Would You Be Bugged by This or Am I Over-reacting?

I must admit...it would bug the hell out of me! Probably not the right reaction but it would absolutely set me off.

Hi--
I don't know what ended up happening, but I just explained the situation to my husband to see what he would say. His instantaneous response was, "No, that's wrong." I agree. It's really a shitty thing to do to you (if I can be frank). Going out with "Bob"--totally cool. Hanging out at their house with his wife--not so much. It puts you in an awkward position and his loyalty should be to you, not to "Bob" and especially not to "Ann".
Just my thoughts. Hope you guys worked it out!
J.

I don't have any deep advice for you but I can say I would be mad. Not bugged MAD. He led you to believe he was going out and he wasn't, just hanging at his buddies house with the buddy and buddy's wife?! I would have expressed my anger but not stopped him from going but just let it be known how I felt. Maybe it's childish but if I was that opposed to someone I wouldn't want my husband to hang out with that person but I don't think he would either.

let it go - you don't want to be around her anyways.

Hmmm..maybe your more bugged about it because its your ex friend?? I'm sure your husband is more about hanging with his friend vs his wife. So I think you should just let it go.

Well, I would be annoyed, too, BUT how would you feel if just Bob came to hang out at your house? Would you be cool with that? I'm guessing the answer is probably yes & if I'm right about that, then you need to take a step back & realize that the only person getting hurt in this crappy situation is the men.

But wait! You 'made the decision to end the friendship', and now your pissed your husband isn't dissin' her too? I can imagine WHY he didn't tell you the WHOLE truth about his plans.

If you are still expecting him to side with you, he clearly is not really aware of that. He doesn't seem to feel the same way.

You and your husband need a gentle, no accusations, chat about this, to discuss each other's expectations.

:)

I could be wrong but I get the feeling it bugs you more that you cannot join them. Like if you hadn't had the falling out it would be the four of you now she still has the life and you are home alone.

I don't think that was anyone's intent. Perhaps next time you should suggest that Bob come over to your house to hang out. Not this time cause that would look petty.

I would give your husband the benefit of a doubt. I can see how your husband and his friend may have made plans to hang out with each other but didn't finalize the detail about going over to the friend's house until after he asked you if it was okay to have a guy's night out. I can also see how, given the bad blood between you and "Ann", your husband may have been reticent about telling you about the plan to go over their house. Either way, it's probably just a matter of timing or a harmless error on his part. I'd talk to him about it and clear the air. But try to give him the benefit of a doubt. He probably wasn't intentionally trying to withhold information from you and be sneaky. It's just an akward subject all around that probably needs to be discussed.

Well... MAYBE "Ann" is insisting on being home and thus, by default, is "hanging out" with the men.
Since she will be at home.
MAYBE... she keeps her husband on a tight leash.
MAYBE... she does not allow her husband to hang out and have beers, elsewhere and only at home.
MAYBE she is an insecure controlling, Wife.
MAYBE she just invited herself, to hang out with the Men, having beers.
MAYBE she is a clingy Wife.
MAYBE she is a battle-axe Wife, whom Bob has to walk on egg-shells around.

IF my Husband has a buddy over at our house, "I" do not hang out with them. That is my Husband's friend and THEY are hanging out having beers and having "their" time together.
Ya know?
I dont' intrude in that.
I personally don't want to hang out with the men. Even if I am home.
I just do my own thing.

So, don't 'blame' your Husband. They are hanging out at his friend's house. HE cannot control, if "Ann" is home or not or there or not or making herself present or not.

And MAYBE Bob... is unable to tell his Wife, to not hang out with them.

And, your Husband, CAN be friends with Bob and hang out. That is his life and his friend. Despite your falling out with Ann.

I personally do not like the Wife of one of my Husband's friends. So what. That doesn't mean my Husband can't be friends with his Buddy. I just don't get all friendly with his wife. I keep my distance. No problem My Husband can still hang out and do things with his Buddy. Even if I don't like the Wife.

And, your Husband is buddies with Bob. So they will hang out again. Its normal. So what then? Will you prevent your Husband from hanging out with Bob... just because of his Wife?

