Inappropriate Advance?

Oh lord, I would NEED to know. He's trying to sleep with teenagers, now? Yes, I would tell my friend. I would be sacred for her children. He has such a lack of boundaries, it's scary. I would be LIVID, if my friend knew and said nothing.

This isn't about just affairs. He is involving young girls, and trying to (or has) take part in illegal sexual acts. She needs to be able to protect her children. Forget about the friendship for a second, and think about the safety of her kids, and their friends, babysitters, cousins...anyone who is young and in his presence.

ETA: PLEASE tell that girls parents. They need to know.

Like most, I don't view this as an 'affair' question. An affair takes place between two consenting adults. He, however, made advances on a child. This is a whole new ballgame and the wife needs to know. I believe the authorities need to know as well...he is a predator now not just a cheating husband.

If it was me I would want to know. There are children at stake here. Not just a man having affairs with women.

Extra marital affairs are one thing-child molestation is another-it is a criminal, actionable act of the most extreme-it is a form of physical violence and a harmful, personal crime. Would I tell her? Hell yes. The guy is a predator-and he needs to be treated, by someone in authority, as such. You have information regarding an alleged crime against a child-do you really think you should keep this to yourself? Your question is, in essence, should I protect a child? Always-and at all costs.

Well, he just went from Jerk at the beginning of your post to someone I don't want around my family or in my home. It could have been your daughter or for all you know, his daughter.

I think you need to tell the parent of the other girl. Yes, it's incredibly messy, but you are talking about a child. Let the other parents determine how to address it. If I were that Mom, I would be outraged you did nothing and didn't tell me.

As for your friendship, I think you need to keep him away from you and your's and that requires a chat with her. it's an awful thing to have to do, but I also believe a true friend would tell. He could be bringing all manner of disease into their home, causing her embarrassment (how many of her friends and aquaintances has he done this with), and ultimately is being very disrespectful. She will hate you if she finds out you knew and said nothing.

It's a risk to tell her, but it's the right thing. Someone should be doing the right thing here.

I guess everyone is different, but if this were my husband and my friend didn't tell me, I'd be furious. I think of how I would feel if I discovered after the fact that all along my friend knew, I'd wonder how many of my friends knew, and I'd feel foolish, like everyone was talking about me behind my back. I wouldn't feel like friends were protecting me, even if that was the intention.

Who cares if the wife WANTS to know? She NEEDS to know that her husband is now engaging in illegal activities. How could you have any question at all about whether or not to say anything to the wife or to the underage girl's mother? That absolutely boggles my mind.

Suppose it were the first time he approached a child but that incident made him feel empowered and he raped a young girl after her? Or suppose it's a pattern of his and he rapes young teen girls? These girls were AFRAID to say anything... that means something! They're afraid of this guy and probably of not being believed. But you know better because he did it to you. He's becoming more brazen about it now. I see this as an escalation.

I would absolutely tell the mother of the girl, and encourage her to file a police report. Since you know that it happened, you need to file a report as well. The police will start an investigation. This could easily have been your daughter and not her friend.

I'm going to be very blunt: even if I knew my husband were a cheater, I would be livid if I found out that a friend knew about an instance in particular and said nothing. I would boil my friend in oil if I found out she knew he was propositioning underage girls in a specific situation and said nothing. In both of those scenarios, I would end the friendship.

EDIT: I'm shocked, simply shocked, that there are those who are giving the husband the benefit of the doubt here. "Tried to sleep with" could be as simple as sexually explicit language, a proposition, or physical attempts ALL OF WHICH ARE ILLEGAL WHEN DIRECTED AT AN UNDERAGE GIRL.

It's NOT up to the original poster to fact find. That's up to the police. It sounds to me as if the girls story matches the OP's story and the girls don't know that it happened to her. I find it very unlikely that these girls are lying or exaggerating.

As adults who are confided in, it's always ALWAYS our job to believe our children when they tell us that an adult did something inappropriate. It's our CHILDREN that require the benefit of the doubt until the accused sexual predator is proven innocent. If the guy turns out to be innocent, great. If the girls misinterpreted, let the police sort that out. That's their job. Until they sort it all out, BELIEVE THE GIRLS.

