What Is to Young to Be a Flower Girl?

First off, my experiences...My nephew was 3.5 when I got married. Reasonably short, afternoon wedding, and he did great. He did NOT stand up front, but he was in all the pictures and walked down the aisle behind his mom (matron of honor). Also have a friend whose little boy was in a wedding over Christmas and he was only 17 months old. From all reports, he did ok, but I don't know whether he stood up front or not (my 18 month old would NEVER do this, so it depends on the kid). And who could pass up the opportunity to dress a toddler in a tux?? But, as for your situation, remember that there are lots of options for how involved the flower girl needs to be. She could just walk the aisle and then sit with you up front during the rest of the ceremony. Or sit on the steps up front. Or leave through a side door. The standing up in front of 300 people for over an hour is often too much for adults to handle, so I'd be careful what I commited to ahead of time for your daughter. But, I'd say she'll definitely be old enough to participate in the ceremony. Just maybe not in the traditional "stand up straight and smile pretty during a hundred long speeches" sense. Just keep your options open with the bride and have fun playing dress-up! Good luck!

IMHO she might be just fine being a flower girl! If she's not going to sleep when you put her down, she might be getting over the big afternoon nap.
My daughter had a two years old flower girl and she was precious.
Also if she's awake until 9 or 10 at night, what's the big deal? Occasionally a night of going to bed a little later for special times doesn't do any harm. Make it into a huge affair for her and have fun with it.
As for the other sibling being persnickety about your decision, she'll get over it, and just explain that your daughter is a little older now than she was at her wedding event, and that you and your husband decided to let her try at being the flower girl.

hi! In my experience at weddings, three was too young, four was getting better. The little ones are so tempting and adorable, but you run the risk of typical three year old behavior and needs (stage fright, potty, wanting mommy, talking loudly when not appropriate, etc). It really depends on what the bride wants for her wedding. If she wants the traditional formal serious vibe and organization, although a 3 y.o. can be comical and break the tension, they can also make it a bit of a mess as well. If you guys are flex and you can handle the worse case scenarios, go for it! If you want to play it safe, I'd wait til age 4... : )

You should not feel guilty either way, but like most others said, you cannot predict the behavior of a toddler, no matter how well behaved they may be. So if this is really important to your friends, maybe let her walk down the aisle and have grandma or auntie or someone waiting for her seated close to the front, so they could take her out if things got overwhelming for her. I've seen (in more casual ceremonies) big brothers or cousins... pulling younger ones down the aisle in wagons (adorable!) But I wouldn't worry so much about the bedtime routine, esp if you can take someone who can help out with her since you are in the wedding party. Good Luck, Don't Stress.

For my sister's wedding she had our 2 yr old cousin be her flower girl. It was a daytime wedding though so bedtime wasn't a consideration. Our cousin, Jamie, was like my baby (I was 16 at the time) and went everywhere with me. Her 17 yr old sister and I were both bridesmaid so were up there with her at the alter. We're episcopal, not quite as long as Catholics but almost. She did get tired and at one point laid down on the floor and started lifting up my dress. When communion finally came she went and sat with her mom in the congregation. I'd say let your daughter do it, just be prepared. Arrange someone to be able to take her and sit in the pews if necessary, or even someone willing to leave the wedding and step outside with her if needed. Some priest have firm ideas about the age of flowers girls/ringbearers. So make sure the priests is aware of her age. My 3 yr old nephew was my ringbearer. He walked down with cousin Jamie (8 yrs old this time). The priest at first objected to his young age but allowed it because Jamie was older and could help him. Both my sister and brother-in-law were in the wedding party so my nephew was able to stand with his dad to whold time. Although it was a 7pm wedding and he fell asleep on the kneeling riser so the groomsmen had to more squat than kneel during communion.

I think that it is YOUR wedding and you should be able to do whatever you want to do. Customize it to be just exactly what you want.
Personally if the child was a teen then would go ahead and make her a brides maid but any other age, I personally, think would be fine.
Like I said, you do what YOU want after all it is YOUR wedding.
That's my 2 cents worth.

If its just the bedtime it would seem that she could take her late nap at 4pm and be able to stay up for the evening wedding, so you'd just disrupt her sleep schedule for that one special occasion. If you're worried she can't stand in place or behave like you would like for a long ceremony tell this to the bride and groom and see if it worries them. Maybe they don't care if she has to bail out in the middle. Or you could have her in the processional and have another adult pull her out to sit in a pew during the long part of the ceremony, and put her back in for the recessional. Just tell the bride and groom you're worried that she will disrupt their wedding, and if they aren't worried about a little disruption you should try it. I've been a wedding photographer and have seen lots of little kids not make it through the ceremony, and everyone knows this is a possibility, but are just happy to include them in the ceremony.

A.,
I don't think there is a magic age so to speak - I have seen children that young in a wedding - but it was not such a late one. I believe you know your children and their tendencies better than anyone else and you should go with your instincts about how your child will behave at that time of day in front of that many people. If you do not feel comfortable with it, then go with that. Remember that any stress you feel, so will the child and will likely react to that in addition to the other stimuli.

