Daughters Friends Father

I would have my husband-- if you are not married, some close male relative tell him that you know off his past and that you are okay with the friendship, but not within overnight stays.

i'd want more info if he were *just* a 'sex offender', as that could well mean a guy who had a young girlfriend.
but aggravated sexual battery? surely there is some sort of legal constraint against this man being around little girls.
my concern would not be about them getting mad and de-friending my child nearly as much as the danger this little friend is in. and i would have no qualms about being upfront about it- not in an ugly accusatory manner (no point in provoking dangerous people), but in terms that would make it very clear to him (and his wife) that this is not and never would be an option, and that you are on high alert.
'sorry, fred, but due to your past conviction, i'm afraid my donatella will not be spending time at your home. i'm actually quite surprised that this is legally an option. however, your phoebe is welcome at our house any time.'
it's a risk that your daughter might be cut off from her best friend. i hope it doesn't happen. but kids don't die from disappointment. if they really can't grasp why this is not an option, they're both stupid AND dangerous. you can parent your daughter through disappointment far more easily than the worse possibilities that are very starkly there.
i'm so sorry you're dealing with this. very scary.
khairete
S.

Ditto Doris Day below.

How old is your daughter?

I have a daughter. She is 11.
There is NO way, I would let her go to their house.
There is NO way, I would befriend that guy on Facebook. JUST IGNORE it.
Don't worry about him, worry about your daughter.

And I would ask a Police Officer, about it and all the LAWS pertaining to his, offense.

Inviting another kid over to stay the night.
NO way!

And, per if this were my own kid, I WOULD talk to her... about it.
Not all the graphic details about it, but that that home is not safe, that man is not safe, he was convicted of a crime etc. The man is not his daughter, the daughter is not him... but that under NO circumstances, is my daughter to go to their home. NO way.
You EXPLAIN, to your daughter. In a way that she will understand.
Otherwise, she will think you are just being "mean" to her and her friend and who knows what she may do then???? Go see her friend without telling you? Keeping secrets from you??? Start to "hide" what she and her friend do or talk about???
You NEED to think about that... HOW you explain your reasoning TO your daughter and WITH her.
Think AHEAD, about ALL the ramifications, of this. And their friendship.

Just say NO to your daughter going there, you tell them no, that you know of his conviction, that is that.
And if they get all huffy about it and mad... well so what.

Now, just thinking of yourself, as an adult... if you were the victim of aggravated sexual battery, of an ADULT MAN... would you want to go to his house? If you were friends with one of his friends?
I think not.
Wouldn't you AVOID that man and that house? And all connection to him?
Even as an adult?
Good grief, I would AVOID any guy like that and his house and his whole social scene and friends.

Trying to befriend you on Facebook, is creepy.
Him inviting your daughter to his house, is creepy. He KNOWS he is a convicted sex offender. And he STILL... invites your daughter over to their house????
NO way!

IF he and their family, gets "mad" at you, for not allowing your daughter over there and they get retaliatory or do anything... "wrong" to you or your daughter or family.... you DOCUMENT it, and call the Cops if need be.
Take care of it.

CALL the cops, tell them this guy is a convicted sexual offender, he is inviting your daughter over to his house etc. and see what they say.
GET THE FACTS, yourself, from the Police.
Directly.

Is your daughter, this girl's ONLY friend?
Can you imagine, if that girl has other friends... who do not even know what you know, and they are invited over?

Don't be a "prisoner" of his crime or worry about what he/they will think or if they still stop allowing their daughter to be friends with your daughter.
You protect, your own daughter and family.
Does your husband know about this?
Did you discuss it with him and everything you told us, here?
You should.

You cannot keep avoiding... talking to your daughter about this.
She will think you are just being mean to her. For not letting her go to their house. Or worse.

And you also need to think about, is this girl, really the kind of friend, your daughter needs????? I mean, you said your daughter "adores...." this girl. Is that girl, a GOOD friend, a good influence etc.?
Does your daughter know how to "choose" friends and has OTHER friends too, AND is socially adept and has OTHER circles of friends?
Depending on how old your daughter is, you need to chat about things like this. Now. Not later. Learning about things like this, is ongoing. And some kids do not learn. Some do.

And look, it seems like this is NOT the only time, that family invited your daughter to stay the night. Because you said "my daughter already experienced the disappointment of not going allowed to go stay the night over there...."

Just tell him flat out that you know about his history and you are not comfortable allowing your daughter to spend the night there. If they decide not to allow their daughter to spend time with yours, it's unfortunate, but it's on them,not you. You do what you have to do to protect your child.

You can ignore any Friend request you don't want. You can also say that you are aware of his registration and will not allow your daughter to spend the night but then offer to host a sleepover at your house instead. It may be that the father's conviction will cause ongoing problems for the girl, but you have to protect your kid. She'll make more friends if they refuse to allow them to be friends anymore. I would host everything on my turf, not send my DD there.

Based on your statements, your daughter already knows she can't stay over, right?
So ignore his friend request on FB. It's easy. O. click. Then block him.
I don't understand the dilemma. You know his history. Your kid can't stay over. Other girl is welcome at your house. Ignore friend request.

