I'm Disappointed. Would You Be?

If you didnt ask him to stay, I think you cant really be that disappointed in him. I mean, it sucks, but men are, in my experience, pretty freaking oblivious, and if you didnt tell him you were tired and wanted him to stay home, he probably thought you were ok with it.

You said, " I was HOPING he would tell me he's not going". Did you come out and ask him to stay home in actual words? Yes he should have offered but you should have also asked for EXACTLY what you wanted.

I have found after 14 years if I don't say in exact detail what I want my spouse to do its my fault if its not done right. Hope the kids feel better fast but next time tell him if the kids are sick no one is going out for fun just work and needed things

Did you tell him---I NEED YOUR HELP?? If you didn't he most likely took that as his cue that you are giving him the ok to go out with his buddies. He views you as being more understanding to his situation since he sees them every 3 months. Unless you specifically ASK for what you need---you will never know if you will get it. Tell him you expected him to give you a break and help you and next time you need him to do so. So sorry you are dealing with all of this!!

M

I understand how you feel. You could have told him you are so tired you are barely holding on by a thread and you need him to take over for the weekend. But he would have told you to show the kids some movies and lay down, forget about the house etc. You wanted him to really care about your sacrifices on his own. You wanted him to think ahead and realize you may come down with this while he's gone. You wanted HIM to think about it on his own because of how much he loves you.

I'm sorry sweetie. Most men aren't that smart. They see us as more capable with this sort of thing. In fact, they don't see how or why it's even an issue because in their minds this is how we are cut out to be, caretakers etc.

I say, put your feet up today, order pizza, watch a LOT of tv, don't do any laundry and when he comes home to a mess tell him that you were not up to it and that he needs to help you catch up this week. :)

I think your slightly out of whack from sleep deprivation. Yes, even on a good day, anyone would be slightly annoyed. However, since the opportunity does only come a few times a year and it was scheduled way in advance, I see his point in wanting to go. It would different if this was a weekly or biweekly thing.

Also, keep in mind that he did acknowledge the fact that it was bad time and did give you a thank you.

See what happens tomorrow. Tell him you really need to sleep in.

You are justified in feeling whatever you feel. We don't usually get to choose the feelings that land on us. What we do get to choose is what to do about them.

You've had a couple of weeks of extraordinary circumstances, and your husband is carrying on as if everything's normal. That's not fair to you, AND, if you were not clear about wanting and needing him to stay home, he probably assumed the worst is over. Guys are not mind-readers, and hints don't even work that well. If you are beyond your capacity to cope, you need to tell him exactly what you want and need from him.

I'm so sorry to hear how beat and discouraged you are. I've been there, many times. But I was always playing the quiet hero, and just hoping or wishing my spouse would step up and do more. Didn't work.

It wouldn't hurt to talk to him about how strong your feelings are when he gets home. But you'll do well to keep it all about YOU, how tired YOU feel, how desperate YOU've been for some help, how you wish YOU had spoken up more clearly, and how surprised YOU are that he took off after your grueling week. If you start implying that he's thoughtless or selfish, lacking in regard or appreciation for you, etc., he is only going to get defensive, and won't hear you out.

Tomorrow you will be just too tired to do anything. Stay in bed and let him handle the kids. You are naturally tired and need a break.

You will feel better after a rest and he will be exhausted after a day with the kids and appreciate you.

To answer your question, yes, I would be disappointed too. But, "Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus", I'm sure you are familiar? Guys just don't get it they way we do, no matter how close you are to them, most of the time, you have to TELL them what you want, or you will be waiting around forever for them to just pick up on your wants and needs, their brains are wired different, they really are! So, did you tell him your needs, and then ask him to stay home?

Men just like children need to be trained. Does he do his share of housework.
Does he put the children to bed a couple of nights a week. Does he make coffee or breakfast for you and the children on weekends. Does he give you a morning to yourself and take the kids with him on an outing every week.
If not you are married to a selfish egotist and you'd better begin housebreaking him right away or your sons will turn out just like him.

I belonged to the "good wives club until I was 28" and then I insisted on family clean up nights, that he cook two evening meals per week and that I was not going to wake him up in the morning. He washed clothes etc. because each child under 3 years of age takes 96 hours of care a week.

If you didn't want him to go you should have spoken up long before he was walking out the door. Order in dinner for you and the kids and turn in early.

Have a long talk with your man in the next few days.

Blessings.....

