Told My MIL How I Feel and Now Everyone Is MAD!

You know the boat only seats six so you knew it would not work. Why mention it. You should have just gone with no mention. If they asked if you were going to be around that particular day, you say no we made plans.

There is nothing wrong with feeling disappointed. You were looking forward to the trip. Feel your feelings.

Why is your husband upset with you? Because you're disappointed about missing a trip you look forward to all year? Really? You're an adult and have every right to your disappointment. I'm sure you weren't rude in expressing your feelings....right?

Rent a boat and go. You can be independent of them and do your own thing that way.

I am really torn on this. I have actually had to deal with something similar with my in-laws (who I adore). My kids love them and want to spend time. One of the nephews and my SIL live with them and on vacation the SIL left nephew who they see every day with us so now MIL didn't get to spend any time with her other grandbabies. I was hurt, my kids were sad and felt ignored. I almost left, but I realized she is an adult and can make her own choices. She is missing out on time with my kids, etc.
SO, you are ok to feel this way, but it was a little petty to make the week about you or to compare the two vacation experiences. I understand about "bottled up" feelings, but there is also the "sucking it up because you are an adult" so, in short, you probably should have just kept to yourself. Did you ever think you SIL may have wanted to spend time with her brother, you and the cousins and was looking forward to seeing you all on this rare occasion?
Now that it is out of the bag, you need to do some mending. Tell you MIL how much you love the time with them and that you were just disappointed that the "tradition" was broken. Hug it out and reaffirm how much fun it will still be with new faces on the boat. No need for your hubby to be in the middle as it is your feelings and your relationship with MIL & SIL.
Good luck.

Your MIL is upset because she realizes that her son is right. By being upset, she's trying to make your husband look like the bad guy instead of her.

Your husband is playing the "kick the cat" game. His mother is upset with him, so he's upset with you. Shame on him.

I'd skip the boat ride this year. Your MIL wants her way regardless of how your family feels. I wouldn't give it to her.

I'd feel just like you. You shouldn't be ashamed for YOUR feelings. You have the right to them. The SIL was there earlier in the summer and I'm assuming took a boat ride then? Why on earth is the MIL thinking that your family not going would be fair? She's wrong in this, not you.

Let it go, and from now on just don't expect the boat ride if SIL is there. And don't apologize for this! You did nothing wrong!

Why can't you and your husband just take the boat and go as your family.. The others do not have to all go this time.

Some people cannot handle the truth.. You and your husband have pointed out the elephant in the room. Yes, SIL does seem to get more perks from the family for some reason. Probably because your husband really does not care and has not spoken up before. . But you see the difference.

The secret is to either speak up to MIL and tell her you all are sorry for feeling a bit disappointed.. Or just ignore all of the fall out and act as if all is fine.

You are not asking for anything unreasonable.. But is there any way you all can just go later in the week, when SIL is not there?

Your mil is not a gracious hostess. She should have said, sure you all go on your own. Or, I am sure daughter and her family will be fine.

Why would your husband be mad at you? He has no reason. He spoke his mind and was told no.. Now as a family everyone just needs to act like grown ups and either talk it out or move on.

I can see both sides. So Monday/Tuesday were the best tides, it isn't like the ocean ceases to exist Wednesday morning. You could go a different day.

Did they say Monday isn't good or skip it completely? If they said Monday isn't good then it is on you for insisting it must be perfect tides. If they said skip it completely well then they are not being very flexible.

Thing is it seems like a huge fight over nothing. We have a lot of traditions that have skipped years for various reasons but we always look at the big picture, there is going to be next year.

Why don't you just call them back and say, how about, and throw out which of the remaining days have the best tide?
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How much does it cost to rent a second boat for the night?

I am midwest, we deal with lakes but we are around boats. When we went to the lake one of the cool things is we had multiple boats, kids would be on the boat with grandpa and their cousins, he would be silly, they would think they were cool. We would all be in the adult boat acting like we had no kids for a moment.

