Include Parents And/or In-laws in Major Decision?

I would have liked to but didn't have that option (my mom had passed away and my dad had a stroke). My parents had a lot of experience and knowledge that I did not have as a young home buyer. I would have respected their opinions, valued their advice, but ultimately the decision would have been mine to make.

We included my MIL, because she loves house hunting and made helpful observations.
We have a good relationship with my ILs (my parents have both passed on) so their opinions are always welcome. But part of the reason we have a good relationship with them is because I don't think they try to push their views on us, they are very live-and-let-live kind of people.

ETA: my FIL didn't come along to look at houses very much because it's not something he enjoys. He was happy for us all the same and we didn't care either way.

I love my parents and respect them, which is exactly why I would never include them in choosing a house for me and my husband. It would inevitably lead to feeling irritated and resentful, either them toward me or me toward them. Nope. I didn't want anyone - my parents or my inlaws - involved in the process. Then again, I didn't want them in the labor and delivery room with me, which is another situation women bring their parents into and I think is totally bizarre. I will never understand that!

Yes, for sure my mum was involved. In fact she found the house we are living in now! No, she wouldn't have been insulted if we made offers without consulting her. We have a great relationship and all my family were on the lookout for homes for us when we were house hunting. My husband and I are both in our 40s and we are independent and pay our mortgage and insurance etc. blah, blah, blah... Doesn't mean we can't listen to our parents and their considered opinions. We still made the final decision.

*The following is stated assuming that there is a normal, respectful, loving parent/child relationship with no crazy drama, no strange strings-attached situations or weird power struggles.*

I would certainly ask for opinions, and considering their life experiences, I'd really listen to them. They wouldn't be hurt if we didn't ask them, of course, as they've raised us well and trust we'll make the right decision with or without them. And ultimately, the decision WOULD be ours. But, yes, if I had the opportunity to consult my parents or in-laws on a major life decision, I certainly would. Just like I hope my kids would discuss stuff with us when THEY'RE adults. Honestly, why WOULDN'T I want to benefit from the experiences of my elders?

I'm confident enough in myself that I can listen to others' opinions and respectfully agree or disagree, without second-guessing myself or feeling like they were putting me down or treating me like an idiot. I have nothing to prove, I'm a fully formed adult, but I don't know everything. Perhaps my mom will look at a house and see something I didn't, or my FIL will bring something to my husband's attention that we'd missed. I'd VALUE that kind of input.

So, yeah, yes, absolutely I'd get their opinions.

A lot of times, people who have "been there, done that" can offer a lot of objective input on large decisions.
That can be a good thing.

But I don't know your family-only my own...

ETA: my mother would not be 'offended' -- but we were excited to show her the house we were buying and we often spoke about the ones we looked at...just part of he process of looking for a home. No reason to be secretive about it.

I have been married for almost 12 years. We have 3 children. I consider myself to be pretty savvy, smart, and street wise.
But I have never bought a house before.
My dad has bought two.
I respect my dad and his opinion. He may come up with some things that I haven't thought of about a house we are considering.
My husband's parents live out of country, so they really wouldn't be any help. My mother, bless her heart, would FREELY offer her opinion on everything....which would annoy me greatly I think.
I don't know if their feelings would be hurt. I have always been the most independent of my siblings, so it certainly wouldn't surprise them!
L.

Nope, not at all. Our money, our family, our life, our choice.

We didn't get parental input bc of distance but I don't feel the need to insult you bc you asked this question. Doesn't matter how old you are. If my parents or my inlaws had been close by sure we would have asked. We had a friend or two take a look. Buying a house is a big deal. Getting unbiased opinions makes sense. If your parents or inlaws aren't unbiased then it's a different story. But if they are and they have some experience and are reasonably intelligent and/ or have good taste why wouldn't you ask? I'm sure they want you to make a good decision so would want to try to help. And yes, I think parents would have been hurt if they were close by and we never said "come take a look and tell us what you think". We would be excited and so would they. It's unnatural to me not to share that. But maybe bc I have smart and well intentioned parents and have a good relationship. Mainly same with inlaws. If you have something else going on, you need to add that.

Nope.
I learned a long time ago, that is not a good idea in our lives.
MY MIL takes everything personally. If we do not pick what she suggests or follows her opinions she pouts, she shares her opinions with other family members and gets them all riled up.

My mother over thinks everything. Starts collecting statistics and tells me all of the negative portions. My father ends up worrying and asking a million questions. He wants to talk out every detail to death.

