a day and to then have my husband gone for months on end was hard to imagine.

His recruiter was great, they connected me with other wives and we talked and I was able to ask a TON of questions. Then when he/we did join/married/moved to the first location, the wives group met frequently enough to help calm some of those fears.

You will always have some wives who don't participate or others who think they are better than the rest, but for the most part, this is your core group of support.

my husband was gone 3 mo at a time and the only contact was 50 words or less letters that were read by a bunch of folks long before he ever saw them! Things have changed alot, so you have better contact.

Always have your Power of Attorney current and your Wills written and current.....for any family not just the Military!! Say your prayers always and you'll be ok.

BTW, we were never apart more than 2 weeks from the time we started dating in college all the way until he joined the Navy! When he first left, there was NO contact for 30 days while they did their crash course of training. I was very worried that he wouldn't want to get married after they "brainwashed" him. LOL Now it's funny, but back then, I was terrified!

K.
Mom of 2 boys, working 2 partime jobs that = full time, ative in Boy Scouts and High School Marching Band!! Husband retired US Navy and very supportive of me and the boys activities.

L.,

I think being an Army wife is exciting! I joined the Army when I was 18, and after a few years met my hubby in an Army school--we married one month later. That was 13 years ago. I got out of the Army when we decided to have children. I didn't feel he was abandoning me, I just feel that I have to be stable and strong for my soldier and for my kids.

You will spend time apart, and sometimes he will work long hours (all depending on branch of service and duty stations). I think the keys really are you being a HAPPY and supportive wife and your husband being a devoted and loyal husband and father. My husband, in the beginning, would spend more time than he needed to at work. However, he finally realized that at the end of his 20 years, he needed a happy and stable home to come to. He belongs to the Army, but he will be the first to say that when it is at all possible every single day, his family comes first! That is important. You will need to understand it is the military and sometimes he doesn't have control. Keep him happy at home (yes, I am old fashioned) and feeling like he has a "warm safe place" waiting for him.

I could write a book on this topic, and I just deleted a bunch of other advice I had for you. I am trying to boil the last 18 years (including my service time) down to a couple of paragraphs.

If I had to say anything it would be support him if he supports you, love him, and keep the communication open. You can't make this choice for him. If he does choose to serve his country and you choose to support him, there will be lemons around every corner...your job is to make the lemon-aid (as the old saying goes)for your family!

Good luck, and remember, you have all of us and millions of other mil spouses to support you!

Good morning L.,

I've been married to my king for 13 years and all of those years he has been in the military. I want tell you that it's easy, but I've throughly enjoyed being a military spouse. Yes there are times that you will have to be alone and yes you will feel like a single parent, but you and your children will be exposed to a brand new world. You will get a brand new family and the opportunity to go to places other people read about. we've been to Germany on 2 separate occassion and the other countries that we were able to visit because we were stationed there were wonderful. You will have to be strong and be both mommy and daddy from time to time, but make sure that you explain to your children when daddy is gone it's because he is trying to make a better life for you and them. No it's not a lot of money, but it's dependable. Is deployment a possibility yes sweetie it is, but he will be througly trained and if he knows that he has you at home taking care of his home and children, he will be able to do his job without worrying about what's going on at home. If he decides to do this know that your world is going to change and you will be doing this time with him. That means a lot of times putting your career on hold until the next duty station, leaving family and friends behind (I promise you, you will get new ones, but never replace your old ones), making a new home everytime you move, but it's so worth it. My king has been in now for 23 years, we are getting ready to retire and I know that it's going to be a transition for him. I totally embraced the military life. I participated in the FRG (Family Readiness Group), that the organization that they have to filter information, form relationships, and have a social network or people to help when and if your find yourself alone because of a deployment. Hang in there my sister and know what ever decision that they two of you make, put the Lord in the middle and He will have everything in control. God Bless, Lenay

Hi L.,
I won't lie to you...it's going to be hard at first if he deploys or when he goes to basic training...but as long as you remember that the separation is only TEMPORARY (even if it does seem like it's forever), you'll get through it. My husband has been active duty AF for the last 6 years and we are about to have our second daughter in January, so I've been left with a baby while he's gone. It's not easy, but in the end you're so proud of them when they come home and you learn to appreciate the time you have with them so much more. (Not to say that you don't do that now...It's just a different feeling.) Also, while he's gone there will be people who work with him in his unit/squadron/company (I'm not sure which branch he's going into) that will have wives in the same boat as you. You will find that you'll have many shoulders to cry on and probably make many new friends as a result of his deployments. Anyway, I hope this makes sense and that it helps ease your nervousness a little.
Good luck,
D.