Hi A.
My personal opinion is, although I do not have a child that is that age yet, is to go with your feelings about it. The question about the "perfect age" is individual, I think, depending on the maturity of the child. If it comes down to keeping her bedtime routine, then as a mom, you have every right to say "no". After all, you are your child's advocate. That's too bad that this other family does not understand your situation with your child's bedtime routine. One day when they have kids, if they are, they will come back to you and say " now I know why." After all, you will be the one to have to deal with your child going to bed late and getting out of your routine. Kids do very well with routines, as I'm sure you know. Good luck with your decision.

P.

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I think you're a micro-manager. You need to control details. It's simple. I agree that she shouldn't be expected to stand still through an hour-long wedding, but if more 'child-friendly' arrangements can be made AND it won't cause any hard feelings to the daughter (whose wedding your daughter did NOT take part in), let your daughter do it. Then if by July you still feel that her 'strict bedtime' has to be enforced, have someone of your family/friends come to the place of celebration and take her (and your son, if he's there) home to bed so that you and your husband can enjoy the rest of the festivities.

Your litle girl is going to be a GREAT flower girl! Sounds like she is ready to start testing the limits of independence... my daughter does the same thing with her naps (for about a year now, and shes 3 yr old). My advice? For special family time, occassions, ect... my daughter is allowed to take a late nap (we sleep in if possible, then do something tiring like go to the zoo or shop all day so she WELL take a nap!) about 3-5pm. Then she is allowed to stay up late with mommmy and daddy. She loves it, its out special time with the crazy schedules. Mass will be way to borring for someone so young, somaybe instead you could arrange to have her with a friend/babysitter and then dropped of 15 min before the ceremony. I bet if your daughter and friend when to have their nails painted (they might be messy for the cerimony, but its the mental preperation and excitment to be a flower girl you're going for here), and then was dropped off... you'd be golden. she'll be good for at least 1-2 hours after, and then will pass out in the car. :) Have pictures taken of her getting her nails painted so when she is dropped off she can share the momories with you and you in turn set a date to look at them together.

I think you need to be a little more flexible this time around and your friend needs to be understanding of toddler behavior at that time of night. My daughter was a flower girl at 2 1/2 and she would not stay where she was supposed to. She wandered all over the front of the church (I was a bridesmatron and my husband was in the back of the church with our 6 mos. old who was screaming for me). When kids are involved, it has to be understood that it will be unpredictable. I have always been fairly rigid about my kids' bedtimes, but there are special occassions - and this wedding would be one - where you can be flexible. What other duties is your daughter expected to perform besides walk down the aisle sprinkling flower petals? If there's nothing else for her to do, ask the bride if grandma or an aunt could hold her on her lap the rest of the ceremony. You don't want to miss out on ths special occassion and create hard feelings between you and the wedding couple.

Your daughter was too young last year and she is too young this year. You are right to politely refuse the offer. Yes, it would be cute and pretty and all that, but it would not be fair to your child, much less the couple getting married and the attendees. You would be setting your child up to fail and have witnesses. Bedtime is not even the issue, neither is the length of the ceremony. Just this past year my neice was a flower girl and she was 3, it was just too much for her and there were only 30 people there, all FAMILY! She just got upset, plopped down in the aisle and refused to move until my 6 year old nephew charmed her down the aisle..it was not a pretty sight and stressed everyone out, especially my neice.
If they want your daughter in their wedding, let her dress up and stand with the bridesmaids or let her walk down the aisle with the bride, invent some other option, if not, have her in the pew with you or get a sitter for home.
If your 2 families are as close as you say they are, then this shoud be accepted and let go. Put in the same situation they may make the same decision.
Kudos to you and your husband, your daughter doesn't need this stress and everyone, including yourselves should be able to enjoy the ceremony.

my oldest was 2 & 3 months when my SIL got married. She did much better than what I expected, but my hubby also "laid down the law" to be sure. He told his sister than our DD would walk down the aisle but let her sit with us. Our DD did have a minor meltdown right before the ceremony (b/c she was tired b/c she had to take a short nap) but his dad held her & comforted her up until it was her turn to go. My sister wanted my DD to be her flower girl at 13 months and she got so tired my husband left 20 minutes before the ceremony & took her to my grandmother's to nap! She did dance & have fun at the reception...until 8:30 pm!!! Just give the bride & groom all the details of what having a 3 y.o. as a flower girl can be like & be sure they are willing to be flexible! If they have the picture perfect image of a little princess standing/sitting/kneeling quietly & attentively than they are NOT describing a 3 year old!!! (my daughters are 4 & 2 now so I just went through it & am about to again!!! LOL) Best wishes =)

Hi A.! While my daughter is not yet that old I do completely understand the importance of naps and a regular bedtime routine. I also have run into family members not understanding my insistance on napping at a certain time etc. I have been trying my hardest to make exceptions here and there because as my mother said, you cannot let a child's schedule run your life. I say just do the best you can as far as having her nap and eat shortly before the ceremony and warn the couple that since it is so close to her bedtime that she might not be able to hold up for the entire event but that she could at least walk down the aisle. Look at the brightside. You get to dress her up and have everyone brag about how beautiful she is ,even if its for a short time.

