Inlaws Issues

I would cancel the vacation even if that meant losing money. Life is too short to spend it with people that want to tear you down.

Good luck.

You MIL needs to apologize to your daughter about the rings. Did you ask your daughter about the money?

As for the vacation, are you all staying in the same house? If yes, I would try to find another location near the current one for you and your family to stay. That way you can still go on your vacation and limit the interactions with everyone else.

If you are already staying in seperate locations/hotel rooms, then go and enjoy your vacation. Limit your contact with MIL.

As for the dislike, we do have an Aunt that has alzhiemers. She has accused both my 5y daughter and 4y neice of stealing jewerly from her. Even got in her face about. I had to step in and tell her to back off. To appease her I gave her one of my daughter's play rings. Made a big deal about how it was special to my daughter and that the Aunt could hold on to it until the Aunt's ring was found. My daughter was in tears that she hadn't done it. I pulled her aside, told her I believed her, just let me do this so that Aunt will leave. My FIL called the next morning to say that the he had found the Aunt's ring in her bathroom. She hadn't worn it to our house. He came over and apologized to my daughter, gave her a hug, etc. Meanwhile, the Aunt wears a stretchy bracelet that says 'Princess' that we all know she took from my niece. Its been a few months. We keep waiting for her to take it off and leave it somewhere so that the niece can get it back without causing a fight or accussing.

Your husband, not you, is the adult child in this situation. It is HIS role now to explain to his mother that she should apologize to you and your daugher for falsely accusing your child of theft. He should do this now, not wait, because the longer it festers, the worse this is going to get. But a firm and prompt talk by him, speaking respectfully to her but also saying she needs to step up and apologize, could help end this now, before the vacation.

If you feel your husband is not dealing with his parents -- why? It's the role of the adult child to do this. Not the role of the adult child's spouse.

It's troubliing that your MIL simultaneously accused your daughter of stealing money. Your husband also should mention that and say, "If you saw our daughter doing something like that, why didn't you stop her and speak to her then and there? Wouldn't you agree that it is a grandparent's duty and prerogative to stop a grandchild from making such a huge mistake?" I wager that MIL will back off that accusation because she didn't actually "see" any theft take place.

Regarding the vacation: It is indeed tough to deny the kids a desired holiday because of just MIL. Is it possible for you to make this vacation a time when you and your daughter spend a lot of time together and away from the rest of the family? You and she can connect and have special time together. Let your husband handle the other kids. But even if that's the plan -- I would have hubby tell MIL, if you want this vacation to happen, these are our ground rules: And those rules include her treating all three kids the same, and not singling out this one child.

One last thing: Do you and your husband have any other incidents that might indicate MIL is generally behaving as if she's very suspicious of other people? Does she seem to be even slightly paranoid that people are coming in and stealing things from her? Does she leap right to "It's been stolen!" when something can't be found, rather than assuming as most of us would, that an item might just be mislaid? Paranoia, imaginings of theft and strangers in the house, suspicions, etc. can actually be early signs of dementias including Alzheimer's. I have zero way to know if that's the case here. But if there is more to this story beyond picking on your daughter, and if you think MIL's personality is changing to become more suspicious and/or paranoid in general beyond this one case, please consider if this might actually be an early sign of a bigger problem.

Whatever you do, bless you and your husband. My advice is personal, as it comes from a history of not having stood up for one of my children when I should have. I have been forgiven, but I have not forgotten that I chose to "keep the peace" and let inappropriate comments be made.

If you think there is a possibility of changing his parents, then let your husband give it another try. But it doesn't sound like challenging them to change for a whole vacation is a great idea.

Together you need to decide if you will be able to protect your daughter from any and all negative effects of this vacation. If you cannot honestly say you will be able to do this, please do not go. Vacations are not necessary. Feeling loved and protected by your parents is. All my best.

I agree that it's your husband's job to set things right here. He'll have to meet with them in person and calmly lay out the facts and let them know how you all perceive her behavior and that if this can't be resolved, the vacation plans will have to change.

Is it possible that your MIL is no longer of sound mind and is slipping into dementia? Are there other behaviors from her that are out of character? If she's targeting one child, the only thing I could think of that would explain that would be if she is starting to lose her mind and somehow associates your daughter with something negative and is acting out this way. That doesn't make it OK, but it might explain things.

I don't know where the vacation is to, but it is very possible you can arrange activities to keep your children happy and busy and away from the MIL. If lodging is "close-quarters", keep things structured to provide the least opportunity for discord.

This will not wind up being much of a "vacation" for you, but possibly a necessary sacrifice to keep everyone appeased.

I would suggest you NEVER plan a vacation with them again, though. Keep the visits short and on your "turf" as much as possible, and you can keep the venom to a minimum.

What a shame. She sounds very self-centered and self righteous. She definitely owes your daughter and you an apology and learn to back off. There are boundaries and she is definitely overstepping them. I agree with OneandDone, your husband needs to get with them to clear the air and demand an apology from them, a sincere one. If not, then I would probably refuse to go on the vacation. There's already a problem so big deal if it causes another problem if you don't go? You can't please people like this no matter what you do. You go, I can almost gaurentee another problem would arise during the vacation. Stand your ground. Have your husband deal with them and see what comes out of that and then decide if you should go on the vacation. Good luck.

Yes, my first thought is whether your MIL is healthy.

There *are* folks whose personality or character make them act like this. But there are others who are, well, not quite balanced, who swing between suspicion and non-suspicion and believe they are perfectly justified.