You need to first get all the facts!!! I know a case (personally) where the Dad is a sex offender and his "victim" is his wife. He was 19 and she was 16 and her parents pressed charges - even when she did not want to. That was 25 years ago and that is the only thing that he has ever done "wrong"

I know another case where the man is a sex offender b/c he was caught urinating in an alley way late at night after leaving a club.

Now if it were for something like that I would not worry about it. Now if it is for something other than things like that I would not allow my child to stay over -

At the very least you need to talk to the father directly and voice your concern.

Just read your update- he was 31 and involved with a 16 year old- NO WAY would I allow my daughter to go over there.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I would really want to know what the offense was first off.
I just wouldn't accept the friend request, I never send friend requests to other people's husbands and I rarely get them from other people's husbands-maybe that's just me.
I would need a lot more info about this family before I would ever even allow my child to go and play at the house- ask the child's classroom teacher if this seems like a safe house to go to, talk to the police department- your inquiries will be kept confidential.

For now, you be the host for all of their get togethers, you host the sleepover. Just tell the parents that you're very protective of your daughter and you just don't allow her to sleepover/play at other people's houses. Nothing wrong with that- some people really don't!

"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

He has one heck of a lot of nerve to invite your daughter over to his house let alone to spend the night and I would not have a problem telling him that. What is he thinking? I don't think that is even legal. I would contact the local police and ask them actually.

Re: Facebook... Ignore his request. You don't owe him an explanation.

Re: the friendship between the girls... That is a chance you will have to take. He is lucky you are not holding his crimes against his daughter. For the record though...I feel really sorry for her.

We do not have a charge like aggravated sexual battery in Oregon. I don't know what that means. I would call the police depatment and find out. I suggest an officer in the sex crime unit would be willing to discuss this with you.

As a retired police officer who investigated sex offenders I can say it's unlikely that he is of danger to your daughter because his victim was a teen who is much more sexually mature than a 9 yo. But I would want to know what his crime involved.

As a sex offender this family knows the husband is listed as one on the Internet. I would talk with both of them, relating your concerns. If they are able to discuss this with your you and your husband sufficiently enough to set aside your concerns I would include them in your life and allow your daughter to play with her friend.

I suggest that putting this out in the open will help you know whether or not you want your daughter involved with them even in imited way. If he becomes angry and won't let his daughter play at your house it is best to know that.

What the heck is he doing inviting little girls over with his record? Trying to get in big trouble that's what. Is he a single dad? Why is the girl's mom not doing the inviting? No matter, you don't accept the FB request (I ignore tons, it's not a biggie unless he makes it one) and you tell him and your daughter that she is not allowed to stay over. If she has no other friends she would stay over with, you can even fudge the truth and say, "I don't allow her to have any overnights with anyone" if you don't want to offend. Plus, to me it would be better NOT to be having the friend overnight to your house either so it will look more balanced if neither overnight situation is happening. No matter how you say it, the answer is "no". My oldest daughter is 8, and when I tell her no overnights, there are a billion reasons I can give, or sometimes I just say, "no". Don't feel bad no matter how you handle saying no. Just say no.

He is a sexual predator. This is predatory behavior. See it for what it is. Speak to somebody at your local police department. They are trained on how to handle this.

Speak to the man directly. State that the girls may be friends at YOUR house. He is not to FB you or discuss an overnight about your daughter again, ever. Let him know his name came up one the sexual offenders list. You DO NOT NEED a explanation (he will just try to manipulate you). Let him know he has the right to privacy, UNTIL HE behaves in away that makes a parent question that right to privacy. He will get the hint.

If you are worried about hurting his feelings instead of protecting your daughter......he is already manipulating you. You need to take action and stop thinking about this for the sake of your daughter.

Like another poster said, encourage your daughter to develop other friendships. This one will not be a safe one.

The fact that HE is the one doing the inviting instead of the girl's mother is a red flag, in my opinion. Dads don't arrange sleepovers for little girls.

I'd call and talk with his wife. "I just don't feel comfortable with the girls sleeping over due to your husband's history. Is there another way we could get the girls together? How about at my house?"

Or, send your husband to talk with him.

Well I would ignore the FB friend request. I do that plenty of times.

I am confused as to the invitation for the sleep over, you say your daughter will never be allowed there but they also invited my daughter to stay the night. Then you say she experienced the disappointment of not going to stay the night over there. Just a little confusing.

Anyway, I am quite sure he is not to have any contact with children so she can't, problem solved.

If you don't feel right about the situation there is a reason.

I have a friend who asked her mom to spend the night at a friend's house. The mom went against her better judgment and the father of the girl took advantage of her. The parent's did not find out about it for several years and then it was too late as they got orders and moved. The daughter was emotionally traumatized and did things that have caused her great harm in her life.

So if you don't want to be friends, don't be friends on FB because you can blame it on FB and what has happened to people in the past. But don't put your daughter in harms way for a overnight stay. She can be friends at your home. It might be time to find some new friends or activities for your daughter to do that do not include the girl.

the other S.