Has the Statute of Limitations for My Being Mad at My Husband Run Out? VERY LONG

OMG! Why on Earth did you give him the money when you had a free car on the way? You gave him the entire savings and then he spent more than that even! I'd be freaking livid. And after you paid tens of thousands off of HIS debt!! I agree that he sounds like a child, not a responsible adult. I'm going to say it straight, you both have very different ideas of fiscal responsibility and this can be a relationship-breaker. We don't buy any cars in this household unless we BOTH approve of the car itself and the money spent. And how's he going to pay for the vacation? Charge it?? I'm mad for you!!

A lot of marriages end in divorce over this topic. I know it was a matter of contention in my first marriage, and it isn't something that can't be fixed. Invest in a few marriage counseling sessions, and discuss these money matters with an objective third party. At the very least, it may get you two communicating better. Best of luck! Don't give up.

This isn't a small disagreement, it's a major difference between you two, and your philosophy about money.
You're the money nerd and he's the free spirit.
Not uncommon, but you let the tail wag the dog, so to speak.

Your husband acted like a child, pouting and complaining, snubbing his nose at the "sub-standard" FREE car. And you CAVED!
You went from doubting you could find an extra $200/ month to cover gas & insurance to HANDING him the 10K you'd saved. THEN he went over that limit. And knowing how he is, you let it be HIS sole responsibility to go & pick out & buy the car?

Dave would tell you to get back on track immediately. Get that extra $3200 paid for YESTERDAY, even if hubs need to use his new "cool" 13,200 car to get to a PT evening or weekend job!

I'd be pi$$ed too!

ETA after your SWH: Geez. Let go of the guilt. If you weren't there, he'd be paying for daycare too! To be successful, you guys need to keep your eye on the prize, so to speak...the desired goal FOR being responsible with the money you DO have! I'm sorry this happened. :(

In answer to your question: yes, you are the only one committed to this to the degree that you are. He is financially irresponsible. This isn't going to change on its own. Whether he was being indulgent or being defiant by spending more than you reasonably have for the car-- what's going on with that? Midlife crisis or something deeper?

Perhaps it would be wise to save your pennies and find a marriage counselor who deals with financial issues. They are out there. From what you have described, there are issues regarding not just finances, but also communication and trust. If he won't go with you, go by yourself. Talk to a neutral third party and find out what *you* want to do regarding all of this. What are your options? (I don't mean divorce, I mean figuring out how to come together so that there's some equity of responsibility and trust in your marriage.)

I'd suggest the usual "I feel _____" statements, but I think you and your husband need more than just hashing it out. He needs to be able to see your perspective (that we aren't living in Fantasyland-- these are frugal times for most of us) and he needs you to give him some sort of allowance which he can save/spend as he chooses.

And for what it's worth, I'd be furious about the whole thing too. Find a counselor, because the current arrangement certainly isn't working for you... and not taking vacation is more or less the consequence for not having that money in the bank, so I can't say I blame you for your decision. I've been where you are (in another life) and yes, it's hell when we feel like we are the only one in the relationship being responsible with money.

I get that your husband is bad with money. Mine is too -- he is limited to a single account I put $50 a week in for him to use for gas and whatever else he wants.

BUT. You paid off $38K in debt AND banked enough for a year's worth of emergencies by the second year? And you're on year 4 at this point, putting $10K a year in savings?

I have to believe the severity of your budget is getting to him (and to you). I am not saying this in a judgmental way, just to point it out, but it sounds like your budget has become an obsession for you. If penny pinching is taking joy out of your life (or your husband's life), it is time to reevaluate how much you really need in savings. You can't predict anything, really, and who knows what your future holds in terms of monetary needs? If you're super concerned, you can open a line of credit to use *in case* of larger emergencies that aren't covered by your savings.

Go on vacation. Enjoy your family. Let your husband enjoy his car. At $13K it is still a steal... It can't be a Hummer or something outlandish or seriously unreasonable, right?