You have a right to be bugged by anything. But a night out is a night out and I don't think you get to dictate who your husband is friends with, right?

Maybe he and Bob planned to go hang out alone, Ann complained, and they are now stuck at Bob's house for their "guy time".

It was your decision to remove yourself from the group, which is fine, but you are right when you say he "should not have to give up his friends just because I can't deal with her anymore". From what it sounds like your hubby does not go out much, let him have this.

Let him go, plan a night for yourself for a later date and have him stay home with the kids.

Good Luck
God Bless

I don't know, I mean men are so different when it comes to planning things. I'm going to guess the conversation went something like this: "Hey dude want to come over and hang out Friday?" "Yeah, sure." Now, if a girl makes plans it often sounds like this "So what's going on this Friday?" "Oh, I don't know, why don't we hang out?" "Sweet, sounds awesome. Who all is going to be there/what are we going to eat/should I bring anything/will we be going out/what should I wear?" See the difference?

Your husband didn't tell you about Ann because of the falling out. He wants to hang out with his friend, and unfortunately for you that includes Ann because, well, Bob can't very well kick Ann out of the house just because the two of them are friends. What if your husband was going to someone else's house to have drinks with a friend and his wife? Would you still be so annoyed?

This is a tough one. Your husband and Bob are still friends and your husband and Ann don't seem to have had a falling out. Does that mean that Ann is completely off-limits as a friend for your husband? You say your husband rarely goes out. Can you live with this for ONE night of being stuck at home watching the kids, so that he can have some social time with a friend (even if it does mean your ex-friend is involved)?

I guess I'm hearing that if your husband had said that Ann was involved from the getgo, you'd say no and not allow him to go because you would have wrapped your head around it and made your own plans. So your husband gets punished for being friends with someone who is married to Ann? That's not really fair.

Yes and no. I can understand your frustration, HOWEVER, you did say that YOU were the one who ended the friendship. This wasn't a mutual decision between you and your husband, it was your choice. So, I see it as you giving up the friendship, not him also.

Perhaps when he first mentioned hanging out with Bob they had no specific plans. Perhaps they'd just decided to hang out at home on the day you asked. Perhaps he didn't mention it because he didn't want to upset you but he also wants to be honest and so when you asked he told you. Perhaps he lied by omition but consider that his heart was in the right place.

Yes, I'd be bugged. My first reaction probably would be how could you spend time with her when you know how I feel about her? And I'd be hurt. Hurt turns to anger.

Then I"d remind myself that I am the one who doesn't want to see Ann and as you said your husband should have the right to choose his own friends. I'd find a time, when I was calm and feeling reasonable to talk with my husband about how you feel and how to handle this sort of situation if it should happen again. Perhaps he would agree to not hang out with Bob and Ann. Perhaps over time you can feel that it's OK under certain conditions.

It's always more important to be gracious then to respond in anger even when you have the right to be angry. Maintaining a respectful relationship with your husband should be your goal. Let him know you're not pleased. Suggest that you need to talk about this later so that you don't feel "slammed" again.

You are not overreacting. My husband and I have discussed your question, and he agrees, that it's out of line. Your husband's first loyalty is to you. It would be fine for your hubby to go out to a bar or somewhere with Bob, but a cosy party for three with Ann is not. My blood would boil and I would feel betrayed. I am big on loyalty, and I think your husband is doing your marriage a disservice.

Yeah Id be a bit bugged,,mostly because I get to spend so little time with my husband and I feel left out, or jealous of any fun he gets to have without me. I understand the day of golf and lunch with work guys, but a social evening should include me if possible. Now since you really dont want to spend time with Ann then you have to back off and let him go see Bob anyway. The bigger question is this: How will you treat him when he gets home? You arent going to grill him about their conversation and every little thing Ann did and roll your eyes and act like she's a drama queen and make it sound like he wasted his evening with them instead of you? Are you? Guess you better make the best of your evening and be gracious when he comes home and just ask how good ol Bob is doing. And then drag him off to bed and make him sorry he ever spent a minute away..lol

As long as he knows its off limits to talk about you with her. Not that he'd bring it up, but she might... I wonder if she would be ok with Bob coming to your house to hang out with you & your husband?