As the wedding coordinator at our church, I recommend that flower girls & ring bearers be at 3-4 years old. Especially if the wedding is formal as this one is going to be. Up until that age, it is very hard to get them do what is asked because they simply do not understand their job and their attention spans are not quite long enough to stand in that space for the amount of time and do what is asked.
however, you know your child better than anyone and if you think she can handle the job especially if she has done it before, then let her do it. When she grows up, it will be a memory that she will keep for a lifetime. I remember the first wedding that I was a flower girl in and I was around 3 or 4. It is ultimately your choice.

Hi A.,
I was reading your letter and you must have very beautiful children for someone wanting them to be their flower girl in a wedding. I know that children have a regular time for bed but if it were somehting that important most of the time a person only gets married once in their lifetime and I think I would bend the rules a little for something like this, I'm sure your child would ok just let her have a nap before the wedding and then after the wedding she can go to sleep, but that is also a good chance of a lifetime for her to be dressed up for an occasion such as that and have beautiful pictures in different poses of her. I'm not trying to be smart or anything but I think it would be a good thing to let the child be in the wedding if it were my grandbaby and someone wanted her it wouldn't matter if she were 1 I would be very pleased that they thought enough of her to let her participate in the wedding......Sorry Just my opinion just thought I would drop it in but do what you feel like doing you are the mother and you know your child better than anyone..........Good Luck and God bless J.

A.,

Your a mother of two kids. No one, and I mean no one is going to know your kids better than you do. If you don;t think that she can handle that long of a wedding, than don't stress yourself out about it. If the bride and groom don't care if she get a little tired and grumpy and has to come and sit with you, why should it bother you? Frankly when the kids get tired and overwhemled it's expected and every single other parent in the audience sits for a minute and smiles remembering when their kids where small.

If they want her in the wedding, go for it. Plan a quick exit if she gets cranky. (Put her off the side of the wedding party and sit as close to where she'll be as possible.) If it's going to stress you out to the point of not enjoying the wedding, don't do it.

Your daughter is actually the perfect age to be a flower girl- if the ceremony is in the afternoon. You are her mother and should not feel obligated or guilty about your decision. Keeping to a schedule is very important for little one's, as you know. I have 5 of my own and that schedule saved my life. If you decide to let her participate, make sure the bride and groom understand it's at their own risk and you cannot predict the behavior of a bored-to-death toddler during an hour long ceremony. She may even prove to be entertaining. Go ahead and give them what they want and pray there is a vidiographer to capture any antics. Happy couple, be careful what you ask for! Good luck and dont worry about what anyone thinks. You know what's right for your own baby and they can just get over it.

My children sound very similar to yours. They are now 7 and 5. I would just now say yes to the situation with the 5 yr old, but with some concern. A full hour is very hard at that time in the evening. I would say no and feel guilty as you do, but would not put my children through that.

A few thoughts to help you work through this: If your daughter cannot hold it together, would she allow you to hold her during the ceremony and would it be ok with the bride and groom? If not, how will you handle her if she refuses to remain in her place? If you cannot come up with a plan, is it worth it?

Good luck! If you say no hopefully they will understand when they have children!
L.

It's only 1x a year that her schedule will be off and if you put her to bed for a nap around 4pm and let her sleep until 530pm then she can make it through the wedding that starts at 730pm and your family and you will be happier because of it. It sounds like your daughter is growing out of naps anyways...Some of my friends children stopped taking naps at age 2. BUT on the other hand they dont have children yet and your just trying to be a good mommy for yours. So when they have their own children some day they will understand why you where thinking what you are now. Also just let them know you will have your daughter take a later nap and prayfully she will be able to make it through the service..You could always sit up front and if your daughter gets tired standing up there or to restless she can come sit down w/you and everyone who has children understands this. It will all work out...Let us know what happens.

Go with your instinct and sit this one out. Better to be thought to be underestimating your daughter's capabilities than to let her do this and prove it.

Besides that, it doesn't create the "she did it in his wedding but not mine" issue.

To answer your actual question, I'd wait until she's 5 or even 6 to do a regular Southern (quick) wedding, and older than that to do an hour-long Mass.

I'm a wedding photographer so I've been to countless weddings. It looks like you've been given a lot of good soild advice already. One extra thing I will mention is if you decide to go for it, make the suggestion that the formal portraits take place before the wedding so that she can just crash after the wedding. I definitely recommend an alternative to her walking the aisle alone. Either have an adult carry her, have an older child guide her or have her push a little "wedding buggy" or something like that down the aisle. If you're in the wedding, too then she might just feel comfortable being at your feet or being held held by you. Designate someone she trusts in the front pew to carry her out (like your mom, etc). It really might be necessary. An hour is such a long time for a three year old. See what ideas the bride and groom have to make it worth it to them so that you and she aren't stuck with the entire burden of trying to make it "perfect" for them. Good luck! Whatever you decide it is another one of those this too shall pass things and memories will be created either way. I have never seen a child ruin a wedding. But I have seen some miserable parents of small children at weddings.

You've probably gotten a ton of responses, but I'll tell you from experience that children under the age of 5 should NOT be expected to be a part of HOUR long formal ceremony! I've seen several weddings disrupted (and upset brides!) because small children could not 'do what they were told'. It's WAY too much for most children to handle when they get in front of so many strangers that are ALL staring at them, even if they perfomed perfectly in the rehersal. I would simply explain to the family that you know your child best and you would NOT want the ceremony disrupted or 'ruined' because your child got 'stage fright'. If this were a casual wedding in a not-so-formal setting I could see having a small child as a flower girl, but for the sake of yourself and the wedding party, just say "Thank you so much for thinking of us, but I really don't think it's going to work out". Good Luck!

