In-law Issue

Why don't you invite just the MIL and FIL on a trip with your family...no one else? Just a long weekend thing, so the others wouldn't feel slighted.

The more opportunities you have with your MIL and FIL the more chances they will have to get to know your daughter. I say give it another chance. Don't dwell on who is getting more attention--just enjoy any attention at all, you never know when that attention may be gone forever.

Hi A.,
Our family had the same problem. Well our kids were the same age as the son's who lived closer. My BIL and SIL would walk in my inlaw's house and just do nothing for their own kids and grandma had to take care of everything they needed. So my kids would come home from holidays at grandma's and say "how come grandma doesn't play with us anymore?" So we had a conversation with our inlaws and told them how disappointed our kids were at family gatherings and mentioned that we thought the BIL and SIL should care for their own kids needs so everyone had time to spend with grandma and grandpa. In our case the BIL and SIL were just being lazy and grandma took over by default so grandma told them what was happening and now they care for their own kids when we are all together and things are great now. I can't tell you how great our relationship has been since we talked about the issue.

On vacation create times for your child and MIL and FIL or just be honest and tell them how you are feeling, so that they can make more of an effort to spend time with your child. If your SIL has four children 5 and under, they are probably just trying to help her out and not make vacation too much of a challenge for her.....four under six is a lot of work. Having two children is more than double the work, so having four children is probably more than quadupule the work. Maybe you could offer to help out with your SIL's children once in a while and have your MIL and FIL take your child for some quality time. Cutting ties will just make you look snotty and childish.

Hi Ann,
I can see your concern. I am a MIL, and I had that same problem b/c I live in town with 5 grandchildren, and when the others come to town, b/c the relationship isn't as "close", already, it is overwhelming to say the most!(not connected) It will take you and your husband verbally adressing MIL and FIL re: how you are feeling about it. It certainly is a legitimate request. I have to make a conscious effort to make my other grandchildren feel close to me. It does not come natural, it has to be whole hearted effort! Kids know when closeness is not there. Give your MIL & FIL a chance to change this situation. I'm sure that they are so wrapped up with the others,(from habit), they can't see the forest for the trees! On the other hand your SIL, sounds a little bit spoiled, and posessive. If all else fails, organize a time for your inlaws and your family to have a separate time to visit together.... I bet your MIL & FIL would welcome the get-away time and opportunity to get to spend quality time with your daughter, uninterrupted!(bonding) I feel they are being taken advantaged of.They need a break too! Best wishes with this situation..you sound like a fair team player. Good job!
Grand parenting is wonderful, special experience, we have a lot to give this new generation, if only we take the time to make it happen! Thanks for letting me share.J. F.

In one aspect it is good to see I am not the only one with in law issues. (((((hugs))))) The one thing in your post that keeps going through my mind is if it was a vacation with whole set of in laws, why are they still taking care of the the sisters kids? I mean, it is a vacation, the sister is there. MIL and FIL should have been able to "share" their attention with your family also in my opinion. My in law experience is a little different. I have two sets. DH has a sister with 1 child, older now and we have 4 ages 14, 11, 9 and 8. When my oldest was born his father and step mom did NOT see or make any effort to see my son more then 2 times in his first 3 YEARS. His mom on the other hand told my mom she wished she could have a "closer" relationship with me. I tried. I got ignored. My children don't compare to the sisters. Favortism is obvious, to this day. His mom did not even come or call to two of my kids once in a lifetime milestones this year. (Graduation, Communion and Confirmation). DH and I decided they will form their own opinions without our help. For a while, dh would want to visit his dad and have "bonding time". Sister and child would always end up there. DH told his dad, he would like to spend some alone time and now finally we get it. Good luck. In laws are hard. People are different. Unfortunately, things sometimes don't change. In your case, I think if you and your dh tell the mil and fil you want to spend some quality time alone with them an them alone, your situation can get better. Tell them that you enjoy the entire family vacations, but would like to spend some time just with them so your child can bond. My daughter, about a year ago, was told that grandma "so and so" was coming to see her and she was excited and then paused and asked who is grandma "so and so"? It was sad to realize they have no clue. Good luck. I hope things get better.

