Issues with My 3 Year Olds Father

I'm kind of in the same boat with you. my baby's daddy has nothing to do with her. i used to asked him if he would want to take her or come over and see her and have dinner with us and he would say yes, but then cancel on us. i use to tell haley that daddy was coming, but i learned my lesson with that. fi don't tell her anything unless he really shows up. i don't think you are controlling him. i think if he chooses this other women over his own daughter he's not a good daddy. haley's dad is the same way. he chooses work and his other child over her. his whole family is like that. they can only love one. i hate that for her. i finally stopped asking him to come over and see her and she eventually stopped asking. when she does ask me i just tell her that daddy's working. she hardly ever asks me anymore about daddy. plus i have my brothers and dad who have taken her under their wing, so that helped me out a little too. i hope things work out for you. i would definately try to sit down with him and talk to him about a schedule and work things out that way. i tried that and it worked for a little while until summer came along. even when we were together and lived in the same house, he never did anything with her. i really do hope things work out b/c i don't know what i would do without my dad around or my brothers.

Hey, if I was you I when he does come over for a visit, you just wait until he gets settled in with playing with her and say I need to run out and pick something up. even if you just drive down the road and set for a few. Don't stay gone long and the next time he comes over, go again and stay gone alittle longer. This will let him see that he can watch her alone, and you will get a little me time. And if that doesn't work when he wants to come over just tell him you have a sitter going to come over so you can go and pick up a few things. just something you can try.

There are a couple of things that aren't clear here, like when do you sleep if you work 3rd shift, who watches the child while you work/sleep, and what days/hours does he work. If he works a M-F, 8-5 job, and you sleep in the evenings, do you expect him to take off work to come visit the child? That's unreasonable. You need to be willing to change your life a little too. If his days off are Sat./Sun., you need to make arrangements so that he can also see the child on HIS days off too, not just yours. If some of the times are at his convenience, then he will be more relaxed and nicer to you, won't be stressed from work, tired of bouncing from house to house, getting the bums rush when you decide it's time for him to leave, or worried about whatever attitude he may be getting from the other woman when he gets home. Do you trust him to take care of the child alone? If so, then he needs to step up, and do so. This means weekend visitations at his house. It can start off with just a few hours, and build up to a normal weekend visitation every other week, as is normal. The child does have a right to know her half-sister. If he keeps denying her this opportunity, then she could become resentful of him in the future. If the other woman is truly opposed to this, then the father needs to address this issue with her, and stand up for his rights. He could just be saying this to avoid the responsibility of taking care your child. Your daughter is no longer an infant, so she is not "too little" for him to care for. There may be some separtion anxiety at first, but that is normal, and as the father, he should be able to comfort her, and eventually, each visit will get easier for everyone. The longer you wait, the harder it will be because she may be afraid to go with him. It is not fair for you to be expected to raise this child alone, while he just comes to visit like an uncle. He is a FATHER, and has got to step up to his responsibilities. You may not be trying to control him, but you are controlling the situation so that it is all on your terms. You both should take some parenting classes, the other woman may need to get involved too if she is truly throwing a wrench in the works. I don't know why you don't have a child support and/or visitation schedule that is set through the court system, but your way is obviously not working, so hire an attorney, and get this in place. Once everything is "mutually agreed upon", then there will be no need for either of you to try to control the other. You two are stuck together for many years to come, so you've got to try to meet each others needs from time to time, stop using the child as a pawn in your battles against one another. She is getting old enough to recognize negativity and anger between the two of you. As parents, you two may have to switch weekends on occasion, as vacations and holiday plans may interfere with the normally "scheduled" visits. Be mutually accomodating about this. It's time for both of you to stop being juvenile, and make the decision to do what is in the best interest of the child that you two chose to bring into this world.