In my wedding (short Baptist wedding), I had mine & my husband's 4 nieces (ages 3-5) as flower girls. My two sisters were bridesmaids, but I just had my family and my husband's family in the front rows, and had the flower girls walk down the aisle then sit with their families. We got the effect of the flower girls (my mother's request; I didn't need it, and thought they were too young), without the sometimes cute, sometimes embarrassing things that little kids do -- pull up their dresses to show their pretty panties or slips, digging in their noses, etc. I think your daughter is probably too young to be expected to stand in the front for an hour, but she could walk up like she's supposed to, and then at some point slip away or be quietly removed to your seat.

When I got married my own son was 4 and my cousins daughter was 3. They did just fine. I hired my son's full time babysitter to take him and be his and Kelsey's "keeper" throughout the ceremony so that my family could be there. The same babysitter took care of him during my sisters wedding when he was 19 months and it was such a blessing not to have to worry about him.
And at 3 and 4 the kids did just great and even made it through the reception and had a great time.
Let her be the little princess and have a good time.

I had an evening catholic mass and the children in my wedding were 3 (ring bearer), 5 (flower girl) and 7 (Jr. Bridesmaid)and both their parents and I had the same concerns you are having. We had a babysitter at the church to take the children out should things not go well, but the children all were fascinated by everything. we also thought they would end up leaving the reception that followed early, but the kids literally had so much fun and loved "being grown up" for the night that they partied until after 11:00 pm. You never even knew they were there as they were so good. With kids though you can't plan. all you can do is your best. make her nap later if she'll take one, don't wake her unless you have to and have a back up plan like a baby sitter going with you should she get sleepy. I wouldn't tell her about the wedding being that day as the excitement before the nap may be too much. but after.... relax and let whatever is going to happen, happen. it may just be something that she'll always remember. (the kids from my wedding are now 13, 15, & 17 and they still remember that evening) good luck.

Hello A.,

I Understand your delema. ( am catholic, a grandmother, and have been to many of the weddings you describe.)

I do think tho, your daughter is the PERFECT age for a flower girl. From what you are telling me about her naps, I believe she could survive the evening, esp if you gave her a late nap, if you felt she needed one.
I understand, everyone wants perfection at a wedding. When dealing with human nature, that is rarely possible. What makes a wedding so much fun is when the perfection happens and everyone can laugh it off and have a good time. It is not unusual to see flower girl/ring barers sleeping on the lap of a loving relative during the reception.
her duties are to be with the bride and wedding party for pictures and drop flowers going down the isle. Many times, even older flower girls forget to drop the flowers. The younger the flower girl, the less the intimidation.
One big mistake made is that during rehersal, they do not allow the flower girl to walk down the isle and practice with the flowers. Give her a basket and let the drop.

( a little side story)
hen my oldest g-daughter was married, she wanted her niece to be in the wedding. Little girl was 20 months old and not too sure about the long trek dropping flowers. G-daughter spent every summer with us from the time she was 3. We had a little red wagon she always played with. She requested the wagon so the niece could ride in it. We painted the wagon white, decorated it with the colors and put a satin pillow. The little girl rode down the aisle,dropping her petals, being pulled by the brides little brother, which gave a spot in the wedding for him.
Just let the imagination flow...I know the the bride has her'wants', but sometimes they are open to suggestions.
Good Luck and best wishes...

R.

My niece was 2 1/2 when she was a flower girl in my sister's wedding. Granted, the wedding was a 5 pm Catholic Wedding which is 2 1/2 hours earlier than your brother in law's. All the flower girl is required to do is walk down the aisle dropping flower petals onto the carpet where the bride will walk and then remain up front with the wedding party and then of course photos. You could have your mom or a trusted babysitter be close at hand to take your daughter home afterwards to get her dressed, fed and then to bed or some version of this. All kids miss a nap or stay up later than there bedtime now and again and what a wonderful exception to the rule this time; to be a part of her Godfather's wedding. Good luck.

She is old enough. Ask your hubby to take a nap with her the afternoon of the wedding. Give her an extra long nap. My children always napped longer when someone napped with them. She will be excited about the wedding and she will be able to stay up through the ceremony. If she falls asleep just gently put her on a church pew or let her sleep in her daddy's arms. Call the sibling that you said No to and let her know that you think she may be old enough this year and ask her advise. Does she think your daughter will be old enough? Tell her that you don't want a tired, crabby little one to ruin the wedding. She has no children yet and she doesn't understand crabby tired little kids yet. Good luck with this. She will do fine! And if she doesn't do well, no one will expect her to be perfect.

Hi A.! I think that if you are not comfortable with it, then your daughter is just too young. I don't think there's a magic age, it just depends on the child. My daughter is almost two and also crashes at that time, and she was recently invited to an evening wedding and I said no. There were a few hurt feelings even though I tried to explain. I also had to let it go. I'm sure you know your daughter much, much better than anyone so don't second guess yourself! People have a habit of saying stuff like "it will be fine" or "it's no big deal" but they aren't the ones who have to be at a wedding with a tired, cranky, overstimulated 2 year old! What fun would that be for you and realistically what fun for her? If you don't feel comfortable then just politely decline and hope that they can understand. Good luck!

