Is It Wrong? - Dickinson,TX

Don't tell people where the house is you're looking at.
Don't take them with you.
You both go view it and if you like it......you buy it. (As long as you can afford it.)
You're the ones that are going to live in it......and pay the mortgage.
Go alone! :)

I see where he's coming from, but I don't think it's "wise" to ignore knowledge or advice from people who just might have a little more experience/wisdom on the topic...

I would respect my husband's wishes on this issue . . . I don't think it is an unreasonable request.

It seems like your husband just wants to make this huge life decision with his wife....not with his wife and her mother, sister and 2 close friends:) I would say that perhaps you should respect his request.

I can understand your husband's feelings...this is a decision that is very important to the two of you and the two of you need to be the ones making that decision. It may seem to him that other people's opinions are more important to you that his opinion...or maybe he just resents the fact that his MIL is being so opinionated.
My suggestion would be to honor his wishes and keep the house hunting discussions just between the two of you for now. If your Mom or others ask...tell them you are "making up your minds" and leave it at that.

Well, I can see his point. It's really no one's business but yours & his. It's a very personal thing, we all have our own ideas of what the ideal home/neighborhood is. No one wants to hear a negative opinion on a home that they think might be "the one". Besides, you know what they say about opinions...

Personally, for the sake of maintaining harmony & sanity, I would comply with his wishes. It's a small sacrifice, and it will make the home buying process easier & less stressful, in the long run.

its already a stressful situation and your hubby would like for you not to discuss it with anyone. be respectful of him and do what you would like if you were asking him. let the discussing be between your and your spouse. and definatly not your sister who might say something to your mom. its just not a good idea. treat your hubby like you would want him to treat you. and happy house hunting.

how weird. i can totally understand him wanting to make his own decisions without other people's negativity, but to demand that you don't even discuss this huge decision with people who are important in your life?
that's really really oppressive.
khairete
S.

The decision should really be between you and your husband. We didn't include ANY family in our decision because they all (on both sides) had strong opinions as to which towns to choose and how far away from our familial homes we should be because of ease of access and school systems. It made us miserable and very stressed out. We ended up discussing things with my best friend and her husband, and when there was a house that was relatively near her we invited her to come look at it with us so that she could help me watch the kids during the walk-through. We ended up buying that house. :-)

Family just gets too emotional about it and just like when you name your baby or are planning a wedding they offer too many unsolicited emotional opinions based on their own biases.

I understand what you are saying, but he is ASKING you to not talk about
it with others. Listen to his wishes. If you want to talk about it or discuss, it, just do it with your husband.

I am going to guess there is more to it. Buying a house is one of the largest purchases you will ever make. It is personal to him and I can understand not wanting or caring what other say, except if it is negative, and then he would not want to hear it unless it is only from you.

I learned a long time ago to limit the info about my life that I give to my mom. I made the mistake once of sharing some financial issues we were going thru and now to this day if we go shopping together she will still comment on something I want to buy and ask if I "really NEED it". Referring to my money issues. So hubby is right, this is the home you and he are going to be sharing, not anyone else. Wait until you put in an offer and its accepted to share the details with your family and friends. Otherwise its too much stress on everyone. Good luck and congrats on being able to buy a home!

I can understand your husband! Buying a house is stressful! but I can also understand you, remember that men and women do things in a different way.

For me, as you know who you are talking about it, that is fine, you should be able to ask opinions or just talk about your house options, as long you remember that is only the two of you who are making the decision..... When I say that you should know who you talk about it is for experience. When we were looking for house, my sister, that has a much, much better economic situation would have never liked or consider any of the houses in my price range.... why even bother on my part? If we liked it, and were taking the steps to make sure we were making an informed decision, then that's what counts.

I think that we women need to talk about just everything, but you also need to respect your husband, so talk with one or two of your friends, let your husband know that you will do it, and explain him why but keep specially the bad comments for yourself, and make sure that your decision is based in what you think about the houses and options not for what any other person thinks...