Just like we did not discuss, when we were going to try to have a child or when we purchased our cars..

Made a mistake and excitedly shared our daughters college choices.. turned into a nightmare. It was the end of my relationship with my husbands mother. She just could not handle it. Have not spoken to her in 5 years.

IF you have a relationship with parents that is just ask for suggestions and they will give it, without expecting you to agree or to follow it then, maybe it is ok.

If your parents are trusted realtors,, builders, etc.. then their professional opinion could be useful, IF once again, they allow you to make your own decisions without drama..

Maybe ask them questions like, what do you wish you knew before your purchased a home?

No. I'm an adult with a husband.

No way. It was enough for DH and I to agree on one. Why bring in extra opinions?

No, no, and no.

They also did not help with the purchase costs. However that fits into your situation---which is I assume why you are asking the question? I'm guessing one of you feels like you should include them (or some of them) and one of you doesn't?

Here's my thing: YOU are the ones who will be living in it. YOU are the ones who will be responsible for it. YOU are the ones who will enjoy it or hate it and have to pay for it and make repairs and insure it... and on and on and on.
It's YOUR decision. IF, however, you feel like you do not have the expertise or wisdom between the two of you to make a wise decision, then by all means ask for thoughts (but not too specific in nature). Ask about different ways to finance, different opinions about how much to put down, different opinions about what kind of rooms you might find helpful. And so on.

But do not take them house hunting with you---UNLESS, you have it narrowed down and one of them is a contractor or appraiser--in which case their "expert" opinion, might actually BE an expert opinion.

No, no, and no.

But we have never lived near either my family or my husband's family. Is the issue for you that you would be living near either your parents or your in-laws and they might know something useful about the area? If that's the case, they could be helpful -- but your mention of "hurt feelings" if not consulted is a red flag.

If the parents/in-laws will be moving IN with you, maybe you would consult them. Otherwise: Why would adults be involved in other, independent adults' private financial decisions?

Some background on why you're asking this would help; however, the fact you're asking if others' parents' feelings would be hurt if we made an offer on a house without consulting the parents/in-laws -- that indicates to me that you may be dealing with parents/in-laws whom you know WILL be hurt or offended if you don't consult them. I'm sorry if that's the case. It's a slippery slope: If they have to approve your home choice, what else will they feel they need to approve among your life choices? If you're worried about hurting or upsetting adults in what is your personal choice and private transaction -- that does not bode well for pleasant house-hunting for you.

Your house, your money. If you WANT to involve them for expertise or because they would be fun to house-hunt with, that's one thing. But if it's to avert wounded feelings just because they want to tell you what to do? Is that the case?

No, and God, I hope not.

No. My husband and I are grown ups capable of making our own decisions.

When we were buying our first house, we were excited and had them take a tour of the house we were considering making an offer on. Because both my parents and my FIL had bought and maintained homes we did ask for their opinion on the house and added that into the input from the realtor, the inspector, the mortgage company, the appraiser and everyone else we brought in to make sure we were making a sound purchase. We valued their experience and feedback but they didn't get a vote.

When we bought our second house, we were already experienced enough from the purchase of our first home that we didn't need their opinions. In that case, they first saw the house after we purchased it.

My parents and in-laws were happy to share their experience and information with us when we asked for it the first time but they certainly didn't expect to be consulted in the decision and didn't feel hurt when we didn't need their feedback the second time.

Our parents don't pay our mortgage, so they have no say. I feel it is important for you to make your own decision, because you have to pay for it and have to live there.

I doubt that it hurt anyone's feelings.

My MIL likes to make comments about our decor. She has brought me magazines with tabbed placeholders on the pages she likes, as well as, recently leaving a pot rack in our dining room for us to consider hanging above our kitchen sink.

I told her I didn't want it and she left it here for us to think about.

No, we didn't involve either set, not even the one who was going to be living with us.

No, they had no real input in our choices. They didnt live close anyway.
Both sets knew how to mind their own business and trusted us to make our own decisions.

Every exception to this, that I have known about, was about money.
I've advised many of my friends not to take money, even for a house, from family. It just sets you up for their input on other decisions. Every time, it's been a struggle for the ones that did. It's so not worth it!

my thought is that its you and your husbands choice. what will make the inlaws want the home may not be the same things you want
make a list of this you want in a home for your family ie- fenced back yard, 4 bedroom for growing family, indoor washer and dryer, etc.