This may be the chicken way to do it, but I'd probably tell your daughter's friend's parents about it and also report it to CPS or the police. What he did was to solicit a minor, which is illegal. He is a danger to teenage girls. His wife may or may not do anything. If she knows of his affairs, then telling her is going to ruin your friendship, change nothing in their home, and allow him to continue to be a danger to teenage girls. If she doesn't know of his affairs, she may deny it and again ruin your friendship, change nothing in their home and allow him to continue to be a danger to teenage girls. If she believes you over her husband, she may have consequences with him, may or may not remain your friend and most likely will chage nothing about this man being a danger to teenage girls.

In my opinion, your real duty here is to your daughter's friend and her family. Telling your friend is not what is really needed. What is needed is for your daughter's friend's parents to know to be sure she gets any help that she needs and for law enforcement to handle the remainder of the case.

I know you already posted your follow up but I just wanted to say that you should tell your friend but you should expect her to be angry - that will be her defense mechanism kicking in. You should also expect to lose their friendship. It's sad but it's true. Ultimately, you have to put your daughter and her (underage) friend's safety above all else. I would rather lose a friend than have a young girl confronted/propositioned/groped/molested or raped by a drunken pervert.

Why would you want your daughter anywhere near this creep?

Stay away!

if a kids involved I'd speak up to the other kids parents and let them handle it, and i would tell my friend too.

the guy hitting on underage teenage girls marks him as a potential sexual predator not simply a guy who cant keep it his pants. his wife needs to know the names and birthdates of all the women and girls he has been hitting on, if for no other reason then so when one of these parents decide to sue him, she will be forewarned of any impending legal ramifications..tell her to talk to all her neighbors and find out EVERYTHING. chances are good, were she will find one or two, there are probably dozens more that, thus far, have been too embarrassed to come forward..who knows, if he has gotten a VD in his "wanderings", warning the neighbors might prevent him from spreading it.
K. h.

Yes, keep your kids away from him. No play dates. Take no chances.

That he made an unsuccessful sexual advance on you is history. Mention it, don't mention it...whatever you are comfortable with.

Making a sexual advance on a teenager is another story. It is a crime. If you do nothing, you are allowing him to continue this with other kids. There's never just one.

Offer to sit with your daughter's friend while she tells her parents or the legal authorities what happened. They will know what the statute of limitations is on his behavior. Have her write it all down.

And stay away from him.

Get real here. You don't have to tell your friend the truth about any of this if you don't want to have a confrontation with her. She already knows what he's doing. Believe me. She has eyes. She knows he's lusting on you and your daughter and everyone else. But she's not dealing with it. I know people like this. She's a mess and you need to distance.

So, unlike what other's here have said, I don't think you MUST tell her, unless you know a child has been raped, then call the police! Because no matter how you choose to approach this (ie. avoidance or opening up) she will probably end the relationship in anger. The other option is to continue status quo, but know this, if you just continue on and tolerate her dysfunction, you or someone you love is going to get hurt if you're not brave enough to let this friendship go. Which I think is the right thing to do. It's just a matter of how to end it.

If you avoid her with no explanation, she'll get angry or hurt and move on. If you tell her the truth, believe me, even if dude is a womanizer, she's going to shoot the messanger (you) and if she doesn't, the relationship will be strained because you can NEVER, NEVER continue your relationship with her as it has always been if she remains married to him because it will jeopardize you and your daughter's safety. If they stay together, that means they're a package deal. She's not going to modify her life or his to accommodate yours. She may get resentful and put it on you to be responsible for your daughter's safety if you come around her home. She may develope distrust or accuse the two of you of messing up her marriage. The wild card here is you have no way of knowing what dude's spin on the story is going to be if anything should happen in the future between he and you or he and your daughter. In fact, he might be so messed up that when he finds out you told his wife, he may up the ante and really come on strong because the cat's out of the bag. It happens. Been there, done that.

