My sister and myself with our family went to Big Bear last year without my brother and his family. We decided against inviting them because SIL is always fighting with my brother and we did not want the stress of having them there. We love our brother and the kids and would have loved to have them there. We decided to invite them this year since we missed them last year. My SIL is choosing not to come and has given my brother hell since last year since they did not get invited last year. We did go to BB without even mentioning it to them. My sister had planned to spend Thanksgiving with them and at the last minute planned the BB trip and cancelled her trip with them. I had NO plans with them whatsoever. My SIL insists she deserves an apology for not being invited. I say NO apology needed. She refuses to go to BB this year and is not letting the kids go. My brother is staying home with his family even though he has stated he would love for the kids to spend it with the cousins. The question is: Do I and/or my sister owe SIL an apology? Should we go ahead and aplogize to keep the peace and so they can come and spend the Holiday with us? By the way, she boycotts every birthday party our kids have. She won't show up and sends the kids with my brother.
Hi Mamas, Thank you all for your advice; I needed to hear what you had to say. So, I called my brother and SIL and asked to get on speakerphone. I apologized to both. I told them I was sorry for not inviting them last year and giving them the option of joining us. I told them we had missed them greatly and that we did not want to go without them this year. I told them I loved them and the kids and that family is important and we need to stick together. They were both speechless. They said thank you and said that my apology meant a lot to them. She then said that she was mostly hurt by my action and did not expect that from me as she loves me and I am the favorite aunty. She then added the past is forgotten. We are all very excited and are spending Thanksgiving together. I really did not believe I owe an apology to them, but you ladies opened my eyes. I could not sleep that night as I was so happy. Thanks again! You ladies are great!!!!
I would want to maintain the relationship with my brother and his kids. Since SIL is the gateway to those relationships, I would apologize.
It's a tough decision to make. I wish you the best of luck.
Ditto to everything already said.
Adding one more thought....
An apology isn't worth much if you don't actually FEEL sorry!
Yes, you owe an apology. Be the adult here and apologize for the fact that they were hurt by your decision to exclude them in a family trip.
You may not like her, but you probably hurt your brother which means you hurt her too! Frankly, she sounds like a nasty person, but then again you two may not give off the "welcoming vibes" to her.
Make peace and enjoy the time with your brother and his family. Bottom line, your sister cancelled on them and went away with you without an explanation or an invite to join. Truthfully, if your brother and sister did that to you, you would be really hurt too.
Does SIL know or understand WHY they were not invited? Has anyone just been frank with them and said, your arguing in front of the rest of the family has created a really uncomfortable situation and we didn't need the kids exposed to that?
I would tell her the truth - with a small apology. Tell her: The families wanted to go on a stress free and well deserved vacation. Having you and my brother come along always results in fighing and yelling and we didn't want to be stressed by it. I'm sorry if you feel hurt. That was not our intention. We'd like if you would come this year - but please, no fighting in fromt of the kids. It's not how we want to spend our vacation.
Then tell her that for the sake of the families and kids, to please come and share the vacation and to forgive and forget. I think it's important to keep the peace - family is everything. You'll regret it later on. Especially since your brother is effected, too!
I would, for the sake of being kind and keepin peace, tell her that you are very sorry that you and your sister hurt her feelings. Your sister should have also said she is sorry she cancelled her plans with them.
I see nothing wrong with the trip you took last year (excluding them was fine) but your sister had plans w/ them so maybe she should have passed. Bottom line is, that was last year.
Unfortunately, this hurts not only her but your brother and more importantly, their kids. We all have family members who annoy us, but when it comes to siblings it seems rather unfair to exclude one sibling with no prior warning if the three of you have done this trip together with your families before. A private talk with your brother about the fighting with his wife may have been the better way to go before deciding not to invite them. So at this point, yes I would apologize.
I know it's hard to hear this but yes, I think you do owe her an apology. You may feel justified in not inviting your brother and SIL but it was still hurtfull to her that she and her family were discluded.
OMG - I totally feel your pain!! My SIL is a witch with a capital B!! And sounds much like your SIL. That being said, I try to live by the rule that I do not let her actions dictate my actions. Just because she is a "B" does not mean that I should respond in kind...if you know what I mean. I think that you should be the bigger person, for your brother and your niece/nephews sake. Unfortunately, they are the ones that are paying for it the most. And who knows, maybe one day you will rub off on her! LOL ~ I know, I know....but we can dream can't we??? Best of Luck!!
i have one of those, my mil gets offended if not invited, even though when she is she never comes, so we quit inviting her. just leave it, and i wouldn't apologize, if she doesn't want her kids around their family that's her problem, their dad can always take them himself whether she likes it or not, that's between them
i won't say aplogize but maybe she does need to know what's up. now if she understand why ya'll did it is her problem but atleast you are being real with her. now your brother may need to come with an understanding with her that the kids have nothing to do with grow folks business so she should not put them in the middle. Now, the birthday parties that on her atleast your brother shows up then who need the M..
