In-laws Arriving Unannounced

My advice is very simple. You just need to tell them, and be honest about it. Let them know that it doesn't work for you when they do that, and that planning ahead would make the situation much more enjoyable for everyone. Family or not, that is an invasion in my opinion. Let them know that you don't want them to feel like you are rejecting them, but advance notice would be helpful-- let them know the exact reasons (schedule, etc...) Be honest!! And loving at the same time. Good luck!

I had that problem too, so I decided not to answer my door for any reason unless someone has called in advance. This works great for salesman, church people, and family. When the doorbell rings it doesn't even register anymore and everyone knows if they don't call they'll be sitting on the front step. It's kind of a joke with our family now, but I rarely have unannounced guests.

First off I would like to say that I am a "take it all in stride" kinda gal. My husband has more of a problem with his parents showing up to a dirty house then I do. If they show up and my house looks, well normal with 4 kids, and they say something...I just respond, with well this is life, welcome to it. I sit and enjoy the visit, hand them the sheets to the guest bed and figure if they wanted it prepared, then they would have given notice. Our big problem came this past year with our #4 baby. He has had numerous surgeries and RSV at 3 days from the NICU. We keep him away from most family functions...especially when someone shows up sick. His family didn't believe us that we would not put him in a setting with other sick people. At one function we drove the hour to the party, with the promise that everybody had been called and no one was sick, only to find out that one sister's kids were all fighting colds. I sat in the car with my baby the entire time, while my husband let them know that because they didn't do their part, I was not joining the fun. The kids stayed outside until they got cold (it was April) and then we went home. Since then we have made sure no one was sick, but his mother became very mindful of not making us drive up for the party only to not come inside and enjoy ourselves. So she now calls ahead to let us know if someone shows up with even a slight cough.

Take it easy, enjoy yourself, I wouldn't cancel anything, just include them or leave them. Take the opportunity to go out to eat. They didn't come to see your house (even though it can hurt the ego if it is a mess) they came to see you.

I also feel like an outsider, I am the only female-in-law. And I don't keep the most clean of houses, and they do say things to my husband to lead me to believe that their opinion of me is not the highest, but I have also learned to stand up to my in-laws concerning my kids. There has been more than once that she wants to take one of my kids shopping. She will give me a specific time that she will pick them up..and two hours later, she calls telling me she is on her way. I kindly let her know that it is time for me to go home (or for them to do something else planned) and we will have to get together another time. She is much more on time now!

Sorry if I'm rambling, but you either have to take it all in stride or stand up and say something. Good luck

I think rather than having him come to understand your feelings about not wanting his family around you need to reevaluate the whole issue. Family is family, and although they may not be the best all the time, they're still important. If you feel like an outsider, do things to help you feel included--which may be spending more time with them when they come over unannounced. If you don't like them expecting you to break your plans, then just decide not to. THey'll the the hint eventually that you like more planning. Only you can decide how you feel, so figure out what is MOSt important and then take steps toward that.

Hi C., As I was reading your dilema, It made me remember sometthing that happened when my husband and I hadn't been married for very long. My parents were always just stopping by unannounced. It really bothered my husband. He told me that if they didn't stop, he was one day going to open the door naked and ask them to come back because they interrupted something. :-) Upon hearing this, I immediately went to my Dad (which was really the person behind the unannounced visits) and just talked to him about it. I told him that I really loved when he came to visit, but that sometimes it was not always the best time. It isn't an easy subject to bring up, but ... I'm a little confused as to whose parents are doing the unannounced visits, but if it is his parents. He should talk to them. If it is yours, you should..

C.,

I would recommend telling your husband your feelings in very simple way that is easy to understand and tell him what you would like for him to do. "I feel XXX when your family shows up with out any notice. I like to spend time with them, but I feel distracted because the house is a mess and it is difficult for me to drop everything to be fully present with them. Would you please ask them to give us a call a day or two ahead of time so I can make sure our home is ready to accept them?" I would recommend coming about it in a non-defensive manner and just try to show him that you are not objecting to the visits, but would like a little bit of consideration. I personally believe what the Bible says about leaving your Father and Mother and being united with your spouse- he *should* put your feelings first and respect your desires, everyone can be happy here, his family just need to be reminded of courtesy and respect. I hope you find a solution and can resolve these feeling of "being an outsider"- I have a similar relationship with my husbands family, so I can understand and appreciate your position.
Good Luck!
H.