Hello L.,
I have been married to a army man for 25 years now. I can tell you it can get lonely, and you can feel abandoned. Once you are in the Military you gain another family. There is lots of support from other spouses. We all have had our time away from each other but it has been worth it for our country. I can also say that our daughter has medical problems and we wouldn't have been able to afford all her medical bills. We have been to Italy and Korea. I absolutly loved Korea would go again in a heart bean. I love the travel and it is good for the kids to be able to see how different people live. Don't be afraid, it is a secure job and if your husband is feeling called to do it he should. I have heard alot of people say I wish I had joined when I had the chance or I wish I had stayed in. It is a unique life, you just go with the flow.

My husband is getting ready to begin his recruiting duty for the Coast Guard, and brought something interesting to my attention. Has your husband already joined the Armed Forces, or is it still an idea you are considering? If it's still just an idea, you should know that most of the services, if not all, have a restiction on the number of dependents a service member is allowed to have at the time of joining. That is currently 2 (one spouse and one child). Seeing as your husband has 6 dependents, he may not be able to join at all, in which case your anxiety might have been for nothing! Either way, I wish you luck!

Hi L.!

I am SOO sorry this is SOO long! :( I am a navy wife and this is our first time apart in 3 years of marriage, though he's been in for 8 1/2 now. We have an 18 month old daughter and she misses him a lot.

I know it will be hard when he deploys (he's a at a school in CT right now, we talk on the phone most nights), but I know that neighbors and friends are a HUGE help. I really like how one woman said that she shares dinner with her friends, I also plan to do that after we move in a couple months.

I don't know how your husband is, but mine didn't realize how hard it was to move to a place where I didn't know anyone, and we don't live on base here. I make friends easily, but I had a rough start here in Charleston.

Take this advice from a mom who learned the hard way, even if you DON'T live on base, go to EVERY housing office as soon as you can each time you move. They will tell you when and where the playgroups are, they can orient you to the base, get you set up with all the support networks you want to be involved with, and if you contact them ahead of time, they can get you information on housing both on AND OFF base, renting and buying.

Friends friends friends, it's all about who you surround yourself with. Be sure to choose friends who support the military, who HELP you be proud of your husband, who SUPPORT you while he's gone. And make sure to get a great sitter for those absolutely necessary Girls Nights Out!!!

Be sure to sight-see every place you go, even if you can't go with hubby, just take the kids! Get souvenirs before you leave each place you get stationed, for each child and for yourself. Little things like that make new places more exciting and less daunting for the whole family, and will help bring closure to each place that you've already been. "See, we got xx object for you to remember this place by, but now we're going to yy place and we can get something else there, too! Isn't that exciting!" I get things at the end of each time there, so that I can spend the whole time living there deciding what I liked best about each place, what object may best represent the culture of an area, or the daily habits of my life there.

I haven't decided what to get from Charleston yet, but we last came from Idaho, where my husband learned to hunt and shot a deer one year and an elk the next. My daughter's collection is of xmas ornaments, so I got her a beautiful elk ornament from a local shop there. I got a beautiful nightlight to match her ornament, for me and hubby. I have a local shop here that I'll go browse soon to find another ornament for her and trinket for us, representative of the Lowcountry!

It's normal to feel abandoned and it's useful to think of yourself as a single parent, but it's helpful to remember that it's by choice, and that you're being strong for your husband. Also, remember that while it's more intense than other jobs, it's just a job (unless he's a Marine...they make a lifestyle of it!). A lot of families relocate for jobs, and a lot of jobs take husbands away for a while...the military is just a little more intense on those things. Remember, too, that the military takes better care of us, too, anything you need for healthcare is taken care of, the paychecks are decent and steady (and guaranteed!), job security is good, and there are worldwide support networks set up specifically for family support!

I wish your family the absolute best, whether you and your husband choose the military life or not. I know you will do whatever is best for your whole family!

P.S. For money, I highly recommend USAA for EVERYTHING - loans, mortgage, savings, checking, insurance for cars and home/renter's, even relocation assistance....all of it! They're grrreat! LOL They never give me any lip about calling "on behalf of my husband" who may just be at work for the day, much less when he's on deployment!

Hi L.. I'm sure you have already gotten so much good advice,but I'll respond and tell my side..... My husband has been in the Navy for 21 yrs,out of which I've been married to him 16yrs. We have 3 kids and have traveled quite a bit over the years. He's been so many more places than we have though. It has been tough over the years being a single parent, playing the role of mother and father. I grew up as what is refered to as a "military brat". My dad was in the Marines for 22yrs. So I thought I was used to it. It certainly wasn't the same as I became the mom. Feeling abandoned is, as you say, a perfectly normal feeling. Especially when your spouse is on a deployment and you're left w/the kids. I can say though, that the military has been good to us over the yrs. We have met alot of good, decent people. Some of them were actually our second family when were overseas. The people you become friends with are your support system and hopefully you have a great family that you can call (to vent to) when you need it. Some of the great things about the military, is that you have a steady pay check every 2 wks and free medical & dental, there are great education benefits as well(that's transferable to you and children too). You can ask your recruiter about it. If you ever feel you need more help, your branch of service might offer family support programs, also the experience of traveling to different places that you might not have otherwise gone to are wonderful.
Please don't fell as if you're alone. You have days that are great and some days that aren't so good. Just keep the faith and communicate with your spouse about how you are feeling always. That is the one thing that will help your marriage, especially when he is deployed from home.
Good luck and I hope this helps some.