I'm assuming you knew a little about this guy's life(style) when you had a 'fling' with him, and you chose to 'do it' anyway. Anyway, that's beyond the point -- which is: 'Does your daughter need a man like this being the main male influence in her life? Millions of children have grown up without a 'natural' father in their lives, and -- sad but true -- many fathers who ARE 'in the picture' have done their children more damage than good (this from a 50 yr old who had a WONDERFUL father and who has a WONDERFUL husband/father (32 years). I have a long story, but it's meaningful. A prominent greeting card company decided to provide Mother's Day cards for prisoners for free so that they could greet their mothers on their special day. The demand was overwhelming and they had to order more cards. The card co. thought it would be a good idea to offer the same option for Father's Day. Not ONE inmate took them up on it. Quite a testimony, huh? I'm sure you've heard that 'almost any man can be a father, but it takes someone REALLY SPECIAL to be a 'daddy'. Unless there can be some true agreement (legal, if necessary) for visitation, maybe it's not worth it after all . . .

On the other hand, are you being fully reasonable about your exoectations of him, either?

I would go through the courts and have it all on paper when the visitations will be and would include that way you have a start and a finish he has to leave by ... time. Also are you getting financial support? He does seem like a child. I think all young girls need a strong male figure in their life, he doesn't seem very strong.

Obviously the father has had several flings and he's not too interested in actively raising any child. You should go on with your life and some day he will realize the importance of spending time with his daughter. Until then, go to court and have visitation times/places decided by them. You are right in not bad-mouthing him - your daughter will figure all things out eventually. Been there....

M.,

Does he pay support? Do you have a court order for visitation and support? If not get it. You are living your life revolving around him and it is not fair to either you and especially not fair to your daugther. Although she deserves to have both parents, it is not good for her to see the infantile way this man is behaving. Let life revolve around you and your daughter and let him know in no uncertain terms that he will see your daughter on your terms not his. If he choses to pitch a fit, either hang up on him or kick him out. He has no right to do this to you especially if he is with another woman.

This is a tricky situation and I know a lot of people will say any father is better than no father at all, however, I don't beleive that. A child learns more from watching parents together and how they act than from what you sit down and teach them. She may think it is right that if she doesn't get her way to throw a fit with anyone!! What happens when she starts school? Teachers won't put up with that!! Set down your terms, if he does not agree to them then take him to court and have the court set out the terms. He will have no choice bt to listen to that.

I wish you a lot of luck on this and hope you have family around you to help you through this. You need someone to support you through this because it won't be easy.

E.

I bet you are putting up with this because you don't want to be ugly and you are afraid if you don't that he will not ever want to see his child. I bet that all of this is because you are still in love with him and want to be around him. I may be totally way off... not sure.
But lets say I am right: First of all was this other woman his wife when you all had the fling? If so, you can't hold not letting your child be a part of her family. And I am sure that she is on him hard to leave you alone. She is feeling like you just messed up her and their child's world. Not fair to you or your child because it is not her fault. It does take 2 to tango. But you have to understand how the wife would feel about an affair plus an illigitimate child. It would take a really special person to handle that.
But what should you do now? Sounds like he is trying to play your sympathy. No more lunch visits. No more chasing him and allowing him to rule. Next time he comes for a visit just tell him what you want and tell him why you have got to do something else. You work nights for God's sake and you are doing the best that you can. See if you can talk about it first. If talking isn't working it out, ask him does he want to go to court and have regular visit. My guess he doesn't because he would have to take the child all weekend to his house or somewhere. That may cause more problems. If he doesn't want to take your child, I am not sure that I would want him to, even though you want to be a family really bad and have your child have a father. Does he really want to see her or does he just feel an obligation or is he just trying to satisfy you?
You seem very intelligent with your writing. Your letters make me very surprised to see that you were messing with a man in a relationship. But that is beside the point.
I think that first you have to ask yourself why is he really there and why are you really making it so convenient for him. That is the BIG question and the first thing that needs to be worked out.
Are you seeing anyone else? Do you plan on it?
I liked one woman's comments, that anyone can be a father but it takes a real special person to be a daddy. Maybe if he really doesn't want to see the child and he is doing it just for your sake or for obligation, do you really want him in her life under those circumstances? Sometimes it may be better to break away and do it all alone.
It is just something that you will have to dig way down in your heart to see what is going on and how to fix it.
I hope you get it worked out.
Good luck

M., all of the things that you have asked of this man seems reasonable. He has to be the one putting forth the effort to see his daughter not you. There is absolutely no reason why you should have to take your daughter to see him on his lunch break. He is an adult and should make every attempt to see his child. He is playing childish games and blaming you for everything because he really does not care to see your daughter. He wants an excuse to leave the situation alone. Lay the groundwork. Tell him that when he visits his daughter that is strictly their time, stop making excuses, and be a father.

