Hi Moms,
My question is not really related to children, but i do need an opinion on my feelings about something. My brother-in-law (my husband's brother) got married yesterday. My husband was in the wedding party, and sat at the head table with his brother, new wife, and other attendants. One attendant had his wife/girlfriend sit there. My husband and I have two small children and I was NOT expecting to sit at the head table. I know better than that. I can tell you that my brother-in-law's wife included me by giving me a corsage to wear as a "sister". She also invited me to the girls spa day that she had for her attendants, even though I was unable to be there.
My issue really is with my mother-in-law. I made an assumption as the daughter-in-law of the family, that I would sit with my husband's parents, aunt and uncle, and grandmother. There were close family friends there at the wedding who also sat with my family. While in line for appetizers, I asked my MIL where they were sitting so I could join them. When she pointed, I saw that the table was already full, and my heart sank a little. I responded, probably, inappropriately, on my part by saying something like "I guess I'll be sitting alone then." (During the ceremony, my 5 year old had acted out very badly, and I was stressed and angry at her, and projected)
A little later, my MIL helped me find a seat for me and my girls, and she decided to sit with me. She helped me get through line and ate with me (this was a buffet style reception). As we started eating, I said that she didn't need to sit with me, that I was okay. She shrugged her shoulders and said nothing. After we ate, she moved back over to her table with the family.
So the first thing I need to say is that I feel horrible for how everything went down. I do have issues with anxiety and stress, and I try to keep that in check. But I am also a very sensitive person. So sometimes I say how I am feeling, when I should keep it to myself.
I guess here is the part where I ask my question or questions. Was I asking too much to think I had a right to sit with my husband's family? Was it wrong of my MIL to not make room for me? Or, at least acknowledge that she knows I am family, but there is no room for me, etc.? I ended up sitting with the bride's mother and stepfather, the flower girls, and the flower girls father. So the bride at least made arrangements for her sister's husband and family to have someone to sit with, since the flower girls mother was also in the wedding. What have other people done at weddings? Where would have been the "right" place to sit? Finally, I want to talk to my MIL to clear the air- this is actually about a bigger issue, in that she has made me feel like I am not a part of the family. I have been married to her son for 8 1/2 years and have given her 2 grandchildren. But somehow there is still distance between us. I'm not sure how to approach her. I'm pretty sure I didn't ruin the day for her, but I feel like because of my pouting, and her feeling like she needed to sit with me, that I ruined part of the reception for her. I can't change what happened, but I am hurt over feeling neglected. And I am feeling bad that I may have hurt her as well.
At my own wedding, my husband and I made room for my attendant's spouses and significant others to sit with us. None of my party attendants had children yet. I can't remember right now who sat with my parents and my husband's parents, it was 8 years ago. But I'm sure we had several tables reserved for family.
I know I should've reacted differently. Part of me knows I may be overreacting, but I still feel like my feelings matter too. Anyway, any advice and words are appreciated.
Thank you.
I want to thank everyone for their responses. I do think this was poor communication on my part, after being stressed out. I was rude to my MIL. I do appreciate that she sat with me. However, I do believe she would not have if I hadn't said anything. I suggested she sit back with the family after we were done eating because I was thankful for the fact that she sat with me, and I did not want her to be away from her husband, etc. any longer - I did not mean for that to come off I rude. I felt bad that my comment caused her to feel like she needed to "babysit" me. My comment was made at a frustrating moment in time. Haven't we all said something we wish we hadn't? Someone commented that I was unhappy that it wasn't enough to sit with the bride's parents. I had never met them before. I was in a room full of strangers, aside from my husband, in-laws, and children (Bride and Groom, of course I knew) Excuse me for feeling a little uncomfortable having to sit with people I don't know, who may or may not like children, and that the children have been fussy. What can I say, I am human, and I let my emotions get the best of me. I am going to speak with her and apologize for my rude behavior towards her, and hopefully she will forgive me and we can grow closer from now on. BTW, during the ceremony, I did remove myself and my daughters, as did other parents that child issues.
Definitely apologize. It's not up to your MIL to make sure you have an easy/good time at her sons wedding. I'm usually quite quick to jump on the anti-MIL bandwagon, by I think you were in the wrong here. Unless there was a seating chart (which it sounds like there wasn't), then you should have made arrangements to sit with your in-laws for the added help beforehand. Sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear, but that's what I think.