I guess your restaurant plan was for you, your Hubby and kids and MIL - not a group thing - and so it was a plan that was not suppose to include everyone.
You didn't know your SIL was going to show up.
I understand that she might want to join in but this was a prior plan that did not include her and you didn't invite her.
Is she in the habit of just inviting herself along?
Has Hubby explained to your SIL?
If she knows, she might just make some plans of her own elsewhere and not want to go with you guys - they can go some other time.
If it's resolved between Hubby and SIL, MIL should be perfectly happy.
Hubby should not be upset with you.
If he didn't agree with you he should have said so to you.
But he didn't.
He spoke with his Mom and worded things as he did, if his Mom's upset it should be with him and if HE's upset is shouldn't be with YOU.
MIL, SIL, and Hubby have a neat little circle of displacement going on.
Hope they figure it out one of these days and quit being mad at the wrong people.

I think you have every right to be upset, but sometimes we have to swallow our pride to keep the peace. Just try to make the best of things and hope for better next year.

I totally get where you are coming from, and I would be hurt too. I think it's important to tell people how you feel. If they don't like it, that's their problem.

I get how you're feeling, but I don't think that it should have been a fight. I think that you should have asked if you and your family could go (their boat? Or rent your own.). If they felt uncomfortable excluding your SIL, then they could stay with her. If this is what you look forward to every year, then you should be able/willing to go on your own. Is it too late to present that as an option?

I don't think that you owe it to SIL or MIL to spend the entire overlap with all of them. For one evening, you and your immediate family can be on your own. I get that the in-laws are footign the bill, but that doesn't mean that they control every minute of your time. Even on company-sponsored trips, there is down time.

At this point, just say something like, "Hey, I was upset and expressed my hurt in the heat of the moment. I'm really sorry that I turned this into something bigger than it should have been. The boat ride outing has been the highlight of our trip for me, and I don't want to miss it. Hubby and I (and kids?) will just enjoy it alone this year." Make it clear that it's not about family dynamics at all (favoritism toward SIL) but about your really wanting to go on the boat ride to dinner.

Don't feel too bad. We're human, and these things creep out of us at times. If SIL stays mad over this, tell her to get over it. You were the one with the hurt feelings and disappointment. What has she suffered? If she were worth anything, she would offer to stay home and find something else to do while you get to go to dinner. (That's just me talking. Don't take that attitude to the table with you.)

ETA: I just read it again. Your husband said that you guys feel like second best? HIS WORDS?? You don't need to apologize for anything. You have only expressed your disappointment to your husband. He is the one who carried it to his family in that way. That is a reflection of the dynamics among them and has nothing to do with you. I agree with a previous poster that he is not really angry with you, but deflecting because of the response he got from his mother.

Moving forward, I think that you should not mention it again and rent your own boat for Monday night. If you ask to use their boat, you won't be able to trust the commitment, if she agrees. Something could come up at the last minute, and you will be expected/encouraged/forced to just deal with it. Deal with it, now. Don't make an issue of it at all. When they start talking plans, just let them know that you already have plans for Monday evening.

You certainly have a right to be disappointed.
But you never should have said you feel like "second best."
You said yourself that your inlaws specifically reserve a week for JUST you in August. That's awesome. That you see them every day, have dinner, go to the beach.
Second best you are NOT.
You should have kept your mouth shut.
So, now you get to say to your inlaws, "I am so sorry! I was disappointed that we wouldn't be getting to go in the boat across the water for dinner, but we have NEVER felt like second best. That wasn't what I meant. I meant to say that I was sad we wouldn't be going. Please forgive me!"
Crow doesn't taste too bad.
L.

How about renting a boat that night? Is that possible? This way you can all go and have a great time. Sounds like you all get along - so finding the solution and making it all work out shouldn't be so hard. Worst case scenario, you all try a new place somewhere else.