I do understand what you are going thru. However, some parents feels that it is the grandparents responsiblity to care for the grandchildren while they do whatever it is they want to do. Even the your MIL and FIL do not feel like they are being taken advantage of but they are and your SIL need to be more mindful to that. Your SIL forgot that her parents do have a life and they raise their children. Have you and your husband spoke with his parents yet about this? If not, you need to do so, let them know how you guys feel. Talking with the SIL would not be bad either. In my case I did talk with my brother and his wife about how they were taking advantage of my parents and that they have a life and that need to respect some of the things they would like to do or want to do. Be mindful of others and that your children are not the only grandchildren. Your SIL see her parents all the time and you need to really let her know how you feel. Still do the family vacations because that is the only time they will see your child. Talk it out with them before eliminating one of the few chances they see you guys. Hope this help.

Yep, I agree. Just talk it out. Your feelings are hurt and it's ok. You're allowed to feel that way.

I agree with many of what was said here - great ideas. However, best laid plans don't always materialize, so I am going to draw the more realistic line here.

I wish I could tell you it will change, but chances are not. This is sooooo common, I have lots of fellow mom friends who have similar issues with their MIL/FIL (myself included). And half of my friends who don't have this MIL/FIL issue, have just the opposite - smoothering... one friend's MIL actually taught her son to call her mommy! Don't ask! So, laugh knowing which 1/3 you fall into. Sometimes acceptance is the key - as many have said the kids figure it out when they get older and it is the grandparents loss.

You should try to have a solo visit with them on your turf - no SILs and their family so that there is time to bond without distractions - perhaps just a long weekend at first. See what your husband can do... mom/dad I'd really like you to spend some time bonding with our child type of thing and tell his sister this as well hopefully she'll understand, so that she can live without them for a few days. Just honestly, don't expect too much. It seems the daughter/one who lives in the same city/one who had the first grandchild will garner the most attention and unfortunately you don't have any of those going for you. Look to your family and friends to help fill the gap.

Then when you feel ready and only then you can do the extended family vacations, but continue the solo visits.

Good luck and try to find some humor in things where you can - your child will be fine... it is you/your DH that needs to come to terms with it.

Next year why don't you offer them a relaxing and peaceful vacation at your house where you can spoil the heck out of them. I'm sure your FIl and MIL would love that. I mean, I'm sure you want to see your SIL's and neices and nephews but they will just have to understand that you can't go where they live EVERY time just because they have kids. And, seems to me like your FIL and MIL may not want to tell your SIL that they need a break. So....offer it to them. Tell them that you'd be glad to have them next summer. After all, everyone's pocket book can use a break and you'd probably be saving by staying home and bringing them in instead. Hope it all works out!

Also....as far as MARY F is concerned....I also think she is wrong for saying you're whining. Obviously, she really doesn't care if her in-laws really don't spend as much time with her as her brother's family.....but you care about your in-law issue. And you NEVER whined as in saying that you're jealous or threw a fit about their lack of time spent. Your only concern was if you should make a trip back because you didn't have the time to visit with the people that you were intending to. Sometimes people just need to keep their mouths shut. Good luck A.!!!
JJ

It is good for your child to have some contact with cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents. Being in a different town from most of our relatives, we tried to have this contact once a year and have pictures of the grandparents on the wall and make things and take family pictures to share with grandparents etc. At elementary school there were family tree homework assignments.
You might ask way ahead of time if MIL/FIL can plan to have one major holiday visit at your house so that your family can enjoy them and they can enjoy granddaughter?

Your email doesn't explain if your daughter is enjoying more contact from her other set of grandparents?

We used to have Christmas with my parents and one short vacation with my husband's extended family and we were blessed to have loving aunts and uncles...sometimes the relatives without children can be a joy to share your child with...We shared other holidays with family friends who came to have title of honorary aunts and uncles in our household.

There are many ways to build time with people who nurture your family.

Right now my parents spend much more time with my sister's daughter and I am glad that they can be active in her life as she was late to adopt a child.

I have three older children so I can understand that someone with four children could be totally swamped and not be savvy to sharing the grandparents.

I would keep periodically extending invitations that give your daughter opportunity to have contact with MIL and FIL and keep sending them pictures and notes about your daughters accomplishments.

