Is It Wrong of Me to Be Thinking About Keeping Her Out of His Life

Always put the well being of your daughter first. If you think he is damaging her, let him petition for visitation and let him lose that right by not showing up. I hope he is paying you child support at the very least.

This question gets to me so much. I was in the same situation as your daughter. EXACT. And it's so hard, I am or I have always tried to be a daddys girl. But it is soo difficult when my dad is like that. I am 22 years old and he is still the same. I pray that your daughters father will change for the better. It is so hard for me to trust him, to confide in him And I lived with my grandparents for a few years. They are the most stable "parents" I have in my life. I honestly dont have any "GREAT" advice for you.
I just know it is hard having a dad like that, but at the same time I will always love him. I just had to keep myself distant for my sake. And she will learn that too. You can't hide her from all of the bad things in life even I know that is what we mothers want. Just try to be stable enough for her. You just gotta work extra hard hun...always make sure she knows that she can count on YOU know matter what.

The heartbreak in your story almost made me cry. I am so sorry that you have to be in a position to make this kind of choice.

First off, I wouldn't let her go with him anymore. I sincerely believe that he cares for her, but as a recovering addict I know how strong drugs can be and how much they change how you think. While he might see her as being totally safe with him, the reality may be much different. As a mother you have to do everything you must to keep her safe. I am not trying to lecture your but think about this, what if something serious happened to her?

Second, if I were in your position, I would have to cut off all contact until he could actually be there for her. She deserves a whole dad, not part of one. I think (depending on the current status of your parenting plan-if you have one) you may have to go to court to change this, but I think it will be for the best of your daughter. I don't see any issue with him seeing her if he can change his ways, but not like this. That little girl doesn't understand and definitely doesn't deserve this. I wish you the best of luck, and that things work out for the best for you all.

If there are drugs or inappropriate sexual activity (even just having different women around all the time), this is not a safe or nurturing environment for your daughter. General life rule... if it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't.

***I also want to point out that if he has petitioned the court for visitation and then does not show up, this does not cause him to lose his right to visitation. Believe me, I know.

It sounds that by letting your daughter be around him, you are allowing her to be put into a dangerous situation. My best friend struggles with this issue (really, neither one is a great parent as far as what they expose their children to) and I've seen how TERRIBLE it can be for her daughters.

You didn't write how old she is, but as she gets older she will absolutely lose all respect for him and any relationship they may have had will be ruined.

Do you want to put her at risk just to put off the inevitable?

Your daughter should NEVER be around drugs, or dumped off during a short visit.

Honestly, I think if you know that this is going on and continue to encourage "visitation," then you are being negligent.

You have to watch out for your daughter's best interest. Sometimes it isn't their best interest to have a relationship with their father (and I'm not trying to single out men...I know plenty of women that sound like that too.)

Do what's best for her! Good for you for wondering.

This man is an emotional abuser. Your daughter is learning that men do not live up to their promises. I feel the best thing for your daughter is to keep away from him for many reasons. 1) She will not learn healthy relationships and will believe all men are like him. 2) The last thing you want is to have to pick up your daughter at the police station or have her taken from you if the person he has dumped her with is arrested for drugs. 3) Your daughter will begin to believe the negative things he is saying about you and begin to disrespect you.
I too grew up in a very disfunctional family it took a long time for me to realize that not everyone is negative, drunk, and abusive. The best thing you can do for yourself and your daughter is to get into counseling and heal yourself. Find out what you want in this life for yourself and for your daughter. Then go out and get it. Teach your daughter to have goals and to make something out of her life. If he does come back when she is older she will have the tools to deal with him.
Good luck you have a long road ahead of you, but you have taken the first few steps by asking for help, the rest will get easier.

I had a father just like this.....and took me until my mid 20's to learn how to trust a man, depend on a man, feel safe and secure with a man, etc. and I still have to "work" at it. He is by far a better Grandpa than he ever was a Dad and for that I am grateful. But I am very protective of my kids with him...I don't tell them he is coming to see them until he is actually in town. I don't tell them Grandpa will be at your football game today (even if he is in town) until he is actually there and I can see the whites of his eyes. It's very sad. I still can't trust him or take his word for anything and I think I do that so as to protect my children from the same hurt and disappointment my Dad caused me as a child/teen/young adult.
I don't have any answers for you ~ you have to follow your heart. I just wanted you to know the kind of damage it can do if you allow it to continue.