Hi L., feeling nervous is very normal. When my husband joined the Army 3yrs ago, I really didn't want him to 'cause I new what it involved, being an army brat. It was hard during the basic training 'cause we had never been apart, but the time went really fast. I thought it would be really hard to be away from family, but you get used to it and you do gain a whole new 'army family'. It was hard having my husband gone for 15 months to Iraq, but other army wives helped me get through it as I helped them get through it. The wives I know are so good to me and my FRG was awesome when the guys were away. And you do have some sort of contact w/your spouse when he's deployed and it was alot of fun packing up goody and gift boxes to send to him and I had my 4yr.old help. I do not regret my husband going into the army, he is providing a good stable life for us. I am sooo proud of him for protecting us and serving our great country. I wouldn't change a thing and I'm encouraging him to retire from the army and we've only been in for 3yrs. You'll be fine and actually enjoy it. The base we're on always have something fun for families to do. I actually don't know what we'd do if my husband did get out, be it that the economy is so bad.Last year in April, my husband re-enlisted for another 6yrs where we are stationed now, I do hope sometime we'll be stationed else where, how else would you see the world if you're not in the military. It's a great life, I love it. I have alot of nice friends, some are moving away, but I know there is always more friends out there that I'll meet. It'll be great, you'll see! Don't forget there is the phone and internet to stay in contact w/family, that's what I use. Good luck!

My husband was in the Marine Corps when we met. I didn't want to have children when he was in, I had seen too many of his fellow Marines get deployed - it seemed as soon as their wives got pregnant. Hmm.. I look back now, maybe it was by the husband's request - lol. Anyway, he was close to retirement, so we waited. He gets out, goes to work for the DOD as a civilian. We had our first baby, then our second. Then comes the news, he needs to deploy to Kuwait to support the Marines. Hey - wait a sec! I was away from all family with a 1 and 3 year old. We were fine. I learned how strong I was. Especially when he came back and had to go back the following year! The Marines found me and made a Marine Wife out of me yet! It can be a tough life, but there are alot of support systems you can utilize especially if you live near a military base.

HI L., my husband is in the military, going on 16 years now. We have been married for 15 yrs, and he got out of the service for a couple of those years. He was sent to Iraq in 2004, right after we found out we were expecting our 3rd child. So he was gone for the birth of baby #3! Talk about stress! You are feeling perfectly normal feelings, just be sure to accept any help from anyone who offers it, even if you feel like you are taking advantage or don't deserve it. It was hard for me, because I am perfectly capable of taking care of things, but just having someone pitch in on occasion was a big relief. If you have a reliable babysitter, be sure to take a night for yourself once in a while, just get out and get coffee or something! If you have someone who can watch kids while you shop, that is the biggest blessing!!! Nothing causes stress more than grocery shopping with kids!
I am also a teacher, so I understand that stress as well, but just take as much help as you can, maybe fellow teachers' can assist you with school work- or you can get an older student to help grade papers or something.
Don't feel guilty about feeling abandoned- it is normal, and you really just need to take things one day at a time. I hope you don't have to move around, we are Natl Guard so that has helped.
Good luck, and stay in contact if you want more specific advice!
A.

Hi! I'm a Mom and an Officer in the Army. First of all, you should know that almost every spouse feels exactly the same way you do. There are LOTS of resources out there for you - internet sites like "Military One Source" or Military.Com can lead you to some excellent reading or support networks. You can get counseling for free in your area (thru Military One Source), and I'd suggest using it early so you can be proactive with your fears.
I can tell you that your life WILL change and you will need to find some new ways to communicate, but you will come out a stronger person and find yourself in a huge community that plays a large part in providing the backbone of the freedoms of both our country and helping other countries around the world. You will find that most people in the military, to include the families, become very proud to serve - and part of that is because it is NOT an easy thing...
Lots of spouses and children feel just like you either during training or during a deployment. You need to get involved in support groups right away - whether it is a religious group, a mom's group like "MOP" or "Army Wives" (not the TV show) or something like building homes for the poor. That extra emotional support will be really important for you. Also - look into other ways to communicate. Skype is pretty big in the military, as well as global texting, facebook, etc... But even good old fashioned letters and photos will strengthen you and him both... You have no idea how big a deal a letter from home still is during military training - your hubby will probably get called out by name in front of everyone that he got a letter - there will be cat calls and whistles and it will be a big deal for him.
Finally, make sure you take care of yourself. Eat right, exercise some, drink water, get enough sleep... Try not to go out drinking too often or hang around people who aren't supportive of you. I'm not trying to lecture, just make sure you are taking care of you... Some spouses get so worried that they stop taking care of themselves and you are very important.