As for listings.... never discard a good option without visiting the actual house, they always look so different and FEEL so different from just a listing than actually being there.... when I found my house, I remember saying... I like it, I can live here!

Do not bring your friends to visit the houses (just a joke)
Good luck, how exciting to be looking for new houses!!!!

YOU are buying the home, not your mom or your sister or your friends...this home HAS to work FOR YOU and YOUR lifestyle.

If you have your budget and what you've been approved for on the mortgage...look at 3 to 5 homes a day - take a camera with you as well as a tape measurer and a notebook.

Write a list of pros and cons up for each home you look at. Do you have to compromise on anything? If so - see if it will work for you and your life...

Go to the neighborhoods during the AM, afternoon and PM.....especially on the weekends IF you are looking for a kid -friendly neighborhood...you will see what kind of "action" goes down!!

now as far as sharing...I would wait until you and your husband have it narrowed down to THREE (3) homes and talk to friends about it. I agree that you shouldn't let one apple spoil the bunch - but wait until you are down to three homes....the stress will be different!!

GOOD LUCK!!

Women are a lot more vocal then men. Men have a problem and they like to go away by themselves and hide it away. It seems to be strange to me because we are both so different and yet we are attracted to each other. I don't like people to know anything about my life especially my financial business. There are some people who are very vindictive and do not want anyone to have anything better then what they have. It is very sad because we all finish the game of life the same way in the end so we might as well help each other. It took me many trials to figure out who to talk to. Not everyone is nice and wants other to succeed. This is what he is thinking. I think I would ask your sister for her opinion and make sure she knows that you value her knowledge and she should keep things a secret.

We had all sorts of "feedback" when we purchased our home. We had it built. My brother and sil bought one the same year. They didn't tell anyone till last minute as we did too. We went looking then made it official we were going to buy. We needed a pro and con list. The next house we build will have better upgrades, more outlets, electrical installed, etc. You can always change the carpet and paint. So it's good to have some insight. But as someone else said your buying the house and going to pay the bill, not the others.

I think lots of women like to talk things out. We like to talk out loud, bounce ideas off others we respect and get input.

Men usually don't. They like to think about it, mull it over, etc.

I don't think there's anything wrong with having two different styles, but I think if you want to "consult" friends, then do it on your own time and don't share with your husband. And tell your friends as much. I'd keep your mother out of it. She's bound to say something that will get back to your husband.

You don't have to hide from or disrespect your husband's wishes, just tell him that this is how you "mull things over" and you appreciate that he doesn't want outside input. Just make sure that any conversations about "house hunting" are only between the two of you (in his company) and that your friends understand it's not an open topic of discussion with him.

I understand what you are going through! My hubby hates it when I talk to my sister and my mom because they are SOOO opinionated. I think finding advisers that aren't as EMOTIONALLY invested in you is a good idea. My mom does things out of fear, so logic doesn't play a heavy role in her advice.

I'm with your husband on this one.

Lots of good advice already, but if this is your first home, someone else may see things you aren't even aware of (as either "bad" or good) and it's always a good idea to have someone not emotionally "attached" looking too! Take someone who is an engineer or builder or contractor with you. You will only see what the sellers want you to see, but someone with a different "eye" will see thru that!! We had our first house built and there were some things from the model I wish I would have had my father along to point out - some changes we could have made that would have made my life much easier!!
With someone along, they may only point out negative - but that's what YOU want - you'll see the positive, but you'll have information to make an informed decision!
It's soooo much fun looking for houses. Take along a notebook and write down each address and the pros and cons as you're walking thru. Or on the back of the printed out listing w/photo the relator gives you. Yes, It takes a few minutes longer, but in the long run - they all start melting together in your mind and it's hard to remember after a couple days of looking. Have FUN!!

Sounds like he isnt comfortable with them knowing your financial situation and would like to keep that part private. Maybe if you let him know that you are only sharing what the house looks like and not any of the "deal" part, he will be more comfortable with you sharing.
He may have really liked the place that your mom was negative about and it bummed him out?
Respect his wishes on this, people shouldnt know what you are spending, interest rate and all that if he's not comfy sharing that info.