I say she is old enough and you should slack a bit on her bed time. If it were my daughter who is also 3 I would put her down for a nap at 4:00 and let her sleep until 5:30 or so. She will be fine for the wedding. Let her do her duty and if she gets restless after that, take her for a walk out in the foyer or outside. Worst case, have a sitter or family member come with you and if she gets restless they can take her outside. Go for it, it is only one night and she can stay up late and sleep late if she wants. One day won't hurt, your friends want her to be a part of their day, it is an honor to you and you will have pictures of your daughter in the beautiful dress forever. If she doesn't make it down the aisle, starts walking the other way, just guide her, or let someone else help her....who cares!!! :o)

i think that you know your daughter better than anyone knows her and you will know if she is old enough to be a flower girl. does she want to do it? is she old enough to know what that means yet?
really the only demands of a flower girl are to sprinkle the flowers, stand up front, and be in pictures. if you are in the wedding party then it will be that much easier for her to do it. she has mommy to walk down the aisle to. which will keep her calmer. if they want her to be better for pictures, they should take most of the ones with her in them before the ceremony. this can be done without the bride and groom seeing each other if needed.
schedules are important, and you will have to consider if she will actually take a nap (or if it even matters) and if she will be in a good enough mood for the ceremony, but it is still a very big honor for her to be asked. if you decide to stick with your original "no" answer, explain why, thank them for considering her and leave it at that. you don't have to feel guilty for not messing up your child's schedule...
good luck with your decision :)

There is no "set age" to be a flower girl or to participate in an event. It all depends on the child. I agree with you to keep the kids out of the wedding. Unless they are ok with having a crying and basically exhausted child in the wedding party they should understand. I have a 4yr old and a 5 yr old. They have participated in a few "events". When you are dealing with a preschooler the situation is precarious enough. and when it's bed time ....forget about it......lol The initial excitement of the wedding might buy you a little extra time before "the meltdown", but you know your child best. Of course if you explain this to the bride and groom and they still are interested tell them you dont want any dirty looks if the worst case scenario comes to fruition. Anyway, whatever you choose....Good Luck

IMHO, no one is too young, if its a personal relationship that is being honored. My son was ring bearer at my best friends wedding at 3 yo... at a "Full Catholic Mass" it was a long time ago, so I forget what time of day it was. I was worried about how he would behave, but he did fine. On the other hand, my 4 yo grandson was ring bearer at his aunts wedding and it didn't go as planned at all, but worked out anyway. 1st, he wouldn't walk up the aisle, his mom had to carry him up and plop him at the altar. Then he was "standing" as little boys that age are apt to do, not very still. As the couple were reciting their vows, he dropped the rings, he sat down to pick them up, but became fascinated with watching them twirl 'round, before stopping; so he started playing with them. He twirled them a few times, then picked them up and held them in front of his eyes, like glasses. He had the whole church in stitches. I would have been crying my eyes out as my dd got married, if I hadn't been laughing so hard. My dd rapt as she was in her part of the ceremony was totally oblivious to her nephews antics, until she was told after the ceremony. Nobody thought he "spoiled" the wedding, he added comic relief. People have to understand that kids will be kids, and asking someone under school age should be aware that results can't be guaranteed with a child that young, but everyone should be willing to 'go with the flow, if their participation is desired. A young one, can be carried up the aisle if needed, should be allowed to cuddle up to mama and nap during the other parts of the Mass if needed, nurse or nap in a corner during the reception, etc. People who want a "picture perfect" wedding will see the unpredictablness of a child that age, and opt out, but if your daughters participation means so much to them, I would be flattered by the offer, and certainly try to vary her nap schedule a few days before the wedding so she will not be cranky at the time.
How about not putting her down for a nap until she crashes at 4, then not getting her up at 5, but letting her sleep until you are ready to go out the door. Let her eat finger foods in the car on the way to the wedding, with a last minute change of clothes and potty when you get there. After she walks down the aisle, she can come sit with you, and maybe nod of during Mass if needed, and be refreshed and ready to go back down the aisle after. If she's stayed awake during Mass, you might have to forgo the reception, or at least cut it short, but it should go well. Where there is a will, there's a way.

