Is My Marriage Salvagable???

Updated on September 18, 2008
N.S. asks from Chicago, IL
4 answers

I would like to start off by thanking those of you who have addressed this similiar issue in the past and I appreciate your imput and concern either way. I am looking to figure things out a bit in my life and I apologize if this takes a while to explain. (If you are in a rush I don't think you'll want to read this lengthy posting!) Anyways, to put things bluntly my marriage is seriously in trouble and I do not know if it is salvageable or even worth salvaging. However the bottom line is that for my children and all involved I really would like to fix and help the situation as much as I can. I know it takes two to work on any relationship and I cannot do his "work" but I am willing and interested in do my part and whatever I can beyond that. The situation is such: We are in a SERIOUS financial state with over $400,000 in debt (credit cards, student loans, personal loans, etc) and the stress of our finances spiraling out of control among other things, has made my husband become a VERY stressed, obnoxious, and hurtful/angry person. He constantly yells at me and often even is not nice to our two girls. He does not help around the house and he is a super-SLOB. He has told me numerous times that his job is to make the money and that he works hard so my job is to raise the kids, clean the house, make meals etc. However, I do all that (when I can) and work too. I tutor daily, teach a few times a week, and I do childcare several days a week. I am so drained. I have NO time for myself and I am barely staying afloat. I find myself yelling at my 3 yr. old when I get really stressed and then I am so pissed at myself for being a half decent mom (well, atleast according to my standards). I also started going back to school to change careers and try to make more income afterwards so either with or without him I will have enough to make ends meet. I really hate the yelling and the constant fighting. He tells me he doesn't trust me because I make "stupid" choices and that I am a "f***in bi*ch cause of a slew of reasons. I am seeing a private therapist through a domestic violence agency and I feel like the situation is not promising. I have tried everything. I see a anger management therapist with him since he claims I need to see him too. I really am going to do couples work since my husband thinks its about the two of us. I am ok with that but I really think his issues are rooted within himself. I am tired of being insulted and hurt emotionally and mentally but I REALLY REALLY would like to salvage our marriage. I have kids with him, we own a home together, and we live in a close-knit community where I know it'll be hard for me to remarry with 2 little kids not to mention I feel like it would just be better if he and I could work through these issues and live peacefully, even if it means we have to separate later when they are grown. I also had to deal with an incident this past Saturday afternoon where my 3 yr old asked for him to come take her to the bathroom (since she is feeling his presence not there - he never spends time with them - EVER) and he was sleeping. When I went up to wake him so he could come down, he said he was too tired and that I should go deal with her. I then pulled his blanket off and pulled his arm to get him up and he then dug his fingers into my arm and said he was acting in self defense. In the mean time, of course, my daughter peed on the floor and who had to clean it up??? Me, as usual. I know he is abusive and I am well aware of it but I am trying to get the help necessary to help the situation before throwing in the towel. I know he'll screw me with finances and although this situation is terrible taking on all his debt and not making ends meet will be worse hell not to mention that it'll be near impossible to find a decent guy to father my girls since we see there are so few of them. Have any of you been in a similiar situation that you salvaged? No preachy responses necessary, only constructive positive feedback please. Thanks so much for listening.

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So What Happened?

Thank you so much for the feedback. I am really grateful for the experiences and I hope things will be salvageable. I put in a couple calls to our therapist too and I am waiting to hear back from him. I will keep you posted if and when anything changes. Thank you for the support.

More Answers

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J.L.

answers from Chicago on

Maybe if you say he really is a great guy then I would work on it. Guys are dumb, most of them shut down when it comes to talking about how they feel. Hes just as overwhelmed as you are. And it might be hurting his ego a bit if he has the "I can't provide for my family" feeling. I think you should give him some space. If you have family close by see if you can get the kids out for a while and take some time to yourself too.

I think that you should try and get your finances in order. See if you can consolidate your loans and get a lower interest rate. I think once you get you debt under control his attitude might change.

1 mom found this helpful
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L.B.

answers from Chicago on

From your posting I would say YES your marriage is salvageable. Nothing looks like it is unforgivable.
The key for my husband and I was a good couples counselor, Gale Dreas in Rodgers Park ###-###-####. I began by seeing her on my own. Once my husband saw a positive change in me he agreed to go, too. He admitted to me years later he initially refused to see a therapist because he was afraid she would lay the blame on him. You say the problem is 'rooted'in him. In actuality it is rooted in each of us. We all come to relationships with unreal expectations.
If as you say you REALLY REALLY want to save the marriage you will make more progress if you focus on what you can change about your own behavior and attitude. Before counseling we tended to get stuck in a game of you hurt me now I hurt you. Gale helped us navigate though the hurt & angry feelings so we could focus our energy on making our marriage a good one. She would tell us 'if you focus on who is right, you can be right all the way to divorce court'.
Wishing you a peaceful marriage.

1 mom found this helpful
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C.K.

answers from Chicago on

A marriage is a lot of pressure to put on small shoulders. people who wait it out "till the kids are grown" usually cause far greater problems emotionally for their children than those who divorce while the kids are young. Do you really want them raised to see marriage as an unhappy union? generally children growing up in homes like these grow up to find themselves in similar relationships. Is this what you want for your girls? To grow up believing that this kind of life is normal or acceptable? GET OUT FAST! if not for yourself do it for your daughters so they grow up with a better sense of self worth. In the mean time work on your sense of self worth too. You deserve better, you can have better, you deserve to be happy, not complacent.

1 mom found this helpful
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A.R.

answers from Chicago on

Here is an easy way to objectively assess the situation:

You have two daughters. What advice would you give to your daughter if she was in a similar situation? Would you want your daughter to stay in the relationship? Would be okay if your daughter was a wife to a husband like you've described above.

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