My husband and I did all the hunting on our own with our Realtor. We actually found our home through an open house on our own. It was awesome but a bit out of our price range so we figured to scratch it off our list.

We are cautious people and wanted another more experienced person's opinion on the final house. So we had my uncle look a a few houses we were considering to get his opinion. Why have a very successful business man with real estate experience willing to give you free advice and not take it.

Anyways the house we really really liked out of our price range was only a few blocks over from my aunt and uncle. So I gave him a call and told him he should check it out if they had time.

I got a call thirty minutes later that if we wanted the house it was ours at a price in our range. It was for sale by owner, my uncle had gone over negotiated the price down (in a sellers market!!), and basically bought it. He thought it was such a great piece of real estate that even if we didn't want it he was going to buy it for himself.

We got our dream home in our price range (we had all our loan paperwork finalized and ready to go). But only because we used an older wiser to the market relative we could trust to give us an experienced opinion.

So parents and in-laws no...but we did ask help of a family member.

We realized just because we were adults, that we could still use some advice from someone who had done this hundreds of times. The fact that he would have bought it for himself just validated to us we had made a wise choice.

The market we bought in was crazy...houses would be listed and by six pm have seven or eight contracts on them, and bidding wars.. So you had to move fast, very fast.

To answer your actual question...no, my parents or his would not have had their feelings hurt if we hadn't consulted them before purchase. It was OUR house after all, they didn't have to live in it, we did.

My dad came with me, partly because I did a lot of initial looks during the week while my husband was at work. Then, if I liked something, I'd bring my husband back to see it later. I did take my dad's advice into consideration, but wouldn't have let him talk me out of something I liked.

I get along very well with my in-laws, but they tend to be very critical and would probably find fault with any house we looked at (unless it was next door to them!). I don't think I could have house hunted with them at all.

Purchasing a home for the first time may require the savvy skills of your parents/inlaws. After all, you can trust them better than a realtor. That is, granted, if they've ever purchased a home before.
But ultimately, you'll want to do this just the two of you for a lot of very complicated reasons.
My situation was my father knew the process and helped us through it step-by-step, which upset FIL and MIL and they began accusing him of swaying the location (farther from them, closer to him), if anything went wrong with the house or process- it was immediately his fault, it caused a pretty big rift. I realized that buying a home isn't like buying your first car- you need to be ready and have done your homework. You're an adult now, no one should be holding your hand.
Best of luck to you!!

How old are you?

No, my husband and I ( 25 yrs married) do not include my parents ( his parents are dead) in major decisions for OUR home.

We've built 2 homes from scratch and not once consulted parents on decisions.

Now... If your parents or in laws are paying for your house... It's a different story. If you allow that... You might as well give up any independence you have because they will own you.

It's not worth selling my soul to the devil to get a house. Live below your means, educate yourself and don't jump into owning a house until you fully understand all responsibilities and financial obligations which come with it.

We do not consult our parents. In fact, they have their own crazy ideas about our housing situation, and we want nothing to do with their opinion. ;-)

No.
Both times we (Husband and I) spent a lot of time house hunting, then found one, bought it and then we informed our folks of what we bought.

Are you in your 20's with 4 kids? I can hardly imagine having all those kids so young. (Maybe you have a blended family?)

The reason I'm asking if you are in your 20's is because you sure sound like it. You are paying for this house yourself, right? Your parents or parents-in-law aren't paying, are they?

If you are in your 20's, time to grow up some. Sure, ask their opinion if you want, but don't let their opinion hold sway with you. This is YOUR house. It IS important to pick wisely. Listening to their counsel is not the same as letting them push you into a decision.

Here are some examples of the kinds of things that are wise counsel. If they say not to buy a place with great big power lines near your back yard (hard to sell later - people don't like those great big monsters near their houses). If they say not to buy a house on a busy highway with lots of noise. If they say that the house is too much of a fixer-upper. Things like this.

Listen to their counsel, but make your own decision. Don't worry about hurting feelings. If they act like it hurts their feelings that you aren't doing what they say to do, then they are being unreasonable and treating you like children.

Be the adults you are supposed to be, make wise choices in how much you spend, where you choose to live and how you make your purchase.

We told our parents when we started house hunting and about some of our adventures while looking. It was just within the normal type of conversation people have.