First of all you admitted your child is a product of a fling and you were aware of his relationship with someone else. Mistake #1 made by the two of you adults.
Your child is the most important element in this situation. Not the childs doing. You say you are doing all you can but it seems both of you are still concerned with yourselves. You are so afraid you are going to be inconvenienced. Why not let him stay at your house with her and you go out? Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable with her so young to take her out. Maybe he is thinking about her safety and well-being. I know you can tell I am the mother of a son with a child. I do think sometimes mother's get the feeling that they are the only ones in control. It is his child also. I know you would like to know when he is coming and to alleviate that problem just set specific times and days for the visitation and you will always know. Calling does probably make him feel that you are dictating when he can see his child. You need to step back and look at this picture objectively instead of from your "I" aspect. Try and see this from other's views. Your child needs to know her father and if the two of you can act like adults she will be the one to benefit. Neither of you should say bad things about each other in front of the child. She is the victim not you and her father.

I do not see it as you controlling him. You have a daughter you are raising and triing to help her have a relationship with her father. Although that sounds great, if it puts too much stress on you, you do need to tell him no more. You ex and your daughter should know why you should limit visitation in you home or at YOUR own convenience, not his. You can also tell him no more. Tell him if he wants to see his daughter he will have to pick her up at a certain time and drop her off at a certain time. She will eventually learn that he has chosen this woman over his daughter. That grave he is digging himself. It is frustrating when ex's put you in the middle like that. Don't let him make you feel guilty. And if he stresses you out being at your house, that makes it hard to be all the mom you can be. Try to be strong, if he doesn't have the guts to stand up to his new woman, he can't be a good daddy.
Good luck
A.

This sounds ridiculous. I would get a lawyer and get visitation set up. He is taking advantage of you, sounds like a jerk and this is not good for you or your daughter. If you can not afford a lawyer, call one and see how much they would charge you for them to write a letter to him stating that if he does not listen to your requests he will be summoned to court and made to accept every other weekend with his daughter at his residence AND be paying child support. The two of you work out a schedule that is best for you and stick to it. Don't let him in your home anymore! How are you supposed to ever get a boyfriend with him hanging around??? Men like this make me so mad b/c women are too nice to them and they take advantage. You set the rules and mean what you say. If his lady friend at home will not let your child over there, maybe he should give up his rights. Not sure how you would feel about that but, does he pay child support? Does he do anything that your daughter needs in her life, other than just sitting there and saying he is her dad? I would break free and he is to just pick her up OUT FRONT and drop her off OUT FRONT. Does his lady friend know he hangs out with you for so long? Tell him you are going to tell her! ahhh

:o) Good luck, W.

i agree with Ellen. you need to get a court order for support and visitation. if he is granted visitation on weekends, and he wont take her to his home, than he wont see her. his visits with her should never be in your home, because it is so unhealthy for your daughter to see the dynamic between you and him. even if you are able to be civil, she will be able to tell that it is strained. you sound like such a good mom, and a really strong woman, and you cant let this man change your path.

While I can understand and sympathise that you are in a difficult situation. I have to agree with Ingrid. It appears that you are using your daughter to gain control over a situation that has NO boundries or consistancy. I would hope that within all this, you all have gone to a lawyer to work out custody, visitation, and child support. You need some concrete and consistant guidlines for BOTH of you to follow. Set specific dates and times for Dad to be with his daughter....he shouldn't have to be with you to see her. Give him credit also for trying....many Dad's just don't. :( Best of luck to you and this situation.