I would be really annoyed and frustrated but if this were my husband I would have been expecting him to go with his friends. I also would have expected him to reciprocate if it were me going out with my college friends.

Actually, you did let him go. Did you ask him to stay home? Or, at least ask him to stay until all the kids are in bed. Men can't read our minds! We have to tell them what we want. Yes, we hope they'll figure it out, but if you didn't say anything to him, you should expect that he would go. Men work differently than women do. We are in tune with others and what they're feeling, but men need to be directly told what we want or need them to do.

I would be dissapointed, however you can not expect him to cancel his plans. I was where you are a few weeks ago and it sucks! Just tell him that once the kids are well you are taking a weekend to yourself.

Hell yeah I would be pissed. There is a certain expectation that when there are sick children the other helps out. But sometimes guys are just stupid in that area. One time I had a huge migraine where I couldn't see (spots in my vision) and if I moved it hurt. My ex was going to get me quiznos b/c I love quiznos and he says okay I'm going to leave the baby here (she was 5 months) I looked at him with a death look and was like how am I supposed to take care of the baby if I can't see!
Sometimes I wonder if some guys have a piece of their brain missing lol. However, you did let him go by not speaking up. You were waiting for him to act compassionately for you, but he didn't. At that point where he said he was going out still you should've said something. While you are not at fault for his lack of empathy, you "let" him go by being submissive.
Now that it's happened, you need to talk to him and tell him you feel he was wrong to go out and have a good time while you needed help and was so exhausted from taking care of the kids. Tell him that you thought that he would help you help the kids just as you helped him when he was sick.

Seeing that you were exposed to the bug all week, he can help out when you get sick :o)

I think we as women often want our partner to act a certain way because they are in tune with our feelings and we want them to want to be with us or know what we want. I bet he walked out that door thinking "my wife is it, she is so cool, she took care of me and the kids and then she was fine with me going out. Lucky me, I love her soooo much." Meanwhile, you're sitting at home disappointed. With men (sorry to generalize) we have to say what we mean and mean what we say. We have to spell it out. I find when I lay my needs/wants on the table, my husband is more than happy/willing to meet them. He just needs to know exactly what they are. I say, cut him a break this time, but be clear in what you need from now on. I second handing the reigns over to him tomorrow. Be clear that you need time to rest and rejuvinate(sp?), I bet he is more than happy to oblige.

If he had it planned for 3 months I kind of think he should have went. BUT....now YOU need to plan something for yourself this weekend instead of feeling sorry for yourself. Make plans to take all of this sat or sun OFF. I don't care what you do...call a friend, go lie by the pool or lake, peruse the mall, get a mani/pedi...whatever it is that you do to relax. INSIST that this happens. TELL him- do NOT ask him.

I would have been upset too....but in the future I would make sure to tell him how you feel, rather than hope he would read your mind....Tell him you need him to help. Men need you to absolutely be clear. They can never, ever seem to read between the lines. I know that's how my husband is. I need to be crystal clear, or I end up being the one disappointed!!

Well, it's been a tough week for you. He probably thought his thing only happens four time a year, so he didn't want to miss it. If i were you i'd let it settle for a couple of days, plan something relaxing for yourself away from the kids, and enlist his help to do it. You need a break, but try not to sweat it at the moment.

HMMM!! I am a very strong oppinionated person so my reaction to my own husband would of been Hahaha ahhhhhh lol your sooooo funny now get your A** back in this house and help me clean this mess up.

BUT since he is not my husband he is yours my thoughts are he obviously gave the stomach bug to your babies and you helped him when you could of told him to go sleep outside to make sure the kids didnt get sick. Instead you took care of him. He should of helped you. I think that is very inconciderate of him. You are def justified. When he gets back I say he gets the kids and you get in bed and get some rest you deserve it. !!

Tomorrow turn the reigns over to him...put ear plugs in and go to sleep...if that doesn't work - get a hotel room and got there...if mama gets sick the whole house will be messed up!!!

Sorry! I would've pitched a fit...I don't "allow" or "let" my husband go...but I would've said EXCUSE ME?! No FRICKING way - you WILL stay and help out cuz if I get sick, we're screwed. SOOO BELLY UP BABY!!!

Good luck!!!

All I can add is "Good job on getting him well enough to make his meeting with his buddies" :)
I'd chalk it up to turnabout is fair play, and go do something for yourself after you recover from being Nurse Betty all week... or tell him he owes you an expensive night out for dinner or somethin.

What a sweet guy you married! It must be great to be married to a man who thinks you are SuperWoman!