Honestly... the day wasn't about you so you should have kept your comments to a minimum. Your SIL made every effort to make you feel included (per your posting) and the day was a celebration for your in-laws. You probably did put a damper on the reception for her b/c she felt like you needed to be babysat. She was more than accommodating when you consider the fact that she left her table to make you feel better. YOU made the assumption regarding seating.
When we got married we elected not to do a head table b/c most of our attendants were married and we wanted them to be able to sit with their spouses, but I have been in weddings with a head table and my husband knew he needed to "fend for himself"- including my sister's wedding. He sat with some of our childhood friends and if he was unhappy about it, he NEVER let on b/c the day wasn't about making him happy... it was about making sure that his SIL, new BIL and his in-laws had everything they needed for a good night.
You owe your MIL an apology for your behavior and if this is about a "bigger issue", then address it head-on. If you're insecure and anxious, be open about that and let her know that you are sensitive to their actions. Be honest with her, but don't lay the blame on her for your comments and behavior.
I'm pretty sensitive too but think your MIL was actually quite nice to come sit with you like that. I'd be more annoyed at my husband! He could have gone back and forth between tables or something and made sure you were ok. But men typically don't worry about us like we worry about everyone else. It really wasn't your MIL's responsibility though. I'd thank her for coming to sit with you and apologize and say you were having a tough time with the kids and aren't good at being at large functions where you don't know a lot of people. If there's a larger issue, I'd ask my husband if he knows of any bad feelings on his mother's part and if not, make a bigger effort for a little while. Do a girls "tea" maybe with you and your daughter(s), a couple of things like that and see if things improve. If not, I'd let it go and just not expect much from her.
Talk to her, apologize and explain how you where feeling and see where the conversation goes. Maybe invite her to join you for lunch, without the kids if possible, so you can focus on each other. I understand how you feel, I still feel outside my husbands family at times, and we have been together for 12 years. My husband just now realized how much my parents love him (like a son), and has started to understand why I have had such a hard time with the way his family has treated me. He thought that his family was his and mine was mine, and never understood how I was raised to believe that it did not matter if you where blood or married in, once family, love was unconditional, and forever. He is seeing that now, in how I love even when I get little in return, I just don't know any other way to love :)
Blessed Be
I don't know. Your comment didn't seem that out of line or over the top. I could see myself saying the same thing. It was her choice to come over and sit with you. I don't know that an apology is in order because you might make this into a bigger deal than it needs to be.
I do think the seating was done poorly. You shouldn't have been seated with strangers. If they had no way around it, they should have told you in advance and mentioned who you'd be sitting with and why ("Bride's family also recently traveled to Canada, so we think you'll have a lot to talk about," etc.).
If it had been my wedding and I couldn't seat you with people you knew, I'd aim for a good match and make sure you were at the table right next to your husband's family. I'd definitely find some kind of connection, such as being around the same age or having a similar interest. Sounds like they botched this. I would have been disappointed, too.
I don't think your hubby should have been in the wedding, he should have been with you and helping care for his kids. I think he acted very selfishly. The bride should have made sure you and kids were at a table with your husband or his moms table. I don't think you need to apologize to anyone, you have a right to be angry. I would have been pissed off!!
While I do agree that it would have been nice for you to have a seat at the family table, the fact that you didn't had nothing to do with your MIL.
I suggest that you call and tell her you were having a hard time with the kids that day and that you wanted to THANK HER for helping you & sitting with you. And then, ask how her day is going.
There is no "air to clear" with her. She tried to do right by you, given the circumstances. It wasn't her job to make the seating arrangements right.
Mind you, my MIL HATES me - hates, hates, hates me. So this isn't coming from someone with roses and cream in that relationship. But it does sound like YOUR MIL tried to make you happy.
Weddings are hard to plan. Someone is always unhappy about the seating. Yes, you should have been seated with family but it doesn't sound like anyone was TRYING to exclude you. Someone may have mucked up the planning. Someone may have sat down where they weren't supposed to. Someone may have thought the kids would sit together. Take a deep breath, remember this day had nothing to do with you, try to be happy that you have a MIL who would spend time helping and being with you when she knew you were unhappy.
