Is It Bad Etiquette to Say No to My Son Being a Ring Bearer?

Say thank you, but say no. It would be one thing if he's a social butterfly that loves to be the center of attention, but he's not and trying to force a 4 year old to do something like that won't work for ANYONE. Let them know how honored you are, etc., but the last thing they need on their wedding day is a freaking out ring bearer. You're doing the right thing, mama.

I've seen successful weddings using 2 & 3yos....but they were happy & excited to do it. Just say "no"......

No, it's not bad etiquette to decline something you know will put your child in an awkward position. I think it is awful etiquette to agree & then pull out, or agree & have your child cause a scene at the wedding. Saying "no", is really in everyone's best interest, IMO.

We had our VERY shy 3 year old be the flower girl at our wedding. It was so cute. She dumped them all at her first step and then ran to Grandma. Thankfully, we had 2 of them and my niece did splendid! Lol.
Pleasantly decline and explain why. No biggie.

I agree with the other moms. Definitely decline this invitation. Maybe word it in such a way that you are doing a favor for the bride: "Well, Tommy has a bad case of stage fright, and I'm afraid he'd look down that long aisle and freeze up! We don't want that to distract from your big day!" The bride probably doesn't have her own children yet, and so wouldn't think of your son's personality when asking about him being a ring bearer. She probably just sees a super cute kid who's the right age for the job! Explain why, and she will be glad you were honest with her.

You can absolutely say no! We asked the parents of a little boy in our church to be our ring bearer and they knew how hard it would be on him and out of respect for their son and, wanting our ceremony to run smoothly, they declined.
They really wanted him to be a part of such a special event but they were so thoughtful to think of HIS feelings and make that decision for him. They never even talked to him about it because they knew he would want to and then stress about it when the wedding date neared.
It sounds like you know your son and you shouldn't feel guilty for saying no. You are being a thoughtful parent! :)

Of course it's not impolite or bad etiquette to decline the invitation for your son to be in the wedding. "Thank you so much for thinking of little Alex, we're very honored but we have to decline. Alex enjoys parties and church events of course, but he's very shy in situations like this. He would very likely be unable and unwilling to walk down the aisle with the pillow and I would hate to mar any part of your day. I'm sure he'd make the perfect little guest, though!" ::everyone laughs::

Just say that you are flattered, but that you don't feel he is ready to handle the responsibility.

It's your responsibility to do what's best for your son. Of course you can politely and graciously say no. Don't feel guilty.

You know his personality and traits better than anyone.

If you know in advance this is not a likely thing.. Day thank you but no thanks.

It works for you, saves the bridal party any extra stress and no one should judge you/him if you know he is not up to this responsibility right now.

Do what it right for your family.

Think about how guilty you would feel if he caused a scene at the wedding.
I have a child that would totally do this in such a position...so I am imagining the horror!
Just explain the situation. You know your child, you know this is a bad idea...just tell them the truth.
And don't feel guilty. ;)

ETA: Oh yes, ask him what he thinks! :)

You should tell the couple that while you are truly honored that they asked and would love for him to be their ringbearer, to say yes would be doing everyone a huge disservice. Explain how shy he is and that even if you agreed, he would almost definately not follow through and you would not want to do that to them. That being said, it also wouldn't be fair to you to spend the money on the clothing only to be wasted nor to your son by putting him on the spot. I am sure they would not want any of that and would appreciate you being upfront now rather than backing out later.

I think you NEED to politely say no, for your sons interest. I am sure the friend will understand and will be grateful you were honest, rather than get to the day to find out your son has cold feet and they don't have a ring bearer.

4 is pretty young. I'm not even sure my outgoing 5 year old would do a good job at that. If he just isn't ready just explain he is shy and too young to have such an important job. It is better to be honest in advance than have it be difficult for everyone when it turns into a scene at the wedding. Just because they asked doesn't mean you have to say yes.

My daughters were 2 and 3.5 years old when they were the flower girls at my sister's wedding. They were shy, adorable and dumped the basket of flowers at the beginning of the aisle where no one could even see them! BUT they were proud, excited and really, really *wanted* to do it.

In your case, I would politely decline. Just be honest and apologetic.

Hi,

You can absolutely say no to this--if you feel your son doesn't want to or isn't ready to do this, then decline. Its a privilige to be asked but you wouldn't want him to ruin the day if he freaked out at the last minute. Politely decline asap so they have enough time to find someone else. GL

M

I understand completely.

Our daughter has always been very shy, but I learned early on to ALWAYS ask her.

One time I did not ask her about participating in an event and later she realized she could have participated and was quite put out I did not ask first..