HI A.,

OH, How I can relate. I have been married for almost 20 years and still remember how our flower girl refused to "cooperate" at our wedding. My now mother-in-law insisted that her friend's 2-year-old HAD to be in the wedding. Since I didn't have anyone else planned, I relented. Ours was a 10:30am wedding, no mass, just communion for the wedding couple. She absolutely refused to walk down the aisle and threw a huge tantrum - after having been perfect at the rehearsal the night before. My dad was ready to literally kick her down the aisle, just to get her out of our way, he was so mad. We found out later that my now sister-in-law, who was in charge of the flower girl at the rehearsal dinner, gave her wine from the carafes on the table at the dinner, assuming it was juice. The poor girl was hungover! Sorry, but I couldn't help sharing. Every child is different and there is no way to guess how they are going to behave in this totally new situation. Even if they're perfect at rehearsal, the wedding will be different with all of those people there. The big question is whether or not they actually care how she behaves or if they really want her to be a part of the ceremony for emotional reasons, regardless. I do think the biggest problem will be that the sibling's feelings will be hurt and she might very well take it personally. Another point, with both of the parents in the ceremony, who will be in charge of your kids? Will they be able to handle a meltdown if it happens? We still laugh about our wedding, but I have never seen the flower girl since then. She was not family and I was not friends with her family. It sounds like you have a close relationship with this family, so you will definitly be interacting with them again. You know your child best. I think you need to see how they would feel if she had a meltdown and "stole the show" so to speak with her behavior (which may never happen - she could be a champ!) If they are videotaping it will be saved forever! Some people would think it was cute - others would never speak to you again. This is a toughie! I would talk with the wedding couple (both of them) and see how they feel about your concerns. I would also explain to the sibling about why you have changed your mind (if you do). A year is a long time for a child and can make a big difference in behavior at a formal event. Good luck! I don't envy you. L.

What is one night off her bedtime routine? Every little girl wants to be a flower girl. If she misbehaves during the service, most will simply think it is cute- and ultimately it is the bride's responsibility to decide if she wants to risk asking a 3 yo to be in a wedding. Her behavior during the ceremony is not a reflection of your parenting, only your willingness to let her try new things. Does she want to do it? I would not make a child that age do it, even if they changed their mind at the last minute.

I never got to be a flower girl. My daughter was flower girl for my sister's wedding at age 3- 2 weeks before the wedding my daughter cut her own hair- she had a very short pixie cut for the wedding!

Good luck with your decision.

My daughter has been a flower girl 3 times. Her first time was at 13 months for my sister's wedding. We were nervous on how she was going to do, but she did great! She walked down the asile and everything. I think that for a one time ocassion she will be fine. Let her try it and always have a back up plan just in case. For instance our back up plan was for her to walk with me or I was going to hold her. We even thoguht about pulling her in a wagon. If she has been asked to be in a wedding it means that she is special to the bride and groom. Allow her to be part of it. She just might surprise you. I will tell you that my daughter was so tired by the end of the night that she feel asleep at the reception. Just make sure your daughter gets a good long nap that day and try to push the nap back to later in the day. I am sure she will be fine.

While I don't think your daughter is too young in general, these weddings sound like they're just too late and too long for her age--although she would probably be fine with some other type of ceremony at a different time of day. Maybe your husband is thinking that if your daughter takes a nap and won't fall asleep until almost ten then maybe she'll be okay for the wedding. And maybe in that case she would be fine, but how far away is the wedding? By the time it rolls around she may have sorted out naps and gotten rid of them--when my son finally dropped his naps, he was dead to the world by 8:00. However, since you're not asking these people to change their wedding to suit your daughter's needs, I think you're doing the right thing by telling them no. If you let your daughter participate, you face a lot of hassle, and the couple sets themselves up for the possibility of major disruption, and in the end, it's just not worth it for any of you. Why exactly do they feel so strongly about having your very young daughter there? She won't remember it. So she'll be in the pictures for years to come?

Sometimes I think only current mothers truly understand what a disaster it is to make young children fit into adult schedules. Even my husband and mother who are both GREAT just don't seem to always get the trouble we're in for in breaking schedules--especially when there are also expectations that the kids perform or behave in some way. No one else knows like you do what the repercussions will be of keeping your child up late to fulfill adult expectations. The bride and groom certainly aren't going to have to deal with the fallout, and they'll only come to understand what you're dealing with when they have kids of their own. I think it's enough that you and your husband are in the wedding. You made the right decision with the last wedding, and I think it's still the right decision now. Just tell them you're honored that they want your daughter to participate, but seeing as she's normally getting ready for bed at the time the wedding starts, it just won't work. If they still don't get it then I think all you can say is that maybe they'll understand one day when they have kids. Good luck!

You are your childs advocate. You know how you think she would behave during a ceremony of that caliber. I have sons and the oldest was ringbearer at our wedding. It was not a long catholic mass, ours was just about 40 minutes including the processional. My son was able to sit with my parents when he could not be still at the front. He was 3 years and 5 months old. Does your daughter attend a catholic mass with you? If she does and can sit still during the entire thing? If she does well during a normal mass and is usually awake during that time frame she may be able to handle it. Maybe give it a trial run to see how she does staying up past her bedtime and decide from that. A friend of mine had her best friends daughter be the flower girl when she was almost 3. It was a catholic mass during the afternoon. The daughter started acting up with crying, yelling, scooting around on the floor. Her mother was horrified at her behavior but could not do anything as she was the maid of honor. Several of us tried to redirect her attention to make her stop. Finally one of the parents of either the bride or groom, I am not sure who went up picked her up yelling and screaming took her out. They in turn missed some of the ceremony. The mother felt really bad that she had ruined her best friends ceremony. The bride and groom tried to say it was all right but thats their wedding day. Hopefully it will be the only one they have and you want the memories to be positive. Good Luck!