You never know what the future holds, and if you are obsessed with planning for the unknown (financially or otherwise) you will start to not enjoy the present. None of us knows how much time we have left on this earth, how much time our family members will be with us, and so on. I really feel like you need to loosen up just a bit (splurge on something from the ice cream truck for your son, for example). Yes, your husband deserved to be taken to task for going over budget on the car, but what's done is done, let it go and let him enjoy it.

Added - shoot - I just saw that your pop-pop is giving the car to someone else. I feel like cussing myself!!

Original:
I'd die if I were married to a man like this. I'm so sorry. I want to say that you have real problems with your marriage, but I really think that he has a real problem with fiscal reality, and you have a real problem being married to a child.

I'd sell pop-pop's car when you get it and put the money in your name only for the rest of your life. Put your husband on a strict allowance and put money back as you can to make up the $3200. Don't let him ever touch pop-pop's money.

I really think that you ought to take hold of the finances - his money that comes into the joint account goes to pay set bills and the rest goes into a place he can't access. The fact that you paid off $38,000 of his debt that he got into because he had a single account, plus you paid off his car by selling yours, shows that he cannot be trusted to handle money appropriately.

Sounds bad, sounds like you are trying to be his mommy, sounds like you two have a bad marriage, but I don't see any way around it.

If this had occurred in my marriage, I would have been divorced LONG ago.

Dawn

I feel for ya! I'm the saver, Mrs is the spender.

Everythings already been said - you got taken, no point in feeling guilty or angry about it - it's in the past and you'll know better going forward.

However - if I can point out one small detail - this is a $3000 mistake (miscommunication...whatever). He went 30% above approval, but it's only $3k.

I know $3k is alot - but it's done. Now it's time to fix it.

You may not get to rehash this for years (seriously). What would you discuss now anyway?
you: Why did you do it?
him: I'm a grown up - I don't answer to you
You: But it's our finances...i just want to know why
him: I loved the color.

It's done. It doesn't really matter what the reason is. You want to get it off your chest and he doesn't care to hear it. Won't change a thing.

Stop feeling guilty. Stop feeling vengeful. You cannot change the past, so the only way to get over this is to let it go.

In recovery I would suggest doing a 4th step on it to my sponsees. Basically ask yourself - what was your role?

Anyway....PM if you want to talk more about the 4th step. Otherwise - hang in there and put this in the rearview! (pun intended) :)

Your husband is refusing to acknowledge a conflict, so there's no resolution. Of course you are still angry; there's an unresolved conflict. Both of you have the right to be heard by the other, and it sounds like neither of you really want to do that. Quit steaming, and set up a neutral time to discuss.

I would go on vacation without him. Leave him behind. You can afford to take you, because if you don't have to pay for him and that makes it cheaper! Tell him if he wants to come, he has to sell the car to pay his way. YOU didn't get a 13k new toy so he can't have his cake and eat it too. My FIVE YEAR OLD knows this rule. When she gets five bucks from the tooth fairy, she knows she can't spend it on a toy and then spend it on a treat the next week because IT'S GONE!! What a freaking "duh" thing not to know at whatever the frick age he is now. Tell him from me to grow up!

I'd have divorced him over this and let him spin in circles, to self destruct alone. Of course with the way things always seem to go, he'd find some other woman to attach himself to like a barnacle and suck her dry before moving on. He's dragging you and the family down with him. What a jerk!

Sell that car out from under him one weekend and take back your financial life.

Wow...I would be pissed also. But don't get mad if I say this. He sounds more like your child than a equal partner. It sounds like your his mom. I hope things work out for you. You seem to be alone in this.

Well, the car is a moot point and is just another selfish act in a long pattern of irresponsibility. What you have here is a dispute over money - the #1 reason for divorce. Your husband was deceitful, disrespectful, and impulsive. You are playing games & being passive/aggressive. In the end, nothing is getting accomplished & I'd say your marriage is in trouble, and that you need some heavy duty help from a 3rd party. If you can't trust your life partner with your family money, then what kind of marriage do you have? If you don't agree about such a necessary thing to live, don't you think it's a major issue? It's like having another child.