You did let him go. You never told him he couldn't go...so how was he supposed to know you didn't want him to? He's not a mind reader.

With that being said, I know how hard it is to speak up when you're sleep deprived. I also agree that he should have the common decency to have stayed and helped. But if you're giving off the air that you have it all together, then of course he's going to think it's ok.

Just have a talk with him and tell him what you expect in the future.

*hugs*

I don't blame you at all for feeling disappointed...but clearly he appreciates being able to go. When I'm in those situations where I'm the one taking it for the team, I milk it for everything it's worth. Being mad and holding a grudge does nothing but make everyone miserable. Instead, tomorrow, let him get up with the kids in the morning...or if he's hungover, you get up and then as soon as he's up, lay down for a nice long nap with the door locked. :) Order in your favorite dinner tomorrow night and relish in the fact that your husband thinks you're awesome. He appreciates it - otherwise he wouldn't have said anything.

You and he should discuss what kind of situation would be big enough in order for it to be important enough for it to cause him to change his plans.
Family's are suppose to stick together through thick and thin and you're feeling like he ditched you (although dealing with barf is not something anyone likes to do).
I agree with you.
I think the kids being sick and you being exhausted should out rank an outing with his college buddies.
He needs to figure out who he's married to.

His first priority should have been taking care of his sick kids, not playing with his buddies. I wouldn't have been "disappointed," I would have been royally pissed.
He shouldn't need to be told that his sick kids and the wife who has been taking care of them all week need to come first.

Did you ask him to stay home? If not, then I do not think you can say anything.

You should have told him you weren't "letting him go" before he went out the door. Since you let him go, I think you should try to stop being annoyed.

I'd be disappointed too, but I'd hold onto your "you owe me" card if I were you - base upon your post, you have not been sick yet - yes? Under the circumstances that you are wiped out and have been exposed to this bug all week it's probably only a matter of time before you come down with it.

Um yah he didn't care.
He was focused on going out... after his ordeal with his illness.
And out the door he went.
And out the door he went.

Just like a Man's brain.

They don't think, like women.
And yes, it was insensitive of him.
But Husbands are really dense.

DID you actually TELL HIM, to stay home since ALL the kids are totally sick and you need help????
My Husband has told me before, that he can't read my mind. That if I don't say something directly, he can't read my mind nor "know" what I expect or need or want.
He can't even tell, that I need help if I am already bitchy.
He told me that.
We've been married almost 14 years.
Slowly... he's gotten better about "anticipating" things. Planned or not per his calendar.
But mostly, it is a female's inherent skill, not a Husband's.

Still, yah, I would have been IRKED as hell, at him. Too.

Men don't have the same regard.

When he comes home and when you are calmer... talk to him.
Or tell him you took care of him, stayed up, cleaned up the bathroom after him and his stomach bug... it was not fun, but you did it. You took care of him. Now, HIS 3 KIDS are sick with it... FROM HIM... and he did not flinch nor help, you. Nor them.

Next, make plans for yourself to go out.
And go.
Hubby can stay home and help your kids.
And take care of them.

Sometimes men are pretty stupid (not all the time, just sometimes! lol). You would have stayed home, you would have figured out that your partner needed help and a break, you would have done the right thing. You didn't tell your husband that you wanted him to stay home and help.
"honey, these kids have been puking all week long,. I am exhausted! I would really appreciate if you stay home tonight. I know that you planned this a while ago, but maybe you could go another night. I want you home."
Then, you have made yourself clear about what you want. If he thanked you for letting him go then you must not have made yourself clear enough.
For men...clear seems to be direct. You can't just count on them to figure it out themselves, they wont all the time. You MUST be direct.
L.

No, I would have been completely annoyed too. You are sleep deprived which is all the more reason for him to pitch in now that he's feeling better. I'd have a hard time being happy to see him when he gets home from his get together. Sorry he did that to you:(

Oh yeah....I would be mad as hell. We have all been in a similar situation at one point or another. Mine was when the babysitter was sick and one of the kids ended up sick. I was taking care of both kids and as the day progressed, I started feeling worse and worse while he was at work. Finally about 3 p.m., I called and asked DH to come home because I was sick as a dog and all hell was breaking loose at the house. I NEVER call and ask him to leave for something for me, so this was a RARE occurance. I got excuses why he couldn't leave work, but he said that he would pick up some Pepto for me on the way home. He showed up without the Pepto while I was laying on the couch trying not to puke and proceeded to sit down and start reading the newspaper. Talk about pissed! It was all I could do 2 days later when he woke up puking his guts out to step up. He usually takes the kids to daycare and I almost smiled and wished him well for his day. Instead I went ahead and took the kids so that he could lay down... Men just don't get it!