Hi, A.! I don't have time to read all the responses right now, so please forgive me if I say anything anyone else said. I am a pastor and I served a congregation for the last six years (though now I'm back in school). I officiated at A LOT of weddings. Now, mind you, I am a protestant and the weddings, typically, were shorter than Catholic weddings, but I have been to long and short weddings alike and taken a leadership role in several of them, at all different times of day. I always tell couples who are planning to involve young children in their wedding (especially if they're under five, or perhaps even six) that that is ABSOLUTELY fine, BUT that they have to be prepared for the fact that ANYTHING could happen. For couples that have a high need for control over their wedding, involving very young children is not a good idea. If they're fine with your daughter falling asleep before walking down the aisle, or melting down half way down the aisle, or running around during the ceremony, or just, generally being unpredictable (melting down at the rehearsal, for example, but then doing GREAT at the ceremony- or vice verse) then your daughter is old enough. It is NO big deal if kids in ceremonies don't end up "doing their part", the bride and groom are married at the end of the day and everyone usually gets a chuckle out of whatever the children in a ceremony do. But all the key parties (which I think would include you and your husband) need to be o.k. with letting your daughter be a child, and unpredictable, in order to make it work. The fact that you and your husband are both in the ceremony could be helpful, so long as the couple is willing to let you step out of line if need be to attend to your child through the long ceremony. Sometimes I've seen moms who are bridesmaids walk the flower girl down the aisle, ditto with dads who are groomsmen. It is sweet.

Enough. Blessings as you discern what is best for your family and friends.

If she is staying up on her own now, let her have a late nap and be a flower girl. Have a person that can take her to the back of the church if she can not stay up there that long. Have a plan that if she is dierupting the service that she is taken out. It can be done where no one even notices. Also have a bridesmaid have plenty of goodies in tow to keep her occupied. She is at the right age and the cute age to be a flowergirl. If the bride and groom are not worried about her behavior then you should be fine.

I'd explain to the bride that a 2 1/2 yo may be a little tempramental, but if she is willing to accept that, then you'd be happy to let her be a flower girl.

Special events call for special exceptions, so I wouldn't sweat the lack of nap or the extra goodies you may have th give her to keep her content. I'd give her a good nap in the afternoon, and make sure she was fed before the ceremony. For the ceremony, I'd assign a bridesmaid to receive her since she will probably just wander at the altar, but as soon as the mass starts, you can sit with her in the front row with coloring books, fruit snacks, etc. After the ceremony, let her walk back up the isle with the wedding party.

My 2yo neice and 3yo son were in my father-in-law's wedding (Catholic Mass) and did wonderfully. She forgot to throw flowers and he swung the pillow, but it was all cute anyway and I am so glad they did it.

My daughter was a flower girl at both 19 months and 2 1/2 and did fine both times. She even stayed up during both receptions that went well into the night. At 19 months, she was present for all the pictures beforehand as well. We had treats for her to eat during the ceremony (she sat on the front row) and she got a toy (bribe) after the ceremony for doing so well.

I am not sure what is too young, but I think that it would be an experience that a little girl would not soon forget.
She is almost four and if her bed time is as strictly enforced as it sounds to be, one night out of pocket should not bother her.
I would hope that this groom's sister will understand. I saw great maturity in my boys between that 2 and 3 year span.

I guess that in the end, it depends on what you think that she is able to handle.

Good luck.

i'M A GRANMA, YES, IT IS TOO YOUNG. tOO MUCH GOING ON, TOO LATE AT NIGHT. My granddaughter was 5, it was an afternoon wedding, short. She did fine through most of it, ended up, sitting on the stage, at the bride's feet, and yes, it took away from the couple. Our almost 2 yr old at the time, had to be carried out of the church. They looked gorgeous, but looking good and acting good are not the same, and I guarantee you that the 2 yr olds who were in the wedding had a hard time. You are asking children to be adults for 2 hrs. Hire a babysitter and go and do your duties and enjoy yourselves.

if they are up for the fun kids produce at weddings go for it! i had my 5 year old daughter and our 4 year old nephew in our wedding. it was about 15 mins and they were bored out of their mind they were really good tho and the pics we got of them twirling throwing the pillow and sucking thumbs were great! talk to the bride see if shes up for sillyness if not then say shes still tp young! good luck

When we got married, my nephew was our ring bearer. My church has a policy that any kids participating in the ceremony must be 5 years old. Since he was only 4 at the time, they allowed him to walk down the aisle, but he then sat with my mother for the ceremony. It worked out very nicely as we didn't have to worry about him getting bored or tired of standing.

A.,

Please bear with me.. this is lengthy but as a fellow mom, and woman, are there ever any such things as short answers? :) First, I have to say that you're a good mom for putting your child's needs ahead of others.. that's part of our job is to be their "spokesperson" till they're on their own so I applaud you for thinking twice especially when it comes to one so young. Always go with your heart! I believe God gave us an extra touch of instinct when it comes to our own kids and not all things should be decided on what's the norm for other kids or what other moms do... so with that, go with what you think your daughter can handle and do with my thoughts what you like ok? :)

As you probably know and have heard, you could have 20 or more kids and each one would be different! :) I'm a mother of 5 and my kids are no exception - they have some similarities but their differences have made my husband and me re-think how we discipline them at times and what we allow them to do. I've been in your shoes a few times (not for a wedding but for other friend and family events) and depending on which of my children it was, is how the decision was/is reached.