Yes, my feelings would have been hurt too!
I am sorry but the only one your punishing is your brother and his kids. Is an apology for not inviting them so hard. Wouldnt you rather see your brother and the kids than not see them because of an apology. Maybe she knows how you feel about her, like I know how my SIL's feel about me and not for a good reason. Try to see her side of how she may feel. I try really hard with my inlaws when we first got married......they hated me. No matter how or what I did. Now after 16 years they have come around, now I dont care so much. So don't let it go on like mine did. Try to see the good in her, she may just want to feel excepted.
Lynn M. summed it up nicely. Now, apologize and play nice!
just wanted to say, i don't get along with my Sister in Law. I HATE to be around her, my husband can deal with her (it is his sister). So when his family is doing things i don't go. I send the kids, and husband then we don't have to be fake nice to each other and they get to enjoy their time and my kids and husband get to see their family. I dont think you need to apologize I mean who the hell does she think she is to expect that.. uhh no!
My opinion, even though she sounds like a real "B" how would you feel if you were left out? I do think you owe an apology. I understand wanting to have the stress free vacation, however, the trip sounds real juvenile, you kept it hush, hush from them, didn't invite them and think some how that's okay? She may really be a huge "B" but you are putting your brother and nieces/nephews in an hard place. That's his wife, that's their mommy; you are making him/them choose. That's not right.
My parents took us on a family vacation every year growing up, I have 3 sisters. My oldest sister complained and really made the vacations not as fun as it could have been. Our last family vacation she was in college and didn't go with us. My sisters and I, always said it was the best vacation ever because we had lots of fun and no complaining. My oldest sister has changed a lot since then and it really hurt her feelings that we all thought that. We explained, and she did see how she was negative about the trips. This year my parents celebrated their 40th anniversary and we all got together with the grandkids and had our best family vacation ever, and she was part of it. My point is, be upfront and honest, by sneaking around and talking about SIL, will only hurt the situation. She may change, she may never change. (have a feeling the latter) but don't let her negativity ruin the great family you all have.
"I am sorry that we didn't invite you to Big Bear last year. It's just that every time we all get together you and my brother are fighting! It's not fun for your kids and it's certainly not fun for us. I am sorry that your feelings are hurt. Should we try it this year and see how everyone behaves?"
Let her know why she wasn't invited!
I remember talking with my friend a couple of years ago because I was so uncomfortable at her house. I love her like a sister, but she was just constantly on her husband about EVERYTHING! It was bad. So, I told her that it was just too uncomfortable to come over, I felt wierd, I didn't konw what to say. She took it, was very quiet, asked some other friends of ours if it was true, and now things are much better! I don't know if they still fight when we are not around, but at least it's not in front of us.
I say, honesty is the best policy.
L.
You hurt her feelings by not inviting her. Even if you feel you had good reason, you should always apologize to someone if you hurt them, even if the hurt was not intentional. Would you have been hurt if your sister and brother went on a trip, and did not invite you or tell you about it? I bet you would. You owe her an apology, she is family and you treated her poorly.
No, you do not need to apologize, however, you COULD!, think of it this way, is it worth it, to blurt out an I'm sorry, just so your brother and THE KIDS can go?
There are people who dwell in the drama, I don't know why, and we may not be able to control it, (ask me about it, I have an SIL from hell of my own) but, you can work around it, for YOU and YOUR BROTHER and THE KIDS!.
Who cares if she doesn't show up to the party, rather not have her there, but at least the kids came, and that's what matters. Who cares if she thinks she deserves and apology, (inside of you, what YOU really want is for your brother & kids to come), then do whatever you have to do to get what YOU want, even if it means giving her an apology. Maybe you don't really want to, and feel you're being overstepped, but if you can look past that into what really matters you'll have something to be really thankful for.
After all thanksgiving is about just that, being together with family as drama free as we can be, and I think an apology is worth it just so YOU and YOURS can have that.
Good Luck!
I don't know about the apology - if you think you owe her one, great, do it - if not, don't make an insincere apology.
As far as "boycotting" the b-day parties and sending her husband and kids - I would not want to go where I my company isn't enjoyed either. I don't blame her for not attending. Be grateful that she doesn't show up, if she is that unpleasant - and also be grateful that your brother and their kids do show up.
Apologize so that the kids can be with their cousins. You are punishing them to prove your point. Also, you are putting your brother in the middle. Why are you risking your relationship with all of them? Be the bigger person and do what is right for the kids.