Yes I understand that you would like more attention from them and that your daughter would like to have their love and attention also.

Family visits are difficult and I'm sure it hurt to see your daughter ignored. Perhaps your in-laws do not have a comfort level with your daughter yet. Is it right? No. However, please be careful when deciding to break off from family. We lost our daughter at 28 to a brain tumor. Long story short, things happened and the courts placed our grandson in our care. My son, and I think especially his wife, never accepted all that happened. My son walked out on us almost 4 years ago. They have had a child and we have not been allowed to meet her. She is 3. She is our granddaughter and we will never know the job of welcoming her into this world. It breaks our hearts that we have lost a daughter to Cancer and now our son. He has never explained why he will not see us or talk to us. Won't even talk to his sister. His wife has never made an attempt to at least send pictures of our granchild. My nephew just visited from out of state and he brought pictures they sent to him so we could see her. There was no fight, no words, no goodbyes. If I could fix it, I would. He won't even talk to us, blocked us from his email. So, my advise to you is don't walk away from your family. I don't know you or your in-laws but it's not easy to rectify the relationship once you break off. Your daughter is very young. As she grows, she will break the ice with her cousins. Kids have a way of doing that and then adults usually follow. Good luck.

This may not be a conversation with the MIL and FIL, but one for the SIL. I had a similar issue with my sister and her dependence on my mom. I had to remind her that she is the mom and it was time for her to grown up and be responsible. It is okay to ask for help, but not to expect it. I felt as if she was taking advantage of my mom and others. The other thing may just be to nicely bring it to the attention of the MIL by saying how much your child loves them, but really doesn't get time with them because they are busy with other grandchildren. Let her know nicely that it hurts you because you want your daughter to be able to enjoy and love them too. They may not even realize what is truly going on. It did work out for me, I talked with both my sister and my mom and things are good. A conversation I love is what it took!

Although perhaps a very obvious question, have you discussed this with your MIL and FIL in such a way that does not put them on the defensive but rather puts them on the pedestal they perhaps would love to be put on? "Our daughter would love to spend quality time with you, she loves to be with you" etc. Maybe they do not even realize this and it will make them think about the time they are sharing with their grandchildren and the impact it has on everyone. It is their choice so I'm not sure it makes since to bring it up to your sister unless she starts to show resentment. Also, do you allow your MIL and FIL to be with your daughter on their own or are one of you always in the picture? Let them bond.

It hurts when the grandparents are partial to one set of grand kids to another. I would not decline time to spend with family. As her children get older she will not need as much assistance and they will have more time to devote to all the grand kids. Also the kids need to get to know one another. My husbands parents take us and his two sisters and their families on vacation every other year and it is great. The kids are older and they hang out and play and really enjoy their time together and can't wait to see one another. Having four kids under 5 is a lot of work. I have four but they are very spread out (my oldest is 13 and my youngest 3). So the older ones help out a lot and it makes it easier on me. But with all of them under five, she isn't get much help. Try to tolerate it and I know eventually good will come from it.

I am curious if this happened once or does this happen all the time. Regardless, talk to them (or have your husband talk to them). See what they say. They might not even realize their daughters have monopolized their time.

My MIL & FIL never offer to spend time with us, let alone our kids and they live 45 minutes away. My MIL and FIL are at my husband's sister's house 3 times a week. Either for watching the kids or for dinner. My kids have noticed. They ask why their grandparents see their cousins all the time and never them. I just say they don't like driving (not true, but better than the truth).

We do the best we can by extending the invites and trying to keep MIL & FIL involved in our girls' lives, but they just don't seem interested. MIL has told me, "I've raised MY children." Cheezits, woman, I didn't ask you to raise them! I only asked if you'd like to spend time with them! And she's said, "Why don't the girls ever talk to me?" Hmmm...maybe because they don't know you, which is your fault. <sigh>

My brother used to complain about our mother and how she favored my kids. Before my mom died, she told me why. She said it was easier to come into my house than it was to go into her DIL's house. She didn't ever feel comfortable there. I guess my mom never wanted to step on her DIL's toes and do something "wrong or offend."

That's probably not the case with your in laws.