I actually really appreciated comments from friends and family about the different houses we bought, or considered buying. It was helpful to hear my mom's perspective (after raising 4 kids) about how a space might or might not work for my kids and I. There were also negative comments about things I *liked* about the houses; and yes, that irritated me, but not to the point of not showing or talking about potential houses anymore.

When my husband and I were house shopping (both times) we didn't discuss the listings with others.
We did discuss things in general (do you like having laundry upstairs near the bedrooms/down stairs near the kitchen/laundry room as you come in the garage?)(what do you like about an attached garage vs separate garage?). Seeking out a little bit about what works for them can help you decide what might work well for you, but YOU have to weigh the pluses/minuses of each house you look at to figure what is the right mix of options.
When we made our choice and moved, our Christmas card that year included pictures of our new house and new address (so everyone could update the address books).
There were SO many options, but ultimately we were the ones who were going to be living there and it was what we liked/wanted that mattered most.

My husband and I had walked through our house as a sample before we purchased it - someone else was actually starting the building process. So we benefitted from a lot of extras that he had already paid for :). However, I did tell my whole family and some close friends about the different houses we had looked at along the way. People who already own know things they love and don't love in their houses and some of them are great suggestions. I'd maybe not tell them EVERYTHING, but I do talk to people - regardless of what my husband would say.

I would suggest to honor his wishes by not telling anyone, except your sister. You know that your sister will keep your confidence and not say anything to anyone. Other than her I wouldn't tell anyone. Good luck in your search!

I think half the fun of buying a new home would be to talk about it with friends and family. But your M. made a negitive comment about one and now hubby is upset and doesnt want that to happen again. I guess you need to back off a bit and let him cool down and then explain to him how you will enjoy the whole process more if you share it with someone else besides him. But then promise him that no one will give any opinions and make sure you lay down the law with those you let in on the details that they are not allowed to say anything bad about the house in front of him. Its not normal to never tell anyone else about house hunting, unless youre running from the law..lol

Buying a home is a big life purchase. I think you should be able to share your excitement/ and or concerns. Feedback is important. If you choose not to talk with anyone be sure you get a house inspection before you purchase the home, so you know what issues the home may have. Sometimes a friend/ family member might do this. Sometimes an outside perspective can give good insight into a home, that you may not have thought about.
Your post also raises another concern about the control your husband has, and not being able to share /talk with others. I do understand his not wanting to have neg. comments about a home, but to say not to say anything is very controlling.
Good luck with the house hunting. It is a very exciting and stressful time.

I'd just tell him that you really want to process with your sister, it's how your wired but you will ask her not to say anything to your mom. Also, don't mention anything your sister says to your husband. I think if you just tell him you need a girlfriend to chatter over house hunting with, he will get it. House hunting is stressful, sounds like he is overreacting but if you go to him calmly and just ask for a little something, he will probably relent. Sometimes men just say something extreme but don't really mean it. He could really mean that he doesn't want you to talk to your mom about it. My husband is like this when he gets stressed, he will say something really extreme, like that we shouldn't eat out at all anymore bc we need to save money. Well, I know this is not realistic, but I'll just say 'ok hon'. Then, LATER, I'll go back and say something like 'you know, I agree we need to save money, you think we should cut back eating out to like twice per month?' Then he will see on his own he was a little over the top and we can talk about it. The key is give him a little time to cool out and don't be defensive when you go to talk, and if he's anything like mine, he will be willing to give a little. Good luck!! When we were house hunting I would have hated not being able to talk things over with my closest friends and my mama!!

compromise....let him know you won't talk to your mom but you would like to at least talk about your excitement & bounce off questions/concerns with 'Beth & Sara'.

I am going to go Biblical on you, here is a link to Proverbs 15:22... choose the translation you like best...
http://bible.cc/proverbs/15-22.htm

Also, just because they advise doesn't mean you have to FOLLOW that advice!