Ring Bearer Situation

I would politely tell your nephew that your son cannot be in the wedding. You have the right to decline the invite. Once again offer your older son but leave it at that. You shouldn't have to keep explaining. Just tell them no.

It's not your job to pick their ring bearer for them, but you are perfectly within your rights to tell them that your five-year-old can't, regardless of whether or not they opt to use your nine-year-old instead.

9 is a tad old for a ring bearer, but there also does not need to be a ring bearer. I would simply apologize and tell them that he can not do it and you are sorry. End of discussion, he is your child you are allowed to say no. He clearly does not want to do it, why force him?

you're awesome, M.. so many moms would have thought more of the 'honor' and tried to make their temperamentally-unsuited child conform. i'm so glad you have listened to your instinct (and your child's stated preference) and spoken to your nephew.
it's a pity they didn't pick your older boy, who would have done a great job, but love how beautifully you handled this all round.
khairete
S.

Why the waffling?

You know for a fact that your son is almost 100 percent likely to do something that will make this wedding memorable for the wrong reasons.

He has already TOLD you with perfect clarity that he does not want to do this. He has promised you that he will wreck things. I don't always take five-year-olds at their word, but this time -- I would. You do not want to be the aunt who is forever remembered as having the kid who melted down or ran out during a ceremony. Clearly it's already causing you stress.

And you know that the bride and groom see only a cute five-year-old and do not and will not believe you when you say he must not do it. You will hear, "Oh, he'll be fine! If he's a little shy or balky it'll be OK!" And they may try things like, "How about if you or his dad walks along with him" or "What if he AND his brother do it?" Please do not cave in to these well-meant but clueless ideas. They do not have kids; they may have no idea what you truly mean by a meltdown and I guarantee that if it happens, they are not going to find it cute no matter what they claim now or afterward.

TELL them -- do not ask, tell them -- that your son is not mature enough for this. If they know you've been "preparing him" and they still insist it'll be fine, you must put on your big girl pants and simply tell them, he cannot do it and has said quite clearly he does not want to do it. You must not be afraid to tell them he said this -- if you are worried about hurting their feelings, please drop the worry, because they will be much more hurt when he ruins their wedding and everyone's talking about the ring bearer's meltdown after the ceremony.

Tell them just that: "I was wrong to say yes in the first place. I will pay for another child's tux (or dress, if it's a girl) if you want a different child. Or my older son is able to do it if you want. But whatever happens, Younger Son can't do this. He has promised he will bolt and I believe him, based on his immaturity. I think you will be upset when he gets the attention for the wrong reasons on your big day."

If they say, we only have eight weeks, etc. -- don't cave.

Brides and grooms often have dreamy fantasies about their perfect day and dont' listen to more experienced people who tell them that this or that is not a good idea. I bet they want your younger son because they picture a ring bearer as being young - younger than your nine-year-pold. But YOU know that having your son do this job is a terrible idea and you have to be the one to tell them so. Don't tiptoe around it. Remind them that this could ruin their day and be the thing people end up talking about.

Would you be able to put your older son in a tux too? This way both will be dressed the same and it could help at the last minute incase the 5 year old acts up.

It sounds like the 9 year old is flexible and could either sit with you, walk down with little brother or end up walking alone.

They can decide if both can be in the photo.

I wanted to add, I never suggest that the actual rings be carried by a young child down the aisle. It is a visual tradition, but too risky to trust a young child to carry the actual rings. Remember, the other tradition is that the Best Man actually hands the Wedding band to the groom. (again if this person is a flake, I have the groom keep the ring)

The whole ceremony is just a ceremony. It is the words of love and commitment, that make it a real deal.

I do Special events and have run many Weddings over the years. The Flower girl and ring bearer situation is ALWAYS something I speak with the bride and groom about from the beginning.

Young children are very unpredictable in these situations. . We do not always know what mood they will be in that day or at that moment or how they will react with all of the people staring at them and the music playing. I have seen the most charming, outgoing children absolutely melt down in crying and screaming on the day of the event or moments before.