After looking at one older house we did ask my husband's stepfather a few questions over the phone, because he is a retired electrician. His answer made us scratch that one off the list of possibilities.

My parents saw our house for the first time when they came to help us move in. My in-laws saw it awhile later when they came to visit.

Unless one's parents are paying or cosigning for the house, it isn't reasonable for them to expect to be a constant part of the process or get a vote in the final decision.

Added: I think if we just suddenly bought a house without even telling my mom we were looking it would hurt her feelings. Not because she wants a say in it, but because she'd feel left out of a major life event.

Many advisors a wise man makes, as long as you remember that advice is just that, and the decision ultimately falls to you & your husband.

If you are just house-hunting, your best bet is to know what you both want in a house, what are the "must haves" & "deal-breakers".

If you want to solicit help from your family, let them know "here's what we are looking for... It must have XX and we will pass on any house with/without XX. It needs to be in these locations" (such as a specific school system)

Follow that up by letting everyone know that you are looking to make a good, informed decision, and appreciate any and all advice. But that you will both be weighing the pros & cons of any homes you find and take into consideration all feedback & advice from your family to make an informed decision together.

If you do not want to solicit help, let them know that home buying is a very emotional process and decision, and while you appreciate everyone's support, you both need to take this journey together by yourselves, and you very much look forward to celebrating with them when you announce that you found the right one.

Or, anything in between. :)

But no matter what involvement your family has, make sure to find the right house for your family, and go through the proper steps of having it inspected. Remember too, there is no such thing as a perfect house, whether it is older with some issues that need TLC, or a brand new construction (which can have its own hassles if you build) which hasn't been "seasoned" yet.

Happy House Hunting! T. =-)

No. And my inlaws just bought a house. They didn't consult any of their children. I would find it very unhealthy emotionally of a parent/inlaw that got upset because they weren't consulted on a house purchase decision. I think the only reason they would be involved is if THEY were buying the house for you or living in it with you.

I wouldn't. Too many opinions, and then what? You can't buy the house you and your husband like because someone's mother doesn't like it? They don't live with you, do they? They don't live the way you live, do they? Even when parents are helping with the downpayment, their job raising you is done and they can't be making decisions for you.

I suppose if one parent had a particular skill set (like a house inspector, or a contractor and you are looking at a home that needs major renovation), you could involve that one person if you trust their expertise. But if they don't all think exactly the way you think, it's likely to create conflict. Then if you're in a house that Mom didn't like, you're going to be hearing about it for years to come.

But if you are inviting a vote because you can't decide, you're probably not ready for a home of your own. And if you're inviting their input because you think you need to make them happy too, it's almost like you're saying that you're not adult enough to decide. That invites them into all aspects of your family life, including childrearing strategies and financial decisions on how much to spend on birthdays. It opens up a huge can of worms.

Get advice re school systems and resale values and town services and whatever else you need. If you need to make a chart to accommodate all the info, do so.

Only ask for their advice if you plan to take it.

If they live nearby I'd show them the house and let them know this is "the" one. That you want to share it with them. They love you guys, they are your family. Why not include them in a happy occasion?

My DH bought the house before we met, but the only input he got from his parents was to get an inspection before buying. He was buying his home off a friend's mom, so he was pretty sure of what he was going to get, even with the inspection.

I don't ask my mom for a lot of buying advice. I feel I'm pretty good at research and it's me who will live there/drive it/wear it. My mom is not the type to be offended if I don't include her.

When we bought our first house, we did it ourselves & without including anyone, though I talked about it with both my parents in the occasional phone call -- more an update on what was going on than an invitation for opinions or seeking advice. Although this was a new process to me, it wasn't to my husband so it's not like we were entering things blindly. Additionally, i was in my 30s and my husband was in his 40s so it's not like we were kids.

In purchasing our second home, I invited my mom to look at it with us the second time we went -- more because I thought she'd love the house and would like to be included than because either of us felt we "should" or that we needed her advice.

On the other hand, our out-of-state daughter spent a great deal of time on the phone with my husband as she & her husband were going through the process of buying their first home. Makes sense, though since, for several years, my husband was a real estate appraiser.

We didn't feel a huge need to seek our parents' opinion in purchasing real estate and I wasn't in the least upset when my daughter didn't seek mine.

There's no one right way of doing things. Whatever works in your family!