ok, thank god i don't have this problem! but i do have issues with my in laws like any other wife. first, always respect yourself above all others, this includes the hubby. like yours, my hubby, likes to spend time with his family. but as you said, we make plans, and having to rearrange everything because they show up is, lets face it, a pain in the rear. and like you siad, incredibly rude. short of a family emergency the in laws, all family, should call first. talk to them a day or two before they leave, so as not to ruin the visit, and let them know how much you love having them to visit. but that you'd appreciate a call so you can plan to have the rooms all set up, rather than having them do it, and also so you can make it to the grocery store and plan out nice meals for their stay. tell them you'd really like to make their stay enjoyable.
secondly. tell your hubby that you do really enjoy his family and enjoy spending time with them, but that you really value the time you get to spend with him too. and your home is the place you've built together, to be comfortable in, your sanctuary so to speak. and that when family, (just family, not your family, his family, my in laws, etc)show up unexpectedly, it feels like your space has been violated. because you didn't get a chance to make it welcoming for the family. let me know if this helps.
A.

My in-laws did that the week my son was born. I was obviously VERY pregnant, had two other young children, and was still working part time as a high school teacher. I was ready to SCREAM! I don't have any great advice, except that I would make sure (as best as your marriage can handle it), that no plans get changed, that food is an obvious struggle, and that children will follow regular routines. My in-laws thought it was geat, I was mortified: the house was a disaster, their sleep accomodations were buried under toys and left over pizza not what I would plan to serve company! I told my in-laws that I love seeing them, but 24 hours notice would be greatly appreciated as it makes the visit better for everyone. I even told them that if they wanted it to be a surprise, that I would quietly prepare and not tell my husband. They accepted this really well and things seem to be better. Good luck....bad thing is that you can't choose your relatives! :)

Oh boy. In-law issues are tough.
The hard truth is that it is up to your husband to assert some boundaries with his family. He could tell them that he loves it when they visit - it would just be very helpful to have some notice so that you don't plan anything else that conflicts, etc. He will probably tell you that is not how his family talks, or something to that effect, and you two may have to weather a storm of hurt feelings if he does say something, but nothing will change until you do, and it will just get harder when you have a child, too. My guess is that after the initial shock, they will adjust, especially when not doing so means not getting to see your new child.

Good luck!

A few years ago I read a great book that discussed mentioning things to your husband effectively without an arguement. I think the book was called "If Only She Knew". The men's book might have been "IF Only He Knew", but they're both by the same authors, so if you find one, you should be able to find the other. It was an easy read. I've used several of the things in the book on many occasions, and it has greatly reduced tensions and arguments. You might find something in there that strikes you as really describing your husband. I do hope you can resolve this!

Your husband is not willing to stand up to his family's boorish behavior, which leaves the onus on you. Tell him that you are planning to phone each of the families and tell them that you enjoy their visits, but you need to know ahead of time when they are coming. Tell him that they are all going to be angry at you, and that you would prefer that he would get involved with this conversation. (Backbone!) Then, follow through. Keep in mind that they are very willing to have you rearrange your life for them, and any friction you cause in return -- a polite request! -- is nothing compared to what they have been doing to you.

Be prepared for them to ignore your request and show up anyway. Be prepared to have a very embarassing moment in which you tell them that you're free 'til 1:40 PM, but then you've got soccer practice, grocery shopping and tickets to the theatre. They'll finally get the point after they are escorted out the door, when you lock the house and drive away.

Would love to hear the outcome! So sorry that you're being forced to deal with this. Hope they're at least enjoyable people!

(By the way, with a newly adopted child, you can't allow parades of strangers in the first few months, anyway.)

Realizing that I am a lady who believes in being a submissive wife (that does NOT mean being a doormat, btw), and I whole-heartedly believe the husband is the head of the household and family, here's my opinion(s).

1) Tell them, along with your husband, point blank. Seriously, do you think they would take kindly to your showing up unannounced all the time? Maybe, but probably not.

2) Sit your husband down and talk to him, just him. Tell him, again point blank, that this is very difficult on you. It's not that you don't want them around, but they need to let you know when they are coming...at least a day in advance would be nice. If for no other reason to be sure plans don't need to be changed and the house can be picked up a bit (I totally understand this one!)

3) When they show up and you have plans, just say "Oh, hi! Nice to see you. Okay, I've gotta' leave. Have a great day!" Go do your plans, even if it means leaving your husband at home with his family!

These are bold moves, but sometimes it's the bold stuff that makes others take notice that their behavior is unacceptable. Not being nasty with it, just point blank that it puts you in a bind and is rude on their part.

I wish you luck!!

I have been married almost 5 years this may and we adopted 2 girls 3 years ago. I cant help you with your question because my husband eliminated his family years ago for making me feel alienated. I just wanted to know where you are adopting from?

Regards,
K.