You don't say how old your daughter is. If she were my daughter and were old enough to understand this, I would let her know that Grandma worries about things. She (daughter) hasn't done anything wrong, and there isn't anything she can do about Grandma's worries except to be very careful at Grandma's house and stay in the public rooms, not going into the bedrooms or studies. (My granddaughters are always in my room looking at my jewelry - they're attracted to it like moths to a flame. But they don't take - they rearrange! It's with my permission.)

I can remember (back when dinosaurs roamed the earth) when for a few days our family visited some friends of my parents who had a cabin in the mountains. As it turned out, we kids spent a great deal of our time enjoying the outdoors, because apparently the woman started suspecting us of things. My mother said, much later, that she thought perhaps the woman was an alcoholic - something they had not realized. At any rate, my parents found many things for us to do that were out of the woman's way, and didn't say too much about the difficulty at the time.

For what it's worth, it wouldn't be much easier if your children were grown. Such things hurt at any age. But I would want to protect my little children from anger and accusations that they wouldn't be able to understand and handle.

Can your husband set up a get together to clear the air?
I really think, since these are his parents, that he needs to step up here to get things back on track, if possible.

Your in-laws DO owe your daughter an apology. Your husband should make that very clear.

Do you honestly think your in-laws have a dislike for O. of their own grandchildren? If so--that would be very weird! If it's true, then I think your husband needs to address that as well...
Good luck!

If she indeed saw your daughter take money she should have then and there stopped her and then told you or her son. Its her son/your husband that needs to confront her on anything she is doing wrong. Truly I would like to hear her take on what is happening. Its a one sided issue here. Where your saying your family is perfect and she is the monster. While most of it is nonsence and she is burning her own bridge with her family (grandkids) most of what you said can be handled in a " thats just silly" attitude. We all have family members that are miserable individuals and make life so much harder than it should be. But we still invite them to family events. Or make a special time for them to be together. I think going on vacation and dealing with the issues would be best for your family. Why arent you saying what your thinking like " great I am so glad you found them, I will hand you the phone so you can appoligize to "daughter" and let her know you arent blaming her anymore". And when she says things like your daughter is ungreatful and rude TALK to her and find out exactly why. I stopped giving my neices and nephews gifts because they were ungreatful and rude. Their mother never sees it. I know family can be rude but saying your imediate family never does anything wrong makes it hard to see the truth of the situation to give good advice.

Hugs going out to you and your daughter. Just out of curiosity, is your other children "boys"; reason I asked, because a friend of mine had that happened in her family too. Your dad's parents, loved girls but not boys. She had a year younger brother and 5 year younger sister. Her and her sister got showered with presents, while her brother, I'm not lying either, got broken toys and when he opened the presents, they were like, why did you break the toy. They were really mean to him. Her parents put their foot down and said, if you don't treat our son right, we will have nothing to do with you. And they didn't.

I do think your husband needs to talk to his parents, and stand up for your daughter and you with them. Will he do that? Will he tell his parents, your behavior towards my family isn't right, how can you accuse my daughter of should things, I will not subject her to this kind of behavior and say the family get togethers are out? Family takes care of each other, not break each other down.
Something like that.
Hugs going out, stay strong for your daughter, Lord knows she needs good strong female role models, and your MIL isn't one...

This is such a bizarre situation. This is one of those times when I would love to hear the MIL's side of things.

Wow- even before reading your update, this situation rings of some kind of psychological disorder. Could be bipolar... could be early onset dementia or Alzheimer's. Either way, it's NOT okay for her to treat your daughter this way. You did the right thing in saying something directly to her. Your husband should say something as well.

As for the vacation, I strongly suggest that you consider pre-planning one or two activities each day for just "you guys"- leaving the entourage at the hotel/condo. Take your kids (or your older daughter) to go do something so she's not forced to sit there and be around the toxic family members the whole time. Make sure that your MIL isn't alone with your daughter at any time and if she is for some reason, make sure your daughter knows that it is OK to walk away from her grandmother if she becomes nasty.

I agree with "OneAndDone", the MIL definitely owes your daughter a BIG apology. And frankly, if you have not already I would tell your husband everything. If you have, then I'd suggest you have a talk with him about standing up for his family and yall's daughter, because that is not right!

I have had problems with my MIL before and it will cause less conflict if your husband says something and stands up for you and his family.
I think your hubby should say something like " If you continue making comments like you have been (give examples) then thats showing me you have no respect. And if you dont have respect for my family then you dont have any respect for me. If you cant love us all equally and accept us then stay away because whether you are my mother or not, whats coming out of your mouth is hurtful and I won't tolerate it any longer".

One of the annoyances of MIL's is that they usually think they know everything and at times can be quick to judge but slow to apologize.

I love my MIL, my mother died when I was young and I did not have that mother figure I needed growing up and her and I are very close and I call her "mom', but she and I have had our moments. And usually its best if the spouse stands up for you first and then you chime in later.

We were at a movie theatre to go see "The Lorax" the other day and invited my MIL. My spouse, MIL and son went to go get some food and my 5 yr old daughter and I reserved the seats, well right before they went down the stairs my MIL turns around and loudly says " You sure you can take care of her, cause I don't trust you?" and laughed. Im thinking "Are you freaking kidding me, thats my daughter and Im a great mother, how dare that even come out of your mouth?!" but instead I said " I think I got this , thanks' and my spouse chewed her a new one.

So all in all, I would tell your husband NO VACATION until this issue is resolved and the MIL, knows her place and that what she has said is wrong and no longer tolerable. Once she is aware, apologizes and agrees to be more respectful then you can go but until then NO WAY!!!! It wont be a vacation if she does not correct her ways, just a vaca. from hell.