I am so sorry that you are having to go through all of this. Life is hard enough without people making it unnecessarily harder. Maybe you could set up a specific day and time for visitations with your child's father. Also, instead of him coming to your house set up a place to meet. Perhaps the first few times you can meet him at an entertaining place for your daughter (i.e. McDonald's with a playground, kids discovery center, or park). That way he can entertain her and you can leave. Then at the end of visitation time you can come back and pick your daughter up. Just suggestion. I hope this works out for you! Good Luck!

If you are sure you are not enjoying the drama of this, file a child support order and let the court set up visitation. This will take the stress off you of adhering to his indecisiveness and allowing him to control your time. If the girlfriend doesn't like the arrangement so what? this is not about her. If he doesn't abide by the court's visitation that's on him, not you.

I read the responses before mine and I dont think you are the one whose
controling. His other woman is controling him and hes manipulating you
based on her controling him.

His being in a relationship with someone else on and off for 10 years
is the first clue that he is not willing to commit to any one at this
time.

The other woman is controlling him. It should be his choice as to how,
when, where and how much time he spends with your daughter. As he is the
father of the half sister he also has a say in what goes on in her life
unless he is not married to the mother of the half sister.

You have every right to know when he is coming to visit. It is not being
unreasonable to ask him to call first nor to ask him to take her out for
his time with her.

I would suggest you get an attorney and let him/her take the father to
court and let the judge or court appointed mediator set the terms for
visitation. If the father dont abide by them, take him back to court
and have his visitation rights stopped.

Document every time he calls and says hes coming and then dont show up.
Document any thing you think is important to the well being of yourself and
child.

You have done everything possible to meet his needs as to time and place for
his visitation and it isnt good enough for him. Now is the time for court
ordered visitation.

Your daughter is old enough for alone time with her father. He just is not
wanting that alone time. You have every right not to have their visitation
in your home. Your daughter will learn as she grows older what kind of
father she has. It is best not to bad mouth him to her. I dont think you
should let your daughter see the way he puts you down and treats you in yours
and hers own home. This isnt healthy for her or you.

It takes 2 to make a relationship work and you are doing the best you can to
make it work visitation wise with him. He is not willing to commit to yours
and his daughter so maybe it would be best to get him out of your lives now
before your daughter gets hurt. Give him the choice, court ordered viitation
that he will abide by or termination of his parental rights.

Good luck to you, in whatever you decide to do.

Ok sis, u need some legal help. U didnt say if he is helping with her finanacially? I had this problem. Went to the courts. He was given supervised vistation, a court appointed person was with him while he was with the kids. That way the baby doesnt have to listen to his mouth nor u, and u dont have to worry about her health nor urs. If he acts up while during these visits, well he wont get anymore. At the same time u can request that he doesnt call u,any questions will go thru the court person.Good luck sis.

Hi M., since you cannot come to an agreement on some structure with your daughter, I would suggest putting her best interests first in your decisions on how to handle this, and get the legal ball rolling. You have no legal marital commitments, and if your relationship with him deteriorates further, well, bad news for the future. I would, for her protection, get a lawyer to draw up a custody/visitation agreement. Structure his time with her, and his financial commitments, all, again, for her protection. If you no longer have a desire to have a relationship with this man, you should have no reason for him to be hanging around your house. He should HAVE to take him to her house or have her on an outing. I would present it delicately to him, as if it's what you're supposed to do, and it has nothing to do with vindication, control, etc. Anyone should understand that legally there needs to be some commitments in this situation, since you are not married. And the structure of when visitations will occur will help everyone involved. Good luck!