A.- I feel your pain. My inlaws live across the street from my sister in law downstate. We go once a month to see my parents and my inlaws. we stay with my inlaws since they have the space. My MIL watches my sister in law two children every weekend as well as all summer long-ages 5 and 3.5. When we go my MIL is more worried about my two children (ages 1.5 and 3) spending time with their cousins than with her. We asked them to watch our children once night when we were there, thinking it would give our kids a chance to spend some 1 on 1 time with their grandparents. When we got back after 2 hours, my niece and nephew were over and my oldest said "grandma said we could make cookies, but Belle(cousin) didn't want to so now we are not). It is everything my niece and nephew want- and it hurts me to see that my kids are not getting to know their grandparents (MIL & FIL) like they should. Sooner rather than later, my kids will have a choice to go visit grandma & grandpa by themselves for a weekend or week in the summer and they are not going to want to since they don't know them as well. It is sad. My husband and I have decided next time, we will tell my MIL and FIL to watch the kids by themselves so my kids can get a chance for some one on one time and build some memories. I think you should tell them how you feel and invite them ONLY to your house. I feel your pain-hang it there and think of what is best for your family.

Bring it up to the MIL that you would like it if your daughter could see them more. If you bring it up as a favor rather than a complaint, then she might be more inclined to listen. If you don't at least try to talk to her, you aren't really giving them a chance to change. If it still doesn't work after that, them just don't bother yourself with the thoughts. I have a similiar issue, but it's my sister and I am the one with more kids to her one. My sister is in comstant demand of my parents, theat they don't have time for my kids or a life of their own. It is very agrivating, but I have come to realize the only person it bothers is me. So, I just avoid them when possible. Good luck!

I do NOT think you are whining ..This is a total valid problen not sibling rivalry by any means. I have the same issue.bMy husband had a talk with his parents and they said they didnt know they were acting that way..They dont do it anymore. Things are MUCH better now that he talked to them about it..Maybe your husband could do the same? Good Luck to you...

I wonder what kind of relationship your husband has with his parents. My sister's husband was at war when her kids were born and my parents were helping her raise her children, whenever we would go and visit my parents were so busy with her children that they didn't have time to visit with us. Eventually we informed them that things either changed or we would go home early and wouldn't pay the money to come and visit again. Since then I think my parents realized how much time they were spending with my sisters children and they have gotten much better at telling her no and spreading their time out with everyone. I would be upfront with your in-laws and let them know that you don't intend to go again next year, and explain to them what happened during your recent trip that you didn't like.

If I were you I would not be considering eliminating an opportunity to spend time with family and for your daughter to spend time with her cousins. As your daughter grows older she will probably enjoy spending time with them. Since your in-laws care for the other children on a regular basis it is only natural for them to help out with them (i.e. they are helping to raise them, literally). Since there are so many kids 5 yrs and under that requires LOTS of time and attention and a 1 yr old (I would think) might enjoy watching all the commotion. You did not mention whether the other kids were playing with your daughter. Was it just your MIL and FIL not paying enough attention to her or was it everyone?

You could try speaking with your MIL and FIL about the situation before you cut them off. They may not have even noticed your hurt feelings because they were so BUSY taking care of the kids. If it were me and there was someone with 4 kids and someone else with 1, then I would be helping out the one with 4 kids because they need more help. Also, does your daughter have stranger anxiety? Would she let them hold her, etc.? I know my mom always let my kids warm up to her on their own time and did not want to force herself on them.

It sounds like you want your MIL and FIL to be a bigger part of your daughter's life. Exploring ways to see them more might be a better option than pushing them away. Maybe they would enjoy a long weekend visit or something that might work well with THEIR schedule?

Hang in there and keep trying with the relationship. Your in laws probably are looking at need and responding how they think is appropriete. As a mom of 3 under the age of 4, I can honestly say it is the hardest thing I've ever done. Your in laws probably think your doing just fine and they are more needed to take care of the other kids.

I would recommend talking with them and expressing you concerns. Something like... we realize you are such a blessing to SIL, and we are glad you are. We really want our little one to have a strong relationship with you too. Could we have you for a visit, with just us. Or could we spend and extra weekend with you on the vacation next year. It's just so busy with everyone there, that we'd like a little time just with you.