So I guess the only options you have here are whether you want to tell her the obvious and have an all out confrontation and dragged out painful break-up from your friend until it's ends on an ugly note, or plan b. just suddenly no longer be available until she just blows you off. Neither is better than the other as they both have the same end result IMO.

Either way you approach this, you're going to lose your friend. As of now, consider the friendship over and prepare to move on. Their dysfunctional relationship has gotten to the point where there is no point or value in continuing on with being a friend to her. The only way your friendship can continue is if she chooses to completely leave her husband and step away from the dysfunction. Until then, her toxicity will be your toxicity. This sounds like an unhealthy if not downright dangerous situation ripe for tragedy not only for your friend, but maybe fore you and those you love as well.

So, once you let the cat out of the bag.... do know, that the GIRLS will HAVE TO SPEAK up too... and not change their story about it, once everyone knows.
If they get scared/embarrassed once you tell the parents, then, they may get cold feet. As you said, up until now, they were "afraid" to say anything.

So, when did this happen anyway? Yesterday? 10 years ago?
And, how did your friend's Husband, attempt to sleep with your oldest daughter's underage teenage girlfriend? That girl had a play date/sleepover at their house?

IN any event, the guy is a scum and was trying to victimize children. And who knows what else he has done, or tried to do, and probably online stuff too. This is rarely just a single incident... but a mode of behavior and habit.
AND the girls, will have to.... once this is brought into the open, TELL the Police or other parents, what happened. WILL they do this?
If not, you don't have anything to stand on.

And if, this woman friend you know... has a daughter or daughters... I would hope that their Dad is not molesting them, or taking peeks at them while showering etc. or other disgusting things.

If you tell your friend, then you better make sure, that you stick to it and to the end, even if this creates drama and discomfort for you.
That woman friend of yours, should know.
What if her daughter(s) or their friends, are being hit on by the Husband? And he is having affairs... and bringing STD's home, to his Wife/your friend? That is another ramification.

Many ramifications here.
But the thing is, this guy tried to victimize, children.
That is a whole other ball game and level of wrongness.
Wouldn't YOU want to know, if this were you?

Children, need to be protected.
HOPEFULLY, he has not ALREADY victimized a child.
And he has already probably, have had affairs. Hitting on you, was not his only attempt. He probably has a long history of this.
This guy.... hits on adult women, and is hitting in CHILDREN.
And if they have play dates at their house... then can you imagine... this guy, checking out the girls and who knows what else???
Isn't that enough, for you to speak up?

Would you clarify WHEN this man tried to sleep with the underage teen? Was it 10 years ago, or just recently?

Thanks,
Dawn

Because this is a minor you are talking about this is a whole other level of behavior. I don't care how "mature" she is if she's under the age of consent then he is breaking the law and he needs to be reported.
But FIRST make sure this really happened. Sit down with your daughter's friend and let her know that you will be reporting what happened, and make sure she understands. She needs to know that this is not to get HER into trouble, but to protect other girls from future advances. This will also give her the chance to confess and come clean if she's not telling the truth (which would be a disaster for all, I hope she's not making it up!)
Good luck with this one, it's gonna be hard :(

Tell her,trying to sleep with an underage girl is a total different level.
You are her friend so please tell her.

B. k

For me, my ex cheated with a 19 year old former student of his. I figured out something was going on fairly quickly, but it was a very public, difficult split. I think you need to talk to your friend, but be prepared that she may not believe it. Affairs are not cut and dry. With the age, be prepared that this could become a very big, very public thing.

If you do talk to your friend, I'd let her know that you are there for her and support her but you cannot allow your daughter to be around him. It may take her some time to accept it if she does. Knowing you're there if she chooses to stay and do counseling or to leave she will need your support. At the lowest points, tell her to breathe. This too shall pass and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Many of us have been through this hell and have come out stronger and better for the journey.

If I were you, I would type up a letter on my computer and print it and mail it to her.
Change your handwriting when writing on the
envelope. Address the envelope to her name.
Don't tell her who you are. Just tell her that your a woman and her husband tried to have sex with you.
Tell her that's it not a joke.
Tell her that you also know that he tried this with a teenager.

Tell her that she doesn't know you and you want to keep it that way.