As I read what you were saying at first I was picturing Ann and Bob and your husband sitting together laughing about you and what you do just because that is where my mind tends to go. As I read the other Mom's responses I was thinking that perhaps this is as innocent as he wants to hang out with Bob and he knows Ann will be there, perhaps talking about you, perhaps being concerned that he will have something to say about her based on what you have said. From my perspective I could see that you and Ann may no longer be friends but that does not need to stop your husband and Bob from being friends. However, I think there need to be some clear guidelines between you and your husband about the extent of the relationship. As one of the other moms here suggested it could be that Ann won't let Bob go drink elsewhere and its possible she doesn't care to be in on Bob and your husbands conversation. While I am not in a position to have friends who also have spouses who could befriend my husband I know my husband would cut ties with a friend whose spouse I did not like because it is me. I think you need to talk opening with your husband and get a clearer picture of Ann's role in the get together before concluding anything on your own

That would kinda bug me, too. But then I would step back and probably think to myself, "Hey, it's probably just going to be the guys hanging out anyway and I bet Ann will be doing her own thing." When my husband invites a friend over w/out his significant other, I let them do their guy thing and pretty much stay out of the way. Based on the fact that you and Ann had a falling out, she's probably not to interested in chatting up your husband in any significant sort of way :) Good luck!

i'm a little bugged for you. hopefully "ann" will have the good grace to make small talk for a few minutes, then bow out. it's not really appropriate for her to be hanging out with the two guys all night drinking.

Yes, I'd feel a little hurt, left out, that he's off having fun with the two of them. It's too bad that you and Ann can't patch things up, especially since the four of you used to all be such great friends...whatever she did must have been pretty bad. I feel bad for your husband as well, especially since it's his best friend, he's caught in the middle. Honestly, I think you're going to just have to let it go.

Wow I scanned over the responses and I must be an easy going wife. I don't know all the circumstances, but I don't think him hanging out with them would bug me. If you were the one that ended the ties, then that was your decision. That being said, he should of been honest, but then if you are upset I could see why your husband may not have wanted to mention it, not that it makes it right. Was it a deliberate not mention or was it that plans changed from just guys to having a night out to going to the house. Try to be happy that your hubby is socializing. Staying in verses going to a bar is cheaper and safer. I am sure he does not mean it as an insult to you. Is some of the anger because of fear of being talked about? Share those concerns with your husband. Let him enjoy a night out even if it is with a couple and then make sure you treat yourself to a nice night out. Best of wishes.

I think i'd be bugged too.

My question would be-did he intentionally not tell you the first time he asked and did it just slip out when you asked about specific plans. My guess is that he was trying to spare you being upset, by NOT mentioning it-but I would have prefer'd he tell me. Cuz now you feel left out, and are they going to talk about you,etc...

I think you should tell your husband how you feel-and when I tell my husband something that I'm feeling that guys don't usually get I start by saying...I don't expect you to understand this, but it doesn't make it any less real for me-so please don't tell me how i SHOULD feel, just hear me out on how I do." Then maybe he'll explain his side and you'll understand things better.

Ouch!!! I think you have every right to be ticked off. Your husband should be more gracious about this friendship with him. He should have the courtesy towards you to say to his friend that is should just be the two of them. I'm not sure how I would handle this. Good luck!!!

Your feelings are valid and they are what they are. Trying to control feelings pretty much doesn't work, so let yourself be bugged and then move on to what to do about it. Really, just because you are no longer friends with Ann shouldn't mean your husband can't be friends with Bob. That's pretty much it, right? So let it go. Unless you REALLY think your husband is going to go over there to get drunk and trash you with them, what's the harm? Do you think that's what he's going to do? Doesn't that sound silly? There, now you've faced your nightmare scenario, realized it's silly, and you can put the kids to bed yourself and watch some chick flick or some TV your husband doesn't like and have an extra glass of wine and enjoy some alone time before he comes back.
Look, we can't help how we feel, but we can help how we act. Don't beat yourself up for your feelings, just act like it doesn't matter, because in reality it probably doesn't, and you'll be fine.