I think there are several factors at work. One is your sleep deprivation is making you more prone to grouchiness and hurt feelings than your baseline. Second is the fact that men just don't process things like that the same way that women do. That is why communication is essential. If you needed him to skip out on "guys night out", you needed to say that to him. If he then made excuses why he didn't want to miss it and left anyway, then I would be annoyed. If you said, "Honey, I know you want to hang out with your friends tonight, but please don't stay out too late because I would like to catch up on some lost rest tomorrow." I think that is reasonable as well.

I often get upset with my husband because I don't feel like he exerts effort to find out what I want and do it. Yes, I am a woman, and yes, I do feel like "if I have to spell it out for you each and every time then just nevermind!" I try to keep those notions in the minority and communicate specific needs and wants with my husband. Sometimes, just the act of working to articulate my needs and wants puts things in a different perspective for myself so that I face the whole situation differently.

He said thanks for "letting him go" because it was the best language he could come up with. Rather he was thanking you for not making a huge issue of things so that he can go without an argument between the two of you first. Consider yourself having paid it forward, but be certain to collect and be very clear of what your expectations are of him when you do.

If it were I, I'd tell him he owes you a week off... as in - he gets home from work and does EVERYTHING for you and the kids... make dinner, do the dishes and put them to bed. Then I'd also tell him he owes me the weekend off to go out, be a girl and have fun without him or the children.

That is to make up for your hellish week which hasn't ended, the super care you gave your ADULT husband and the weekend he didn't bother to stay and help when you needed it.

He gave himself permission to go, but you did also have the option of not remaining silent. I didn't see anywhere in your post where you specifically asked him to stay home. I understand being tired & frustrated, but you also should've communicated & asked for what you needed from him. He's not a mind reader. Since you didn't say anything, he may have just assumed you had it under control. Next time, say something.

When my daughter was little and I was married, I preferred to be the one to take care of her. Just a mommy thing. I didn't try to make it 50/50 and I really think that is unrealistic advice. You are cranky and sleep deprived among other things. He was at work all week and today and probably hoped that the mom of his children could handle it. I really don't think going out with the guys once per quarter is excessive. Please plan your own time occassionally but also communicate with the man, he can't read your mind.

Okay, well, did you ASK him to stay home? Did you let him know that you NEED him to stay home? Or were you expecting him to just know and make the offer without you saying anything?

If you didn't tell him straight out what you wanted and expected then you really aren't entitled to be hurt and you're not justified in being upset or angry. Sorry.

You shouldn't have to tell your husband NOT TO GO SOMEWHERE, he should possess the common sense to make that conclusion himself especially with sick children who by way contracted his germs!!!!

So what it was planned 3 months earlier. It is a standing outing so him missing one event is not the end of the world. Your husband's priorities are self-centered.

You need to communicate with him openly about EVERYTHING because I sense this isn't the first incident where he didn't make home a priority and it won't be the last.

Yes, most of the time a guy needs to hear you say what you expect in detail. Leave him a detailed note that you need to catch up on your sleep tomorrow and put in earplugs.

If this was a weekly get together I would say he should have stayed, but this is once every 3 months, and so if he did not go he would have to wait almost 6 months between get togethers with his friends. We all need freinds and to spend time away. Ask him to give you some time tomorrow so you can relax.
I just read your so what happened, and feel bad for him that you put him on a guilt trip about his needing his one guy night rather than just asking him for some time in exchange. I do not understand why we sometimes feel the need to make our spouses feel bad about their needs rather than just working with them so we can both get our needs met.

I think you are totally justified in how you feel, but did you say something to him? For example, "Honey, I am really tired and not feeling so great myself, so I'm just wondering if you can reschedule your guys night out?" People don't know how we feel unless we tell them. I know it can be tough to communicate. especially when you are exhausted. But, just a thought...

I can understand and would be fuming as well. However, if you needed help then you should have been uprfront with him. If he still wanted to go regardless of what you've been through. Then you could have said fine...but then I need a girls night or I will need to do XYZ so I can get a break. Communication...Communication. Many times women short change themselves..They fall into the Martyr Syndrome problem of doing it all. In my situatio I do not. If I need help I say it. I am much happier when I communicate and tell my husband what I need.