Having moved to the US from England I honestly believed that all would be a fairy tale. Great husband, my six year old daughter, all geared up for a new life out in the States. (My husband is from Indiana, me and my girl are English)
However.. as with most things.. did not work out that way.
I found out that my husband had cheated physically with another woman before I moved, plus was continuing text and email relationships with many women from long since he had ever known me.
Me and my daughter have had a rough time, not only with this but also with our lives in England. Including her real father who was violent and abusive.
Now whilst this is all some terrible events.. I made the decision to stay, to work through the problems and attempt to rebuild. But honestly I am finding the work hard. My daughter is consistently lying (obviously children pick up on moods but we do not and have not picked or argued in front of her, we're not the screaming types.) I am feeling depressed and low, our home is suffering.
I need some ideas. I know that a lot of people go through troubled times, but I honestly am starting to get a little desperate for ideas in how to rebuild foundations and grow from here, what to do to help.
I'd appreciate any input you guys have!
love
Char x
Thank you so much for your thoughts and ideas. It means a lot!
Going from this and other thoughts I am going to sit down and discuss this, this evening. He has been working for forgiveness but I don't think it's enough really to have my trust in him. So I will suggest counselling and take it from there. I personally will be going, it just depends if I am healing a marriage or getting over a divorce :)
I think that counseling is a tool that a family can use to make it better or help both parties gain strength enough to move forward separately. Not that I'm saying moving on would be a good thing, just saying that counseling would help.
It depends on what you mean by 'healing'.
If your husband isn't on board with marriage counseling, monogamy, working hard to earn back your trust - then - 'healing' means cutting the cancer out so to speak and divorcing him.
I'm afraid there's no magic wand to wave to make him be faithful to you - he's got to want to - and if he doesn't want to - then there's no point in hanging on to him.
If he won't work with you - then set him free - and you'll free yourself in the process.
Very good answers below. One of the reasons that this is so much work for you is that you're apparently doing it all. You say that YOU are working through the problems and trying to rebuild, but is he? This is a two-person job, and if your husband isn't committed to it as much as you, then you are shoveling sand against the tide.
You don't deserve to be treated this way, but something about these men's other attributes has attracted you to them. You must get a handle on that. Maybe you were unrealistic in thinking that a move would be all sweetness and light, but that doesn't justify the behavior of your husband.
Many children go through the lying phase, and it's not justified by her abusive bio father. Find out, with professional help, what's going on there, and institute reasonable consequences for lying. Consistency is vital to all children, particularly to those whose parents are preoccupied with other problems. Definitely get a good child psychologist or family therapist who can help you and your daughter, and if your husband doesn't participate and own some of the blame here, then you have your answer that this is not salvageable.
I'm sorry for what you are going through but you are the only one who can take responsibility for yourself. Good luck.
Since this man is not your daughter's father I would take your girl and go back to England. You need to be home, surrounded by friends and family, people who love you. There is no reason to stay in a foreign country with a man who treats you so poorly.
If he REALLY loves you, he will change, and he will come for you.
Good luck.
It's hard. I've been there.
I would work on yourself right now. A move hasn't changed anything, and you cannot change him. He has to want to. What's he doing to rebuild your trust?
I agree with AV - personal counselling would help you figure out why you are drawn to these men. You deserve more. You don't deserve to be abused or cheated on. Take some time to figure out what you want. When you're reeling from being hurt, it's so easy to put the focus on them - if only he'd stop ... I'll be happy. Figure out what YOU need to be ok in a marriage, then demand it. If he can't deliver - if you can't trust him over time - then you decide what to do.
Your daughter is going through a stage - all kids do when there is upset - they can pick up on it. Just love her and support her and do what's best for you. Take care of yourself.
Good luck :) Keep us posted.
It takes two people to make a marriage work but only one to break it up. Does your husband really want your marriage to work or does he want to have his cake and eat it too? Sorry you are going through this.
I agree that if your husband isn't her bio-father, you should go back to England. Your husband really doesn't sound worth sticking around for, unless you love it here and don't want to go back.
If you do stick around, you should do couples counseling and, more importantly, really work on yourself. A man does not define you -- you need to create a fun, vibrant life for yourself. Do you work? What do you do with your free time? Get a sport, join some groups, get a life outside your husband. Google social groups in your area, and see what comes up.
Your daughter is only six. Don't make a big deal about the lying at this point in time. There's not much of importance that a six year old can lie about. When she lies say things like, "Oh really..." and "That's very interesting..." in a tone that let's her know that you're not really buying it.
Is your husband wanting this to work out? It won't work without him onboard. Counseling is a great start but honestly, he has to want this as well as you. I'm sorry.
Get counseling now before you get divorced. Counselling will help you whether or not you get a divorce. Making a decision to divorce comes after you try to make your relationship better and what you can do to feel better.
As to cheating, healing takes time. There are ways the two of you can work together to rebuild trust. Don't expect to trust him until he's, over time, shown he's trustworthy.
About your daughter lying. My experience with children that age is that often they are more fantasizing then lying. When they start a story, I say "I think you wish that was true." "That would be fun." If she's saying she didn't do something that happened, I say "I wonder if you're telling me you wished that didn't happen." It's important not to ask if the child did something when you already know she did it. When we ask, we are setting the child up for lying.
Are you in counseling? Both marriage counseling and personal counseling for you. This is tough stuff to work through. You need professional help.