Your job as her mama is to protect her at all costs. If her dad isn't ready to be a good dad right now-- back off on her seeing him. Have it be whenever he comes around-no expectations or schedules--but when he comes around, great but she isn't counting on him coming or making promises. Don't let him have her overnight either--if he is just going to drop her off somewhere else etc. She should be in a loving, stable home environment--if you are providing that for her, don't mess with the routine. Best wishes.

M

What about supervised visits...

It sounds like you have a problem trusting others and find the only solution is to remove them from your life as much as possible. I can understand why you feel that way about people who have bad drug habits and drinking habits, I wouldn't want my children around them either. To put your child where there may be drugs is very irresponsible and could have family services take the child so I am glad you are doing what you can to keep your daughter from that situation. Supervised visitations are the only way I would let someone that may let her around someone on drugs, encluding her dad. Supervised could be at his mother's house, your house or a trusted friends house. Don't be afraid to bring up the drug issue to the judge if you end up in court. This is your daughter's daddy and a disappointing daddy is better then no daddy in her eyes so the best thing to do is not let him make promises to her. If he said he was going to take her swimming and he doesn't show back up, don't wait around for him, take her swimming yourself, or to the park or movie. Hold her when she cries for him and tell her that you love her and hate to see her hurting but don't go into how bad daddy is, she already knows he doesn't keep his promises. Remember that if something happened to you, your daughter would go to her daddy and if he is a stranger to her because you cut him out of her life, it would make a tramatic situation even more tramatic. While we don't ever think something will happen to us, it is something to concider (my son was only 22 when he was killed in an accident and his daughter was 3 at that time). Go with supervised visitations and talk with him about never promising her anything so she doesn't get disappointed if he wouldn't follow through.

getting the courts involved is usually the best way (because if you deny him rights to see her he could easily take you to court over it) but it doesnt always make things better.

you could move and give a distance. that way he would have to put in effort to see her, and if he doesnt, then its his choice.

i would stop being best friends with his mother. its not going to help you.

and i would stop loving this man because its obvious that hes not going to ever treat you with respect. how can you love a man who is disrespectful toward women! this is not what love is. he might be hot, you might share a past and a child, but hes NOT in love with you. if he were in love with you, even just a little, he would move heaven and earth to be with you, nothing would stop him. this man does not and will not love you no matter what you do. he doesnt love you. move on.

anyway, if you are the praying kind, prayer helps. but honestly, you dont have a lot that you can really do to legally keep her from him. i mean, even abusers arent kept from their children; courts are hesitant to take away parental rights unless there is extreme reasons. so its unlikely you would get help through the courts really...

anyway just be a great mom. the better mom you are, the better you teach your daughter what being a respectful woman is all about. if he hardly sees her anyway, than what harm is it really going to do anyone if the situations under which he sees her are less than desireable? maybe you could arrange that your daughter stay with his mom (since you guys get along) and he can spend the weekend with his daughter when shes with his mom; hopefully at least, he would be able to have time with her while at the same time you protect her from his social life? does that make any sense? LOL
anyway good luck

Updated

getting the courts involved is usually the best way (because if you deny him rights to see her he could easily take you to court over it) but it doesnt always make things better.

you could move and give a distance. that way he would have to put in effort to see her, and if he doesnt, then its his choice.

i would stop being best friends with his mother. its not going to help you.

and i would stop loving this man because its obvious that hes not going to ever treat you with respect. how can you love a man who is disrespectful toward women! this is not what love is. he might be hot, you might share a past and a child, but hes NOT in love with you. if he were in love with you, even just a little, he would move heaven and earth to be with you, nothing would stop him. this man does not and will not love you no matter what you do. he doesnt love you. move on.

anyway, if you are the praying kind, prayer helps. but honestly, you dont have a lot that you can really do to legally keep her from him. i mean, even abusers arent kept from their children; courts are hesitant to take away parental rights unless there is extreme reasons. so its unlikely you would get help through the courts really...

anyway just be a great mom. the better mom you are, the better you teach your daughter what being a respectful woman is all about. if he hardly sees her anyway, than what harm is it really going to do anyone if the situations under which he sees her are less than desireable? maybe you could arrange that your daughter stay with his mom (since you guys get along) and he can spend the weekend with his daughter when shes with his mom; hopefully at least, he would be able to have time with her while at the same time you protect her from his social life? does that make any sense? LOL
anyway good luck

If it was me I would see what my options are and do the most extreme of them. The older they get the more they remember. My 6 and 8 year old might remember a moment or two from when they are 3 but overall they don't remember. (thank god, being a new parent!) As she gets older she'll remember more and more.

And yes if his mother wants to help and see her she should see her son is a brat at best and talk to him.