You have great ideas, Dave Ramsey has great ideas, but if your husband doesn't agree then it's not going to work well. I think sometimes with men you have to let them learn on their own the hard way. I don't say this in a mean way but it's true. Your husband may end up going bankrupt but then he might learn, might not. I think you should not be so much in the role of telling him what he can and cannot have or do but make him sit down with you and decide if he agrees with this on paper and then say this is what you agree to so this is what we are doing, right? Make him take responsibility too. I definitely don't know how you kept quiet this long. I would have been demanding time to discuss this issue immediately. You can do that calmly and then try to start planning how he can come up with extra cash to pay the car off sooner rather than later. You can pay the bills and keep things in the clear that way but you can't really keep a grown man child from buying his toys if he isn't in agreement and the money is anywhere he can find it. Please see a counselor who can help you both get this issue at least talked about and worked on. I would feel just like you do though.

It's never too late to resolve an issue. Perhaps you could make an appointment to have a talk. Then use I statements only in telling him how you feel. Do not accuse him of anything. The goal is to clear the air on your feelings.

I suggest reading Non-violent Communication. It's a system of communication during which each respects the other's feelings and words things in such a manner that they are not accusatory.

Here is their web site. http://www.cnvc.org/Training/NVC-Concepts

They say finances are one of the biggest things to come between couples. We've been married for almost 8 years and still don't' seem to have a great system. My friend and her husband are just starting Dave Ramsey- so I actually knew what you were talking about. It's definitely not mature and respectful that he, not only didn't wait for the free car, that he spent over the amount. (Though you're at fault for allowing him the $10K.)

I'm still stuck on the math though and am confused- good for you guys on paying off so much.... $38K in the first 8 months (how on earth?) but yet after 4 years, and you only have your mortgage and don't splurge ever, how is $200 for the out of pocket for a free car a stretch? I want your secret for savings!!!

I haven't read the other responses but let me just say I GET IT...at least what you are saying, not why they do it. I have had similiar situations w/ my husband. And while every marriage has it's issues, this is a big and stressful one. We've had lots of "little" things cause a rift and put distance between us and about 9 months ago, one more little thing had me ready to walk (I have a good husband and he's a good father which is why I didn't since I have our 5 year old and 14 years of marriage invested). I wrote him a letter of how I felt, briefly explaining why (not specific incidents detailed rather mentioned in passing but detailing how and why it mad me feel the way I did). I used short, clear sentences and told him something needed to change. I also found something called "Save The Marriage". It has info to read (we both read it) and then there are phone calls and extras that you can purchase too (we didn't). It may help you see each other in a different light and help you understand and relate better. One of the examples reminds me of your situation.

Good luck.

I really respect your ethic and ability to live within your means. That said, do you want to be right or do you want to be married? He sounds so angry. I think if you don't bend some you will be a single mom and I have watched the havoc that creates for your finances first hand in my sisters life. He is not going to cave. He feels entitled as he works for it. You paid off all that debt before. I am sure you can figure out the vacation. If you were my friend I would agree with your feelings but tell you to let it go. Best of luck.

I would read, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. It sounds like you can turn your marriage around in her very practical steps. It is an attitude change that in turns his head and he sees you in a totally different light.

Our marriages are such a fragile thing and we have to work hard at fixing/strengthening them every chance we get. Since you cannot afford counseling right now, go to the library and check out the book. Once you see things from your husband's perspective, he will probably come around (unless you married a child, which I doubt). I have heard about so many amazingly transformed marriages.

Honestly? First things first, you are angry and it's a very forefront and present problem. You're holding it in and it's festering while you only let out little barbs now and then. You have to sit down and have it out with him, preferably when the kids aren't around so that if you have to yell at each other to vent properly then you can. But you need to lay all the cards out on the table and tell him how what he did made you feel and how it affects the household budget. Arm yourself with a freaking pie chart and graphs if you have to. Show him exactly in pictures how this is affecting everyone in the house and explain why you're upset. Also own up to the mistake of giving in on the $10K and letting him buy a car in the first place, and how you regret doing it. You couldn't afford it but let him do it anyway.

