Friends Husband Hitting on My Friend

I would tell her together. Meet for lunch and slowly bring it up in conversation. I would like to know.

It's a tough situation, I would have the woman he is hitting on hide a small tape recorder and get his voice on tape. It will be clear that theis woman is not making it up and then the wife can decide what she wants to do with the information from that point. Guy sounds like this isn't the first time he's done this. maybe the wife ignores is because she has no real evidence. This will be real evidence!

I think the guy gets a kick out of hitting on her friends because he knows the women won't tell his wife... because, they don't want to cause problems AND... if they do tell her, he will just deny it and be real convincing. And the woman may think the other women are lying.

so, the guy gets what he wants, gets off on it and hits on other women.

The guy of course is a jerk.

Maybe, next time it happens, manipulate HIM... say, "oh wait I know this other person that would LOVE to talk to you!" (and sound all excited)... and then go get your Husband... and then you BOTH stand there in FRONT of the guy... and say "okay, so go on, continue with your nice comments about me..."

All the best,
Susan

Wouldn't you want to know??? I feel like if you say nothing and the wife finds out she will feel betrayed by both her husband and "friends". She may want to give him the three strikes your out rule. I don't like the getting it on tape thing because I feel like that is rubbing it in her face. It's one thing to hear that it happened it is another thing to actually hear/see it. I would ask other mutual friends if he has ever come on to them. Chances are, if he is that bold, he probably has and is probably already cheating. She is going to choose to be with him or not but as a woman who would want to know, I say tell her.

Yes, this is tricky question. It's even harder since you work with the jerk's wife. I would probably bring it up to the wife. This the second time this situation has happened to you. You can tell her it's hard for you to come forward since you two are friends and coworker. You can tell her. If you still feel comfortable, we'll hang out, but you definitely do not feel comfortable around your friend's husband especially he dared you not to say anything. You can be forward that you don't want to be in such uncomfortable situation ever again. There is something wrong with the guy! I can imagine that he could be cheating on your friend already. It's not the first time he put a pass and/or came on a female. The guy is low life creep.

Kudos to all who suggested her husband get involved. That is definitely one route to go. The other is tell, tell, tell. I don't believe in keeping this kind of secret, secret. The other thing to do if there is no telling of the secret is to just stop hanging out with this couple. That is another route to go if you shy away from conflict. Obiviously there is conflict in this marriage already, not only does this man not respect his own marriage, he doesn't respect her or her marriage. A mass exodus from the friendship could begin on all fronts and when the wife asks why they are included or why couples won't join them then tell her he is why. There will be fallout but how do you speak the truth in love and reduce collateral damage? It's all a balancing act.

I know me and I would tell, tell, tell and then be as supportive as possible knowing it may cost a friendship. Who needs the soap opera like drama in real life? Life on its own is complicated enough.

I don't think this is a hard one at all. Your friend should say something. I would want to know if my husband was dirty like that. Frankly she's problaby not the only one he's hitting on. Ask your friend if she would want someone to tell her if her husband did that? I'd be mad at my friend if they didn't tell me.

Hi A.,
Is this guy *asking* to get caught, or what?! If it was my girlfriend, I would tell her to stay as far away from this guy as possible, he sounds like he's ready to make trouble, and he's willing to take any girl down with him. What does her husband think about this?? She should tell *him* first.

Good luck!
t

i know how friends can be. i actually have a similar situation that happened to family. my aunt has been with so many guys looking for the right one, been married 3 times and just hasnt had any luck (they are all lazy bums if you ask me) but anyway, she finally meets a man that lives right down the street from her and has been there the whole time. well, he actually fell for her first and then they were just inseperable. 8 months down the road, in this great flawless relationship, my cousin calls me and says, i dont know what to do, he's been hitting on me the WHOLE time they have been together, i mean what do you do, just tell her that yeah she found the man she's been looking for all her life, but he's been trying to sleep with your daughter. but i told her the best thing to do is to tell her, no matter how badly it fractures your relationship, you will feel better and she will get over it, because after all its not her fault and that will be realized in your friends situation as well. good luck!

I can see how this puts your friend in a tough spot, but what a dog! I think she needs to say something to the wife. The fact that he did it twice and then dared her...PIG! Ig they are friends she should (Hopefully) appreciate the honesty. If it was your husband wouldn't you want to know? She should just approach the woman one on one and tell her what happened. It's going to put a strain on the group if she doesn't say something. It may put a strain on the group if she does, but if it were me, I would rather be honest. Good luck!

I had a similar experience years ago. It got to the point where I couldn't visit my girlfriend when her hubby was home. Then one day, she and I had a conversation where she told me she confronted him on his flirtatious ways. I didn't even know she knew.

I know your friend does not want to hurt her friend's feelings. So, maybe just not coming around or not being in a position where he can make his lewd gestures would help. (???) I'm sure he's not so bold to make these gestures when others are looking (like you or her significant other).