But I do get your dilemma. And moms and daughters can be "that way" sometimes!!

Can't you rent a boat for those two days? Then you can all go out together. If not, then just let it go. I understand your disappointment, but in the great scheme of things, it doesn't matter.

I think you should apologize to your MIL. You're sorry and that you didn't mean to get her upset. That you were caught up in the moment and now you're over it. I would probably lay it on thick.

Hope you have a great time and everything works out!

I might be misunderstanding, but I'm guessing that your MIL's point is that she is hoping that everyone will do things TOGETHER til Wednesday. I'm not sure how often during the year she gets to see your family and SIL's family, but I bet she is looking forward to the long weekend with all of you being there nearby all at once.

You have two choices: (1) do the boat ride on Monday night without MIL (which I think is fine, if your family really enjoys it), or (2) do the boat ride on a night after SIL leaves, when the tides might be as good...and really - the tides? are you professional fishermen? are the tides really such a big deal?

I'd be disappointed, but I can understand your MILs position. If you have guests and you can't accommodate taking them all on an outing, you just don't go. That's the polite thing to do.

I don't think you're "crazy" for being disappointed, but I think your expectation that everyone else should go and leave SIL and her family behind is skewed.

If it's that important, can you rent a boat for you and your family to take that ride for dinner?

BTW, I think you are also overlooking the fact that it's YOUR schedule that keeps you from enjoying more time at the beach. That's a choice you and your family have made.

I can soooo relate to your post and I empathize. Sometimes it would be nice if your MIL or your own mom wouldn't lump all of you together like they did when you were little kids. You are grown and have your own family, just like your SIL. But your MIL probably truly did not want to hurt her daughter's feelings (as silly as that sounds).

My parents have a mountain home. They always tell us to go anytime we want to (we live in southern Florida). Well, I asked my mom if we could come on the 4th of July (popular there) and she told me that my sister was already staying there (along with her family and my mom and dad) so there wouldn't be room. Both of my sisters live in town 5 minutes from my parents, and see them ALL the time. I have to admit I was so hurt I cried about it. It just hurts when you live out of town and feel like you have to compete with siblings who see the parents constantly.

Your in-laws sounds like sweet people, just like my parents. But I'm determined when my sons are grown to treat their families as entities of their own, and not be so focused on trying to appease the squeaky wheel. At least I hope so anyway (I'll probably make new mistakes LOL).

Anyway I just want you to know that I "get" where you're coming from.

And for those who don't know tides are extremely important in certain boating situations.

I'm not a big fan of emails for emotional issues (prefer phone calls) but now that it's gone out I think it's fine. Your heart is in the right place.

I hope it all resolves peacefully.

ETA: I agree with Jill, too. Sometimes moms/MILs create problems that aren't there. In my situation my sister later told me that she would have been happy to rent a hotel room! She was bummed that we didn't come!

I'd be bummed too! I wonder if your SIL even cares about going and this was your MIL deciding for her... And so your husband said you were disappointed! He didn't call his mom a b-tch or something. You guys are disappointed and why can't she know and understand that? I'd look into renting another boat. I guess you have to apologize bc it's her house and her boat etc but I'd keep it short and just say you didn't mean to make a problem, you were disappointed bc you look forward to it every year and you're just going to rent a boat. And your husband can't be mad unless you were ranting and raving and insisted he call her. It'll be ironic if your SIL hears about this and says how they already go 3 weeks a year and couldn't care less about the boat ride...

You stated your feelings. Your DH relayed how his family felt. MIL got irritated. I would try to rent a boat and go out anyway, since you only get this week.

I think you were not wrong in expressing your disappointment, but MIL can't take it. There are some people who are only happy when it's all their way and any little something wrong is just horrible.

"I'm sorry you feel that way. Since this is important to our children and they are only here this one week, we are renting a boat. You are welcome to come with us if you want." And then just do it. Not everything needs to be vetted by the clan. It's your vacation, too.