Keep it simple and short.

Tell her to keep her eyes and ears open about him.

Don't tell her face to face. Don't tell her it's you.
That way she will know and you don't have to ruin your friendship.

Best wishes.

Wow. I am really sorry that this man has put you in this position not once, but twice. What a creep.

Of course she knows about the extramarital affairs. She won't admit to that, but she knows. This is really different, though. I would say something to her, knowing full well that she would never speak to me again. I would also encourage the girl to speak with the police about what happened. If he did it to her, odds are pretty good he's tried it before and will try again.

There's no "easy" way to have this conversation with her so you may be best to just ask to meet her somewhere privately without the children present. Just tell her what you have heard- no names, of course, but that you have come to know this information and that it's eating at you. She's going to get VERY angry at YOU and probably say some really terrible things to you. Don't be surprised if you hear from the husband as well- although that would be pretty stupid on his part.

Inform her and then walk away from this friendship. Is this REALLY someone you want around your own daughters?

I'm sorry you have to do this. Good luck and know that no matter what happens... this is NOT a secret to keep and in my opinion you would be doing the right thing.

This question has shocked me more than any question I've ever read on Mamapedia.

Why would you even be considering not telling her?! You should not only let your friend know about these events, but you should call the police and let them know about this man's sexual advances towards the underage girl! He is a danger to his daughters and to other girls. Certainly don't let your daughters be around him any more.

I think you are displaying a lack of friendship by not telling your friend about her husband's advances. Even if she already suspects something is up, she may need someone else to help confirm it before she acts. And the fact that they were having "other issues" only enforces the need to tell your friend what happened- she needs to know the truth about her husband. If your are a true friend to her, you will not put your desire to maintain your friendship over doing what's right Her state of marriage is more important than your friendship, and if you tell her the truth, then hopefully she will recognize that you made the right choice in order to help protect her and her daughters, and she will respect you for that.

Telling the truth is almost always the best way to go, even if it is hard. I sure hope that I would have honest friends if I were in her situation.

I agree with Jo that from what you are including here, you don't know that this man has ever succeeded in having sex with someone outside his marriage. So all we know for sure is that the guy acts stupid when he's been drinking.

In the case of the teenager, you could encourage her to talk to a parent about this, or a counselor of some type. She may need some help in dealing with the situation that happened. But as far as you telling the wife, secondhand accusations don't usually go far to change a situation.

And define "tried to sleep with" as it pertains to both you and the girl. Saying sexual things to a person is a whole lot different than physical contact, which also comes in different degrees (according to our laws).

The guy seems to be a scum bag from your description, but from what you're sharing we have no evidence that he has acted illegally or has even had an affair.

Well it isn't an affair until he is successful.

Here is the thing, all women know when they are married to cheating scum. Some deny it to themselves other deal with it. The women in denial are going to lash out at the person that tells them. The ones that just deal with it you aren't telling them anything they don't already know but your confirmation may be what it takes to do something about it.

It is a risk you take telling someone.

My ex cheated, I always knew but I just dealt with it. Most of the women that will tell you they would want to know have never had a spouse cheat on them. Not saying they still wouldn't want to know but then they would know it is far more complicated than the cheating.

Oh yeah, one more thing, the people in denial tend to turn on the victims saying they actually came on to their husbands.....

A big part of me says it depends on how old the teen was. Is it pedophile type teen-age, or just garden variety creep teen-age? If it's the latter, I'd honestly say nothing. I think I'd just feel bad for my friend, and if I really valued her friendship, I'd just say nothing and just wait to be the shoulder to cry on once someone else eventually does. If this guy is really this big of a pervey creep, its just a matter of time before someone who doesn;t value him or their friendship with her calls them out on it.

Hi, Fun:

This is a serious allegation. I suggest you call Sandy George
at the International Institute for Restorative Practices and ask
her if someone does a family group decision making conference in your city.

Her number is : ###-###-####

Good luck.
D.

Tell her immediately! and don't ever let your kids around her husband. Thats all I have to say...

Updated

Tell her immediately! and don't ever let your kids around her husband. Thats all I have to say...