When we househunted many, many years ago we certainly talked about the houses we were looking at with my mom and my in-laws. They commented about what we told them, mostly uh-huhs, and m-hmmms. They made helpful comments when we were considering increasing our bid for a house that was owned by a chain-smoker - advising that it's nearly impossible to remove the smell and that nicotine can actually seep through painted walls. We also sought my FIL's advise about a house we really wanted a block from the beach - but that we knew needed a lot of work.

I guess it has something to do with how your parents and in-laws are about this kind of thing. In good relationships older people can provide really useful advice from a lifetime of experience. If you're smart you'll take their advice and include it as a factor in your decision making process. But if they're pushy - or have an obvious agenda (like wanting you to buy the house next to theirs) their advice is harder to take. but like so many other things in life, you take in the meat and spit out the bones. Use the advice that makes sense and discard the rest. We did not have our parents along for the house-hunting trips though. We simply told them about our search when we'd meet for dinner or something like that.

But - ultimately, it's your money, your life, your commute to work, your elbow grease, etc.

On our very first house, I did show my mom the webpage to look at to see the house we were interested in. She gave us a list of questions to ask the realtor...because she used to be a realtor herself. But besides that no. We are on house number 4 and our parents just get to see our new house once we buy it! The do not expect to be consulted.

Nope!! Husband and I did it on our own. As soon as our family knew we got qualified on a loan to get a house it was a mess. My father and sister wanted us to moved 45 minutes away to where my husband and I once lived as children. My FIL wanted us to do the same but buy his boss, daughter's house that she was selling and since it was 15 minutes away from there house. Hubby and I found a new home that was built few years ago but never lived in since it was "model house". Got a good deal on it. Had to tell my father, sister and FIL it was my husband's and I choice since we were paying the notes and where were living at full time. Once the saw the house they left it alone.

heavens, no! we're adults, and when we were house-hunting in our late 20s we were long past the time where we needed parental approval.
heh. sort of. we DID ask for a little financial help. :) but not much.
and i think both sets of parents would have felt discomfort at being asked to weigh in on something as personal to us as our home.
maybe our perspective is different because while both of us come from big loving homes, we both moved out pretty young and had been independent for years before we met and started our relationship.
same thing with our boys. we have always tried to keep the doors of communication wide open, and i hope they always feel comfortable using us a sounding board or asking for advice. but we would never presume to expect to be consulted, or pout if they make a decision without our input.
ETA my husband is in the construction field and extremely knowledgable, so my son absolutely asked for his advice before buying a house, simply because the ol' man knows if a place has 'good bones' and can estimate repair costs with eerie accuracy. but it was very practical, and hurt feelings weren't a factor anywhere in the process.
khairete
S.

They offered to help pay for our house since they bought his sister 2 houses, numerous cars, etc... They butted in, got their feelings hurt, and talked to the other realtor, offering more money than the house was worth. I hate this house. We feel trapped because we will LOSE money.
NEVER NEVER NEVER AGAIN. I would rather be in debt with a mortgage than go through that again.

Absolutely not. We are paying for the house so its mine and my husband's opinion that matter.

My parents and inlaws see the house after we purchase and move in. We are on house #4.

Mom was a realtor so I knew what to look for, and what to ask about.

As others have stated NO. This is a decision that you and your husband have to make as you are the two who are going to live in the house with your children.

Your parents and in laws should not feel hurt they should be happy that you are doing this.

So it is time to be the adults in your household and not worry about what the parents and in laws have to say about any major purchase that you make.

the other S.

No, we would not include the ILs in the decision and no they would not be hurt. If we ever move back to my husband's hometown, my MIL will definitely express her opinions (she always does, about everything) but she won't expect us to do what she says.

My mom would say her piece whether we asked or not and she would probably be offended if we didn't follow her advice but oh well.

No. They decision was for me and my husband to make. We did show the dog because she is part of our family and would be living in the house. Unless they are putting in money or are living with you then no point in including them.

No. Actually, my 26-year-old daughter is house hunting. She has offered to let me come along when she looks, but I declined, even thought I think it would be interesting. I am there for advice if she were to need it, but I think this is a life decision she needs to make on her own.

No. Their opinion would have no impact on what we decide we want to buy. I mean, if you LOVED a house and they HATED it, would you not buy it? I can't imagine. We are adults and can make our own decisions.

That being said, my mom did take me house hunting with her for a retirement home because I'm an only child and when she's gone, it will be mine. So of course she wanted me to be happy with it as well. Good luck.

I was an adult when we bought our first home, so NO on all counts.