I won't tell you what I think my MIL would have done in that situation, but she would have been very pleased.
Hugs.
The last 2 weddings I was at - I was good friends with EVERYONE in the wedding party - I didn't even know anyone else that well really except their family. At both weddings the bride & groom had their own "sweetheart" table. They also had names & table numbers. They placed me at the table with all of my friends even though it was the "wedding party" - I don't like head tables! At both of those weddings I would have been extremely hurt if all my friends were at the head table and I just had to sit with other people I didn't know well. So I think you just let your emotions get the best of you by making those comments to your MIL. But I completely understand.
Since you know that you can't handle stress very well, hubby shouldn't have left you alone during the reception to handle 2 kids. Being in the wedding is one thing. Sitting across the room and not at the same table with your kids is different. He should've excused himself from sitting at the wedding party table. At lass, guys don't think like that and if it were my hubby he probably thought that if you needed his help you'd come get him.
As for not being able to sit with your inlaws I can understand why you feel hurt, but don't really think you should be. The table only holds a certain # of people, and they did have other family members from out of town there. If it were assigned seating, your BIL probably only gave the bride a list of who was who and left the seating up to her. If not, there were the hosts and had other family in town. In that case, it is first come first seated. At my cousin's wedding they grouped people by age instead of family relation so my Grandma ended up sitting at a table of strangers instead of with her Daughter, the hostess.
If I were you, I would call the MIL and thank her for helping you with the girls during the buffet yesterday. If it hadn't been for her you never would've gotten to eat. The fact that she did sit with you and help you without being asked twice does show that she considers you family. I would just chalk it up to stress and nerves and try to move on.
Also, the next time one of you is asked to be in a wedding, I would use this as an excuse to decline.
M.
I do think you are overreacting and making a mountain out of a molehill. No need to talk to anyone about this. I don't think you said anything out of line, maybe if you said it very rudely, it was, but from what I see here, I wouldn't worry about it.
It sounds like where you were seated was a good place, they can't possibly fit everyone at the head table, especially with little children. Now a days, formal seating arrangements at weddings aren't as prevalent as they used to be, and it's pretty customary to sit with people you don't know.
It is unfortunate you feel you aren't accepted into the family. Perhaps you can take steps to remedy that on your part, and if they don't reciprocate then just pass it off as something that only time will handle. If you must call your mil and address the wedding seating issue, I would just say, sorry you took it a little personally, you were just feeling a little overwhelmed and confused about what was expected of you, but thank her for joining you for a time.'
Then ask if you can get together for a lunch date or something, and don't bring it up again.
I've had my own issues with wedding reception seating.
My husband was in the wedding party of a close friend. wedding party seated at the head table , then spouses and their children were seated at a table on the other side of the hall from the head table. It was AWEFUL. Here I was surrounded with people that I don't know and I don't like people. Especially people I don't know. And my husband was on the other side of the room. Many other things went wrong with this wedding that should have been done differently.
But I know how you feel.
For most weddings that I have attended we never had a seating chart of any kind. There was the head table for all members of the wedding party (only). There were two parents tables (marked as RESERVED). The parents (and grandparents) were told those were their tables...bride's at one and groom's at the other. Everyone else sat wherever....if there was room for others at the parents table, the parents could have them sit there. You should have been w/ your in-laws instead of the aunt & uncle but should have asked them to save you seat(s).
Sounds like a misunderstanding. You expected something but she didn't know you were expecting it. Communication is everything.
Talk to her and put the tension behind you before it continues.
It sounds to me like your MIL made the effort to make you part of the family by sitting with you, and you telling she could leave was your way of saying I'm not your daughter. Your were not neglected you did reject the overture your MIL made. yes, apologize to her. I hope the two of you can become closer, you dont say why there is distance between you, but maybe now would be a good time for a heart to heart talk.
You were seated with the bride's parents and that wasn't good enough for you? You were seated with other young children which means someone thought about the best place for you and your children to sit. When your daughter behaved badly during the ceremony did you remove her so as not to disrupt the wedding?
My friend has lots of issues with anxiety, lots of people do. I've never heard it used an excuse to be rude.