Maybe you could work it so your inlaws have one weekend alone on vacation with each of you and during the week everyone is together. I encourage you to keep trying the vacations. As you dear little one gets older there will be relationship with the cousins, aunts and grandparents. Don't give up!

I don't think you're whining at all. Your concerns are valid and can only be dealt with by talking to your in-laws. I agree with the previous poster in offer tickets to come visit you and your family WITHOUT the other SIL's.

I think you have to look at the whole picture. Your daughter will sooner or later realize which grandchildren are getting the preferred treatment. I know my son did. My mother would watch my sisters daughters all the time but not my son or my older sisters son. It was OK with me but now I see that my son (age 17) does not want to spend time at G&G house like I wish he would. But it comes back to the fact that he feels Grandma prefers her granddaughters over her grandsons. He feels he can not change how she feels. My mother says that is not true but I can see it.
If I was in your place I would just give up the family vacations or try to plan a vacation where it was just you 3 and MIL and FIL for a long weekend. It really is your call.

S.

A.

Family vacations are a wonderful opportunity for cousins to meet,play get to know each other and develop lifelong bonds of kinship (friends that happen to be family.) At the same time aunties and uncles as well as MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL and all the rest of the family get to hang out and share the love. It's never been a great time for one-to-one bonding just because there are too many people.

Does your husband look forward to this fun-filled week on vacation with his family? Are they genuinely warm and inviting when you're with them? If your answer is yes to both of these questions you might consider joining your husbands family on the annual vacation. As your child gets older and communicates better the bond between them will grow closer and become something uniquely special.

You misht also think about planning a special one-to-one Grands and Me weekend at your house and invite the GPs. Of course this is only if you (and you husband)enjoy spending time alone with you MIL and FIL. Be sure to include in the plan that on Saturday after 3pm or so you and your husband will disapear for the rest of the evening. Remember to plan a weekend for your parents also.

Be Blessed OG

A.,
It sounds like your trip overall, went well. However, I have found that sometimes talking about the issues to your spouse and them helps. Being together with family is about love and quality time, sometimes people lose focus. Maybe ask them if the child who really had no one to be with could spend time with them for a day. Because I grew up not knowing alot of my family, I'm clueless about many things. But just try to keep communication lines open, be understanding, be loving and voice major concerns. Especially, if you don't see them that often. The more children are around love and family they have better chances of staying away from negative influences. It will work out!

D.

My in laws are the same way. What I've learned is if it's stressful for you and your husband, just shy away from any future vacations that involve ALL of the in-laws. Not to be mean, but honestly, if things continue, your daughter is going to see that the inlaws "favor" the other grandchildren - be it b/c they spend more time with them or whatever. I agree, send them plane tickets and have them come to visit you and your family that way they can devote all of their time to your precious little one. Hope this helps.

Number one, I have read the other posts and I would never tell another adult to quit whining. I think we post on here because we want some genuine opinions and help. But for someone to tell you to quit whining is completely judgmental in my book and has no place here.

Anyhow, I also agree with the other posters who said you need to talk to your in-laws. Or have your husband do it. The same sort of thing has happened to me, and I think they probably don't even realize it. They are comfortable with those kids and have them every day and it's just natural probably. But have a conversation. Your feelings are valid.

Hi A., I totally understand your plight... I've experience IL drama 1st hand. Please don't be offend, but I think that since this seems to have happened once I would not rush to over-react. Going on a vacation again might be the decision maker to back-up your concerns. One time ... can be chalked up to them saying it didn't happen or seem that way to them, but if you have consistent proof of evidence... that would bode better for you. Hopefully this won't be the case...but give it a 2nd go.. Maybe even make preparations and invite them over for an exclusive weekend at your place. Also while on vacation... both you and your husband interact with your neices and nephews to "secretly" give your MIL & FIL that time with your daughter.

I know the children are all equally loved and it will work out!

Good luck--

Mrs. Maul

I can relate because my in laws watch our BIL's kids every week because SIL works part time. They rarely come to visit and never offer to watch our kids.If you don't feel like going next year maybe you could take a separate vacation and send the in laws plane tickets to come and visit you at a later date.Then they would be able to focus on the three of you.Good Luck!