Family or not, it is rude for them to arrive and expect you to put them up and clear your schedule. But you already know this.
First, talk to your husband and let him know how you feel. Remind him that you look forward to plans and feel very disappointed when they are suddenly cancelled. Let him know that you also need warning to get the house guest ready. Tell him exactly what you wrote -- that you feel like an outsider, you want a good relationship with his family and you NEED his help and support in order to achieve this.
Then, with him on board, when they show up, act excited to see them and ask them where they are staying because you want to be able to get together with them while they are in (hopefully they get the hint, if not you may need to be more direct) Good Luck!

I am so sorry to hear about this. I thought I was the only one that this happens to! My in-laws went a step further and made copies of our house keys!!!! And the worse part was they didn't even ask or tell us until weeks later when they decided to just show up one weekend. My husband sounds a lot like yours, "they are my parents, I can't tell them to not come over...bla bla bla..."
I do not have any advice as I am trying to seek some myself for this exact same reason! But I did want to let you know that you are not alone and wish you nothing but good things for you and your family. Hang in there!

Hi Kristy, it will helpful for you to know that this is a boundary issue. The bottom line is that you have to show your husband that the decisions in your life together have to be agreed upon together. Your relationship can't be one-sided. If you are letting him control your environment and life together watch out for what's coming when an adopted child shows up. If you want a free session with a life coach to help with this I'll give you an hour on the phone (NO hidden agenda). OK? OK! 720-564-993 www.tag-youre-it.com
J.

Maybe you could send them a thank you note after a visit,or a past visit, and in it politely word that it would be great next time to tell you ahead of time as possible because you want to make their visits as great as possible and you could do such a better job if you knew in advance. That way you are letting them know that you love having them, but at the same time softly let them know to let you know so their time can be more adventurously and fun.

My best advice is to sit down with him and tell him how hard it is for you. Then try to compromise, like they can do this as long as we stick to our plans, or kindly let them know that it is better for them to call ahead of time so they can have a more pleasant stay.

My mother-in-law has always asked her son to call and let her know when he was coming. My parents haven't seemed to care. They say we're welcome any time. It's just a matter of preference, but if this bothers you (it would bother me too) you need to let your relatives know now so this won't continue happening. Just tell them you love to have them visit,(if that's the case) but you would like a little notice beforehand to make sure you are home and don't have other things planned for that time. It seems to me only polite. If you cannot get ant response ask your husband to talk to his parents. It shouldn't be a touchy situation, but I think it is. People feel rejected if they are not welcomed. Good luck P.

Share your feelings with your Mother-In-Law make sure you let her know that you enjoy their visiting but you would like to make plans to spend with them.....Make it about her. No one knows that something upsets you unless you let them know. I hope that this helps.

B. M

Hi,
I used to have this problem so I can relate. We have since moved 1,500 miles away from my in-laws so that fixed that! But when it was going on, I simply told my husband, who also didn't want to hurt any feelings, that is was his responsiblility to handle the situation and to let them know that we would appreciate a "heads up" if they are planning on visiting. If he chose not to handle it, then I would, and then no one would be happy! He chose the first option, and simply told them that they were welcome to visit as long as it was arranged first. They took the news pretty well....it was a little awkward at first but they got over it. I think that if you don't go ahead and deal with this situation, it will only continue to be a thorn in your side and each time this happens you will be more frustrated. Your in-laws may be a bit clueless to the manners bit, but they will be able to sense your annoyance and that will make your feelings of alienation a bit worse. Good luck.

Hello C.,
My husbands family was like that too. This went on for a few months. I kept telling my husband to talk to them but he would not. So I mustered up the courage and told them how I felt. Yes they were up set but I kept telling them that with a new member in our family we dont always have the thime to have you just show up. After I told them how I felt we had a rough couple of months. But I stood by what I said and now we get a call a few days in advanced. I know this is probley not the best advice but me speaking my mind really helped our problems with them. So I say just try and tell them how you feel..
M.

Dear C.,

I would tell my husband how you feel, and tell him that on the next unannounced visit, that you will keep your plan to go out, and he can visit. I know exactly how you feel about te house being in order when company comes. Husbands don't always take into consideration the condition of their surroundings as we do. My hubby has never complained that the house is messy when I tell him that I don't want company until its clean. He thinks a home is to look lived in.

Hope things get better.

~C.~

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this! How unbelievably rude. You must put a stop to it now. Your husband simply must confront his family and let them know that you would love to see them but they MUST call ahead of time and make sure that you are available to have guests. He is being REALLY wimpy. If he won't do this, I suggest couples therapy to work on his issues with why he still acts like a child with his family even though he is a husband and father himself. If worse comes to worse, you need to take the bull by the horns. When they show up unannounced say "Oh, I'm so glad to see you but it isn't convenient for us to have overnight visitors this week. There's a great motel down the road. We'd love to meet you for dinner later." Yes, it will be hard, but this is your sanity we're talking about here!