First, don't get involved telling for her. Second, I would suggest she talk to her own husband and tell him what happened and how she felt and the actual communication that occurred. Maybe her friend's husband like this that she may be playing hard to get when she is truly honest that she is not interested in playing this game. She should make every effort to stay far away from him and if her husband knows then he can make every effort to be there and maybe tell him "back off, this is MY wife". Years ago, when I was dating my husband and then we got married and this friend of his was hitting on me. I told my husband and he was upset that his friend would do that and that he didn't want to believe that he was being betrayed. I told my husband that it was making me very uncomfortable and somewhat scared of this whole thing because no matter what I said to this "friend" he was still doing it. Then one day, I was sitting on the edge of the pew (in church!!!) talking to someone and this "friend" put his arm behind me resting his arm on the pew and I didn't know. Right off, my husband was right there and he said, "Get your arm away from MY wife. She's MY wife." And I looked behind me and there he was moving his arm away from me. This "friend" was going with someone at the time. I was like, this is gross!! Now my husband understands that he could be betrayed by friends, but I won't betray him. We've been happily married for 6 years now and we enjoy each other all the time.

Many years ago I had this happen to me with a best friend. I told the husband not to come on to me as I could not face the look on my friend's face if she ever found out. (I was single at the time.) I told him if he had to do something like that to find someone that she did not know and to leave me alone. He never bothered me again and as for his fooling around I don't know. But the fact that he had the nerve to ask mes more than I could do. I was not nice about it but polite and he got the message.

Dear Anna-

This is a difficult one for sure...

Let me just share that I am divorced. I divorced my ex because he was a verbally abusive alcoholic...and found out about the 'myriad' other activities post divorce from 'so called' friends. If they had really been friends...I would have appreciated being told at the time, as I would have immediately divorced him...rather than staying married as long as I did 'for the sake of the kids'...

Good luck!
Michele/cat

I tend to think it's best for your friend to tell her own husband first and together decide on how this should be handled.
I for one tend to think if she going to tell the guy's wife, she should do it with her own husband at her side.
In terms of working at the same job with this other women...that relationship is going to be strained now even if she doesn't tell her what her husband is doing.

I can tell you first I would never be in their company again. It would stop our relationship as couples. I would not want my husband to think that I was OK with men acting that way. Second if not first I would tell my husband. I am pretty sure he would take care of the situation, the same as I did when I saw someone hit on him. It was over!
When difficult situations come up I first do a role reversal and see what I would want. I look at it as honestly as one can, and decide what I would want. In this type of situation as I said I would consult my mate.
Then I pray to see what is right, not everyone does but I find this a positive step.
Then go with a friend if necessary and tread lightly

Hi...
Your friend is in a catch 22 here...my opinion is that if she tells the wife the wife will automatically talk to the husband and the husband will give some exuse and turn it around on your friend. I have seen this happen before. I would advise your friend just to stay completely out of the way of the husband. If he comes to sit or stand by her simply move away.
This is a tough situation but in my opinion I think telling the wife without actual "proof", as sad as this is, is only going to hurt the friendship not the marriage.
Good luck

I think this woman needs to stop hanging out with the other friend and the inappropriate husband. Why is she allowing herself to be alone with him? Maybe rather than telling the wife, she needs to tell her own husband. Instead of making threats, she needs to take action - she ought to have kicked him one for making that second pass. Making talk and threats clearly makes him think that she is inviting him, that she is playing a game and she needs to make it quite clear that his advances (harrassment) are unwanted.

It tough...I had similiar situation before. But I knew my girlfriend did not want to know because we had a discussion. About 5 girlfriends were talking about relationships and everyone said if they would want each other to tell them if their man was cheating or doing something inappropriate 3 of us said yeah we want to know the other 2 said no they rather "catch" him on their own. So maybe a general conversation between the 3 of u first to get her view and go from there. Good luck!

If your friend doesn't tell the man's wife, then he will no doubt take it as condoning and as an invitation for more flirting. If she doesn't tell, he might even think that she feels ghuilty because in some way she wanted it. I would TELL your friend to tell that man's wife, regardless of the wife's feelings. That's the best way in the long run. Not telling might at first keep some semblance of peace between the women, but more problems will fester and creep up sooner or later. tell

This is a sticky and uncomfortable situation. I can see two potential reasons for this, 1. The guy is unhappy in the marriage and wants his wife to find out from someone else, rather than confront her directly. Typically, if the guy has any brains and wants to cheat he'll find someone his wife doesn't know, or 2. He's just a jerk and a bad marriage is making it worse. Regardless of what his issues are, I think your friend should tell her husband prior to telling the wife. Although there will be discomfort, she should look out for herself and her marriage first. If the husband wants to say something to the other couple, then that's his perogative. After she tells her husband, they should discuss what the next steps are. If she wants to keep her friendship with the wife and let her know the situation she should do it delicately. She could ask her friend if her husband has a habit of being lewd or she could tell her in a nice and delicate manner that he makes her uncomfortable by the things he says to her and if she wouldn't mind asking him to stop. This way she gets the message across without throwing accusations. She should be prepared that she can lose a friend, although for a good reason.

Wow - this one is a hard one. It doesn't matter what your friend does the other lady is going to get hurt. It will be now or it will be later. I know my hubby hits on girls - I've just learned to deal with that fact, but at the sametime I know it won't go any farther then the hitting on. The only thing I can say is at this point I don't think there is an easy answer to your question & your friend is going to have to choose which way she wants to "hurt" the lady. By telling her or by hidding it from her... either way I don't think it will turn out very well. Sorry!