Please remind your DH that his mother's feelings are hers and he shouldn't take her behavior out on you.

Just talk to her. Tell her that you certainly didn't want to upset anyone or leave SIL out but you ARE disappointed not to be able to take that boat ride as it is something you really look forward to. Tell her that you are sorry she is upset for you expressing your disappointment (you are right? doesn't change your disappointment though).

Can you, hubby and your kids rent a boat to still take your trip? Can you go on Wednesday or Thursday night instead? Even though it's not the best night, would it work?

Then I think it should be you and your family. Inlaws can stay home. Why be disappointed? Or rent another boat. I think you are more bothered by the fact that SIL and her family are coming as well.

It's your turn to make a sincere apology. If you wrote a note to your mil and dropped it off at some point,it would be good. Tell her most of the things here. How you go there because you enjoy their company and look forward to the boat ride. But you understand that they wouldn't want to leave their daughter out.

Sorry, but you don't have a leg to stand on, for the pouting thing.
It's ALL a gift. Enjoy it. Don't ruin a good thing with wanting more.

I think this was a mole hill that was turned into a mountain. So if you have to skip the boat ride one year, will it ruin the rest of the vacation? Probably not. I get being upset about it - but it would not have upset me to the point to cause a problem...even though that was not your intention.

Why not go another night? Even though it's not IDEAL it would still work, right? I know NOTHING about boats, so I could be wrong here...but I would think as long as there is water, then it would be an option.

Also, is the house rent free to everyone when you all use it?

I do not get why your husband is mad at you though. He must have agreed or he wouldn't have said anything. I tell my husband when I think his mom is out of line and we discuss it, normally I just realize it is what it is and I move on. Not worth a fight.

But no, you're not wrong for being upset about it - I just think it didn't need to be discussed.

First things first-are you enjoying this experience on your in-law's dime? If so, I'd have to say that you sound very ungracious.

It sounds like you do realize that you made a fuss about nothing, so I would do the appropriate thing and apologize to your MIL for causing a commotion and reiterating to her that you are just happy to be able to spend time together as a family.

ETA: I am so glad you called your MIL to apologize. That speaks volumes about your character. I totally get wanting to have some time to yourselves--I never get my parents to myself, either, because we live 400 miles away, but my sister also lives in my area, so when my parents come we are all together. When we go home to my parents' hometown we are with my brothers and my extended family.

Why would you not just go yourselves?
This seems really trivial to me? The boat can't fit everyone. You want to go since it's a favorite.

Go without them. Meet up with them afterwards.
What's the problem? Surely one night where you are not all together would not be the end of the world.
I guess I don't understand why that wasn't just the immediate response to begin with. Why did it have to come down to "we all go, or no one goes"?
Especially since this is hardly your first trip together, this year, even.

Hi, K.:

I understand your frustration.

Let me understand the situation:

Your M-I-L allowed you and your husband to reserve a week in August for you and your husband, her son, at her beach house?

You had planned for your husband's mother and father, your husband and you to take a boat ride to a restaurant on a Monday night?

The M-I-L requested to invite your husband's sister and her family on the boat ride too?

You didn't want to do that?

Now your M-I-L and husband are upset with you because you wanted some private time with your husband and his mother and father?

You have every right to be disappointed and to have expressed it.

When you reserved the week in August, was the arrangement to take a boat ride with your husband and his parents to a restaurant already agreed upon?

Or was it assumed?

If the agreement was made at the time you registered to have the week in August for a boat ride to the restaurant, then the M-I-L forgot. If not,
next time, you need to make sure agreements are in place.

It's all about communication. How to clean it up, is to be honest with your feelings.

Good luck.
D.

Honestly, I don't understand. It sounds like your SIL (and MIL) wants to spend time with you guys while you are all down together. Since you are down for 1 week you could absolutely go on Wednesday, Thursday or Friday night after they leave. Your "one chance" is not on just Monday and Tuesday since you are down for the week.