So ask him first.. If he says no, you can then say, you asked and he did not feel like he could do it.

If he says yes, let her know that right now he thinks he wants to do this, but you are concerned he may not be able to follow through at the event and see if she is ok with this..

I do special events and even the most outgoing children can get stage fright in the end..

This is what I would do. I would talk to my son. Tell him what they are asking of him, explain exactly what will happen and see what he thinks. Chances are he will say no. Then you can tell your friend that I asked my son if he wanted to do it and he doesn't (he's a bit shy), but thank you so much for asking!

Unless you don't think your son will grasp the concept of it, then I would just tell them. No, I am really sorry buy my son is just shy. I am afraid that it would just terrify him.

I was six when I was flower girl. I had another person to walk down the aisle with. It was a bit daunting however we made it.
If your son is so shy it's not going to be fun for him nor an adventure. I would feel so sorry for him that he had to push himself to be seen walking down the aisle alone.
Personally feel free to carefully explain to the friend why your kid needs to be more mature before he can be the center of attention.

ask your son if he would like to do it. if he says no then tell them that your sorry but he wont do it.

I agree with Jennifer S. Ask your son. :)

You should just explain why your son would not be a good choice and that you do not want him to feel any anxiety over it.

This is the whole reason I did not have a ring bearer or flower girl in my wedding. I didn't want MY day to become their nightmare. (selfish maybe, oh well, I only want to get married once and wanted it to go smoothly) I had parents "offer" their kids to be in my wedding and when I declined, they got irked and said they promised their kids would be fine and behave, blah, blah, blah. Last time I checked, no one can predict how a kid is going to behave when all eyes turn on them. Do your husband's friend a favor and decline, especially hearing your child is extremely shy - he will probably have a horrible memory of that day forever. I wouldn't want to make the bride's day become a "day of facing his fears" for your son. Too much pressure on him. Good luck!

I would say no if that were my son. I know how that feels. I was pushed into weddings when I was little as the flower girl. I can't tell you enough how shy I was at that age, and to have everyone looking at me, and making a big fuss it was really upsetting. I remember once I got so nervous, I threw up before the wedding. I hated it. I would ask your son if he would want to, it probably will be a no. In that case, I would tell them that your son isn't comfortable being in the spotlight, and to maybe recommend someone else. It is a nice gesture, and very sweet, but, especially for us shy kids, it can be cause a lot of anxiety.

Of course, you can decline.

But think about it. This might be a really good opportunity to help him push past his issue.

•It's a very special thing for him to be part of a wedding. He may not get another chance.
•It might be really good for him to give it a whirl. My son was in a wedding at about 4--he was pretty shy then--but he did just great! He thought it was very cool.
•Ask him about it.
•You can always talk with the couple about the possibility of him NOT making it down the aisle at all--they might be OK with taking the chance.
•We've all been to weddings where there is a "reluctant" flower girl or ring bearer--it won't "ruin" the wedding--it's cute!
•Ask if he can walk with someone--either the flower girl(s) or a bridesmaid.
•Can you stay in the back of the church with him until the "big moment" and have dad waiting in a very up-front pew, encouraging him?
•After some pix at the church, my son & the f.g. were kind of "dismissed" from the off-site pictures. Good thing, (I was MOH) because this phase went on and on and on--from location to location.....

So...I would talk to your son, talk to the couple honestly about your concerns and their expectations, then decide.

Good luck!

Just say no thank you. No need to feel guilty.

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I haven't read all the answers, but, um, NO, it's not bad etiquette to refuse a request of you (or your son). And especially not when you are looking out after his best interests!

There is a problem in this country (with mothers it seems especially) of an inability to say "no" when asked to do things. It probably has to do with many women are "people pleasers". But "bad etiquette" would never even cross my mind when saying "no" to this request. Yes, you can politely and graciously say "no". and you should NOT feel guilty for doing so, or for refusing any request of you. ESPECIALLY since you are his mother and your job is to do what is in the best interests of your child, since they can not do so.

I was a painfully shy child. Being in a wedding would have given me untold amounts of anxiety. I'm glad you are sticking up for him!

If he can't do it he can't do it. They may have just asked to be nice. Tell them he is too shy.

Yes! Tell them that your son is not up to the responsibility because he is a shy 4yo, and that you find another child who will enjoy being the center of attention which your son will not (Explain to them that for him, it would be very emotionally difficult for him, almost like torture). If the idea is that they want to have him be a special part of the event because your families are close, there are other ways for him to so that are less public and less difficult for him to deal with.

Their wishes do not trump what is best for your child, and you know what is best for your child. They'll get over the disappointment, and if they don't then they are not very good friends, LOL. :)