I've found that not only is bedtime and sleep a factor, but their personality is another... is your daughter sociable and love being around people or is she shy and would rather be at your side then walking down an aisle past so many people? How long is her attention span and ability to sit or stand through long events like family events, church, and the like? WIll she have to stand up during the whole wedding or will they provide a chair for her.. and will she be content to stay there with or without you close by or do you think she'll need entertaining to stay quiet? Is she very verbal.. would she understand what to do, where to go, etc.? I don't think there's necessarily an age limit as it is how "young" is any given child too young (physically, verbally, etc. immature) to handle the position of flower girl? If thought of this way, then that would be how you'd explain it to the other sibling whose wedding she couldn't be in last year. Your daughter just simply wasn't ready yet physically, sleep-wise (I can't imagine hardly anyone would be at that age!) In the early years, just one year makes such a BIG difference! Your friend whose wedding your child was not in will understand that some day when/if she has her own children. She'll have to trust you till then that it was your child you had in mind when making that decision and that it wasn't anything personal.. that is, if she is to be in this next one.

As far as naps, I have to share first that I have 2 that have just always needed their sleep. They seem to run on "all engines" when they're awake so if they don't get their sleep, we all "suffer". Then we have two that though they sleep more than the other two, their personalities are such that they are about as easy-going and sweet when they're tired as when they've gotten to sleep. (Our 5th child is 10 months old, so we have yet to decide on her :)).

I'm sorry to babble on but just a few more thoughts to ask/share... does your daughter "need" her sleep? Does she wake up in the morning in a good mood after falling asleep at 10 or is she crabby? As my kids grew older and seemed to fight their naps, I gave them a "trial period".. if they miss their nap and can stay up till their normal bedtime without showing signs that they should've taken one for at least 3, 4 days, then I feel they've "out grown" naps. Some kids just don't seem to need to take them for as many years as others. (I was one who almost always came home from school and fell asleep on the couch even through elementary.. one of my kids is like that, the others not so much!)

But seeing as you mentioned your daughter crashing at 4 when she fights her nap, then the following may work for her better. If my kiddos crashed later, were crabby, hyper (trying to keep themselves up), or anything out of the norm, then I have them have a rest time instead of a nap. At or around the same time as their nap would've been, I have them lie down in their room and rest.. listen to a favorite cd, look at books, something as non-stimulating as possible that they can do in bed for at least an hour. If they're tired enough that day, they'll fall asleep. If not, at least their "batteries" still got a recharge of some kind so they're not running on "go" all day long.

You still have a few months to where she'll have "told" you already if she can handle the job or not but I know something like this, you probably need to let them know "now" if she can be involved or not. Ask your friends how long you have to let them know your decision then maybe give her a "trial period" if possible. If she seems to respond well to just resting, then you can decide if a yes is still in order, if the other thoughts I'd wondered about are something else to consider. Even if it's "iffy" as far as the sleep factor.. that she still sleeps during rest time some days and not on others, then I'd say she's on her way to outgrowing nap time and possible will have done so by July.

If all thoughts point to a "yes", there are a few things that might be helpful for you and your little one that can ease as much anxiety about the "big day" as possible.. like making sure she doesn't do anything out of the ordinary or draining the day of or before the wedding so she's not worn out or feeling the need for a nap that day to make up for the extra energy she used.. no bday parties, all day trips to the zoo, or whatnot (not that those would be likely.. just can't think of anything better off the top of my head!).

And depending on how verbal your child is, you could explain and practice with her what she'll need to do as flower girl, off and on for at least a couple of weeks ahead of time. Walking down a hallway with flowers, wearing a fancy dress, etc. would help her be familiar with the job so the actual day isn't such a surprise.

I may think of more things to consider tomorrow but it's late so I'm not running on all cylinders at the moment. But I just had to throw out the few that hit me when I read your letter and hope that I've helped and not hindered you in any way!

You know your child better than anyone so believe in yourself as the mommy God gave her in you and do what you feel is best for her ok?

Sincerely,
H. M.

We just did this this weekend. My daughter is 3 and 2 months. She took a long afternoon nap. If she hadn't taken that nap, she would have been poorly behaved like she was at the rehearsal. She was able to walk down the aisle after me with a little cue from the ushers. However, my husband was not in the wedding and was able to sit where she could go and sit with him. Of course in the middle of it all, even after using the bathroom just before the ceremony, she announces that she needs to go potty. Being fairly recently potty trained, he had to take her out. No, our wedding was at 5:15 and only lasted about half an hour. There were nannies at the reception, but being that she likes to dance, she came down after the cake and was dancing the night away. She was then at the after perty at the hotel room and basically up until about 1am. Her sleep schedule had been messed up all weekend and just got back on track by staying home yesterday and sleeping until she woke up and not taking a nap. I hope this helps. She did a good job, but was getting restless just prior to the wedding when we had to wait about 10 minutes before walking down the aisle. She also only had to carry a pomador of roses as the chapel we were in did not allow spreading flowers. I don't think she could have done this. Oh, and if you decide to have her do this, practice is the key. While everyone else was milling around at the rehearsal, she and I were walking that aisle a lot.