I completely agree with you and it would totally bug me and I would be upset with my husband. I would never think of doing that to him.

I.

Did you ask him after he told you about this that it bothered you? Also, I understand that you ended your friendship with the wife, but why would he put himself in this position? He really should have told Bob that hanging at his house was not an option. Sorry, your guy should have backed you and hung out with his friend minus the wife. I would be pissed too!

Yes, you should be bothered. Tell hubby how you feel--just what you told us. It may not change anything, but you got it off your chest.

hmmm... I don't see how he wasn't honest. You asked him what he's doing and he told you. If you don't want to discourage further honesty, I'd say don't let it bug you.

Ya, that would bug me. Although maybe they did have plans to do something by themselves and then somehow it ended up being hanging out at Bobs and Ann is there. As long as you don't feel like there is something "weird" between your hubby and Ann, I wouldn't worry about it other than maybe mentioning to hubby that maybe next time he can do something just with Bob since you had a falling out with Ann and you don't really like him hanging with her. I'm sure he would understand that. Good luck.

it depends on if agrees that she wronged you and it was appropriate to cut ties...if so then its not right....i'm guessing though he thinks you were partly wrong if hes still hanging with her

Instead of reading the common response, let me give you a scenario. I recently ended a friendship with a woman who was really depressed and constantly negative, and putting me in a position of constantly complaining about her. I was tired of trying to help her and be her good friend while she just continued to not care and ... well let's just say I ended it. I think my husband was glad - he was sick of her too. But we lost another friend when I did that. Her husband. And we both loved her husband. But now he doesn't talk to my husband either. I'm so sad about it because my husband doesn't have a lot of friends. I think it's ridiculously stupid. We had no problem with him, and my husband still wanted to hand out, but apparently he felt he had to support his wife or something... because now the guys have nothing to do with each other either.
What happened between me and her happened. She is not a considerate person, she talks badly about eveything in her life, including her husband, and I needed the negativity to go away!! We regret losing her husband as a friend though. If I had known that would have happened, I may have dealt with it differently.
So, yes, I think you are over reacting. What is between you and her is between you and her. It doesn't have to be between your husband and her, and most of all, I wouldn't want him to lose his freindship in order to show support for you.
You don't know he wasn't honest in the first place. Maybe he didn't know what they were going to do, and the plans just firmed up and this is what they are. It's fine, he's going over to the guy's house - what do you want him to do, kick his wife out?
I hope you worked it out positively!!

that is kinda rough, because you sort of want your husband to be loyal and not hang out with your ex gal pal because you dont like her anymore, but in all reality it probably isnt fair to him.
I suppose he should have been HONEST with you about it in the first place, but probably didnt want to hear you say "really? youre gonna hang out with her when you know I cant stand her... blah dee blah"... so basically he was avoiding THAT conversation, wanted to pull it off without hurting your feelings, etc. BUT, he did TELL you the truth on Weds and you have had 3 days to process it. (there is the possibility that he didnt know it was going to turn out like that tho... she probably told her husband "just have him come over here for drinks, it will be cheaper and I wont have to worry about you getting a DUI".
I'd say you need to be mature and let him go hang out since he's comfortable with the two of them.
But I totally understand how you feel about it. I'm sure I would be disappointed if my husband wanted to do that too.... but when you really boil it down, it's not fair to him for you to be mad.
If the shoe was on the other foot, you might say you would not do that, but I bet you would. Think about it.

In my opinion, you are not over-reacting.

No, I don't think you are overreacting. Why didn't he say that he was going to see both of them the first time? Did you ask him if he meant to mislead you?Perhaps he just didn't think? Tell him you don't want him to give us his friendship with Bob (and Ann) but tell him what you told us. I don't think you are being unreasonable in the least.

Hmmm if it were me, yes I would be bothered. It would piss me off more the fact that he's sitting at someones house drinking instead of a bar. But I would just shut my mouth about it. He's not going to drink with her so id let it go.