And you definitely have to get on marriage counseling and therapy, ASAP. If he won't go, then you can start on your own without him.

Now. When it comes to this stupid car. See what the agreement was with the place he bought it from. Trade it in for a cheaper car, as cheap as they'll allow. You go with him to make the choice. Don't ever, ever let him make large purchases like this on his own again. He makes impulse buys and doesn't doesn't understand how money and trust work. He makes purchases the same way a child does, which suggests his parents never taught him how to spend appropriately.

You really need to stop harping on about this car thing. He bought a car that was over the budget you set. It's done and now you need to move on.

Sit down with your hubby and have a talk about finances again. Don't bring up the car or your hurt feelings just talk about your financial game plan. Set long and short term goals AND add in rewards for reaching the goals as you go along. The problem when you are focused on eliminating debit is that you get into a cycle where you are not allowed to spend money. If you have reward goals along the way it makes it a lot easier.

That sucks and I'm sorry. I think Victoria's answer made a lot of sense. It does seem like you need to take the time to sit down and go through the budget and ask him how he sees paying for x? How does he want to do it? How does he see a+b equaling c etc? It's amazing how bad some people are with money and I don't get it. I think it's almost like a disease. What seems to help is building something. The less money I have, the easier I spend it. It's like "eh, I don't have much anyway so what's the point?" vs "wow - look at this great savings account. I want to see it get even bigger." So it may help to show him what you can build for retirement or something else he wants without making the purchase so stressful. Finally - does he resent you're not working full time? I have to say that my husband isn't quite as good as I am financially and I have certain savings goals he thinks are ridiculously high so I don't rely on him. I work full time. I hate it in many ways but I don't think it's fair to put my financial goals on him when he doesn't really agree with them. Have you asked him how he feels about you not working full time while he works at a job he hates?... I honestly can't imagine having my husband work full time and me be so controlling with finances even though I was right if he didn't agree. Obviously he has to become more sensible but him feeling no control isn't sustainable either. I'd see if he agrees there is a problem here and what HIS solution is. Maybe it'll be for you to work full time. Or maybe he just needs you to be willing to do that so HE can then decide, no, it's not worth it etc.

Okay, I am not a councelor and totally understand you not being able to afford one also. But YOU need to sit down with him, nonconfrontationally, and tell him your feelings. Harboring them like this is only going to cause more resistment and might lead to divorce. Not good for your family. He needs to know that you are angry. He also needs to know that because he spent over the 10K alotted that vacation this summer is not an option. That you have to build the savings back up.

My husband and I went through Dave Ramsey's Plan also and it helped us tremendously. However, it only works if BOTH of you are doing it...it sounds like he is not, but you are. My husband has two jobs, both are almost full time...his real job is full time and it is a job he likes, his "part-time" job is one he absolutely hates. He plans to quit Oct 31st because by September 1st we will have paid off two credit cards and a loan. The rest is put into savings and for Christmas. We will be happy also when he quits. I too have two jobs...both are part time and his part time job makes more in a month than my two combined. I too, like you, get to spend more time with our girls and do things he doesn't get the pleasure of doing. He resents that. However, he knows he is a huge part in getting us into the situation we are in, which is why he took the second job. (Like Dave said to do) His spending is frivilous and on things that are NOT a need. He, however, understands that and was willing to work to pay for that. Dave Ramsey taught him that. Your husband needs to know that the reason you are in the situation you are in and are having to do the Dave Ramsey thing is because of his spending. Have you sat down with him to actually show him the money coming in and the money going out and what is left over? My husband had to do that with me to open my eyes. Now three years later we are almost back to normal. When he quits that dreaded second job we will only have a house note and student loans and will have our husband/dad back.

So please, for the sake of your child, talk to him. Let him know you are angry. See if he will sit down with you and look at the finances. Tell him you love him, but you need to come to a happy medium about your finances. He will need to take some ownership over them also. I do hope this all works out for you in the end. Good luck and God Bless.