So if they insist this is something they really want, I suggest that an adult, be available to hold the child's hand and walk up with them. You, dad, and attendant..
Or have the ring bearer wait up front with the best men. Again, this may not work out. Or you may need to sit up front on the far end of the aisle in the front pew, just case you need to pick him up and take him out of the church.

I have seen the majority of the children do just fine and the rest of the children have had a total melt down.

It is best to just tell them, you all are honored he was asked, but you would feel really bad if he was not able to fulfill this obligation and caused extra stress to the day.

Not really sure you should mention your older child , it puts the bride and groom in a sticky situation in case they do not really want a 9 year old as a ring bearer.

I'm glad everyone talked and that your son was let off the hook. There are many reasons to decline being part of a wedding and your son didn't want to do it.

I would tell them that your son doesn't want to do it.. It's not like we are talking going to school and that being something he has to do.. this is a wedding and as cute as it is to have young ones walking down the aisle, if your son isn't into it, then so be it..

How long ago did they ask that your younger son be the ring bearer? I ask because if it was a while ago and you still haven't told them "we are honored by he doesn't want to do it" then you need to have that conversation today. If they just asked and you were still considering, you should still have the conversation ASAP.

You can even tell them that if they'd like, your older son will do it but your younger son doesn't want to, you are sure he won't do it, and you are not going to make him.

"Jim, Teresa, you need to know that no matter what you plan for Kevin, Kevin may not do the job. He may have a sudden meltdown, or he may just change his mind at the last minute and simply refuse to go down the aisle. Do you have a backup plan in case that happens the week before the wedding, or the day before, or at the last minute when it's his turn to make an entrance? You need to think through this now, because it's a big factor in the ceremony."

I hope they'll listen to you and think about it. But the responsibility will be off your shoulders. Your only job will be to carry the boy away quickly if he refuses, or especially if he starts screaming or something.

It could be that they think a nine-year-old boy is too old to be a ring bearer.
If he wants to be a participant, maybe they could find a job for him.

You just have to tell them that your 5 year old doesn't want to do it, and that you can't force him. Tell that you promise them that your 5 year old will be a terrible ring-bearer and will probably run away with the ring, and that he has already told you as much.

If they are dead set on your 5 year old being the ring-bearer, you could try bribery. It's amazing what kids will do for a bribe. Money, or whatever he holds dear. But, if your son does it for the bribe, just be sure that the bride and groom know what they are getting into if they take the chance on your son.

Tell them thank you, but no thanks. Beyond that, you have no say regarding the 9 year old.

Just say 'Thanks but No Thanks! Not going to happen!'.
There doesn't have to be a ring bearer.
The best man holds the ring and gives it to the groom when the ring ceremony part starts.
It's what we did at my wedding.
They can do what ever they want but your son won't be part of it.

Never mind - just saw your so what happened. I'm glad you and your nephew both feel let off the hook.

Tell your nephew one more time how you feel. Let him know how much you have done to prepare your younger son and how he has reacted so far. It is up to your nephew how he wants to handle it from there. Once you've had the conversation one more time, and he has made a choice, do not bring it up with your nephew again. You will have done your best to let him know how you expect your son to behave and it won't be your fault if he makes a scene in the wedding.

A ring bearer is usually a pre-school age child, your other boy is way too old.

Glad things worked out.

I would proceed with him being the ring bearer.
I highly doubt he would act up once all eyes are in him.
It's pretty simple: Hold this and walk from point A to point B.
I'd make sure bride & groom know there's a possibility if him bolting and giving them the chance to replace him ( no hard feelings, clearly expressed)
It doesn't have to be perfect.
He doesn't have to be perfect.
He doesn't have to walk perfectly.
He just has to get from A to B.
Firmly explain that he has been asked to do it and it's an honor to be asked. Make sure he knows he's doing it to make Jim & James say special.
This might be a case of expressing your expectations and having him come through like a champ! Give him the chance!