I just want to say that I have been in your situation and there's absolutely only one way to resolve it- a court order. I know court is the last thing you want to do, and I will admit it's not fun at all, but totally worth it in the end. A little about my story....I dated my son's father for 6 years and then we had a child together. When my child was a year old, the father advised me that he wanted to split up. I later found out he had been seeing someone else. A few months after that, he was engaged to her. Now they have been married for 5 years and have 3 kids of their own. His wife hates my guts for no reason, because I was in his life before she was. I am treated like the "other woman", even though I was in his life for 6 years before she ever showed up. She has manipulated him into trying to stay away from my child, not pay child support,etc. and she has talked badly of me in front of my child. A court order has put a stop to all of this. Our current parenting plan dictates EVERYTHING-from where the child spends his holidays, to which parent makes decisions about education, religion, etc. No more arguing back and forth with him and his wife, who think they are ALWAYS RIGHT and I'm just an idiot who doesn't know how to care for my own child. Keep in mind, he lives with me full time and they only see him 2 times a month!! I think I'm in the better position to make most decisions concerning my child, and the court agrees. Child support- comes directly out of his paycheck into my checking account.......no excuses, no exceptions. It eliminates most arguments between he and I because if either of us deviates from the parenting plan, then contempt of court has taken place. Trust me, court may be a pain in the beginning, but it's the only way you will ever have any peace and security in this situation.

sounds like you've got your hands full and it seams to be at your expence as well as your daughters.I personally would go and write up a agreement and have him sign it just like the court does in divorce cases so he knows his rights and responcibilitys it would be worth going to friend of the court and having a legal document.then you could say the days and times he could visit as well as if he didnt call by a certain time you could make other plans.yet then if he wasent willing to do that I dont know if you could force the issue.I dont understand why your daughter isnt allowed to be around her 1/2 sibling unless the other mother dont want to accept that they are family,and I find that sad becouse one day they might need each other.best wishes hope you can come to aggreement that will be fair to everyone involved

Well it sounds like you are making all the effort for your daughter to have her father in her life..way to go!!.Like you said he most likely his wife is giving him grief for having an affair and getting you pregnant.SHE cant handle that her daughter isnt the only one in his life and doesnt want to share.They both need to grow up a little and deal with the situation.She has to get over what happened and he needs to stand up to her by telling her he is going to see your daughter.

I think what you have to tell him is that yes he can come and see his daughter but set up a time,place and day.Say between 2-4 Thursday afternoon at the park(example only)This will give you some time alone,he will get to see his daughter & she will get to see her father.It will set boundaries.He wont be able to just stay at your place until you have to ask him to leave.Plus this will also let his wife know when he is seeing your daughter and just maybe everything will work out for yall..good luck..
S. B

Hi M.,
Gee, let me see here....you and this "gentleman" had a fling and your 4 year old daughter is the product of that? And, he has another child with the woman he's been with for a decade? You want your daughter to bond, or know her other sibling and that isn't what the family he's connected to want to have happen, so...he's coming to your home to visit, doesn't give you notice, doesn't know when to leave? Okay, if that's the problem you have, if I've read it correctly, I'd say you have to not just act like the adult, you have to be the adult and realize that your part of this equation was your choice, and you bare the responsibility as an adult. Now I guess you have to protect her from his tantrums and childlike behavior because these displays between you and he will change who she is forever. Your daughter wants a "dad", she didn't ask to be born to share someone else's dad....so I'd say you have to absolutely be the adult now. If he stays too long for visits, when he does show up, can you leave for an hour or so? You have to do whatever it takes now to accomodate your daughter"s well being and needs. If it feels to you as though you are parenting him and it's a lopesided proportion of responsibility, you're right, it started out like that, it isn't going to change. If he's prone to taking tantrums when you "ask" him to leave because he's overstayed his welcome, then either allow them to "bond" and you take that time to shop or do errands. If you don't want them to be alone together when he overstays his welcome, ask a friend or relative to help out by being there when he visits, again you leave and not exchange anything negative in front of your daughter. I guess you know him very well, it sounds as if you know his behavior before, during and after a visit, so as they say "knowledge is power". Don't use your daughter as a weapon, make this part of her life as easy for her as possible. If you see it as being "his" parent, perhaps you could change the way you look at this and remind yourself that you are her parent. That means you may have to endure being a mother that never has "scheduled" free time. I don't think you have to clarify anything to some folks at all. He's never acted responsibly before or shown good character, why would he now? It's as if you're upset with a man with no legs or arms and yelling at him to grow them. It is what it is. As mothers, we always give it all up for our children, so don't be confused as to whom you are giving everything up for. You are giving it all up for her, not him. Good luck parenting your daughter, I didn't read much about her, but I bet she's just wonderful in spite of it all.