A....Iam 32 now and when I was growing up my grandparents lived closer to my aunt and basically raised my aunts 2 boys because she was always working or partying or whatever. Then as they got into their teenage years they just wanted to live with my grandparents. So basically because my grandparents basically raised them from tots on we didnt receive extra time with them because they had to take care of them when we visited.(they lived 6hrs away) But my parents always took us and when we where in grade school we always stayed with our grandparents for 2 weeks during the summer,to give us sometime with them. And even though we knew my cousins lived there and such we still loved that little time we got. So yes still go on that vacation because your children will love that time with your inlaws and thier cousins and it makes memories....Sorry so long..

Goodness, can I relate! My husband's brother is married to a woman who demands most of my in-laws attention as well. They have 2 children (we have 1), however her oldest was very difficult to conceive. Ultimately, they resorted to IVF and were luckily successful - but you would have thought she gave birth to the Golden Child! It was like everyone was expected to genuflect when they visited him in the hospital. He was born about 14 months before our daughter, so during that time she laid all the groundwork for the grandparents to devote their time to him. About 4 months into my pregnancy, my SIL got pregnant again, this time naturally. Well of course, that had to be a miracle! So once again, everyone had to focus on her. She made sure of it, and this somewhat overshadowed my pregnancy.

The issues we had revolved primarily around my MIL. My MIL and FIL are divorced - FIL is remarried and lives out of state, so they are primarily removed from the situation most of the time. But my BIL/SIL live about 10 minutes from my MIL (she is almost 2 hours from us), so it made it very easy for them to monopolize her time. To further complicate the issue, my MIL decided to buy a house in Florida, where she spends about half the year. So she was suddenly gone for the winter, and when she was here in the summer, she was spending the majority of her time with my BIL/SIL.

So the ultimate question - what to do? Basically, it boils down to communication - it's that simple. We got to a point where we couldn't help but be a little hurt by my MIL's actions and seeming lack of attention to our daughter, so my husband had a conversation with her about it. Turns out she had no idea we felt that way! See, my BIL/SIL are the kind of people who like to be the center of attention - my husband and I are not that way. So they were always asking my MIL for her attention - we were not, and my MIL had no idea we were even missing it. Once we talked to her about it, she actually told my BIL that she needed to cut down on some of her time with them because they didn't have the only grandchildren in the family anymore.

So where are we today, 2 years later? In a much better place, thankfully. My BIL/SIL are still the same - demanding plenty of attention. And for the most part, we let them have it, because we just don't need as much of it as they do. But we know that when we do want some of my MIL's attention, she will make us the priority. It's led to better relationships all the way around.

My advice to you at the end of this very long email is to talk to your in-laws. Chances are, they have no clue you guys feel this way. They are probably making the mistake a lot of people make, assuming that if you wanted the attention you would ask for it, when in reality, we don't want to have to ask - we just want it because we should have it. It sounds like your SIL is asking for it all the time, and that's why she's getting it. Talk to them and let them know you'd like a little too. They'll probably do whatever they can to make it happen.

Good luck with everything! And just keep in mind - you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family : )

I have 2 kids and then nieces and nephews on both sides of the family. From my experience, when the babies get a little older and start talking and doing more, the grandparents shift their focus to those kids more because they are more fun. My SIL was SUPER jealous of my son because he commanded a lot of my MIL's attention, but when her son finally got to be closer to 18 months he was doing a lot more fun things and now grandma can't keep her focus off of him. My FIL is just more comfortable playing w/the older kids than the babies and he has a lot of fun w/my 3 year old but didn't really spend as much time playing w/him when he was a year old. I would see if things change as your baby gets older, but it is never a good idea to burn bridges w/family. Just as siblings have to share things, grandchildren have to share their grandparents too....Sometimes as parents we feel like our child is getting different treatment than other kids because that is what we are focused on...perhaps your in-laws feel like they need to split attention between the kids because the older kids command their time more and care about it...a one year old isn't going to have their feelings hurt because grandma played w/someone else, but a 5 year old may not be used to sharing grandma with the baby.

Another thing to think about, if you are being offered this vacation w/family, this is a great opportunity for you and your husband to go out on a date while your in-laws watch your baby. Some one on one time can be so refreshing.